A Feminist Rant

[joreth]

I don't think I've publicly declared my resentment about becoming a feminist. I probably always was one in deed, but I rejected the label and the identity, mainly out of a misunderstanding of what the label meant. But not only have I always identified as a guy in my head, I often sided with guys in gender debates too.

All my life, my closest friends were guys (except for 1 year in high school where I had 4 best female friends and 2 best guy friends), so I saw life through their eyes. I saw the shit girls did to them and I filtered & interpreted the world through a male perspective, even while I was getting shit on for being female. I couldn't have a later curfew because it was "unsafe for girls". I couldn't wear pants, couldn't play with tools, couldn't do this, couldn't do that... and yet, in the battle between the sexes, I saw girls as being "crazy", as mistreating men, as guys getting the shaft, so to speak.

I took a lot of pride in the fact that I was a female standing in defense of the unfair treatment of males - I thought (correctly) that having one member of a gender tell others in that gender that they were being unfair was a powerful tool and a powerful statement to make. I still take a lot of pride in the idea that I believe I evaluate situations from a fairness perspective that is irrespective of the genders involved - when a woman is in the wrong, I won't take her side for sisterhood, and when a man is wrong, it's not because he's a man but because he is wrong.

I think I didn't even see a lot of misogyny because I can pass for white, I grew up in a liberal state, I went to an all girls' school that actually did encourage female empowerment and had the best sex ed I've ever heard of outside of a training course for sex ed teachers, was repeatedly told by my parents to put off dating, finish college, and have my own career before even thinking about marriage, and I grew up middle class in suburbia. Really, other than not having a penis or a mansion, I was pretty much in the next most privileged class down in spite of also being a minority in almost every class.

Since getting online, however, my perspective had changed radically. Even with online dating and being a female in a male-dominiated work environment, I felt sexism and misogyny but still refused to call myself a feminist and I refused to give up defending my male friends from "those crazy women".  I would get resentful if someone lumped me in with "those crazy women" and when someone made a derogatory remark about women and then said "no offense" to me, I'd say "none taken - I don't count as a woman and they be crazy yo!" (ok, I didn't say "they be crazy yo" but you get the point).

But then I got dragged into feminism. I got dragged into it kicking and screaming by fucking atheists and skeptics. The one place where I should have felt safe, is where I felt the most under-privileged, the most at risk, the most dehumanized, the most female. I've walked the streets of downtown Atlanta at night, alone, and never felt at risk. I've been cornered by guys, I've been assaulted both sexually and just physically.  And I've taken the public bus through gang territory in California.  At night.  Wearing the wrong colors.  In a skirt.

I rarely felt that I lacked a privileged status, that I was at risk of harm, that I was subhuman, in fact, I rarely even felt female. Until I joined the atheist communites online. Suddenly, I've started paying attention to how I dress to see if it "encourages" unwanted advances (and making sure I'm always armed in case I do get those unwanted advances) and I've stopped correcting people when they guess me to be male online because I feel as though I lose credibility when people know I'm female.

And, thanks to people who were supposed to be rational and logical and reasonable turning out to be some of the biggest assholes I've ever met (and remember, I get into flamewars with creationists and I work with stagehands and roadies), I now see sexism all the fucking time. And I miss living in the world where sexism happened to other people, where I was an equal, and where I had no fear. I know it was an illusion, but I miss that illusion, because my world was a happier, safer place to be. It's where I grew the balls to be an activist in the first place. If I lived in a world where I could have been killed for my opinions, I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to grow into the flame warrior and activist that I am today.

I wasn't an angry atheist before. I know my online presence makes me look like I'm angry all the time, but that's because the internet was a safe place for me to be angry when I couldn't in person, so I get it out here and then I go on with my day and I can confront people without fear of physical retribution (usually). But I wasn't an angry atheist before. And I wasn't a man-hating feminazi. And I'm still not an angry atheist or a man-hating feminazi, but goddamnit if I'm not more angry, more often. I feel like I have to unplug from my source of news and friends to stop being angry. The internet is no longer the safe place where I can go express my anger to get it out and move on. Now it's the source of my anger, and it's making me aware of things I wasn't before. 

And I bitterly resent it.

To be fair, I also recognize some incredibly wonderful men in the atheist and skeptic communities who are the men I was expecting to find (like PZ Myers and Franklin, and everyone who defended Rebecca Watson).  

Don't get me wrong, I always think it's better to go through life with eyes wide open and as few blinders as possible. I still think so even now.  But I don't feel as though I was given the option, that I was presented with the choices of worldviews, that I weighed the pros & cons, and that I chose the label and identity of feminist because it was the better choice. I feel as though I was pushed off a cliff into the sea of feminism. Sure, it's a pretty awesome sea to be swimming in, but I resent feeling as though I've had choices taken away from me and I resent the loss of my previous identity.

Unlike when I heard of polyamory, I didn't research it and then embrace it for my own. I found myself siding against people I previously thought of as my allies, my friends, and my compatriots because they became, not just wrong, but blindingly, obtusely, belligerantly wrong. I find myself in a camp not of my choosing because I value fairness and evidence and reason and "my side" turned out to be blithering assholes, so I had to switch sides by default.  It's kind of like voting for Obama for president - sure I like him and all, but I voted for him mainly to keep McCain (and especially Palin) out.  That's not how I like to spend my votes, but I will if that's what it takes to keep me safe.

