How Do Polyamorous People Handle Breakups?

Q.  How do polyamorous people handle break ups? Do they have an easier time moving on since they tend to have multiple partners?

A.  We handle our breakups the same way we handle literally everything in our lives - in the same way monogamists do. Which means that there is a diversity to how we do things because we are a diverse group, just like monogamists are.

Some of us have better communication skills than others and some of us suck at them. Some of us get into (and subsequently out of) relationships with people who similarly have good communication skills and some of us get into relationships with people who suck at them. Sometimes, regardless of how good anyone’s skills are, the relationship itself has a particular dynamic that either brings out the best in us both or the worst in us both, and that affects how well we handle the breakup.

When I was 18, I had a small, close-knit circle of friends and a handful of other friends who weren’t part of that circle. I also had a high school sweetheart whom I loved very much. And I had a “best friend” who was part of that small, close-knit circle of friends. She and I were closer than either of us were to anyone else in the group.

On our high school graduation day, I threw a co-ed sleepover party. Of course, she was invited. Of our close-knit circle, she and I were the only seniors so the others weren’t graduating with us, although they were also invited.

On our graduation day, she seemed distracted and distant. Well, it was a busy day and we all had a lot going on. During the day, after the ceremony, the party was mostly my family. It was only after dinner when friends were supposed to show up and it would turn more into a teen party.

So when she didn’t show up during the day, I felt her absence and I was sad, but I get it. She had graduation things to do too.

But as the night wore on and she still didn’t show up, I started to get hurt. I started paging her (because nobody had cellphones back then) to find out where she was and when she would be there.

She finally showed up late, with her boyfriend and several of his friends. None of them had been invited (because my mom was already freaked out at the idea of a coed slumber party, there was no way she was letting boys she hadn’t met yet stay the night). She came into the house but didn’t speak to me, she only spoke to other people.

Finally, I had been hurt enough and I ran out of the room and into my parents’ bedroom to cry. While my mother was in there consoling me and I wondered why my best friend was being so distant, my sister poked her head in to tell me that my friend was leaving, without saying goodbye.

I ran outside to find her already in the backseat of the 2-door car. I asked her if she would at least give me a hug goodbye, and she shouted from the backseat “I’m already in the car and it’s hard to get out.”

That was the last time we spoke.

My best friend dumped me on our high school graduation day and then ghosted me. My high school sweetheart, whom I loved very much, was there with me. My loving parents were there and my mother consoled me. I was surrounded by friends.

But I still hurt. And it took me a very long time to get over this breakup.

Having other people around does not make breakups hurt less, it just gives you a softer place to land when you fall and people around to help nurture you while you are feeling your pain. It doesn’t matter if it’s polyamory or monogamy or even not romantic at all. Breakups hurt, and they hurt in varying degrees depending on the circumstances of the breakup, and no amount of other people make them better because people are not interchangeable and you still have lost someone who meant something to you.

I have lost other friends when we simply mutually faded away. Those endings didn’t hurt as much. I have lost some friends after big arguments. Those hurt. I have been surprised to lose friends because I thought our friendship was a good one but they didn’t, so they “broke up” with me when I didn’t realize there was something to break up over. Those hurt. I have had friends have mature, reasonable conversations with me over what kind of friendship we had and whether it was bringing joy and value into each other’s lives, and when it wasn’t, we weren’t friends anymore. Those hurt too, but not as much and not for as long.

Everyone goes through “breakups” with people, and everyone has some category of relationship in their life that multiple people hold. Some people have multiple siblings. Lots of people have multiple friends. Losing one of them doesn’t hurt less just because you have others of them. Having a support structure might help with the healing process, but it’s the specific nature of the relationship and the way the breakup was handled that really affects how much the breakup hurts.

Very little that poly people do is specific to polyamory. It’s usually not a poly problem, it’s a people problem.

www.quora.com/How-do-polyamorous-people-handle-break-ups-Do-they-have-an-easier-time-moving-on-since-they-tend-to-have-multiple-partners/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper

Gotcha Feminist Abortionists!

So, I was actually challenged by someone on my stance on abortion.  They seemed to try and catch me in a "gotcha".  My position is that I do not want to be pregnant, and as its my body, I am the only one who gets to have a say in whether or not I am pregnant.  The opposing position was the usual tripe about how men "deserve" the right to be fathers and it's not fair that women can unilaterally decide on behalf of men that they will become fathers or not be allowed to be fathers, just because women are the ones who carry the fetuses.

The question was what I would do if I could transfer the pregnancy to the father, in some hypothetical magical medical machine that would transfer the fetus with absolutely no side effects or permanent changes or damage to my own body.  The unstated implication in the question was that he expected me to still choose the abortion, for ... some reason.

Instead, I said "I don't fucking care how the fetus gets out of my body, as long as it gets out of my body without damaging it and I don't have any financial ties to it."  If the fathers really want to take on sole responsibility the way women have been forced to forever, that's their choice, but I suspect very few will really understand what it is they're taking on as single, solely responsible parents.

He didn't actually know how to take that response.  Apparently it didn't occur to him that anyone would actually accept that as a viable option.  Except I'm not pro-abortion because I'm pro-killing-fetuses.  I'm pro-abortion because I legitimately do not want to be pregnant nor can I afford to raise a child.  Whatever method results in that solution, I'm willing to entertain.

As an adopted child, and as someone who was once so poor that I signed up to be an egg donor, I have absolutely no qualms about someone else raising "my" child.  I believe children should be raised by parents who want them, and I don't want them.

But I'm quite sure most men don't really want them either.  At least not the way they *think* they want them.  And being forced to carry a fetus will reveal that.  Could you imagine the outcry if this magical machine was available to anyone carrying a fetus and the default option was to implant it in the other genetic-contributing parent with OR WITHOUT their agreement? 

Like, we as a society don't like abortion, so this magic machine is created as a solution to abortion, which means that if the pregnant person wants it out, the fetus has to go SOMEWHERE, and the other genetic donor was obligated to take over the responsibility in the way that the current fetus-carrier is currently obligated by increasingly aggressive lack of abortion options?  Passing it onto someone who is not genetically related would require both a consent form and a medical exam to make sure they could biologically carry it to term (like current surrogates), but if one parent doesn't want the fetus, the other has to take it, since getting rid of it wouldn't be allowed.

I'm not actually proposing that we have a solution that merely passes on the violation of bodily autonomy.  I'm just saying that if the gender that has never really known what it means to live a life under the threat of no autonomy was suddenly faced with it, the arguments would change right quick.