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I finally got around to subscribing to Poly Weekly, a weekly podcast with poly themes. I decided to go back to the very first episode available through iTunes and listen to everything to "catch up" before listening to the current episodes. While all of the episodes are interesting to some degree or another, a few of them have caught my attention. This entry is based upon one of those: Episode #79 Return To The Original Orgasm.
Minx relates some of her thoughts about how she first explored her sexuality and how that relates to her later explorations. Other than the quirks of dialect that mark this as *her* speech, this episode could have been written by me. I transcribed the portion of this episode that was most relevant to this entry and I will post it now. My thoughts follow. (This is a very detailed look at my own sexuality - I'd recommend skipping this if you don't want to know this kind of thing about me)
Return to the Original Orgasm
by Cunning Minx
... I was a late bloomer sexually and it wasn't until my early to mid 20s when I actually finally had sex, and until then, my sexual contact with men was usually, well, my preferred way to get off was actually a bit of
frottage, what we affectionately called "dry humping", yeah, rubbing our body parts together. And what's interesting is that, I had always assumed that once I had sex, that that was going to be better. And well, I won't say it was worse, but it was just different. As it turns out, my clit is very sensitive and it actually prefers, I mean, the preferred method of coming for me would definately be that kind of rubbing against a guy's leg or his cock and usually through clothing was better because my clit is so sensitive, that skin-on-skin just created too much friction. And even something through, y'know, jeans or any type of clothing provided just that extra layer that made it that much more comfortable for me and made it that much easier to control my orgasm.
Now, of course, once I actually started having sex, I discovered all these other things and there was sex and oral sex and all different kinds of ways to come and thanks to my relationship with Fencer T, I did discover that I actually could have a clitoral orgasm during PIV sex.
...
So I did discover, eventually, that through this same type of rubbing action, if the guy's pubic bone was in the right place and if he had his hips wide enough apart - or narrow enough apart I guess I should say - I was able and I am on occasion to have clitoral oragasms during PIV sex. And all this stuff is really, really great and it's been really fun. However, I should say that my first orgasms, my original orgasms, were really wonderful and really rewarding and took a really, really long time. I mean, 45 minutes, an hour, to get from the point of original contact to orgasm point for me. And it got to the point that I was embarrassed that that's how I had my best orgasms. And, it also got to the point that I would just say, whenever I got a new partner I would say "Y'know what, don't worry about me, let's focus on you, mine takes too long" or I'm just not going to worry about it. And it was true and it still is true that, for me, an orgasm takes a lot of focus and concentration. I never understood all these BDSM stories where they're denying the woman orgasm and she's begging to come. And I'm thinking, y'know, it's *work* for me to come I have to focus, I have to fantasize, I have to think about things, I love it, but it's definately not something that's just going to happen. These beginning Doms that will come in without knowing who I am and without knowing my sexuality will say "Oh, I'm going to train you so that you can come on command" and I'm just like, rolling my eyes going 'Y'know, good luck with that buddy". That just shows that you think that all women are the same and all women come the same and that's just not the case. And to me that shows an arrogance and a lack of intelligence that makes me want to go in the other room. And I do.
So, of course, I've had a very fulfilling sex life having all kinds of orgasms and usually the focus does tend to be on the guy because I enjoy the sensation of sexual intercourse, PIV sex and anal sex. I love those so much, I love the feeling of being filled, that most of the time it doesn't really matter if I actually have an orgasm or not, as long as I get some stimulation. I really get off on getting the guy off. I really get off on knowing that I did that to his cock, that he came because of me. So that's obviously very fulfilling for me.
But there was a point recently when Gray Dancer and I were having some issues or what have you and there was a point when we woke up in the morning and he just laid on top of me. And I think maybe I was wearing panties so he lay on top of me and there was a layer of clothing between us. And he wasn't doing it, as it turned out, for some type of sexual arousal, it was just to be there for me in a loving kind of way. He konws I like feeling somebody's entire body pressed against me, it's very comforting to me.
Well, his cock started throbbing and it was exactly on top of my clit. And so, I knew we weren't going anywhere particularly, we'd already had all kinds of intercourse and scenes and all that. And so I just decided not to worry about it and that I was going to rest and relax and just enjoy this feeling of his cock throbbing gently against my clit. And he made a really great decision and he actually decided not to move and not to push it, because a mistake with me is if the guy starts rubbing against me, it's too much sensation, I can't handle it, then we have to go to something else. My clit's way too senseitve, if he starts rubbing or licking or taking his hand, it's just too much sensation for me. And, I get over the threshold and we go to another place.
But he made a really wise decision to just relax and let things happen. And he didn't actually really do anything. He told me afterwards that he did deliberately cause his cock to throb a few times because saw how I was reacting to it. But for the rest of it, he let me control things. And it took, it did take really 45 minutes to an hour, but I had this wonderful, long, explosive, body-shaking orgasm, pretty much like I haven't had since I was late teens, early 20s. And it's because, and I cried, I cried, and I told him that it was a return to the original orgasm. And of course, not that I don't enjoy the many, many, many other things that we do, but it was so emotional for me to come back to this, the original, the thing that I did when I masturbated as a child and when I was first messing around with guys, the thing that feels too selfish to do because it takes 45 minutes to an hour and it's usually not nearly as exciting for the guy as it is for me. And I felt really guilty about it and he was wonderful and reassured me that, especially since I said I would've loved to have had sex after that, that he said, "Y'know, it's wonderful. I love to see you like that and this is something that I want to do for you because you've done so much for me and it's just part of who we are".
