*grumble grumble*

[joreth]

I am so sick of this stupid argument. If I ever change my mind (and at 32 with no doubts in sight), I will adopt. I've had people tell me that adoption isn't the same thing. I love the look on their face when I respond that *I* am adopted, and would they like to tell my mother that she doesn't *really* love me like my *real* mother would after she's sacrificed and worried and endured hardship for over 30 years, all for the love of the baby she believes that god gave her when her body failed her?

I also say, so what if I change my mind later? Isn’t living with the consequences of our actions all part of being a grown-up? If I change my mind about *having* kids, I can’t reverse the decision, it's not like I can return them to the store.  But if I change my mind about *not* having kids, there are plenty of alternatives available. Including the likelihood that, as I get older, my dating pool will have an increased number of males who already have children.

 

I knew when I was 6, I knew when I was 12, I knew when I was 18, I knew when I was 24, I knew when I had an abortion, I knew when I was 30, and at nearly 33, I STILL know that I DO NOT WANT KIDS and have absolutely no doubts or regrets at not having them. It’s one of the few things about my goals, dreams and plans that has never changed.

How f*cking condescending is it to say “when you meet the right man, you’ll change your mind”. Bull! The “right man” *also* does not want kids.

Thanks datan0de, for the Twitter link!

Comments

Sing it!

[girlpurple.livejournal.com]

Joining you in the DO NOT WANT. This argument drives me batty.

Haven't wanted kids for as long as I can remember, at least back to the age of 10, likely earlier.

[zensidhe.livejournal.com]

I DID change my mind. I wanted kids for most of my teen years. I thought my life couldn't be complete without them.

And then as my life with with my wife began, and we started sharing our dreams and adventures, I realized that I really really didn't want them. The didn't mesh with the any part of my life. I don't regret my decision at all. I re-evaluated and realized that I never really wanted kids, I just felt like I should (because my parents were such great parents and gave everything to their kids. I grew up thinking that was the only way).

When I got my vasectomy at 28 I had to lie to the doctor and tell him I had kids already because he was going to refuse to do it unless I had already 'bred'.

It is such an odd thing that people think they know better then others regarding this hugely personal issue...

[datan0de.livejournal.com]

Ditto your entire comment (well, 'cept that I haven't been snipped yet). That's exactly dead-on accurate.

BTW, somehow I either forgot or never knew that you had to lie to the doctor. Wow!

[darkersunshine.livejournal.com]

We're "old enough" at 18 to put ink on our bodies that up until recently was permanent. But not old enough to know if we want to be responsible for the cost and care of another human being.

Bothers me to no end.

[leora.livejournal.com]

I've known for as long as I can remember that I want kids. Since I was 2, certainly. I've spent years babysitting to gain practical experience. I've read lots of books to learn various things of use. I've studied child psychology.

I'm not sure I want people who don't take parenting seriously having kids. We don't need more people who don't take the time to find out that honey is dangerous for babies or that punishing an infant is ridiculous having kids. There's a huge among of work that goes into raising a kid and a lot of knowledge you should have if you're going to do it. I would love to help people who aren't interested in putting in tons of effort to parent as well as they possibly can to not have kids. We do not need more poorly raised children.

I'm fine with fewer kids being born. And I'd quite like if more of the kids born were born to people who really, really want them.

And I don't need other people to have the same preferences I do to make me feel okay with my preference. I get that people vary. That's okay. We shouldn't all be doing the same things. It's almost certainly best for society if we have people focusing on a wide variety of pursuits. Some people can put their energy into parenting and some into art and some into scientific research and some into building roads and so forth. Sure, some people can do a bit of a few things, but you can still only do a finite amount of stuff in your life. We shouldn't all be doing the same stuff.

[datan0de.livejournal.com]

I don't know you, but I wish that everyone who has kids brought as much intelligence and care to the task that you're demonstrating here. Bravo.

[emanix.livejournal.com]

Fantastic attitude. The reason I never wanted kids is just as you say, there's a huge amount of work and knowledge that goes into raising children properly. I believe that nobody should have children without being willing to put in that work, and I never had the slightest inclination to do so.

To put it another way, I'm intentionally sterile because I love the kids I'm never going to have - if that makes any sense at all.

[joreth]

Makes total sense to me - it's a big part of why I'm childfree too. Well, that and the whole pregnancy-is-a-parasitic-relationship outlook - that doesn't help, but even with adoption, I care too much about the children's welfare to subject them to me as a mother.

[emanix.livejournal.com]

Heh, I used to actually have nightmares about parasitic lifeforms in my womb when I was younger, but at some point I realised my fear of pregnancy was much more geared around having to look after the damn things after they pop out - for the next eighteen or so years.

I did actually consider surrogacy at one point for a couple who I thought would have been awesome parents, and I might even still do that if another such situation came up, but I absolutely don't want to be a carer, I'm just not built that way.

On the other hand, there are still plenty of kids up for adoption. I just don't think the world *needs* me to breed.

[leora.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, indeed. I've been wanting to have kids basically all my life. I have not had children as I have not had the resources to properly care for them. (Becoming disabled kind of sucks.) Likewise, I love many animals. I am quite fond of cats. But I have no pets, as I do not want to risk taking on a dependent and then finding I do not have the energy or the finances to properly care for it. I pay attention to my situation to consider changing this if I can afford to, but until I have the resources, it would be irresponsible to take on a dependent.

It really makes me sad sometimes with cats, because there are so many in need of good homes and they wouldn't consider me unfit because I am unmarried or poly or such, as might be the case with an adoption of a child. But adoption of any species should be done by those who feel they can care for the creature well. And I don't want to risk having a dependent suffer because of my bad decision. Not taking on a dependent should be the default. Taking one on should be done by those who feel they have enough to give that they can do it well, and that they get enough from it that it is worthwhile to them to do so. I would no more want to thrust a child on someone who does not want one than I would a puppy or a kitten. Living things ought to be dealt with responsibly.

I'm a bit more cavaleer with plants, but I still would prefer that people not take potted plants into their house if they know they're just going to let them die.

But I do consider not doing it the kindest choice if one is not both willing and eager to do so. Even if one were to take on all of the feeding and cleaning and such for an animal, any animal smart enough to tell that it is unwanted is not likely to have a happy life. If you don't really want the creature, it's no kindness to take it into your home.

[(Anonymous)]

When I was in college, I took a Constitutional Law class. Our final project was to argue a case about abortion. I was asked to argue in favor of the right to have an abortion. The case was an actual case which had already been heard and we were assuming it was being appealed. The case involved minors and whether they should be allowed to have an abortion without parental consent. One argument in the original case was that teenagers aren't mature enough to make that decision. I stated that we rejected that claim because if the teenager isn't mature enough to make the decision, she isn't mature enough to have a baby and possibly become a mother either. The professor underlined that statement and wrote "good point." I got an A+ for the project.