Intimacy Is About Truth

Some people wonder how I can have casual sex.  It's because sex and intimacy often overlap, but they're not actually the same thing.  I can be totally naked, lying out and open in front of someone and I'm not really showing myself.  I'm showing my body, but not who I am as a person.

Maybe a little bit, because I'm authentic in everything that I do, but while I'm being authentic, I'm also not being my *whole* self.  When I'm working at my retail job, I'm being "me", but not *whole* me.  That's not appropriate in that context.  We all show only partial views of ourselves in different contexts.  So I'm "me", but I'm not all of me.  Or, rather, I don't *have* to be.

I get that, even if some people understand this intellectually, they still can't do it themselves and that's fine.  I'm not trying to convince anyone else to have any kind of sex they don't want to have.

I'm just saying that sex and intimacy are not the same thing.  They often overlap, but they're distinct concepts.  One can exist without the other.

And because I can do them individually (whether in conjunction with each other or separate), I have had the opportunity to explore some really good experiences.  When my sex doesn't require intimacy, I can have a lot of different kinds of sex and have it be enjoyable.  When my intimacy doesn't require sex, I can have a lot of different kinds of intimacy without being restricted or limited to just those few relationships that include sex.

The liberation of intimacy from sex gives the intimacy so many more flavors and colors and textures.  Likewise the liberation gives my sex so many more flavors and colors and textures.  When they are not chained together, I can explore each one on its own merits, including those times when they *do* come together.

Sex is a lot of fun.  But it's not intimacy.  Not intrinsically.  It's often associated with intimacy, but that's because we've made sex such a huge deal in our society that many people feel vulnerable about the very topic, the very act.  And that vulnerability makes the act intimate.

When I am with someone who I share intimacy with, who I share my truth with, who *sees* me, then all acts of sex with them are intimate because the relationship with them is intimate.

But sex is not the only vehicle for being intimate with someone, and intimacy is not necessarily required for enjoyable sex.  And when each can be enjoyed for its own qualities, both of them open up for even more worthwhile experiences than is possible when one is limited to only those times they are connected.

I wonder how much is related to my experiences as being perceived a woman when it comes to being able to have casual sex?  I realize that it's *unusual* that, as a "woman", I can have casual sex, but I wonder how much of my ability and interest is related?

What I mean is, that graphic above to stand in front of someone and say "I feel safe with you"...

As I told someone once, as a "woman", as someone in a very small body, literally almost everyone on the planet (adults) is bigger than I am.  Everyone is a potential threat.  Everyone can harm me.  And as a "straight woman", being in intimate relationships doesn't mitigate that problem.  According to the statistics, being in my intimate, hetero relationships actually increases the odds of being harmed.

So I don't feel "safe" with anyone, for the most part.  Everyone is someone who can harm me, even *when* I share intimacy with them.  Especially when I share intimacy with them.

So if everyone is bigger than I am, everyone has to be assessed for threat, and choosing to be in vulnerable situations with people is basically a leap of faith that, more often than not, still results in harm...

if all of that is just part of the experience of being me, then not feeling safe is just kind of background noise, so why shouldn't I experience and enjoy some sex where I am not also intimate, not vulnerable, not "showing my truth"?  I am on guard anyway.  Even naked, I wear armor anyway.

When one's experience of the world is that everyone is bigger than you are, some of us can only get through life by shrugging and thinking "well, they're all bigger than me, might as well go with it."

I wonder, as my friend wondered when we had this conversation that night, how some other people who never have to have the thought that literally everyone they meet is bigger and potentially more threatening than they are, I wonder how their view of things would change if, I dunno, we were invaded by aliens who are bigger and stronger than we are but who kept insisting that they didn't want to harm us.  If they just had to go their whole lives knowing that they're not the top of the food chain and they never will be no matter what they do.

It's not sustainable to maintain a constant, active fear at all times.  Even the feral kittens in my yard, constantly on guard, can be seen playing and occasionally trusting me enough to put their heads down into their food bowl and take their eyes off of me.  They're still wary, and still jump away at the slightest provocation, but one of them has allowed me to pet them now, and she also sleeps on my bed with Lovey.  Several others sleep in the living room on the nights I leave the door open for them.

Sometimes, some of us just live in a world where everyone else is bigger.  So we develop some skills to mitigate that threat to allow us to go about our lives.

My skill has allowed me to enjoy things like casual sex, where I am authentic, but not wholly "me", not intimate.  Everyone is bigger than me.  Everyone carries the potential for hurting me.  Being intimate with me doesn't lessen that threat, it increases it.

So why not just go with it?

What Do You Do When Someone Asks You To Use An Unusual Pronoun?

https://www.quora.com/If-someone-asks-you-to-use-a-pronoun-for-them-other-than-the-normal-ones-what-is-your-response/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper

Q.  If someone asks you to use a pronoun for them other than the normal ones, what is your response?

 

A.  I use them.

Just as I use whatever name they tell me is their name.  I don’t ask to check anyone’s driver’s licenses or birth certificates to make sure that the name they’re asking me to use matches whatever name somebody official said was theirs.

I just call people what they want to be called.  Because it’s fucking polite.

How Do You Ask Someone If They Have An STD On The First Date Before Getting It On?

https://www.quora.com/How-do-you-ask-someone-if-they-have-an-STD-on-the-first-date-before-getting-it-on/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper 

Q.  How do you ask someone if they have an STD on the first date before getting it on?

A.  Me:  “I’m really attracted to you right now.”

Him:  “I’m really into you too!”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  Well, if you give me your gmail address, I’ll link you in to my Google Doc of my sexual history and all my recent STD test paperwork.  When’s the last time you were tested, and do you have the results handy?”

Honestly, this shit doesn’t have to be complicated or a big deal.  New things are always awkward, but the more you talk about sex and safer sex protocols, the easier it gets with practice.

The conversation I just had a few nights ago went like this:

Me:  “Hey, I know we’re totally incompatible for a romantic relationship, but how would you feel about just hooking up once?”

Him:  “Uh …”

Him:  “Yeah, I’d be interested in that.”

Me:  “OK, let’s make a date so we can talk about all the stuff, like testing and negotiating what kind of hookup we both want.”

Him:  …

Him:  “OK, when would you like to get together?”

Me:  “How’s next Wednesday?’

Him:  “Sure.”

[later, on Wednesday, we have The Talk]

Him:  “Y’know, most people don’t sit in a public restaurant talking about STD tests and sex boundaries.”

Me:  “That’s just weird.  How else are we supposed to decide if we’re compatible?”

Him:  “Most people just kinda go for it and see how it works.”

Me:  “That’s very inefficient and messy.’

Him:  “Well, that’s how most people do it.”

Me:  “And how has that worked out for you so far?”

Him:  …

Him:  “I see your point.”

When Your One Night Stand Meets Your Significant Other

https://www.quora.com/How-do-you-handle-running-into-a-one-night-stand-when-you-are-out-with-with-your-significant-other/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper 

Q.  How do you handle running into a one-night-stand when you are out with with your significant other?

A.  I’d probably say something like “Oh hi!  Sweetie, this is that guy I told you about.  This is my partner.  How ya been?  How’s it going?”

We seriously need to start teaching kids how to navigate interpersonal relationships.  Because, again, this shit doesn't have to be that complicated.  Even if you take out the polyamory.

How Do You Tell What Kind Of Relationship Someone Is In?

https://www.quora.com/How-does-an-open-relationship-differ-from-a-polyamorous-one/answers/114146576

Q. How can you tell if the person you are with us in an open relationship or a polyamorous one?

A. Ask them.

Ask them “what kind of relationship are you in?”

Ask them “how would you describe your relationship?”

Ask them “what label do you use for your relationship and how would you define that label?”

Ask them “would you tell me more about how your relationship works?”

Ask them.

#SeriouslyItIsNotThatComplicated #JustFuckingTalkToEachOther #IMightBeALittleBitSnarkyTonight #LowValueQuestions
 

We're Kinky In A Heteronormative Vanilla Sort Of Way

Typical Unicorn Hunters -

Them:  "Hi, we're kinky!"

Me:  "OK, what does that actually mean though?"

Them:  "He's in charge and orders us around and I live to pleasure him."

Me:  "But, like, how?  Does he like electrical stimulation like violet wands?  Does he practice the art of aesthetic rope work called shibari?  Do you wear puppy ears and a tail butt plug and crawl around on the floor and bark at him to pet you?  Do you have a vacuum table that one of you gets sucked into a latex bag for compression and restraint?  Do either of you get hung in the air by flesh hooks piercing your skin?"

Them:  "What?  No!  I just mean that he tells me when to give him head and when to have sex and what to wear and sometimes spanks me when I talk back to him!"

Me:  "Yeah, that's not 'kinky', that's just patriarchal heteronormativity masquerading as 'kink' thanks to 50 Shades."

#ThingsIWantToToon: Male Commitment Zombies

#ThingsIWantToToon

Image:  simple pen drawing of zombies crowding around a woman. Not gory or realistic, but whimsical like Calvin & Hobbs or Far Side - comic strip style, rather than graphic novel style.

Caption:

Him: "Men want casual sex and women want relationships, it's just one of the differences between men and women."

Me: "Yup, I can tell you've never dated a man before."

Sure, "all" men want casual sex ... until you're a *woman* who wants casual sex, and then suddenly All The Men come crawling out of the woodwork demanding to know why you're such a cold, heartless bitch who won't love them.

Speech Bubbles over the zombies heads:

"Marry me!"

"Long-term commitment!"

"Children!"

"Aren't I enough?!"

"WHY WON'T YOU LOVE MEEEEEEEEE?!?!"

#NotAllMen #ItIsAlmostLikeSocietyHasRemovedAnySocialAndEmotionalConnectionsFromMenSoTheyHaveToGetAllOfThemFromOneWomanAndSuddenlyMenGetOverwhelmingCravingsForTheOne

When Racism In TV In The '60s Didn't Suck

For all that I complain about Bewitched, there is one episode that I really like.

Of course, I still have to watch it in the context of the era, because it does some things that, today, I would not find acceptable.  But the message really does have good intentions.  This episode is actually so important that it was prefaced with a personal message from Elizabeth Montgomery.  She addressed the camera directly at the top of the episode about the importance of the message and how strongly she (and the advertiser) feels about it.

In this episode, Tabitha has a best friend stay the night.  She wishes her best friend was really her sister because she doesn't much care for having a little brother.  So Samantha tells her that having her friend sleep over is like having a temporary sister.  The little girl arrives.  She's black, and her father works with Darrin at the advertising company.  Tabitha gets into it with another girl at the park over whether or not she can be sisters with someone of a different color.

Darrin's company is wooing a new client, who believes in making sure anyone he hires for anything has the type of home-life that he approves of before hiring them.  So this guy shows up at the Stephens' house unannounced and Lisa opens the door.  The client misunderstands who Lisa is, with some help from a child's way of not quite explaining things.  He gets the impression that Darrin is married to a black woman and this is their other daughter (he already knows about Tabitha and Adam).

Later, the two girls talk about how they wish they could be really sisters.  Tabitha accidentally changes Lisa's skin and hair color.  She changes her back, but then changes herself to match Lisa.  So we have literal blackface on this show, which made me very uncomfortable.  But Lisa points out that their parents would be upset if their children are the wrong color, so Tabitha goes back to her own color.  Then both girls are sad that they don't look alike anymore, and therefore can't be sisters.  So Tabitha accidentally gives them contrasting spots - she has black-skin-color spots and Lisa has white-skin-color spots.  And then she can't take them off because, subconsciously, both girls really want to be sisters.

The rules of this universe are that one witch cannot undo any spell that another witch casts (otherwise that would solve all of the show's plot devices before they start).  So Samantha can't get rid of the spots as long as Tabitha really doesn't want to.  So she has to do some digging to find out why Tabitha doesn't want to.

The girls talk about the racism they experienced from the other girl in the park and how they really want to be sisters.  So Samantha tells them:

"Sisters are girls who share something.  Usually the same parents but if you share other things - good feelings, friendship, love, well that makes you sisters in another way."  She insists that they can be sisters if they want to, no matter what skin color they have.

This convinces Tabitha that they can safely get rid of the spots and still have the connection they want.

Meanwhile, the Stephens are hosting the office Christmas party downstairs and Lisa's parents arrive to pick her up from her slumber party the night before (the father had to go out of town to secure another client, so the Stephens were basically babysitting for a couple of days).

Earlier in the day, the client fired the advertising agency because of Darrin's "mixed marriage", but he didn't put it clearly enough for anyone to understand that this was the reason.  Just that he didn't approve of Darrin, and since nobody knew that he had come over and spoke to Lisa, nobody knew what it was he didn't approve of.

