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OK, this has come up several times recently by several people regarding several different exes, so I'm going to make a public announcement because this is one of my pet peeves.
I DO NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEMS ATTENDING SOCIAL FUNCTIONS WITH ANY OF MY EXES OR THEIR CURRENT PARTNERS.
I am friends with or friendly with almost all of my ex-partners, including that asshole who couldn't figure out how to quit the Freaks list a couple years ago. Anyone not actively in my life is only not there because we lost touch over the years, but I would be friendly or polite towards if I ran into them again.
At the very worst, I mean absolutely the most disliked ex-partner ever, I am still capable of remaining politely civil and treating such a person as merely a stranger I haven't met yet and have no interest in outside of polite social conversation within the context of that event.
I've never really understood the inability to get along with exes after a breakup (in fact, I have a whole journal entry planned on this topic, I just haven't gotten around to posting it yet). I do understand having emotional upset immediately after a change in status, but it has never affected my ability to be polite or enjoy a social function at which they just happen to be present. The fact that someone else is breathing the same air somewhere near me doesn't affect my enjoyment of the event in the least. And my goal with all my relationships is to become a friendly ex, so it's pretty rare that I'm just "polite". I want to be genuinely warm and affectionate towards my exes and I work on my issues as quickly as possible to reach that level of friendship. Two of my exes involved me sharing sleeping space that night after our breakup, so, really, I'm good with the exes! Metamours, ex-metamours, and the ex's new girlfriends fall under the same treatment.
It has always driven me nuts to see people breakup and then fight custody battles over the mutual friends, dragging them into the fight, forcing them to choose which one to invite to which gathering or to take sides in the breakup. I absolutely hate that and I think it's totally unfair to the mutual friends.
So it is particularly irritating to me when friends self-regulate their guest list out of imagined fear of awkwardness or drama or, worse, self-censor their discussion out of fear of even mentioning the other person that might cause some angst. Because *I* certainly didn't put them in that position, so it must mean that it's happen enough times with other people that my friends now do this automatically, as the default position and I have to suffer for it, because it hurts my feelings to find that one of us was not invited to a social gathering when the other was. I hate feeling left out and I actively enjoy spending time with many of my exes, particularly in social gatherings with all our mutual friends around.
So, for the record, if anyone happens to have any of my exes in their social circle, I am more than just comfortable with my exes being present, I actively enjoy social gatherings that happen to have my exes present because I am still FRIENDS with them. The few people in my past that I am not friends with do not have overlapping social circles which would cause them to be invited to the same gatherings as I am, but should that happen, I am perfectly capable of being polite, of avoiding drama or big scenes, and of minimizing any awkward tension others might feel with having both of us in the same room.
And while we're at it, I will not play this game either. I do not have the memory or the attention span to remember who is not talking to whom. I make my guest lists public and it is up to each of you to decide if your attendance is dependent upon the presence of any other guest. If you're unsure because you can't see the guest list for any reason, ask me. I do not consider that rude, I understand some people are *not* friendly exes. Also, unless specifically stated, all "partners" (for whatever definition of "partner" you use) are automatically invited to my events when you are.
And no, this post was not sparked by *you* (if any of you think it was), this was sparked by a pattern I've seen emerge and a recent rash of social engagements where various hosts made mention or question of some ex who might or might not be there affecting my desire to attend. Several people, several events, several exes.
*EDIT* - See? This really is a pattern. I totally forgot that I already posted about this very subject a few months ago: http://joreth.livejournal.com/62161.html. That one was a little more generic about me being friendly exes and this one is a little more of a Public Service Announcement that people don't have to be careful about inviting me and my exes or talking about them to me, but I was serious when I said this was not because of *you* - that this keeps coming up over and over again and it's pissing me off.
I DO NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEMS ATTENDING SOCIAL FUNCTIONS WITH ANY OF MY EXES OR THEIR CURRENT PARTNERS.
I am friends with or friendly with almost all of my ex-partners, including that asshole who couldn't figure out how to quit the Freaks list a couple years ago. Anyone not actively in my life is only not there because we lost touch over the years, but I would be friendly or polite towards if I ran into them again.
At the very worst, I mean absolutely the most disliked ex-partner ever, I am still capable of remaining politely civil and treating such a person as merely a stranger I haven't met yet and have no interest in outside of polite social conversation within the context of that event.
I've never really understood the inability to get along with exes after a breakup (in fact, I have a whole journal entry planned on this topic, I just haven't gotten around to posting it yet). I do understand having emotional upset immediately after a change in status, but it has never affected my ability to be polite or enjoy a social function at which they just happen to be present. The fact that someone else is breathing the same air somewhere near me doesn't affect my enjoyment of the event in the least. And my goal with all my relationships is to become a friendly ex, so it's pretty rare that I'm just "polite". I want to be genuinely warm and affectionate towards my exes and I work on my issues as quickly as possible to reach that level of friendship. Two of my exes involved me sharing sleeping space that night after our breakup, so, really, I'm good with the exes! Metamours, ex-metamours, and the ex's new girlfriends fall under the same treatment.
It has always driven me nuts to see people breakup and then fight custody battles over the mutual friends, dragging them into the fight, forcing them to choose which one to invite to which gathering or to take sides in the breakup. I absolutely hate that and I think it's totally unfair to the mutual friends.