I wasn't a "feminst" until certain men made me one. And I resent being pushed into this camp. Although I suspect that some people really do look at the options and choose feminism as the best one, I suspect that the vast majority of feminists (of any gender) find themselves in similar positions - becoming a feminist because there are still so many misogynists out there and they can't just sit down, shut up, and take it anymore. I suspect that a large number of feminists, including me, are not born, but made - made by the very people who don't want us to be feminists in the first place.

Congratulations feminist-haters, much like the fundies are scaring away believers in droves because they're so loony, you certain guys are driving away people who really want to be on your side, but can't because you're so fucking awful.

---

And if anyone feels the need to chime in with how I got it all wrong and I should be back on Team Poor Menz or how feminazis are really the problem & making teh poor menz lives miserable ... you're exactly who I'm talking about so don't fucking try to derail my rant with "oh woe is me, us menz are SO hated!" If you happen to be part of some marginalized group and you want to say "I know how you feel because [my group] goes through similar situations", that's OK. Just don't tell me that I'm overreacting or I shouldn't be complaining because some other group has problems too, or some other group has worse problems. Just. Don't. Fucking. Do. It.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIX1wXVq0tw

Comments

[the-failed-poet.livejournal.com]

Huh, interesting. 'Cause I remember when I called into a Polyamory Weekly you were hosting (This was maybe a year and half ago or so) with an impassioned defense of feminism and both you and Minx were kind of "meh" on the topic. Which was a legit response for you, but totally threw me for a loop; granted I was just out of high school and had just discovered feminism for the first time and felt really excited about all the concepts, so I was surprised when ANYONE didn't look at the concepts and go "Well, yeah".

But I also went through life pretty sheltered from misogyny and fear of harm, so I see exactly where you're coming from in suddenly seeing it everywhere and not liking that. It's not fun.

[joreth]

yeah, at that point I wasn't "meh" on the subject so much as I was on the idea of using it as a label. I'm still of the opinion that it doesn't matter to me if someone functionally *is* a label but doesn't choose the label as part of their identity, and that's the point I wanted to make in the commentary on PW. We all have limited emotional & mental energy that we can put into causes and identities and we all make different, legitimate, choices about which of those causes & identities is most important to us personally.

As a poly & atheist activist, it was important for me to remember that not everyone who *is* certain things feels that those things are part of their identity and I need to not insist that everyone take up the same standards that I have. I'm less concerned about people using polyamory as an identity label than I am about people being factually and semantically correct when speaking about the subject. Refusing to admit that what a person does is poly or atheism when they are, in fact, poly or atheist, is what gets me, not people who don't call themselves polyamorists or atheists or who don't put up logos & user icons on profiles and blog posts :-)

I think that part of the reason why I didn't embrace the label of feminism is because, although I was misinformed on what exactly feminism was, for the most part, when I heard the concepts, I went "well, yeah" so it didn't seem important to me to take on a new label. Those concepts were just so common sense to me that it seemed to me that it was already part of life and not something that needed to be still fought for, except in other parts of the world that weren't where I lived.

I'd still be all "yay women's rights!" whenever someone told me of atrocities in other countries, but if it weren't for the atheist communities, I would probably still be thinking that the women's movement had mostly won & we just had a few loose ends to tie up.

[the-failed-poet.livejournal.com]

Ah, that makes sense. And by "that" I mean each separate thing in the above several paragraphs.

[(Anonymous)]

This is actually why I have little to no interest in being a larger part of the atheist/skeptic/etc. community. A vocal chunk of it seems ready to turn on its female members at the drop of a hat, and I'm a lot happier having the option to read or not read about the shitstorms rather than being right in the middle of one.

[joreth]

I find that tragic, even while I'm agreeing with your motivations. The think the atheist & skeptic community needs the support of people like us who find this kind of behaviour unacceptable and that as long as people like us continue to "vote with our feet", things will never change.

I'm not disagreeing with you at all. I'm saying it's a damn shame that people have reached this conclusion.

[(Anonymous)]

I realize it's not the best of possible choices, and I will admit it is at least partially motivated by cowardice. I suppose the largest factor is that I simply don't have the time and energy to deal with it in addition to pursuing my personal goals. If I felt I had the potential for effecting change or other significant contributions to make to the atheist community, it might be different... but I'm really just an ordinary person who is also an atheist.

[(Anonymous)]

You've posted in the past about issues people have with pattern recognition as the default of human intelligence, and how it can lead to problems with selection bias & such in their thinking, often when talking about practitioners of "woo" and their way to always see things that fit your beliefs.

While it's unquestionable that sexism is rampant, how do you determine if the things and attitudes and responses you're encountering are really sexist or if you're only perceiving them that way because of the worldview you're coming from?

That is to say, now that you've been put in this position how do you judge without bias?

[joreth]

I'd say that "shut up you fucking cunt, I hope you get raped" as a response to "when I say don't hit on me, and you immediately hit on me, that makes me uncomfortable, please don't do that." is pretty easy to identify as sexist without bias.