Intimacy Is About Truth

[joreth]

Some people wonder how I can have casual sex.  It's because sex and intimacy often overlap, but they're not actually the same thing.  I can be totally naked, lying out and open in front of someone and I'm not really showing myself.  I'm showing my body, but not who I am as a person.

Maybe a little bit, because I'm authentic in everything that I do, but while I'm being authentic, I'm also not being my *whole* self.  When I'm working at my retail job, I'm being "me", but not *whole* me.  That's not appropriate in that context.  We all show only partial views of ourselves in different contexts.  So I'm "me", but I'm not all of me.  Or, rather, I don't *have* to be.

I get that, even if some people understand this intellectually, they still can't do it themselves and that's fine.  I'm not trying to convince anyone else to have any kind of sex they don't want to have.

I'm just saying that sex and intimacy are not the same thing.  They often overlap, but they're distinct concepts.  One can exist without the other.

And because I can do them individually (whether in conjunction with each other or separate), I have had the opportunity to explore some really good experiences.  When my sex doesn't require intimacy, I can have a lot of different kinds of sex and have it be enjoyable.  When my intimacy doesn't require sex, I can have a lot of different kinds of intimacy without being restricted or limited to just those few relationships that include sex.

The liberation of intimacy from sex gives the intimacy so many more flavors and colors and textures.  Likewise the liberation gives my sex so many more flavors and colors and textures.  When they are not chained together, I can explore each one on its own merits, including those times when they *do* come together.

Sex is a lot of fun.  But it's not intimacy.  Not intrinsically.  It's often associated with intimacy, but that's because we've made sex such a huge deal in our society that many people feel vulnerable about the very topic, the very act.  And that vulnerability makes the act intimate.

When I am with someone who I share intimacy with, who I share my truth with, who *sees* me, then all acts of sex with them are intimate because the relationship with them is intimate.

But sex is not the only vehicle for being intimate with someone, and intimacy is not necessarily required for enjoyable sex.  And when each can be enjoyed for its own qualities, both of them open up for even more worthwhile experiences than is possible when one is limited to only those times they are connected.

I wonder how much is related to my experiences as being perceived a woman when it comes to being able to have casual sex?  I realize that it's *unusual* that, as a "woman", I can have casual sex, but I wonder how much of my ability and interest is related?

What I mean is, that graphic above to stand in front of someone and say "I feel safe with you"...

As I told someone once, as a "woman", as someone in a very small body, literally almost everyone on the planet (adults) is bigger than I am.  Everyone is a potential threat.  Everyone can harm me.  And as a "straight woman", being in intimate relationships doesn't mitigate that problem.  According to the statistics, being in my intimate, hetero relationships actually increases the odds of being harmed.

So I don't feel "safe" with anyone, for the most part.  Everyone is someone who can harm me, even *when* I share intimacy with them.  Especially when I share intimacy with them.

So if everyone is bigger than I am, everyone has to be assessed for threat, and choosing to be in vulnerable situations with people is basically a leap of faith that, more often than not, still results in harm...

if all of that is just part of the experience of being me, then not feeling safe is just kind of background noise, so why shouldn't I experience and enjoy some sex where I am not also intimate, not vulnerable, not "showing my truth"?  I am on guard anyway.  Even naked, I wear armor anyway.

When one's experience of the world is that everyone is bigger than you are, some of us can only get through life by shrugging and thinking "well, they're all bigger than me, might as well go with it."

I wonder, as my friend wondered when we had this conversation that night, how some other people who never have to have the thought that literally everyone they meet is bigger and potentially more threatening than they are, I wonder how their view of things would change if, I dunno, we were invaded by aliens who are bigger and stronger than we are but who kept insisting that they didn't want to harm us.  If they just had to go their whole lives knowing that they're not the top of the food chain and they never will be no matter what they do.

It's not sustainable to maintain a constant, active fear at all times.  Even the feral kittens in my yard, constantly on guard, can be seen playing and occasionally trusting me enough to put their heads down into their food bowl and take their eyes off of me.  They're still wary, and still jump away at the slightest provocation, but one of them has allowed me to pet them now, and she also sleeps on my bed with Lovey.  Several others sleep in the living room on the nights I leave the door open for them.

Sometimes, some of us just live in a world where everyone else is bigger.  So we develop some skills to mitigate that threat to allow us to go about our lives.

My skill has allowed me to enjoy things like casual sex, where I am authentic, but not wholly "me", not intimate.  Everyone is bigger than me.  Everyone carries the potential for hurting me.  Being intimate with me doesn't lessen that threat, it increases it.

So why not just go with it?