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I have a hard time getting a certain concept across to certain people. There are people who define sexuality by one's actions. And then there are those of us who define sexuality and orientation based on what goes on in the mind.
For example, some people consider me bisexual simply because I have had sexual encounters with other women. They don't take into account an "experimentation" phase, or situation specifics. No, if I've had sex with women at any time, and especially if I'm willing to consider it again in the future, by their definition, I'm bisexual.
But I consider myself straight. Why? Because, frankly, women don't do it for me. Women don't turn me on. Women don't get me off. So why did I have sex with them? Partially because I was curious. Partially because I don't have the disgust-gene for same-sex activity even if I also lack the turn-on gene for it. Partly because I also don't have any artificial taboos against it, such as an belief that it's "wrong", so I can appreciate a tactile sensation simply for what it is, regardless of the gender of the person providing the sensation ... and once you're in a sexually-charged situation and all the sex synapses are firing, some things just feel good within context (ask anyone who likes to be flogged). Partly because I was confusing an appreciation for aesthetics with a sexual interest in females (which I now know better). Partly because I have always expressed my emotional connection to people with sex, making me think that my feelings for a close female friend should also be expressed sexually (which I also now know better).
And partly because some very specific situations allow same-sex interaction to be appropriate with very specific individual women.
"Sexual fluidity, quite simply, means situation-dependent flexibility in women's sexual responsiveness. This flexibility makes it possible for some women to experience desires for either men or women under certain circumstances, regardless of their overall sexual orientation. In other words, though women--like men--appear to be born with distinct sexual orientations, these orientations do not provide the last word on their sexual attractions and experiences."
--from Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire by Lisa M. Diamond
*Emphasis mine*
I am straight. I have, on very rare occasion, had sexual activity with women. It has always been in the context of threesomes. The first time was with a friend when I was still confused and considered myself bi-curious, and her husband would not allow her to have a partner unless he was present. I was not impressed. From that encounter I learned about the latter two lessons above (confusing appreciation of beauty for sexual interest & believing that I needed to express emotional connection sexually) and began calling myself "straight".
The next two times were because another woman and I had a shared boyfriend and I had enough of an emotional connection and the dynamics of the relationship were just that right mix that made threesomes an appropriate and desired activity for all of us. I don't rule out sex with certain women in the future, but those are happy exceptions to the rule. Because I'm straight.
Sexuality is just not cut and dried, black and white, yes or no. Even a spectrum does not quite cover the complexity of the human sex drive. And the word that best suits my sexual orientation is heterosexual because that is what does it for the real sex organ - my brain. Just because I have a little sexual fluidity thrown in, it doesn't change my "overall sexual orientation". I am straight.
For example, some people consider me bisexual simply because I have had sexual encounters with other women. They don't take into account an "experimentation" phase, or situation specifics. No, if I've had sex with women at any time, and especially if I'm willing to consider it again in the future, by their definition, I'm bisexual.
But I consider myself straight. Why? Because, frankly, women don't do it for me. Women don't turn me on. Women don't get me off. So why did I have sex with them? Partially because I was curious. Partially because I don't have the disgust-gene for same-sex activity even if I also lack the turn-on gene for it. Partly because I also don't have any artificial taboos against it, such as an belief that it's "wrong", so I can appreciate a tactile sensation simply for what it is, regardless of the gender of the person providing the sensation ... and once you're in a sexually-charged situation and all the sex synapses are firing, some things just feel good within context (ask anyone who likes to be flogged). Partly because I was confusing an appreciation for aesthetics with a sexual interest in females (which I now know better). Partly because I have always expressed my emotional connection to people with sex, making me think that my feelings for a close female friend should also be expressed sexually (which I also now know better).
And partly because some very specific situations allow same-sex interaction to be appropriate with very specific individual women.
"Sexual fluidity, quite simply, means situation-dependent flexibility in women's sexual responsiveness. This flexibility makes it possible for some women to experience desires for either men or women under certain circumstances, regardless of their overall sexual orientation. In other words, though women--like men--appear to be born with distinct sexual orientations, these orientations do not provide the last word on their sexual attractions and experiences."
--from Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire by Lisa M. Diamond
*Emphasis mine*
I am straight. I have, on very rare occasion, had sexual activity with women. It has always been in the context of threesomes. The first time was with a friend when I was still confused and considered myself bi-curious, and her husband would not allow her to have a partner unless he was present. I was not impressed. From that encounter I learned about the latter two lessons above (confusing appreciation of beauty for sexual interest & believing that I needed to express emotional connection sexually) and began calling myself "straight".
The next two times were because another woman and I had a shared boyfriend and I had enough of an emotional connection and the dynamics of the relationship were just that right mix that made threesomes an appropriate and desired activity for all of us. I don't rule out sex with certain women in the future, but those are happy exceptions to the rule. Because I'm straight.
Sexuality is just not cut and dried, black and white, yes or no. Even a spectrum does not quite cover the complexity of the human sex drive. And the word that best suits my sexual orientation is heterosexual because that is what does it for the real sex organ - my brain. Just because I have a little sexual fluidity thrown in, it doesn't change my "overall sexual orientation". I am straight.
For me, it's not fluidity, just relaxation
Date: 6/19/08 06:32 am (UTC)From: (Anonymous)My primary has a Major Thing for seeing two guys getting it on. (Anyone who thinks this is remotely unusual can ask google about "slash fiction".) It gets her all kinds of hot and bothered. And I've learned to really enjoy things that I thought were unbearably icky in second grade, precisely because they get her delightfully hot and bothered.
So what the hell, relax and enjoy it.
Anyway, to these friends, I feel a sort of pitying amusement. If I am the biggest sexual outlaw that you know, you have led a very, very sheltered life.
Re: For me, it's not fluidity, just relaxation
Date: 6/19/08 04:15 pm (UTC)From: