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This was inspired by a FB post that said "If she says she doesn't believe or celebrate Valentine's Day ... don't believe her."
I'm so sick of the belief that women do, or should, say one thing when they mean another, and the accomodation of those individual women who do actually do this.
First of all, we are not all the same person, so we do not all think the same things. I most certainly do not say one thing and think another, like saying "I don't celebrate v-day" but mean "if you don't buy me something, you're in trouble".
Second, if she says "I don't believe in or celebrate v-day", tell her that you will take her exactly at her word because you trust her to tell you the truth, and that if she ever changes her mind, to let you know because you'll be happy to celebrate with her if it is meaningful to her, since her happiness is integral to your own. And then let her either stick to her story or change her mind. If she sticks to her story but doesn't mean it, then it's her own damn fault for lying when you give her a warning & an out like that.
Third - a "white lie" is never harmless. All lies block paths to intimacy. You can be tactful without lying, even by omission.
To have a truly secure relationship based in love and trust, such a relationship can withstand some harsh truths, especially if said with kindness and compassion. If the issue really was "not a big deal", as the phrase "white lie" implies, then the lie is worthless and only undermines your credibility for no good reason. If the lie is covering up something big, then it is even more important that the truth be spoken.
Our partners are not mind readers, and they should not be punished for failing to do that which is impossible. If we tell them something, they should have every reason to believe we are telling them the truth. What kind of relationship is it, when the automatic, default assumption is that one person is always lying?
I have a revolutionary idea: how about we tell our loved ones what we *really* want out of our relationships - so they can better offer us the kind of relationship we want? We can't reasonably expect to get what we don't ask for.
1) First of all, I wouldn't ask if I looked fat in this dress. I'd ask if I looked OK in something, or if someone whose opinion matters to me thinks I look attractive in something. And I absolutely want to know if I don't look right. When I care enough about how I look in a particular outfit, I most definitely do not want to go out in public looking bad.
2) Don't eat my food if it sucks! How else am I supposed to know that I screwed up so I can fix it? I will never improve myself if I'm not told where improvements could be made.
3) I wouldn't mention your weight gain only because it doesn't matter to me. However, if I am aware that *you* are concerned about weight gain, I might discuss your weight with you because it's something that *you* indicated is important.
4) Again, I wouldn't mention hair loss because it doesn't matter to me. Yes, really. However, I *will* express my preference for hair styles/clothing/etc. if you care what I think about your appearance for the same reason that I want to know about my own appearance.
I knew someone who was hypermasculine & it was important to his sense of self-worth to be viewed as masculine, without a thread of possible femininity anywhere. He kept his hair long, which is not automatically a feminizing thing, but for some reason he preferred to keep it just slightly shorter than shoulder-length, where it curled up at the bottoms - like a paige-boy cut. That's a hairstyle I associate with women - to be "masculine", IMO, it should be either longer or shorter. Since he cares so much about not having any feminine traits, that was something I expressed to him. But I did so by saying "I like it when you grow your hair out longer" and "since you said you don't want to look feminine, I would suggest not cutting your hair to that length. The chin-length with the curls at the bottom is something I associate with women, but really short or longer-than-shoulder-length is something I associate with men." You don't have to be mean about these things when you're honest.
I'm actually a pretty big fan of Brad Paisely. He has some pretty progressive songs, for a country artist - and a huge chart-topping artist at that. He has pro-technology & pro-science songs, he has songs poking fun at strict gender roles, and I just like his sound. But he has a couple of songs that just make me shake my head and say "Oh Brad, Brad, Brad, you were doing so well! Why did you have to backtrack?" This is one of them.
Hey Brad, I fixed your song title for you! "That's Not A Lie, That's An Insecurity So Deep That You're Willing To Jeopardize Your Credibility & Intimacy To Protect It". It doesn't have quite the same ring to it though.
I'm so sick of the belief that women do, or should, say one thing when they mean another, and the accomodation of those individual women who do actually do this.
First of all, we are not all the same person, so we do not all think the same things. I most certainly do not say one thing and think another, like saying "I don't celebrate v-day" but mean "if you don't buy me something, you're in trouble".
Second, if she says "I don't believe in or celebrate v-day", tell her that you will take her exactly at her word because you trust her to tell you the truth, and that if she ever changes her mind, to let you know because you'll be happy to celebrate with her if it is meaningful to her, since her happiness is integral to your own. And then let her either stick to her story or change her mind. If she sticks to her story but doesn't mean it, then it's her own damn fault for lying when you give her a warning & an out like that.
Third - a "white lie" is never harmless. All lies block paths to intimacy. You can be tactful without lying, even by omission.
To have a truly secure relationship based in love and trust, such a relationship can withstand some harsh truths, especially if said with kindness and compassion. If the issue really was "not a big deal", as the phrase "white lie" implies, then the lie is worthless and only undermines your credibility for no good reason. If the lie is covering up something big, then it is even more important that the truth be spoken.
Our partners are not mind readers, and they should not be punished for failing to do that which is impossible. If we tell them something, they should have every reason to believe we are telling them the truth. What kind of relationship is it, when the automatic, default assumption is that one person is always lying?
I have a revolutionary idea: how about we tell our loved ones what we *really* want out of our relationships - so they can better offer us the kind of relationship we want? We can't reasonably expect to get what we don't ask for.
1) First of all, I wouldn't ask if I looked fat in this dress. I'd ask if I looked OK in something, or if someone whose opinion matters to me thinks I look attractive in something. And I absolutely want to know if I don't look right. When I care enough about how I look in a particular outfit, I most definitely do not want to go out in public looking bad.
2) Don't eat my food if it sucks! How else am I supposed to know that I screwed up so I can fix it? I will never improve myself if I'm not told where improvements could be made.
3) I wouldn't mention your weight gain only because it doesn't matter to me. However, if I am aware that *you* are concerned about weight gain, I might discuss your weight with you because it's something that *you* indicated is important.
4) Again, I wouldn't mention hair loss because it doesn't matter to me. Yes, really. However, I *will* express my preference for hair styles/clothing/etc. if you care what I think about your appearance for the same reason that I want to know about my own appearance.
I knew someone who was hypermasculine & it was important to his sense of self-worth to be viewed as masculine, without a thread of possible femininity anywhere. He kept his hair long, which is not automatically a feminizing thing, but for some reason he preferred to keep it just slightly shorter than shoulder-length, where it curled up at the bottoms - like a paige-boy cut. That's a hairstyle I associate with women - to be "masculine", IMO, it should be either longer or shorter. Since he cares so much about not having any feminine traits, that was something I expressed to him. But I did so by saying "I like it when you grow your hair out longer" and "since you said you don't want to look feminine, I would suggest not cutting your hair to that length. The chin-length with the curls at the bottom is something I associate with women, but really short or longer-than-shoulder-length is something I associate with men." You don't have to be mean about these things when you're honest.
I'm actually a pretty big fan of Brad Paisely. He has some pretty progressive songs, for a country artist - and a huge chart-topping artist at that. He has pro-technology & pro-science songs, he has songs poking fun at strict gender roles, and I just like his sound. But he has a couple of songs that just make me shake my head and say "Oh Brad, Brad, Brad, you were doing so well! Why did you have to backtrack?" This is one of them.
Hey Brad, I fixed your song title for you! "That's Not A Lie, That's An Insecurity So Deep That You're Willing To Jeopardize Your Credibility & Intimacy To Protect It". It doesn't have quite the same ring to it though.
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Date: 2/22/11 08:49 pm (UTC)From: