That's Not A Lie, That's Love

This was inspired by a FB post that said "If she says she doesn't believe or celebrate Valentine's Day ... don't believe her."

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I'm so sick of the belief that women do, or should, say one thing when they mean another, and the accomodation of those individual women who do actually do this.

First of all, we are not all the same person, so we do not all think the same things. I most certainly do not say one thing and think another, like saying "I don't celebrate v-day" but mean "if you don't buy me something, you're in trouble".

Second, if she says "I don't believe in or celebrate v-day", tell her that you will take her exactly at her word because you trust her to tell you the truth, and that if she ever changes her mind, to let you know because you'll be happy to celebrate with her if it is meaningful to her, since her happiness is integral to your own. And then let her either stick to her story or change her mind. If she sticks to her story but doesn't mean it, then it's her own damn fault for lying when you give her a warning & an out like that.

Third - a "white lie" is never harmless. All lies block paths to intimacy. You can be tactful without lying, even by omission.

To have a truly secure relationship based in love and trust, such a relationship can withstand some harsh truths, especially if said with kindness and compassion. If the issue really was "not a big deal", as the phrase "white lie" implies, then the lie is worthless and only undermines your credibility for no good reason. If the lie is covering up something big, then it is even more important that the truth be spoken.

Our partners are not mind readers, and they should not be punished for failing to do that which is impossible. If we tell them something, they should have every reason to believe we are telling them the truth. What kind of relationship is it, when the automatic, default assumption is that one person is always lying?

I have a revolutionary idea: how about we tell our loved ones what we *really* want out of our relationships - so they can better offer us the kind of relationship we want? We can't reasonably expect to get what we don't ask for.

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1) First of all, I wouldn't ask if I looked fat in this dress. I'd ask if I looked OK in something, or if someone whose opinion matters to me thinks I look attractive in something. And I absolutely want to know if I don't look right. When I care enough about how I look in a particular outfit, I most definitely do not want to go out in public looking bad.

2) Don't eat my food if it sucks! How else am I supposed to know that I screwed up so I can fix it? I will never improve myself if I'm not told where improvements could be made.

3) I wouldn't mention your weight gain only because it doesn't matter to me. However, if I am aware that *you* are concerned about weight gain, I might discuss your weight with you because it's something that *you* indicated is important.

4) Again, I wouldn't mention hair loss because it doesn't matter to me. Yes, really. However, I *will* express my preference for hair styles/clothing/etc. if you care what I think about your appearance for the same reason that I want to know about my own appearance.

I knew someone who was hypermasculine & it was important to his sense of self-worth to be viewed as masculine, without a thread of possible femininity anywhere. He kept his hair long, which is not automatically a feminizing thing, but for some reason he preferred to keep it just slightly shorter than shoulder-length, where it curled up at the bottoms - like a paige-boy cut. That's a hairstyle I associate with women - to be "masculine", IMO, it should be either longer or shorter. Since he cares so much about not having any feminine traits, that was something I expressed to him. But I did so by saying "I like it when you grow your hair out longer" and "since you said you don't want to look feminine, I would suggest not cutting your hair to that length. The chin-length with the curls at the bottom is something I associate with women, but really short or longer-than-shoulder-length is something I associate with men." You don't have to be mean about these things when you're honest.

I'm actually a pretty big fan of Brad Paisely. He has some pretty progressive songs, for a country artist - and a huge chart-topping artist at that. He has pro-technology & pro-science songs, he has songs poking fun at strict gender roles, and I just like his sound. But he has a couple of songs that just make me shake my head and say "Oh Brad, Brad, Brad, you were doing so well! Why did you have to backtrack?" This is one of them.

Hey Brad, I fixed your song title for you! "That's Not A Lie, That's An Insecurity So Deep That You're Willing To Jeopardize Your Credibility & Intimacy To Protect It". It doesn't have quite the same ring to it though.

She's Her Own Woman

And now, to partially redeem himself after that last song, Braid Paisely singing a nice bluesey ballad about independent women:

She's Her Own Woman by Brad Paisley - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NeawYqxX2c

OK, there's the usual monogamous possessiveness implied in the phrase "she's mine", it's still pop-country, don't expect miracles - the point is that he values strength and independence in women, and doesn't equate "independence" with "lack of love" or "building walls". If more men did not believe independence & an ability to survive without him was the same thing as not loving him, I probably would not be as antagonistic or belligerent about my need for independence now. How I present myself at the beginning is not necessarily how I actually am in a relationship, but I feel as though I have to beleaguer the point in order to be understood & not set up implicit expectations of my behaviour later down the line.

For some reason, when I say "I'm independent", what the men who have tried to date me in the past hear is "I'm afraid of intimacy because I'm afraid to be left alone, so I put up this tough front, but once you convince me of your stability & trustworthiness, I'll let down my guard & you'll see how much I really do need you and need to be around you constantly even though that interferes with everything I have already stated was a priority in my life, such as work, school, hobbies, and other lovers." So I say "I won't ever call you and I'll disappear without notice for days at a time, and you'll always come last after my work, school, or hobbies" in an effort to make them hear "I love you, but I can live without you, and I need some time to myself occasionally."

Anyway, I don't think he presents his viewpoint well, and that he's a victim of his own culture with regards to language and some implicit assumptions (and the unfortunate habit of over-generalizing), but I also think his point is understandable if you know how to strip all that noise away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kugjR-o3WaE

Egyptian Mau

I've always called my cat, Misty, a grey tabby, because she's mostly grey with faint grey stripes & spots, and because I didn't know what else to call her. She wasn't one of the obvious, well-known breeds, like a Siamese or Persian. She just looked a little like a monochrome Garfield.  In fact, her full name is Small Tiger In The Mist because of the grey on grey coloring.

But as I flipped through an issue of Cat Fancy while waiting in the vet office the other day, as Misty was getting her vitamin B shots*, I came across an article about the Egyptian Mau. The description fits Misty exactly - every single trait. Sure, some of the traits, especially the personality traits, could fit other breeds, and especially individual cats regardless of breed trend, and personality traits are tricky things - much like horoscopes, people tend to think that description fits them no matter what it says. But every single trait including those distinctive of the breed matches Misty. I wouldn't doubt that she's a mix, but I'm about as sure as I can get without DNA results that she is, indeed, at least partly an Egyptian Mau.

Egyptian Mau (http://www.catfacts.org/egyptian-mau-cat-facts.htm)

Misty

For instance, "Maus often possess very musical voices. They are known to chirp, chortle and emit other distinctly unusual vocalizations when stimulated". Misty has a wide range of vocalizations, but her trademark sound is a chirruping chitter sound. In fact, years ago, she got nicknamed "chitter" because of the sound she made. When she was a kitten, I called her "squeak" because she didn't meow so much as squeak at me. Of course, when she's stressed, she doesn't sound nearly as adorable. No, she has an ear-piercing, rich, tonal meow that can drive me to want to jam something sharp into my ears just so I won't have to hear it anymore.

"Another behavior, quite common in happy Maus, has been described as 'wiggle-tail.'" This has been sometimes described as "dog-like" in the wiggle since happy tail-wiggles are not a typical cat behaviour, which Misty also does.

"their legs are slightly shorter in the front than in the back".  Misty's legs are noticeably different lengths.

""The Egyptian Mau is the fastest of the domestic cats, with its longer hind legs, and unique flap of skin extending from the flank to the back knee, provides for greater agility and length of stride. Maus have been clocked running over 36 mph". "The longer hind legs are another reason for the breed's startling speed. The Mau also has a loose flap of skin on the lower abdomen, similar to the cheetah, which allows a longer stride while running". They are sometimes called the greyhound of cats, for their speed & agility and have been known to jump as high as 6 feet. Misty also has that extra flap and has always been a jumper. I measured her at about 5 feet straight up, and that wasn't her highest ever. Her big hind feet earned her the nickname "Bunny Feet" by a former boyfriend.  The unusually large feet tend to make them look like they're on tiptoe when they stand up, especially when combined with their shortened forelegs, and, of course, Misty does look like she's on tiptoe.

Maus are known to bond strongly with their owners. "Such owners typically report their Maus eagerly greet them at the door at the end of a long day at work". I have always described Misty as my shadow, since she has to be at least in the same room I am in all the time. She often prefers to walk either between my feet or just behind me, and hates to leave the room unless I accompany her.  Since getting sick, she's even more clingy, and being within sight isn't enough - she has to be within touching range, preferably on my lap, hanging over my forearms so that I can't type.  "The typical Mau is not social with strangers of any species, other cats in particular." I have also joked that Misty is Monogamous Kitty. In addition to being clingy, she jealously guards my time, inserting herself between me & whatever friend or lover is spending time with me, choosing the spot on the bed closest to my head & warning off my other cat, Onyx, from encroaching.

Maus also, apparently, have very sensitive immune systems.  They prefer warm temperatures, are sensitive to medicines & anesthesia, and are prone to asthma.  Misty has had asthma her entire life, but it was worse when she was overweight.