So I tell this story just because I don't know if this has happened to anybody else, that when you got into more sex-sex things, you kinda got away from the thing that first got you off. Or maybe there were things now that remind you of the thing that first got you off, the action, the thought that first got you off, that's always incorporated.
~December 10, 2006
So, I'm going to start from the beginning and go through the major points and give my own personal thoughts on them.
First, I was *not* a late bloomer. Not by a long shot. I have very distinct sexual fantasies that I can trace back at least as early as first grade (they revolved around a boy in my first grade class who moved the following year, which is how I can place a date). I don't know when I started masturbating because I can't actually remember the first time. I just feel like I've "always" done it. When I was 12-ish, I started exploring sexual activity with other people in some unusual situations. When I was 15, my then-best-friend lost her virginity to her boyfriend and talked endlessly about it. I, of course, already knew what sex was, thanks to my make-out sessions, a very progressive and complete sex-ed in school, an active and unusual fantasy life, and Showtime's late-night "adult programming". I liked making out and I had orgasms through masturbation, so I decided it was time to see for myself what all this sex stuff was about.
I did not have a boyfriend at the time (being judged unworthy by my peers - I was the resident whipping boy) and my goal was to have sex, not a loving relationship, especially since I had been convinced that I would never find someone to like me enough to date me, but I did have evidence that some people were willing to use me for sex. I very carefully calculated who I would choose as my first partner, judging by who was most likely to keep his mouth shut and not talk about it to the other guys in the neighborhood, preferably someone who would not even be around. A romantic relationship, caring feelings, long-term intentions, even skill had nothing to do with my selection process. So I found someone who was 19 and scheduled to report to boot camp in less than a week. He was everything I was looking for, and nothing I wasn't, including skilled. My first time was painful and uninteresting and even gave me a bit of a complex about my own performance and desirability. But, I was no longer a virgin.
My successive partners were much better, since I started choosing boyfriends, guys who cared for me and wanted me to enjoy sex. But the one thing that remain unchanged was that I didn't orgasm through intercourse.
My sixth lover managed to make me orgasm using the "dry humping" method that Minx mentions. It's possible earlier partners could have, or even partners that I didn't have sex with before him, I just don't remember anyone earlier than him. But I did always get really aroused by the dry humping even before my first orgasm by it. As long as I was fully clothed (and him too, since rubbing my jeans against his bare flesh was way too painful for him), he could get me to come when I was on top. This was the position that I masturbate in, lying on my stomach, holding myself up with my arms, and rubbing myself against a pillow or the floor. I didn't even learn to use my hands until I discovered vibrators as an adult and I needed to hold the vibrator in place, but I continued to masturbate in the same position. When he put me in this same position, and because I trusted him enough to let my guard down and let him see me in a position of vulnerability, I was able to orgasm.
Like Minx, I felt guilty. This method took a long time and, to a teenage boy, extensive foreplay is difficult even when he has loving intentions. This method is also not nearly as much fun for the guy as it was for me. I would tell my partners not to worry about me, I want to focus on him, mine takes too long, etc. And, when I did start having sex with lovers who cared enough to use skill (or learn skill), I learned to enjoy sex for many different reasons other than orgasm.
I love the feeling of being filled. I love getting a guy off, knowing that I had something to do with that. My partner's orgasm can sometimes be enough to bring me to the brink of orgasm all by itself, I love it so much. I love the feeling of his enjoyment. The sensations of sex are genuinely pleasurable and the emotional connection adds depth and complexity. I really do love sex even when I do not have an orgasm. But I do not normally orgasm during PIV intercourse.
Also like Minx, I don't understand the BDSM practice of denying orgasm. I have been brought to the brink of orgasm through enjoyable sexual activity only to have it end for a variety of reasons. I can exist with a minimum of discomfort at being denied orgasm. If the stimulation doesn't continue, the desire for orgasm just decreases. If the stimulation continues but doesn't bring about the orgasm, the continued stimulation creates physical irritation which, again, decreases desire for orgasm and also makes it unlikely for me to reach orgasm later until the irritation heals. If I have not had an orgasm in a long enough time, my body will give me one in a dream when it thinks I need one and I can go on for weeks until I need another one. And I just don't have the proper mindset to be concerned about a sexual partner who threatens punishment for disobeying orders. I know too well that his authority over me is given to him by my consent. And, just like when I discovered that my parents authority only existed as long as *I* thought it did, this prevents me from being too afraid of consequences if I allow myself an orgasm against orders. Orgasm has never been a high priority for me with regards to my interactions with other people. And when I do decide to orgasm, it takes a lot of concentration and focus to do it. It never just "happens". I have to consciously decide that I will allow someone to see me orgasm, then I have to consciously focus on just me and intentionally clear my mind of anything but my own pleasure, which is hard to do without the guilt complex interfering.
When I was 20, my 10th partner (for intercourse, I haven't a clue how many partners I'd had before this if you just count making out) was able to make me orgasm during intercourse. By this time I understood that some of my inability was rooted in fear of vulnerability and trust issues (which stemmed from how difficult it was for me to orgasm and giving over the power to someone else to understand how I worked). So I got it in my head that the person who was skilled enough at sex *and* at gaining my trust must be the person I was destined to marry. Yeah, I know. Again, though, the orgasm was reached much in the way Minx described above, a clitoral orgasm when he rubbed his pubic bone just right to approximate that old method.
After that relationship ended, the next person who was able to give me an orgasm through intercourse was partner #18. He was the first person to enable me to feel an orgasm in a position other than the one that matched my usual masturbation position. This was the missionary position, which has always had deep emotional pleasure for me. But it was still the same thing, he had narrow hips and he learned to rub his pubic bone in just the right way. What was particularly interesting in this case was my orgasm always came just after he had his and he was already starting to get soft. The feeling of a hard cock inside of me is pleasurable, but also painful in many ways. This partner's method removed that pain that can interfere with orgasm and incorporated my love of feeling his orgasm. But it's so difficult, it's nearly impossible for a man to become soft and still remain inside, especially when my own muscles are clenching around him in orgasm. I'm amazed he did it at all, let alone regularly.
I had a clitoral orgasm through PIV intercourse only once more after that and this was a truly unique experience. This was partner #31. I was 29 years old and this was a guy I had a crush on back when we were seniors in high school. We got back in contact with each other and discovered our mutual attraction was re-built. Not renewed, exactly. We discovered that we were both very different people than those kids we were in high school, and our new adult selves developed our own attraction to each other. We are very long distance and decided that an ongoing relationship was impractical. But we decided to have a one-weekend-fling anyway, to explore that aspect of our various relationships that we never got to explore together. So, on a "casual relationship", in missionary position, with no previous exposure to my body to learn these quirks about me, he managed to give me that elusive of all orgasms, the mutual PIV orgasm. And, ironically, it was the sharp pain of his rather generous size that pushed me over the edge. This was a complete anomaly.
Now, I've discovered a new twist in my sexual path. I've actually experienced something I thought I was incapable of experiencing. Partner #30 turned out to be quite skilled with his hands. Even though it didn't result in orgasm, he managed to make me feel pleasure at pressure on the G-spot. Throughout my rather extensive sexual history, this has always been an unpleasant experience. A common complaint by women who have not experienced G-spot orgasm is that it feels like needing to urinate. When this partner pressed in that way of his, I did not have that highly unpleasant urination feeling that I always did with pressure in that spot before. For me, it was more than just needing to urinate, it was a painful need to urinate, kind of like a UTI. This time, the pressure was in the same place, with just a little bit of that urination feeling, but not painful in the least. It didn't make me want to orgasm either, but, like the pleasurable-filling-up feeling of PIV, it still felt good without being orgasmic.
My most recent partner has actually made me have a G-spot orgasm through PIV intercourse. I was completely shocked when he did this for the first time. And he consistently manages to do this to me. Even without the orgasm, intercourse and all sexual activity is very pleasurable. But it's not the same as the orgasms I give to myself, the orgasms I first learned as a child with fantasies and masturbation, and the orgasms I had in the early days of "dry humping". This does not discount the very amazing pleasure I feel during sex in general and especially with what![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tacit calls "spider position" so much. But I have a lot of guilt and self-consciousness at this method, which inhibits my ability to orgasm in this way, knowing that it will take a long time and will be less pleasurable for him than for me. I'm so self-conscious about it that I've never even described my masturbation method until now (yes, when I decide to disclose, I go all the way). And that's due to a feeling that how I orgasm is different, "weird", compared to other women. Even if other women do feel these same things, I know that many men are unaware of it, so I will be seen as "wierd" or different even if I am not. I can handle being "weird", and in fact I often revel in it, but having an orgasm makes one vulnerable. And the last thing many people want is to be thought of as "weird" at their most vulnerable, particularly by those they have just chosen to allow to see them at their most vulnerable.
So, in case anyone else feel this way, you're not alone. Maybe, like Minx did for me, I can inspire someone else to be open and truthful about their orgasm. And for those who are unaware that real people don't always orgasm with the techniques the pornos teach us, perhaps I can enlighten some of them about this very sensitive area when women are unlikely to explain and teach what their partners ought to know.
Minx relates some of her thoughts about how she first explored her sexuality and how that relates to her later explorations. Other than the quirks of dialect that mark this as *her* speech, this episode could have been written by me. I transcribed the portion of this episode that was most relevant to this entry and I will post it now. My thoughts follow. (This is a very detailed look at my own sexuality - I'd recommend skipping this if you don't want to know this kind of thing about me)
Return to the Original Orgasm
by Cunning Minx
... I was a late bloomer sexually and it wasn't until my early to mid 20s when I actually finally had sex, and until then, my sexual contact with men was usually, well, my preferred way to get off was actually a bit of
frottage, what we affectionately called "dry humping", yeah, rubbing our body parts together. And what's interesting is that, I had always assumed that once I had sex, that that was going to be better. And well, I won't say it was worse, but it was just different. As it turns out, my clit is very sensitive and it actually prefers, I mean, the preferred method of coming for me would definately be that kind of rubbing against a guy's leg or his cock and usually through clothing was better because my clit is so sensitive, that skin-on-skin just created too much friction. And even something through, y'know, jeans or any type of clothing provided just that extra layer that made it that much more comfortable for me and made it that much easier to control my orgasm. Now, of course, once I actually started having sex, I discovered all these other things and there was sex and oral sex and all different kinds of ways to come and thanks to my relationship with Fencer T, I did discover that I actually could have a clitoral orgasm during PIV sex.
...
So I did discover, eventually, that through this same type of rubbing action, if the guy's pubic bone was in the right place and if he had his hips wide enough apart - or narrow enough apart I guess I should say - I was able and I am on occasion to have clitoral oragasms during PIV sex. And all this stuff is really, really great and it's been really fun. However, I should say that my first orgasms, my original orgasms, were really wonderful and really rewarding and took a really, really long time. I mean, 45 minutes, an hour, to get from the point of original contact to orgasm point for me. And it got to the point that I was embarrassed that that's how I had my best orgasms. And, it also got to the point that I would just say, whenever I got a new partner I would say "Y'know what, don't worry about me, let's focus on you, mine takes too long" or I'm just not going to worry about it. And it was true and it still is true that, for me, an orgasm takes a lot of focus and concentration. I never understood all these BDSM stories where they're denying the woman orgasm and she's begging to come. And I'm thinking, y'know, it's *work* for me to come I have to focus, I have to fantasize, I have to think about things, I love it, but it's definately not something that's just going to happen. These beginning Doms that will come in without knowing who I am and without knowing my sexuality will say "Oh, I'm going to train you so that you can come on command" and I'm just like, rolling my eyes going 'Y'know, good luck with that buddy". That just shows that you think that all women are the same and all women come the same and that's just not the case. And to me that shows an arrogance and a lack of intelligence that makes me want to go in the other room. And I do.
So, of course, I've had a very fulfilling sex life having all kinds of orgasms and usually the focus does tend to be on the guy because I enjoy the sensation of sexual intercourse, PIV sex and anal sex. I love those so much, I love the feeling of being filled, that most of the time it doesn't really matter if I actually have an orgasm or not, as long as I get some stimulation. I really get off on getting the guy off. I really get off on knowing that I did that to his cock, that he came because of me. So that's obviously very fulfilling for me.
But there was a point recently when Gray Dancer and I were having some issues or what have you and there was a point when we woke up in the morning and he just laid on top of me. And I think maybe I was wearing panties so he lay on top of me and there was a layer of clothing between us. And he wasn't doing it, as it turned out, for some type of sexual arousal, it was just to be there for me in a loving kind of way. He konws I like feeling somebody's entire body pressed against me, it's very comforting to me.
Well, his cock started throbbing and it was exactly on top of my clit. And so, I knew we weren't going anywhere particularly, we'd already had all kinds of intercourse and scenes and all that. And so I just decided not to worry about it and that I was going to rest and relax and just enjoy this feeling of his cock throbbing gently against my clit. And he made a really great decision and he actually decided not to move and not to push it, because a mistake with me is if the guy starts rubbing against me, it's too much sensation, I can't handle it, then we have to go to something else. My clit's way too senseitve, if he starts rubbing or licking or taking his hand, it's just too much sensation for me. And, I get over the threshold and we go to another place.
But he made a really wise decision to just relax and let things happen. And he didn't actually really do anything. He told me afterwards that he did deliberately cause his cock to throb a few times because saw how I was reacting to it. But for the rest of it, he let me control things. And it took, it did take really 45 minutes to an hour, but I had this wonderful, long, explosive, body-shaking orgasm, pretty much like I haven't had since I was late teens, early 20s. And it's because, and I cried, I cried, and I told him that it was a return to the original orgasm. And of course, not that I don't enjoy the many, many, many other things that we do, but it was so emotional for me to come back to this, the original, the thing that I did when I masturbated as a child and when I was first messing around with guys, the thing that feels too selfish to do because it takes 45 minutes to an hour and it's usually not nearly as exciting for the guy as it is for me. And I felt really guilty about it and he was wonderful and reassured me that, especially since I said I would've loved to have had sex after that, that he said, "Y'know, it's wonderful. I love to see you like that and this is something that I want to do for you because you've done so much for me and it's just part of who we are".
So I tell this story just because I don't know if this has happened to anybody else, that when you got into more sex-sex things, you kinda got away from the thing that first got you off. Or maybe there were things now that remind you of the thing that first got you off, the action, the thought that first got you off, that's always incorporated.
~December 10, 2006
So, I'm going to start from the beginning and go through the major points and give my own personal thoughts on them.
First, I was *not* a late bloomer. Not by a long shot. I have very distinct sexual fantasies that I can trace back at least as early as first grade (they revolved around a boy in my first grade class who moved the following year, which is how I can place a date). I don't know when I started masturbating because I can't actually remember the first time. I just feel like I've "always" done it. When I was 12-ish, I started exploring sexual activity with other people in some unusual situations. When I was 15, my then-best-friend lost her virginity to her boyfriend and talked endlessly about it. I, of course, already knew what sex was, thanks to my make-out sessions, a very progressive and complete sex-ed in school, an active and unusual fantasy life, and Showtime's late-night "adult programming". I liked making out and I had orgasms through masturbation, so I decided it was time to see for myself what all this sex stuff was about.
I did not have a boyfriend at the time (being judged unworthy by my peers - I was the resident whipping boy) and my goal was to have sex, not a loving relationship, especially since I had been convinced that I would never find someone to like me enough to date me, but I did have evidence that some people were willing to use me for sex. I very carefully calculated who I would choose as my first partner, judging by who was most likely to keep his mouth shut and not talk about it to the other guys in the neighborhood, preferably someone who would not even be around. A romantic relationship, caring feelings, long-term intentions, even skill had nothing to do with my selection process. So I found someone who was 19 and scheduled to report to boot camp in less than a week. He was everything I was looking for, and nothing I wasn't, including skilled. My first time was painful and uninteresting and even gave me a bit of a complex about my own performance and desirability. But, I was no longer a virgin.
My successive partners were much better, since I started choosing boyfriends, guys who cared for me and wanted me to enjoy sex. But the one thing that remain unchanged was that I didn't orgasm through intercourse.
My sixth lover managed to make me orgasm using the "dry humping" method that Minx mentions. It's possible earlier partners could have, or even partners that I didn't have sex with before him, I just don't remember anyone earlier than him. But I did always get really aroused by the dry humping even before my first orgasm by it. As long as I was fully clothed (and him too, since rubbing my jeans against his bare flesh was way too painful for him), he could get me to come when I was on top. This was the position that I masturbate in, lying on my stomach, holding myself up with my arms, and rubbing myself against a pillow or the floor. I didn't even learn to use my hands until I discovered vibrators as an adult and I needed to hold the vibrator in place, but I continued to masturbate in the same position. When he put me in this same position, and because I trusted him enough to let my guard down and let him see me in a position of vulnerability, I was able to orgasm.
Like Minx, I felt guilty. This method took a long time and, to a teenage boy, extensive foreplay is difficult even when he has loving intentions. This method is also not nearly as much fun for the guy as it was for me. I would tell my partners not to worry about me, I want to focus on him, mine takes too long, etc. And, when I did start having sex with lovers who cared enough to use skill (or learn skill), I learned to enjoy sex for many different reasons other than orgasm.
I love the feeling of being filled. I love getting a guy off, knowing that I had something to do with that. My partner's orgasm can sometimes be enough to bring me to the brink of orgasm all by itself, I love it so much. I love the feeling of his enjoyment. The sensations of sex are genuinely pleasurable and the emotional connection adds depth and complexity. I really do love sex even when I do not have an orgasm. But I do not normally orgasm during PIV intercourse.
Also like Minx, I don't understand the BDSM practice of denying orgasm. I have been brought to the brink of orgasm through enjoyable sexual activity only to have it end for a variety of reasons. I can exist with a minimum of discomfort at being denied orgasm. If the stimulation doesn't continue, the desire for orgasm just decreases. If the stimulation continues but doesn't bring about the orgasm, the continued stimulation creates physical irritation which, again, decreases desire for orgasm and also makes it unlikely for me to reach orgasm later until the irritation heals. If I have not had an orgasm in a long enough time, my body will give me one in a dream when it thinks I need one and I can go on for weeks until I need another one. And I just don't have the proper mindset to be concerned about a sexual partner who threatens punishment for disobeying orders. I know too well that his authority over me is given to him by my consent. And, just like when I discovered that my parents authority only existed as long as *I* thought it did, this prevents me from being too afraid of consequences if I allow myself an orgasm against orders. Orgasm has never been a high priority for me with regards to my interactions with other people. And when I do decide to orgasm, it takes a lot of concentration and focus to do it. It never just "happens". I have to consciously decide that I will allow someone to see me orgasm, then I have to consciously focus on just me and intentionally clear my mind of anything but my own pleasure, which is hard to do without the guilt complex interfering.
When I was 20, my 10th partner (for intercourse, I haven't a clue how many partners I'd had before this if you just count making out) was able to make me orgasm during intercourse. By this time I understood that some of my inability was rooted in fear of vulnerability and trust issues (which stemmed from how difficult it was for me to orgasm and giving over the power to someone else to understand how I worked). So I got it in my head that the person who was skilled enough at sex *and* at gaining my trust must be the person I was destined to marry. Yeah, I know. Again, though, the orgasm was reached much in the way Minx described above, a clitoral orgasm when he rubbed his pubic bone just right to approximate that old method.
After that relationship ended, the next person who was able to give me an orgasm through intercourse was partner #18. He was the first person to enable me to feel an orgasm in a position other than the one that matched my usual masturbation position. This was the missionary position, which has always had deep emotional pleasure for me. But it was still the same thing, he had narrow hips and he learned to rub his pubic bone in just the right way. What was particularly interesting in this case was my orgasm always came just after he had his and he was already starting to get soft. The feeling of a hard cock inside of me is pleasurable, but also painful in many ways. This partner's method removed that pain that can interfere with orgasm and incorporated my love of feeling his orgasm. But it's so difficult, it's nearly impossible for a man to become soft and still remain inside, especially when my own muscles are clenching around him in orgasm. I'm amazed he did it at all, let alone regularly.
I had a clitoral orgasm through PIV intercourse only once more after that and this was a truly unique experience. This was partner #31. I was 29 years old and this was a guy I had a crush on back when we were seniors in high school. We got back in contact with each other and discovered our mutual attraction was re-built. Not renewed, exactly. We discovered that we were both very different people than those kids we were in high school, and our new adult selves developed our own attraction to each other. We are very long distance and decided that an ongoing relationship was impractical. But we decided to have a one-weekend-fling anyway, to explore that aspect of our various relationships that we never got to explore together. So, on a "casual relationship", in missionary position, with no previous exposure to my body to learn these quirks about me, he managed to give me that elusive of all orgasms, the mutual PIV orgasm. And, ironically, it was the sharp pain of his rather generous size that pushed me over the edge. This was a complete anomaly.
