How To Get A Girl To Talk To You

[joreth]

Something that the online losers that I keep posting about haven't seemed to figure out is that a unique compliment that shows creativity and that says you've been paying attention to who the recipient is will go much farther towards flattering the recipient than a generic over-used pickup line.

While it is nice to hear someone *I care about* call me beautiful or sexy or pretty eyes, the compliments that have much more meaning to me are those that tell me that you've been paying attention to who I am and you are complimenting me on something that is uniquely *me*. Now, for some girls, that will be a compliment on their appearance, but a specific compliment like "your hair looks as soft as golden silk" or "your eyes are the blue of a winter lake that sparkles with ice crystals" says you at least know what her hair and eye color are. When you say something generic like "hey sexy", you could be talking to anyone. And because it's so over-used, especially as a pickup line here online, it implies that you're trying to butter someone up to get her to be willing to "hookup" with you and there's nothing to imply you actually mean it.  It doesn't sound sincere.

I hear all the time how guys never get responses to their profiles or emails in online dating sites, but girls get flooded with contacts. I'm betting that if ya'll changed your approach, you will find better luck, whether you're interested in the cheap hookups or the long-term relationships. You need to do something to stand out from all the generic assholes we get flooded with in any online dating site. Try READING her profile and then picking something out that she says specifically and commenting on it. It should be assumed that courteous and complimentary comments will have the desired effect of getting her to want to talk to you, but based on some of the responses I get, this is clearly not a common assumption. Starting out your correspondence with advice on how she should do something different is probably not the best approach either. She's likely to get offended. If you didn't like her profile, why bother responding at all?

So, regardless of what your goal is for the contact, whether you want easy sex or a life-time spouse, or anything in between, do both of you a favor and READ THE PROFILE. You will save yourself the time and energy by weeding out those girls who aren't likely to meet your goal no matter what pickup line you use, and you will find the material you need to tailor a unique compliment that will help you further that goal - by getting her to want to talk to you at all.

I keep a list of my favorite compliments on my website in the About Me section, but I just received another one that I will add to that list, and I liked it enough that I wanted to share it, and the other cool compliments I have gotten over the years.

• "You look like you're a tactical unit" - given while stopped on the side of the road after work one day changing my blown-out tire. Yes, he said I looked like a tactical unit ... a whole unit.  And he worked for the Sherrif's department.
• "You're like a little ninja!" - received while at work, all in black, running around, lifting things I don't look like I could lift like 20 foot pipe with drape still attached.
• "You are so treacherously delicious"
• "She is an alpha but doesn't play dominance games. She doesn't have to be the ONLY alpha in the room, but she makes it very clear that she's an alpha" - a friend of a friend's description of me after first meeting me, told to said mutual friend.
• "You remind me of a strange cross between an Ayn Rand hero and a Heinlein hero, with a rather large dose of cowgirl. Strange, but it works. Or something" - someone's description of me on an online dating site after a couple of traded emails.

You can see that NONE of these compliments that made the list of My Favorite Compliments have anything to do with being "pretty", "sexy", "hot", or "beautiful". They are my favorite because they say something about who I am that have to do with those parts of me that I value the most.

So read the profile and find out what she values about herself. If she is interested in the type of relationship you want from her, then compliment that which she values about herself in a specific, individual, and creative way. The majority of you will find better luck in your initial response time

Just a Public Service Announcement.  I now return you to your regularly scheduled LiveJournaling.

Comments

[james-the-evil1.livejournal.com]

How about "Hey BABY, hot tool belt!"

[joreth]

:-P ppbbbbbtttttt!!!!

[james-the-evil1.livejournal.com]

Promises, promises :-p

[tedeisenstein.livejournal.com]

I've read profiles. I've sent emails with questions about information deeeep within those profiles. My respond-back percentage still lurks around abysmal and non-existent. I recently looked at my mailbox on OKCupid: of the 30 or so emails I'd sent out over a three-month period, 4, yes, 4, had been read, and only one of those had garnered a reply. Yes, that's right: some of my emails had been sitting in the recipient's mailbox for as long as 3 months without even being read.

Don't tell me "read the bio; it helps, really!" It doesn't, really.

[joreth]

Well, I did qualify that by not saying "everyone" will benefit.

[james-the-evil1.livejournal.com]

It's true.
Women are generally totally unresponsive.

[joreth]

then all I can think of is that it must be that the women you are writing to are in the same class as the losers who write to me. Because pretty much every woman I know is more than willing to respond to an interesting email that shows some kind of interest in who they are as a person, rather than a sex object. There's bound to be a percentage of people who don't respond for any number of reasons, certainly not everyone I contact responds back to me. But I also did say chances would *improve* with this method. If you're already doing that, well, your results would either go down with the other method, or you would be getting the type of woman who is interested in the kind of guy who would respond like that ... quantity over quality.

[tedeisenstein.livejournal.com]

It may indeed be the women written to. But what confuses me. . . I can understand their reading my message and deciding "nope, not for me"; I can understand their reading my message (which they think is okay) then my bio and deciding "nope, not for me". What I can't understand is, not reading the message in the first place. Especially when nearly all the women I've sent messages to indicate they were there to meet people - from just penpals on up to future spouses, which should indicate a willingness to at least do a quick read of the bloody message I took time to send them.

Nope. Only a couple of messages read out of dozens.

So, how _do_ I find the (by your lights) "right" women, those who read messages and are willing to reply, even if it's with "Sorry, I'm not looking right now, but thanks for asking."

[joreth]

Well, I often sign up for these things, then life gets in the way and I don't log on for months at a time. Many people are just not very active online. I'd be more upset at the emails read but never replied to. Emails never read at all, I can at least assume they're too busy to check their mail and they haven't rejected me personally.

As for the "right" women, if I knew how to find the "right" person for anyone, I'd be rich. I responded to you. So you found at least one "right" woman in this respect.

[tacit.livejournal.com]

I can't speak for anyone else, but:

I get a lot of email on OK Cupid. When I receive an email on OKC from someone I do not know and have not emailed before, I do not read the email first. Instead, I click on the person's name and look that their profile first.

I suspect many people do this. If what people see on your profile doesn't look interesting, then they may not ever bother to read the email.

I spent this weekend with a person I met on OK Cupid; she flew down from Chicago to spend the weekend here in Atlanta. We talked for a while about how it was that we came to find each other on OKC. I've met several people on OKC who have turned into real-life friends, and what she said mirrored what they've said, and what I've observed myself: the way you write your profile makes all the difference in the world.

I don't know your OKC name and don't know what your profile looks like, but what my friend said this weekend really resonated with my own experience...the most effective profiles are the ones that give the reader a sense of who you are.

Profiles that don't work include:

- Laundry lists. "I am looking for a woman who is witty and entertaining. She must love Monty Python movies, chocolate chip cookies, and making Christmas ornaments out of carrots. She should be a good conversationalist, a strong Christian (Lutheran preferred), and own pets. Cats are perfect, but I'll accept dogs. Goldfish are out of the question. She should have a collection of old 78rpm records in her closet, love the color mauve, and enjoy trepanning." Yes, yes, but who are you? Why should she like you?

- Grand life plans. "I am looking for a wife. I want someone who is my life partner. i want a soulmate who understands the value of living in a committed family relationship. I'm tired of the dating scene and am looking to settle down. Are you the future Mrs?" A person who does not even know you, who sees you as nothing but a low-resolution JPEG and a few hundred bytes of text, isn't ready to pack up and move in with you. Even if she is your soulmate.

- Vague generalities that do not differentiate you from any other Tom, Dick, or Harry. "I like fun. I am a fun-loving person who likes to laugh and have fun. I like doing things I enjoy, fun, and spending time with people I like. I like having fun with my friends, and really enjoy people who are fun-loving and make me happy." With the arguable exception of Qusay Hussein, that could describe everybody.

