I just watched the most godawful movie ever. Well, to be fair, this movie was not on a poly movie list, it was recommended to me by Netflix when I added a bunch of movies from some poly movie list. And, historically, Netflix's suggestions based on poly movie additions are shit. So I was expecting this to be bad.
This movie completely lived up to all my expectations.
Building contractor Marty Barnes has always wondered what it would be like to share a bed with two women and, to his delight, he persuades his reluctant wife, Laura, to try it. The experience fulfills Marty's wildest dream ... until Laura morphs into a walking sex machine who seduces every woman in sight -- including Marty's secretary.
So yeah, you all should be able to guess what happened. And I'm pretty sure that whatever you're thinking right now is exactly what happened. There were absolutely no surprises for me in this movie at all. It went exactly where I thought it would go.
First, we have the asshole husband who begs and pleads and pushes his wife into trying lesbianism for his own benefit, using every bullshit stupid excuse I've ever heard ... "it'd be good for you", "you have the homecourt advantage, you'll like it because you're a woman so you already know what to do", "no, it's not for me, it's for us", "it'll bring us closer together", "I want you to feel free to express yourself", blah blah blah. Bullshit.
So, after pestering her forever, she finally starts thinking about it. Laura comes up with the usual list of rules that movies written by men seem to think are important to women, including "not a stranger, but not any girl I know whom you like". Eventually they settle on Laura's part-time co-worker at the hair salon, Didi, who is an out lesbian and who very clearly has the hots for Laura.
They invite Didi over for dinner one night, and she puts the moves on Laura while Marty encourages them. After a couple of freakouts and a ton of liquor, they end up in a threesome that involves Marty, panting and happy, dancing downstairs at the thought of just having had a threesome, while the two ladies continue to go at it upstairs, apparently oblivious to Marty's absence.
Now, we all know the fable of RBAMP and the Ballad Of The Unicorn Hunters, so we know how Didi's part in this story plays out.
Naturally, Laura has the best sex of her life and starts seducing every woman she meets, including Marty's secretary, his business partner's wife, his sister, and the wife of an investor that he's desparately hoping to convince to invest in his construction project. Because all a woman has to do is have sex once with another woman to be turned into a sex-crazed, predatory maniac. It will automatically be the best sex ever and any woman within range will fall under the influence of lesbianism. It's an STD, you know - gayness is contagious, that's why the fundies are so afraid of it.
Here's what I hated about this movie:
1) Marty pushed his wife into doing something she didn't want to do, for his own selfish gain.
2) The entire fallout was blamed on Marty for having "broken the dam" and suggesting this in the first place
3) It's better to never experiment or explore, to lock up all your desires lest they carry you away like a runaway train into a dark tunnel filled with depravity and no self-control because once you start down that track, you won't be able to stop. First it's lesbianism, then it's kinky bondage, then it's practicing surgery without a license (yes, seriously, he said that)
4) The assumption that lesbian sex is automatically better than hetero sex because of the "homecourt advantage"
5) The assumption that all it takes is good sex to turn someone into a complete nymphomaniac who can't control her own behaviour and has to have sex all the time with no discrimination
6) That this only happens to hot women
7) The blatant use and disposal of women for the married couple's personal pleasure
8) All women who are seduced by or interested in a hot wife will automatically be willing to have sex with the husband too
9) Marty immediately became suspicious of every woman in the world because he imagined Laura was going to seduce her
10) Marty was right and his paranoid accusations were justified
11) The implicit assumption that lesbian sex doesn't "count"
Yes, that was there too. It was there when Marty condemned his business partner for cheating on his wife with another woman, telling him that he's going to hell and that god was watching, but when he came home from work early to find his wife in bed with his secretary, Laura wasn't going to hell. Laura talked openly about her experimentation with women and Marty found it annoying, but not because he felt he was being "cheated on", but because he started to feel inadequate. The double standard that a man having an affair with another woman was evil but a woman having an affair with every goddamn woman in town was just a nuisance pissed me off.
As a side note, the cheating partner pissed me off too. He justified his cheating on his wife being "fat". We get to meet his wife. She's a size 9. Maybe. I'm betting that she started eating because she realized she was stuck with an ignorant, shallow, callous, fucktard and pizza and brownies offered her more satisfaction and comfort than her asshole husband. He then had the nerve to tell Marty later, when Laura seduced his "fat" wife, that Marty was no better than him because, although he was cheating on his wife, Marty was too, but at least the asshole friend had the good sense to not do it in front of his wife. Grrr. Back to the story.
To top it off, Laura even admitted later that she was just "experimenting" and that she really only wanted Marty. As far as I can tell, this was the one good thing to come out of it - not because she went back to being monogamous, but because she finally started to tell Marty what she needed to feel good in bed. Laura gave up women, but started instructing Marty on how to please her. This, of course, made Marty feel even worse about himself.
For those of you following me on Twitter, here is the part that was responsible for my tweet "OMG TEH STOOPID IT BURNZ!":
Marty is trying to entice Dave, a jerkoff from high school who is now a millionaire to invest in his construction project. After Laura gives up women, Marty suggests that Laura "run her little rap" on Evie, Dave's wife, in order to get Evie to talk her husband into investing. Marty stops shy of suggesting that Laura pimp herself out for the money, because by this point, he's begging Laura to stop fucking women. But he does tell Laura to get friendly with her.
So Laura and Evie go out for lunch, where little miss Republican Trophy Wife comes on strong to Laura. Laura freaks out and tries to avoid Evie, until Evie shows up at her house one day and instructs Laura to come upstairs and fuck her, and be quick about it since Evie has a cubscout meeting to attend.
Upstairs, Evie strips down to her teddy and garters and starts ordering Laura around. She pulls out Marty's good ties and yells at Laura to shove Evie down on the bed hard, and then tie her up and gag her, which Laura reluctantly does. Marty chooses that moment to walk in on them.
Leaving Evie tied and gagged, Laura runs after Marty so they can have a screaming match in the hallway where Marty accuses her of being a sex pervert and Laura yells back that it's all Marty's fault, that he "broke the dam" and that Marty is really the one who tied up Evie. Laura never once says that it was Evie's idea that she get tied up, but that doesn't stop the narrow-minded Marty from being a prick who thinks all kinky sex is a mental disorder.
Then it gets even more stupid. Dave, the rich husband, comes by the house looking for his wife. Laura goes to the door to see who's there, then runs upstairs and whispers to Marty who it is. In a panic, they decide to leave Evie tied up, pretend to act normal, and deny all knowledge of Evie's whereabouts.
OMG TEH STOOPID IT BURNZ
All they would have had to do is have Laura run back in the bedroom, tell Evie that her husband is there, untie her, let her get dressed, open the door, and explain to Dave that Laura and Evie, who are now friends, were just about to go shopping, and the whole thing would be over. After all, Evie is just as invested in keeping this secret from Dave as the psycho couple is.
Marty opens the door, Dave asks where Evie is, and Marty says "how should I know where your wife is?" Dave says "her car is in your driveway." Marty has no answer for that and tries to distract him by getting him outside. Suddenly, at that moment, Laura's first fling, Didi shows up. Marty leaves Dave to Laura and tries to get rid of Didi. So Dave asks Laura where Evie is, and Laura says she doesn't know, so Dave mentions that Evie's car is out front, and Laura's answer is "oh, well, I'm not a car person, so I don't know why it's here."
Meanwhile, the only scene in the whole movie that I liked takes place outside.
Marty is trying to get rid of Didi, who seems hurt and confused as to why Laura is now avoiding her. Marty decides to explain it in this way:
"Don't take this wrong, but my wife doesn't want to join your little club. ... Yeah, your little club. See, she had a trial membership but now she doesn't want to renew. This is not about you, no offense, nothing personal. I gotta go."
Do you people not understand how cruel this is? Those particular unicorn-hunting married couples looking for the hot bi babe for their own enjoyment don't seem to understand that this is how that hot bi babe is being treated. No, I don't care that you craft your breakup speeches with more tact. She is being treated as the hired help, and when you're done with her services, or dissatisfied with her ability to properly spice up your marriage without actually affecting your lives outside the bedroom, you throw her away. Sorry, no offense, nothing personal.
It IS personal. She is a human being with feelings.
Anyway, the reason why I liked that scene is because of Didi's answer:
"You know something? All you guys, you think you know so much about lesbians, you think you're so into lesbians but you're not. You're into what you wish lesbians were, cock-hungry nymphos keeping themselves busy until the Real Man hits town, but that's not the reality. The reality, Marty, is that you pushed and you pushed and you pushed, and now your wife eats pussy better than you do."
So, now, because I know you're all DYING to know how the movie ends, the spoilers:
Dave isn't buying any of Laura's bullshit about not being a car person and drinking too much espresso, and suddenly Evie, still tied up and gagged upstairs, starts screaming and banging the bed against the wall to get someone's attention. Dave runs upstairs, discovers his wife tied and gagged, and immediately attacks Marty while his wife crumples now that her hidden secret lesbian life has been discovered.
Laura finally breaks up the fight by knocking Dave upside the head with a giant book and explains that Marty isn't the one into crazy kinky shit, that it was Laura who tied her up but it was Evie's idea. So Dave naturally turns on Laura and calls her a wacked-out twat and leaves. Meanwhile, Evie is STILL tied up upstairs. Marty tells Laura to untie her, Laura refuses and tells Marty to do it, and they get into a shouting match in the front yard over whose job it is to untie the poor woman.
Marty loses, so he heads upstairs to untie her and takes the opportunity of having Evie's undivided attention to suggest that, since this encounter will probably result in divorce, that Evie should take half of Dave's money and invest in his construction project.
In the final scene, Marty comes to pick up Laura at work to take her to lunch, and we see that Laura has hired a replacement for Didi - a male hairdresser named Henry. At lunch, Laura starts the exact same conversation with Marty that started this whole mess, suggesting that Henry may be bisexual and that some exploration on Marty's part would be "good for him". Marty looks at her, dumbstruck, and finally asks if she's joking. Laura says yes, she's joking. Well, that she might be. And that's where it ends.
I loved Didi's answer to the horrific but all too standard treatment of the hot bi babe, and I was pleasantly surprised to see the tables turned on the sexist, selfish asshole of a husband at the end. But neither was worth watching the movie for. Really, neither was worth reading this review for either, but at least you didn't have to waste 2 hours to hear the good parts from me.
So Sex Monster was not on a poly movie list, but it was recommended by Netflix as being "similar" to movies that are on a poly movie list. Whether it's similar or not, this movie is not poly and it was not good. ~Reviews by Joreth - I watch the crap so you don't have to.