In an attempt to woo him back, Darrin's boss invited the client to the Christmas Party at the Stephens' house.  Apparently (this all happened off-screen), the client was "curious" enough to accept.  So he shows up immediately after Lisa's parents do, while Lisa's dad stepped away with their boss to talk about the new contract he just acquired for the company, leaving Lisa's mom standing in the hall with Darrin, when the client rings the doorbell.

Mistaking Lisa's mom for Darrin's wife, he opens his big ol' bigoted mouth to say how brave he thinks they are and how maybe someday what they're doing will become acceptable.  And yes, he phrased it like that, implying not only that it wasn't currently acceptable, but that he didn't think it ought to be, only that maybe someday in the future it might be.

He offers Lisa's mom a little black baby doll for her daughter for Christmas, and Darrin is handed a white baby doll for Tabitha, and then says he didn't know which side of the family that Adam took after so he decided to play it safe with a stuffed ... panda bear.  Yeah, picture that for a moment, if you don't immediately get it.

Then he runs off for eggnog before either parent can react.  Lisa's mom has no idea what just happened, but Darrin (having just been taken off the account at this client's insistence because of being "unsuitable" or whatever) figures out that the client must think that they're married and this is why he was fired from the account.

Meanwhile, Samantha gets the kids straightened out and Darrin's boss, Larry, has a chat with the client.  Now that who is married to whom and which child belongs to whom is understood, the client wants Darrin back on the team.  As it finally dawns on Larry the reason for the client's decisions, he steps back for a moment, while the client puffs up with pride at being such an understanding, forgiving sort of man.

Larry steps back into the conversation and tells him, in no uncertain terms, that he doesn't want his account because he doesn't want to work with a man like this.  Overhearing this conversation, and shocked and pleased at Larry's character, Darrin tells Samantha that, in the spirit of Christmas and given the circumstances, if she sees an opening where her witchcraft would help, she has free reign.

Shocked, the client goes on the defensive and even says "but some of my best friends are Negroes!"  So Samantha wiggles her nose, and suddenly the client is seeing everyone at the party with black skin.

So, again, literal blackface that made me uncomfortable, but for a purpose they felt was helpful back in the '60s.

The client freaks out because, well, regardless of anyone's racist beliefs, if everyone around you suddenly changed skin color in front of your eyes, you'd probably freak out too.  So he leaves.

The next morning, the Stephens' and Lisa's family are all opening Christmas presents together around the tree.  The doorbell rings and it's the client.  He asks Darrin to take his account and offers an apology:

"I found out I'm a racist.  Not the obvious, out in the open kind of a racist, not me, no, I was a sneaky racist.  I was so sneaky, I didn't even know it myself."

Usually, particularly in older shows, when they cover the topic of racism, there's only one kind of racist - the mean ones who actively discriminate, but never any real violence.  It's like, on these shows, racists don't lynch people because "we're past that now", but they're visibly angry and say mean things, and usually have some kind of power to prevent people from doing something, like entering a building or patronizing an establishment.

These shows offer a caricature of a racist, to make them easy to identify as racist but not *actually* truly offensive.  And I kinda get it - they have 23 minutes to make a point, so they're going to do it in as clear a way as possible that will get past the very conservative censors.

This is the only episode of any TV show that I can personally recall seeing where they addressed the fact that racism comes in other forms.  They showed a man who believes he is a "good guy" whose racism is more subtle and uses more microaggressions rather than outright violence or hatred.  And they showed him humbled and ashamed as he struggled with the realization that he was not as good a guy as he thought he was.

And the producers and actors thought this was such an important message that they took the time to break the 4th wall and tell the audience how strongly they felt about this message.  Even the advertiser got in on it.  Which is a pretty big deal.  Had they simply showed the episode, boycotts would have been called for whichever commercials were aired at the time, and the producers would have had to do some kind of damage control to keep advertising clients and soothe viewers.

But, instead, Oscar-Meyer put their logo right behind Elizabeth Montgomery in her preface, and her speech included their name among those who felt the subject of their episode was important and who stands behind it.  I'm sure boycotts were probably still called for, but the producers, the network, and the advertiser all got out in front of it and took responsibility for their stance.

So, as someone with light brown skin, which has lightened enough with my years out of the sun that nobody can even tell my chicana heritage by looking, I can't say that the blackface in this episode is justified under the "it was the era" excuse or not.

I will instead say that *if* the blackface can be excused for the era, and *if* the viewer can sit through the discomfort of modern sensibilities seeing it, I am rather proud of the show for making the attempt they did to address racism, and in particular that there are different types of racism and that all types are unacceptable.

I have a love-hate relationship with this show.  I have seen most of the episodes before over the years, but I am watching the entire series now as part of my experiment to compare and contrast TV romantic couples over the decades and moral lessons of their relationships.

Watching this show now, after having developed the particular viewpoint I have on feminism and romantic relationship ethics, I am sitting in a strange place where I still manage to enjoy the show while simultaneously hating every character in it.  As a character-driven media consumer, this is a weird place for me to be in.  But I will say that the show is giving me lots of fodder for rants.

So far, this show is at the bottom of the list for me in ethical romantic partnerships.  I somehow manage to still enjoy watching it, but I don't recommend it.  I think everyone in this show is a terrible example of a person and the lessons learned at the end of each episode are not the lessons I feel should be the takeaways.  People are punished for bad behaviour, but not for the reasons I think they should be.

This episode is the exception.  Darrin doesn't go on any of his anti-witchcraft rants and doesn't try to hamstring Samantha and none of the other relatives jump in to interfere in their relationship and remove anyone's agency.  In this one instance, Darrin is right to be concerned about the effect of witchcraft - namely getting found out and doing harm to someone else with the inexperienced child's wish-craft.

This episode focused entirely on an actual, real harm to society, and both the botched and corrective witchcraft was the solution.  And the harm it highlighted was a subtle, insidious form that is not easily recognized because of the lies and misdirections we are taught about said harm, intended to confuse us and muddy the issue.

So, for once, I applaud Bewitched for going in the right direction.  It could be done so much better today, with a more sophisticated touch on the subject, but given the era, I'm actually kind of surprised at how well it *did* do.

 

 

Watch on YouTube

Adventures In Retail

Speaking of working retail...

"Excuse me, where is..."
Right beside you.

"Can you tell me how much this costs?"
Sure, I'll just scan it with this publicly accessible price checker you're standing next to.

"How much is this?"
According to the price sticker on the package, it costs this much.

"Can you help me get something off the high shelf?"
Well, I can hand you the one just below it on the shelf at waist height.

"Where is the bathroom?"
Right here, under this 6-foot tall sign that says "restrooms".

"Do you have [some kind of completed artwork or home furnishing]?"
No, sorry, as a craft store, we tend to have the materials for making art and furnishings. If you'd like finished objects, you might want to try a home furnishing store.

"I have this list of items I need to buy. Can I just hand it to you and you find them for me?"
Well, personal shoppers charge about $200 an hour, but I'll do it for half that rate since I'm also making minimum wage here, and that's plenty for me!

"Do you have [this seasonal item]?"
Not at the moment. It becomes available during that season, and then we get rid of those things to make room for the next season's things.
"But I'm sure I bought it here before!"
I'm sure you did too, but that was probably last season. We don't have it now.
"Any idea when you'll get them in again?"
Probably next season.
"Can you check?"
No.

"Do you carry this item?"
No, that's not something we carry.
"Can you check another location to see if they have it?"
No, the entire company does not carry that item.
"Can you call a different company to see if they have it?"
No.

"Do you have this item?"
I'm not sure, let's check this public tablet device conveniently located right in front of you under the giant sign that says "shop here!" to see if we carry it.
"Can't you just look it up for me?"
No problem, I'll just come out from behind my counter to stand where you're standing and I'll surf the app for you instead of addressing all these other customer's needs who are waiting in line behind you.

"Excuse me, do you work here?"
[in plain clothes, with bag/purse, no nametag, drink in hand, and obviously in a hurry]

"Excuse me, do you work here?"
[in brightly colored store shirt with store logo emblazoned on front and back, large apron with store logo embroidered across the front, radio with earpiece on, giant RF gun hanging from my belt]

"Can I just come behind your counter where your cash register is and plug my cell phone into the outlet powering your sensitive store electronics?"
No.
"But my cell phone is dying!"
Sorry, but nobody is allowed behind the counter where the cash register is. It's a security risk.
"But I just want to charge my cell phone!"
That's what a robber might say too. Sorry. There's a Starbucks in this same shopping plaza.
"OMG YOU'RE SO RUDE I WANT TO TALK TO A MANAGER RIGHT NOW!!!"