Now, I've discovered a new twist in my sexual path. I've actually experienced something I thought I was incapable of experiencing. Partner #30 turned out to be quite skilled with his hands. Even though it didn't result in orgasm, he managed to make me feel pleasure at pressure on the G-spot. Throughout my rather extensive sexual history, this has always been an unpleasant experience. A common complaint by women who have not experienced G-spot orgasm is that it feels like needing to urinate. When this partner pressed in that way of his, I did not have that highly unpleasant urination feeling that I always did with pressure in that spot before. For me, it was more than just needing to urinate, it was a painful need to urinate, kind of like a UTI. This time, the pressure was in the same place, with just a little bit of that urination feeling, but not painful in the least. It didn't make me want to orgasm either, but, like the pleasurable-filling-up feeling of PIV, it still felt good without being orgasmic.
My most recent partner has actually made me have a G-spot orgasm through PIV intercourse. I was completely shocked when he did this for the first time. And he consistently manages to do this to me. Even without the orgasm, intercourse and all sexual activity is very pleasurable. But it's not the same as the orgasms I give to myself, the orgasms I first learned as a child with fantasies and masturbation, and the orgasms I had in the early days of "dry humping". This does not discount the very amazing pleasure I feel during sex in general and especially with what
tacit calls "spider position" so much. But I have a lot of guilt and self-consciousness at this method, which inhibits my ability to orgasm in this way, knowing that it will take a long time and will be less pleasurable for him than for me. I'm so self-conscious about it that I've never even described my masturbation method until now (yes, when I decide to disclose, I go all the way). And that's due to a feeling that how I orgasm is different, "weird", compared to other women. Even if other women do feel these same things, I know that many men are unaware of it, so I will be seen as "wierd" or different even if I am not. I can handle being "weird", and in fact I often revel in it, but having an orgasm makes one vulnerable. And the last thing many people want is to be thought of as "weird" at their most vulnerable, particularly by those they have just chosen to allow to see them at their most vulnerable. So, in case anyone else feel this way, you're not alone. Maybe, like Minx did for me, I can inspire someone else to be open and truthful about their orgasm. And for those who are unaware that real people don't always orgasm with the techniques the pornos teach us, perhaps I can enlighten some of them about this very sensitive area when women are unlikely to explain and teach what their partners ought to know.
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no subject
Date: 4/15/08 12:19 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/15/08 12:24 am (UTC)From:I can't speak for my readers, but it's incredibly rare for me to think something is TMI :-D
However, if you decide to write your own post with a cut instead of here, I'd be happy to read it there.
no subject
Date: 4/15/08 01:54 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/17/08 04:16 pm (UTC)From:Button: Omniscience ... click!
I am not different and weird?
Date: 4/15/08 12:32 am (UTC)From:At age 31 with 24 lovers in my history I can honestly say that I have NEVER had an orgasim during intercourse. I love sex as a whole, but much like you describe the feeling of his release and of being filled... that is what makes me so happy. I don't need to climax to enjoy sex in all it's many ways of fun. I never quite got to the point of saying "don't worry about me" but I have had that mental attitude for a very very long time. These days I try to chose my lovers based on caring and emotional connection.
It's nice to know I am not alone.
Re: I am not different and weird?
Date: 4/15/08 01:34 am (UTC)From:I highly recommend the Hitachi Magic Wand, but it's a very powerful vibrator and not everyone likes it.
Re: I am not different and weird?
Date: 4/15/08 04:27 am (UTC)From:As to your question - vibrators have never done much for me. Its the handle and/or the remote. They always buzz in my hands which distract the hell out of me. It takes so much focus from my mind to allow me to stop trying to take care of my lovers needs and allow them to take care of me, 'specially when it takes so much effort to get me off (I like your transcription am VERY sensative and it takes a while before I enjoy having my clit touched).
When I am on my own my favorite method is the massaging shower head. :)
Re: I am not different and weird?
Date: 4/15/08 04:59 pm (UTC)From:Re: I am not different and weird?
Date: 4/15/08 09:39 pm (UTC)From:Re: I am not different and weird?
Date: 5/21/08 08:29 pm (UTC)From:http://www.stockroom.com/Remote-Control-Butterfly-Vibrator-P260.aspx?ref=3302596 - I used to have this one
http://www.stockroom.com/My-Fetish-Craby-Vibe-P2050.aspx?ref=3302596
http://www.stockroom.com/Micro-Powered-Vibrating-Panty-P1824.aspx?ref=3302596
http://www.womynsware.com/Home/Sex%20Toys/Vibes/Battery%20Operated%20Accessories/Eggstasy%20Pouch - this one is on my wishlist
And there's always the option of having your partner hold the vibrator for you!
http://www.womynsware.com/Home/Sex%20Toys/Toys%20for%20Couples/Clit%20Berry
http://www.extremerestraints.com/the-tongue-dinger_1913.html
http://www.extremerestraints.com/vibrating-penis-extension_2306.html
http://www.extremerestraints.com/madame-butterfly-stimulator_1423.html
no subject
Date: 4/15/08 06:11 am (UTC)From:There is an uncanny valley of intimacy in which having an orgasm with a partner is hard for me for the reasons you talk about. The ability to be that vulnerable just won't come. With someone I'm not that intimate with it isn't nearly as scary.
Also, if I haven't had a partner for a long time, it takes practice for me to remember how again with a partner.
One of the highest compliments I've been paid by a lover is that she felt totally unjudged by me for her desires and what she needed to get off.
no subject
Date: 4/16/08 06:45 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/15/08 12:41 pm (UTC)From:I'm curious about something that you don't explicitly state in your post, but please don't feel any pressure at all to respond. Does it take you a long time to orgasm when you masturbate, or do you find that the built-in feedback allows you to do so more quickly? Just curious (and I'm also a complete stranger to TMI).
Personally, I can get myself off pretty reliably in under two minutes, but I'll usually only do that for... utilitarian... purposes- if I need to focus on something not related to sex and don't want to deal with the added distraction that hormones frequently create. Time permitting I prefer to take 20-30 minutes if I'm reading or watching porn (my personal preference). I can take as long as an hour, but then I run the risk of being late for work. ;-)
no subject
Date: 4/16/08 06:48 pm (UTC)From:But when I'm with a partner, it can take hours from first contact to orgasm, and that's frustrating not just for them, but for me too.
no subject
Date: 4/15/08 08:52 pm (UTC)From:After I had a baby almost four years ago though, several things changed. First, my sex drive skyrocketed. Second, in a cruel twist of fate, it became much more difficult for me to orgasm. Unless my husband is going down on me, that is, in which case I have to try not to come too soon, which is how it's always been with him. I love it when my boyfriend goes down on me too, but it hasn't quite made me come yet. I think part of that is because I was monogamous for so long. When I married my husband, he was the only boy I'd ever kissed, and I've become very finely tuned to the the ways he stimulates me. Another thing with the boyfriend, I think, is that I was on a progestin-only birth control pill (because I was breastfeeding) when we started having sex, which made it almost impossible for me to orgasm, so cunnilingus became an exercise in frustration for both of us that we haven't quite gotten past.
One thing that's remained consistent from pre- to post-baby is the direct nerve connection between my nipples and my clitoris, but masturbating is a whole different thing now. I'd never used a vibrator before, just clitoral stimulation with my hand, but there's no way that would be enough to get me off now. I also never used to like having PIV sex after I'd orgasmed, but now post-orgasm is one of my favorite times to screw. And my orgasms themselves, though they start with the same burst of intense pleasure, are now followed by fantastic, long, shuddering, echoing catastrophes of insane delight. So I'm not complaining about that. I definitely have the guilt thing though, because with my boyfriend, it does usually take me 45 minutes to come using a Hitachi Magic Wand, and I know that's pretty boring for him. We just recently tried to use it during sex, but he ended up with a bruise from it. I could try a smaller vibrator, I suppose, but I really think that would just be too many things to juggle at once and would distract me too much from the mental focus and precise stimulation I need to have an orgasm. And it would also detract from the joy of straight up fucking. Amusingly, I realized while trying to use the Hitachi during sex that there was a valid logistical reason for anal sex, but that doesn't do me any good, because boy do I not want to have anal sex.
Probably with the boyfriend I should be more vocal about the precise nature of the constant nipple stimulation I want while I'm using the Hitachi. That would probably hasten the arrival of my orgasm, which would be good for both of us, since the Hitachi does become overstimulating in fairly short order. But for some reason, it feels slightly silly to say, "No no, tweak my nipples THIS way." It's totally ridiculous, of course, that I'm a 30-year-old, 21st century feminist with a loving partner, who's still occasionally reluctant to say what I want, but there it is.
None of this is really a complaint though, just an unconscionably prolonged contemplation of the importance of my own nipples. :) Overall, when I think about my sex life, I think: I have two lovers, the sex I have with each of them is radically different, and I love all of it.
no subject
Date: 4/16/08 07:17 pm (UTC)From:I am also extremely sensitive in my nipples and can be brought almost to orgasm through nipple stimulation alone (but not actually reach orgasm with just nipple stimulation). The downside is that when I'm not turned on, that sensitivity is quite painful, so even though I hate padded bras for what they represent (low self-esteem due to small breast size), I have to admit they do help me a lot just to get through the day.
If I'm close to orgasm but having trouble (either with PIV sex with
Part of it is, I think, that I'm embarrassed still that this is how I get off. Part of it is that guilt for asking for something that *I* need instead of focusing all my attention on my partner (again, I know better intellectually). And part of it is that when I actually do manage to orgasm, either by myself or with someone else, I'm really too lost in the feeling of orgasm to be able to tell my partner at another time what worked for me then. I just don't know, I wasn't keeping a score card of manuevers, I was totally caught up in a wave of pleasure and the whole world ceased to exist, so I can't really give instructions.
continued
Date: 4/16/08 07:17 pm (UTC)From:That's another thing, btw, none of this was intended as a complaint either, and I'm afraid that telling a partner all of this kind of stuff might sound like a complaint when it's not. Once again, I know better in my head, but that doesn't stop me from feeling this anyway.
I have used the Hitachi once during PIV sex. My boyfriend at the time insisted. He knew my difficulty with orgasm with a partner (intercourse or not, it's still hard for me with someone else there to witness it) and he intentionally set up a situation just for me. The whole point of the sex that day was for me to have an orgasm during sex, not for his pleasure at all. He had me in reverse cowgirl because 1) I get off easier when I'm on top and 2) he theorized that if I wasn't facing him, I might lose some of my inhibition at being seen "vulnerable". If he couldn't see my face, he thought I might relax enough to let my guard down and allow myself to orgasm. He gave me the Hitachi and let me use it however I wanted. It helped that he also likes the Hitachi used on *him*, so I didn't have to worry about touching him with the vibrator and worrying if it was uncomfortable for him. So this was all about me and he had been carefully building a place for me in our sex life where I felt safe to be "selfish". This was the culmination of that experiment.