- Lists of things you don't like. "I am looking for a person who is not too weird or out there. I do not want anyone who is kinky or who has safety pins in their cheeks. I am not interested in people who are political, religious, or who are too into their pets. No fat chicks."

A good profile is about you, not about what you like or don't like in a partner. It shows a sense of humor, gives the person reading it a general sense of who you are, talks a little bit about the things other than partners you like, and generally avoids coming across directly or indirectly as "Oh my God it's been eight years, four months, three days, seventeen hours, and twenty-six minutes since I've been laid, please pleeeeeease talk to me! No fat chicks."

[joreth]

Those are all really good points to make. I, personally, do read the email before checking out the profile, so I wouldn't have thought of that. But I do check the profile, and how their profile is written can indeed tell me a lot about a person. I'd have to agree with the "profiles that don't work" in that those types of profiles are not likely to get me excited about responding to someone. I know the first thing in my profile is a list of things I don't like ... but then I'm not complaining about not enough responses - I'm trying to cut down on the responses!

[(Anonymous)]

"Oh my God it's been eight years, four months, three days, seventeen hours, and twenty-six minutes since I've been laid, please pleeeeeease talk to me! No fat chicks."

LOL ::giggle::snort::guffaw::

Sorry Ted, but that might explain your problems.
Not the bit about fat chicks (I think you are more of a gentleman and not so much a hypocrite) but the attitude of nervous desperation.

People can tell if you're waiting for them to make your life happen. and very few of us want that responsibility.

[indywind]

"Oh my God it's been eight years, four months, three days, seventeen hours, and twenty-six minutes since I've been laid, please pleeeeeease talk to me! No fat chicks."

LOL ::giggle::snort::guffaw::

Sorry Ted, but that might explain your problems.
Not the bit about fat chicks (I think you are more of a gentleman and not so much a hypocrite) but the attitude of nervous desperation.

People can tell if you're waiting for them to make your life happen. and very few of us want that responsibility.

[leora.livejournal.com]

Indeed. And a good compliment is awesome. Here's the best compliment I ever received:

I don't think I've ever seen a comment anywhere from Leora that wasn't all but dripping with intelligence and insight.
Her brain is hot.

Now, that's the way to flatter a girl. And it wasn't even from someone who is likely to want to have sex with me. On a side note, your example compliments on hair and eyes should only be used if it's vaguely plausible. Trying one of those and then having the person go: You do know I have brown eyes right? Will really decrease the value of the compliment.

[joreth]

Ah yes, I should have said explicitly that the compliments should be sincere. I suppose I hoped the line about "at least it shows you know what her hair and eye color are" would imply that, but I really ought to learn not to underestimate other people's stupidity, particularly when you consider to whom this rant was directed.

I really didn't want to even include valid compliments about appearance at all, but I suppose there are some girls who actually do enjoy those kinds of compliments. I even enjoy them to some small degree when they are given to me by people who know me well (and I know them) and they are able to tell when it is appropriate to comment on my apperance without encuring my wrath, and I know that their compliment is sincere and that it is not a way to flatter/trick me into sex or "hooking up", because I know them. But really, a compliment like yours will go much, much, MUCH farther towards thawing me out than even a sincere flattering compliment about my looks.

That is an awesome compliment, btw! And I'd have to agree!

[funky-firelord.livejournal.com]

HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR, *wipes tear away*

Thanks for the laugh joreth I needed that.
Ive done all of that and more, what's more Ive even met some of the people I sent messages to that did not respond, at other events and even got to know a few of them quite well. I expect if your face fits or what you said matches there mood you might get a reply, otherwise don't expect anything back.

So far the only approch that gets a responce is sending girls *hugs* in messages on okcupid, ive had a 10 fold increace using that method.

Firelord

[joreth]

that's awesome that you found a method that works for you. I don't understand the "hugs" method. I've received one or two of those and my resonse was "uh, well, thanks, I guess. Now what?" I want more substance, as do the few women in my admitedly very select sample population, so I have to admit I'm baffled by that one and have no good commentary on it.