#ActualConversationsIHave #AdventuresInRetail

The Cats Have Conversations

Before I lost my last apartment, I had been feeding a bunch of feral cats and I started documenting the Saga of the Street Cats on Facebook.  This is one of those entries about a year and a half ago:

I think the feral street cats are having meetings about me.  One of the youngish ferals just popped her head through the kitchen door (which I can see from my bedroom when I'm at the computer) and another clearly not-feral cat, whom I have never met before, came through just behind her.

The non-feral is wearing a clean collar with a bell, and as soon as they saw me, the feral backed out but the non-feral meowed and came right to me for pettings.

Here's how I imagine the conversation going.

"Dude, so there's this human who feeds us!"

"No way! With this damn bell on, I can't sneak up on prey very easily. Where is this human?"

"Nah, man, she feeds us, but you have to, like, get her attention.  She only brings out food when she notices that we're there."

"So?"

"So?!  You have to go into the HOUSE!"

"So?  Humans can be nice.  I have a pair."

"Alright big shot, if you're so brave, I dare you to be the one to get her attention!"

"No prob!  Just show me where she is!"

...

"Here's the place.  She's just inside."

"She just leaves the door open like that?"

"What, you scared?"

"No way!  They just don't normally leave their doors open.  It's a house!  Houses are nice!  They have food and warm spots and things to explore!"

"I don't believe you."

"They do!  C'mon, I'll show you!"

"I don't think you'll really go inside!"

"I will too!  Now who's the scaredy cat?"

"Am not!  If you can go in, I can go in!"

"OK then, let's go!"

"I don't see anyone.  Oh shit!  She's right there!  And she saw me!  Outie!"

"What?  A PERSON! I'VE MISSED YOUR KIND SO MUCH! GIVE ME PETTINGS!  GIVE ME FOOD!  YOU'RE SO AMAZING!  WHAT'S OVER HERE?!  WAIT, BUT WHAT'S OVER THERE?  WHERE ARE MY PETTINGS?!  OH LOOK FOOD!  OK bored now, bye!"

"Dude, you're fucking wild, man!"

"What?  I told you it was nothing!"

#StreetCatSaga #EgyptianFerals #TheCatChronicals #Toxoplasmosis #DamnParasite #CatSlave #MoreImportantThatCatsLikeMeThanPeopleLikeMe #FeralCatsAreMyPatronus #ThisIsNotMyCat

Dear Current Girlfriends Of My Exes

Someone shared something on Facebook that has since been deleted or made private or something so my share of it says that the content is not available.   Judging by my commentary, it was probably something about "what kind of advice would you give to the current partner of your ex-partner?"  So, here's mine:

---

As long as you don't actually expect him to be present or do any work to maintain the relationship, things will be great, because he's genuinely a nice, friendly, charming person.  He just wants things to happen without any effort on his part.

#MostRecentExAnywayBecauseIHaveHadMoreExesThanMostPeopleCertainlyMoreThanMonogamousPeople

---

He's actually a pretty decent guy.  He does a fair amount of Relationship Maintenance.  Our breakup was amicable and due mostly to outside political pressures.  If you have enough in common with him to like him for dating in the first place, he'll probably be a good boyfriend for you.  I was recently reminded to thank him for being a good boyfriend, actually, thanks to a comparison to the most recent ex.

#2ExesAgo

---

Oh sweetie.  Well, good luck!  And here's a domestic abuse hotline, just in case.  And remember, going catatonic every time you have an intense disagreement is not normal and you should not end up apologizing for bringing up your concerns over his need to control your body.

#3ExesAgo

---

Just remember to never date anyone else who might make him feel threatened (i.e. anyone else) and to magically divine what he wants of you, because he won't actually tell you if something about you bothers him since he's so concerned with not "making" you "change who you are" for him even if it's literally not a big deal that you wouldn't mind compromising on, but he will dump you for not having made those changes anyway.

Oh, and don't be a feminist.  Things will go much more smoothly if you can only see how much shit men get for being men.

#4ExesAgo

---

Congratulations!  He's one of the good ones.  If he wasn't so damned monogamous, I'd probably try to get back with him myself.

#HighSchoolSweetheart

---

I hope you aren't one of those people who needs "closure".  He likes ghosting.  And if he does it to you and comes back to say he made a mistake, he didn't.  If he did it once, he'll do it again.

#MoreThanOneExFitsThisDescription

---

Don't ever leave your computer or devices out where he can get them unattended.  He works in IT and knows how to install keystroke logs and doesn't see anything wrong with using them.  Also never tell him about any fantasies involving coercion - no "scary burglar takes advantage of the poor helpless college student" role play or whatever.  He can't tell the difference between "fuck off, I said not tonight" and "oh no!  There's a burglar in my house who bears a striking resemblance to my boyfriend!  Whatever shall I do?!"

#IAmLosingCountOfHowManyExesAgoTheseAllAre

---

Cupcake, his 20-year-older, Scottish truck driving buddy who thought hanging around with a high schooler in his thirties was a great idea and who sounds suspiciously like him talking with a bad Scottish accent with the phone pulled away from his mouth while you're on the other end wondering where the fuck he is, is not real.

Neither is the extremely jealous ex-girlfriend with the body of a professional weight lifter who somehow has natural DD cups and who magically seems to find him and try to "win him back" every time you have a fight who he has to "protect" you from by never letting you meet her because she's such a badass fighter who has spent time in jail that she would kill you.

Neither is his dead ex-baby-mama from middle school (yes, she got pregnant, lost the baby, and then died of cancer all before she could legally drive) who is the most delicate little feminine doll of a girl who nobody will ever live up to because she died so she's fucking perfect.

His disapproving, old-fashioned, stay-at-home mother whom he expects his wife to emulate, however, is very real.

#MyAbusiveExFiance #ThisIsWhyWeNeedDomesticAbuseEducationBecauseNotAllAbuseIsPhysical

---

Actually, since he threatened to kill me and has been stalking me for most of my life, the fact that you use access to your children as a method of controlling him and keeping him near you is kinda helpful for all the other women he can't tie down because you keep cockblocking him, and also for me because he won't leave the state to come find me as long as his kids keep him there.  So, I'm worried about those kids of y'alls with the both of you being such shitty people, but honestly, you're doing me a favor, so carry on.

Unless you finally wise up and just have him put in jail.  I'm sure you can find some legitimate reason.  And then maybe get some therapy.

#MyExStalker

Does Your Husband Allow You To Drive Alone?

Q. Does your husband allow you to drive alone?

A. You … you’re kidding, right?

I’ve been driving longer than some of my partners have been alive. I’ve been driving since before I could actually see over the dashboard and needed a booster seat. I’ve been driving a manual transmission since I could physically move the gear shift.

I used to race cars.  I learned how to drive on a 1979 4x4 Landcruiser in the Sierra mountains on one-lane tracks with a mountain on one side and a cliff on the other.  I learned how to drive in the snow, on rocky beaches, and in swamps.

Hunting as a child with my father, he decided that, in case of an emergency while the two of us were out in the middle of nowhere, far away from civilization, if he was ever incapacitated, I would need to know how to wrestle him up into the truck and how to drive that truck to safety or help.   So he taught me how to drive when I was so small, that I needed a stand to hold the barrel of the shotgun I used to kill animals because I simply didn’t have the arm length or body weight for leverage.

 

(yes, I know I’m not holding the gun properly here - see aforementioned necessary stand; since I didn’t have the stand set up, I didn’t have the leverage to hold it for the picture, so I merely posed for the camera because I wasn’t actually firing it at the time)

I also drive a forklift and a high reach / boomlift (with an OSHA certification to go with both).  I can drive better than every partner I’ve ever had, with the possible exception of the guy who taught me how to ride a motorcycle.  Hell, I’ve even taught *some of them* how to drive things.

 

When I was 23 years old, I bought a 40-foot school bus, drove it down the Pacific Coast from the Canadian border, converted it to a motorhome, and then drove it (with a vehicle towed behind it) across the Southern United States.

By myself.

(ok, with my cat)

 

In addition to that, I am a fully functioning, legally recognized, autonomous human being.  I have not needed anyone to “allow” me to do anything in decades.

Muffin, if you think any partner is even capable of “allowing” me or not “allowing” me to do *anything*, let alone something I’m really fucking good at and probably better than they are, then perhaps someone else needs to be in charge of “allowing” you out in public without supervision.