It still took a lot of mental concentration from me to let go of the guilt and allow myself to pleasure myself with someone else present, but since *he* was the one who set the whole thing up, he selected the time, dictated the position, the goal, selected the toy, all without telling me until we had started making out, it helped to reinforce to me that he really did want this occasion to be all about *me*. I can't even remember at this point if he ever got off or not that day.
As for the anal sex, yes, I see several really good reasons for anal sex, but, unfortunately, it's quite painful for me so I keep avoiding the "training" I'm told might help me. It's on my to-do list, though, of sexual inhibitions to work on.
I did, however, just recently discover that the Hitachi is very close in length to the length of my thigh. This means that I can kneel and put the Hitachi cord-down on the bed between my legs and the head butts right up against my clit. I'm thinking I might like to try this sometime during doggie-style, since that's my least-favorite of all positions (my partners always go in too deep and hit my cervix - I hear some women like that, but I most certainly do not), but it seems to be the one that one of my sweeties likes to finish with. I don't dislike doggie when it's done carefully, but if I could get some kind of clitoral stimulation during it, I think I would like it much more, especially since I like spider so much. I haven't tried any of the smaller vibes yet because I am too inhibited to touch myself when someone else can see it and my egg vibe really can't hide that I'm touching myself. I think if one of my partners suggested it to me (or perhaps insisted in some kind of dominance play), I might eventually be able to do that. The best I've been able to do so far is hint that I have vibrators with me all the time and keep hoping either I'll grow the figurative cajones to ask for it outright or a partner someday will get the idea on his own to ask me to get out one of my toys.
Re: continued
Date: 4/17/08 01:01 pm (UTC)From:I've never actually tried anal sex, because I've always thought it would be painful. I can see how some milder forms of anal stimulation would be pleasurable, but the thought of putting a penis in that orifice is pretty alarming to me.
Doggie style tends to feel really good to me at first, but if it goes on too long, it becomes painful, especially if I'm already getting worn out. I can't remember if I've tried the Hitachi in that position, but I have tried a smaller vibe, and it still got in the way. I wonder if my finger vibe would work? But when doggie style is a finishing thing for the guy, I'm inclined to concentrate on just that.
Re: continued
Date: 4/17/08 04:11 pm (UTC)From:But I absolutely love threesomes with 2 guys, so I've always wanted to try a DP someday, which will be impossible if I don't get over the anal thing (if that's possible).
When doggie style is a finishing thing for the guy, I'm usually inclined to concentrate on just that too, but at it's best, doggie is merely enjoyable. More often than not, it's uncomfortable to downright painful. If I could find some kind of stimulation for myself, that would help, especially if it leads to orgasm.
I also want to try and avoid the perception that it's a job I'm doing for him. I mean, in one way I kind of am, but I *do* get pleasure out of participating in my partner's orgasm, so it's not like "*sigh* ok, let's see, how can I get him to come the quickest so he'll be done?" if that makes any sense. But my own arousal and orgasm makes it quite clear that I'm enjoying myself too, not *just* doing it for him.
It's a fuzzy line, on the one hand, partnerships are partly about doing things for each other, supporting each other, etc. (like how much I appreciated my ex giving me an all-about-me day) But on the other hand, one can go too far with doing things for the partner that one is not actually interested in herself (like the quandry we discussed regarding how women get into threesomes). So, yes, I'm doing doggie style for my partner, but I am not doing it *just* for him, like a chore. And I think my orgasm, or at least arousal, during doggie would solve both the physical difficulty and the false impression that it's a chore.
I'm rambling now
no subject
Date: 4/17/08 12:22 pm (UTC)From:As far as bras go, there's a difference between a padded bra and a lined bra. I wear the lined ones. They don't add any extra mass, they make a nice smooth contour under a fitted shirt, and they do offer some nipple protection. I find them especially useful during cold Ohio winters and for the fact that I don't want people to be able to see my hardened nipples, which are pretty enormous and therefore rather noticeable.
Regarding telling someone what I need to get off, for me it's not that I'm unaware of what I need, it's that my ability to speak decreases as my level of arousal rises. Our boyfriend likes to hear the talking, as you know, and when he asks me to talk, I've literally been known to say things like, "Want. Cock," which is sometimes just about all I can manage. But there's also the embarrassment issue, and the fact that I've been with my husband for so ridiculously long that I'm still not used to having to tell someone what I need. And maybe, I've just thought of this, I don't want to make the boyfriend feel like he has to behave like the husband in order to get me off. But of course, it's not about getting him to behave like someone else, it's about teaching him what I need, which my husband just already happens to know.
no subject
Date: 4/17/08 03:53 pm (UTC)From:When I'm really getting into it, I am also unable to speak coherently. The only response I can get out is "brain not working". I wish I could talk to him like he wants, but my brain just shuts down.
But when I say I don't know what I need, I mean right at that moment, whatever it is that brings me over into orgasm, I am often just not aware enough of my surroundings to be able to give someone a lesson later when I'm more capable of speech. Consequently, I also have absolutely no clue what to do to other girls since I'm not really sure what the guys are doing to me that feels so good and I don't really use my hands on myself.
I can also understand the concern that I might be perceived (either by him or myself) as trying to turn someone into someone else. And you're right, it's not about trying to make him behave like someone else, it's about wanting everyone to do things that I need. If one person already happens to know it, it's because they've adapted to me, not that I'm trying to get everyone else to be like him.