"Eye color is a light green described as gooseberry green ... The forehead is marked with the characteristic tabby M and frown marks, forming lines between the ears that continue down the back of the neck, ideally breaking into elongated spots along the spine. The tail is heavily banded and has a dark tip." Yep, yep, and yep. Misty's eyes are a distinctive shade of green, so much so that when looking up options for memorials of pets, I found one of those places that uses the carbon from pet's ashes or fur to make diamonds, & decided that if I ever have enough money to get one, I'm getting the green diamond to match her eyes. They are often described as having a "worried expression" or "expressive eyes" because of their roundness. She has the forehead M and a heavily banded tail.

"Its lustrous, dense coat can be silver, bronze, or smoke, and is distinguished by a marvelous mixture of striping and spotting," which Misty does, indeed, have. But the clincher is this: "They are the only naturally spotted breed of domesticated cat. The spots on an Egyptian Mau are not only on the coat; a shaved Mau has spots on its skin." ("natural" means that they acquired their spots on their own, with no human intervention to breed the trait into them - they came to us spotted). Misty has spots on her skin exactly where her spots on her fur are. I knew this about her, but she was recently shaved for a procedure and it was quite obvious that her spots are on her skin.

Misty exhibits all the classic personality traits of being loyal, closely bonded, and jealous, and all the physical traits including rounded "gooseberry green eyes", a "worried expression" because of the eye shape, wide-spaced, delicate ears, a rounded face with no harsh planes, an evenly-wide nose, asthma, forehead M stripe, mascara stripe, cheek stripes, banded tail, extra stomach flap, unusually large hind feet, shorter forelegs, excellent jumper, happy tail-wag, a combination of stripes & spots, and spotted skin - the latter of which is a distinctly Egyptian Mau trait.  Her markings are not as distinct as purebred Maus, and she has a white bib & socks, so she is most likely a mix, and I'm pretty sure there's some orange tabby in her history somewhere.  But it's nice to know the breed, and especially pleasing to hear the specifics of her breed.

For a bit of history about the breed: "Ranked as one of the oldest domesticated breeds, the Egyptian Mau is thought to be related to a spotted subspecies of the African Wild Cat. Held in high esteem, this breed was worshipped as deities, protected by laws, and mummified upon death in ancient Egypt. The matriarch of this breed was silver spotted female named Baba. According to historical records, a female Egyptian Mau kitten was scheduled to accompany exiled Russian princess Nathalie Troubetskoy from Rome to the United States. However, they missed getting on a huge luxury ship, the ill-fated Andrea Dorian that sank after being rammed a Swedish liner. In 1956, the princess successfully arrived in the United States and brought the first Mau to this country. Today, the Egyptian Van is ranked 20th in popularity among the breeds listed by the Cat Fanciers Association, which granted it championship status in 1977." (http://www.catster.com/cat-breeds/Egyptian_Mau).  

If the Egyptian Mau really does come from the cats depicted in ancient Egyptian artwork that they resemble, the Mau is probably the oldest domestic cat, the first breed to choose to align its fate to humans.  The species is endangered, with less than 7,000 Maus officially registered.  A combination of outcrossing & inbreeding saved the species from complete extinction, due to war in Europe, in 1953 when Nathalie Troubetskoy brought 3 Egyptian Maus to the US (Baba, her son Jojo, & an unrelated female named Liza), founded the Fatima Egyptian Mau cattery, bred them, and then enhanced the bloodline with Maus imported from Egypt to strengthen the breed.  Without the Russian princess' efforts, this breed might now be extinct, or so diluted as to be unrecognizable as a distinct breed.  It is estimated that most of the Egyptian Maus today can trace their bloodline back to Baba.

Misty's loyalty, charm, and bonding, that are so characteristic of her possible breed, have given me an incredibly valuable relationship for the last almost-11 years.  Her distinctive physical traits have always stimulated the photographer/artist in me and inspired me to pursue animal photography, which has resulted in a stock photo business involving mostly animals.  She is my joy and delight.

*For those who are who don't follow me on Twitter, or are otherwise unaware, Misty sick, but all tests keep coming up inconclusive.  The most likely culprit is cancer, in which case, I can't afford chemo so the next option is to give her vitamin B shots & steroid pills to slow the deterioration by a few months, or the second possible cause is inflammatory bowl disease, in which case the vitamin B shots & steroid pills are actually the cure. The vet gives her 3-4 months with the vitamin B & steroids if it's cancer (which she believes it is), so we're taking this one day at a time. I'm monitoring her weight, waste, and activity level, and hoping that the end will come suddenly once the pills run out their effectiveness, and preferably not during the weekend I'll be in CA (which is right smack in the expected time limit range). If I can avoid watching her waste away to nothing, and I can be there when she goes, I'll be profoundly grateful.