So it is particularly irritating to me when friends self-regulate their guest list out of imagined fear of awkwardness or drama or, worse, self-censor their discussion out of fear of even mentioning the other person that might cause some angst. Because *I* certainly didn't put them in that position, so it must mean that it's happen enough times with other people that my friends now do this automatically, as the default position and I have to suffer for it, because it hurts my feelings to find that one of us was not invited to a social gathering when the other was. I hate feeling left out and I actively enjoy spending time with many of my exes, particularly in social gatherings with all our mutual friends around.
So, for the record, if anyone happens to have any of my exes in their social circle, I am more than just comfortable with my exes being present, I actively enjoy social gatherings that happen to have my exes present because I am still FRIENDS with them. The few people in my past that I am not friends with do not have overlapping social circles which would cause them to be invited to the same gatherings as I am, but should that happen, I am perfectly capable of being polite, of avoiding drama or big scenes, and of minimizing any awkward tension others might feel with having both of us in the same room.
And while we're at it, I will not play this game either. I do not have the memory or the attention span to remember who is not talking to whom. I make my guest lists public and it is up to each of you to decide if your attendance is dependent upon the presence of any other guest. If you're unsure because you can't see the guest list for any reason, ask me. I do not consider that rude, I understand some people are *not* friendly exes. Also, unless specifically stated, all "partners" (for whatever definition of "partner" you use) are automatically invited to my events when you are.
And no, this post was not sparked by *you* (if any of you think it was), this was sparked by a pattern I've seen emerge and a recent rash of social engagements where various hosts made mention or question of some ex who might or might not be there affecting my desire to attend. Several people, several events, several exes.
*EDIT* - See? This really is a pattern. I totally forgot that I already posted about this very subject a few months ago: http://joreth.livejournal.com/62161.html. That one was a little more generic about me being friendly exes and this one is a little more of a Public Service Announcement that people don't have to be careful about inviting me and my exes or talking about them to me, but I was serious when I said this was not because of *you* - that this keeps coming up over and over again and it's pissing me off.
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no subject
Date: 5/21/08 09:29 pm (UTC)From:I'm right there with you on this one. I *do* have an ex whom I prefer not to acknowledge. However, if we happen to be at the same social gathering, I'm certainly not going to make anyone uncomfortable by being deliberately rude or worse. That's a breach of hospitality that I just can't comprehend.
Also, if I have invited someone and their ex, and they find they are incapable of being civil, I have no problem taking the offensive party to task and politely asking them to get it under control or to leave. There is just no excuse.
I had this problem at my wedding of all places. Had relatives who didn't come because they feared the repercussions of the presence of an ex and a current wife in the same space. Did they seriously think that they couldn't be civil for the duration of a church service?! Whatever. If that's the case, I'm glad they didn't attend, though it saddens me somewhat.
I refuse to choose between friends, family, etc. just because they're having difficulty getting along. I invite the folks I want to see, and let them deal with their own shit. Honestly, I even kind-of balk at the idea of making the guest list public, because if one person's presence is enough to keep you away, then I must not be all that special to you. It's not like I host formal dinner parties where seating is assigned, and I have some sadistic intention of forcing warring factions to interact. Social space tends to be rather flexible space, and it's very rare for someone to be forced to be near someone they don't like.
All of this is essentially moot anyway, since I haven't hosted a party in... oh, maybe my wedding was the only one. Hmm... However, we are planning a "we wasted our vacation cleaning the house" party after we get around to doing that. You'll be invited, of course. ;)
no subject
Date: 5/21/08 10:51 pm (UTC)From:Also, I *have* known some people who really can't deal with their exes and it's just easier for them to decide to absent themselves ahead of time, rather than partway through the event. But I refuse to keep up with the drama by notifying people. If they want to ask me if someone is attending, they can, but I'm not going to keep lists of who isn't talking to whom and email everyone privately "so, X has already RSVP'd, thought you should know before making your decision".
Part of the reason why I really don't comprehend this inability to co-exist with the ex is precisely because, as you state, "Social space tends to be rather flexible space". So if I don't want to interact with someone, I just cross the room or sit further down the table. So I don't understand why it's such a big deal. I understand that it is a big deal to some, I just don't get why.
It just really irks me that so many people have had so many problems that people now default to ask me if I'm OK that a certain person will be there, or just go ahead and not invite one of us because they assume without asking either of us if there will be any discomfort. Some people do this selfishly, wanting to avoid dealing with drama, and some people think they are being compassionate and considerate by not putting two people together who might be uncomfortable. Either way, it's freakin' annoying. Let *me* decide if I'm uncomfortable or not!
It's not just friends, either. I had a partner who tried to minimze my social time with his other partner because *he* didn't want to have his enjoyment of the activity affected by the awkwardness he assumed would happen. I was actually *uninvited* to an event because it was him, me, her, some of her friends and some of mine and my friends canceled at the last minute. He thought if I didn't have my friends around me as a buffer to mask the fact that she didn't actually speak directly to me if she didn't have to, that *he* would feel awkward and so asked me not to come an hour before the event. That's why I mentioned the whole metamour thing in there too. IMO, anyone whose partners are so disagreeable that they can't get along in a social gathering has much bigger problems to solve than simply avoiding "awkwardness" at said gathering. I thought, since I wasn't the one causing the drama, she was the one who refused to speak to me, that, if anyone should be uninvited it should be her for acting like a spoiled child. But, that's one of the reasons why I'm not with that person anymore too.
no subject
Date: 5/21/08 10:54 pm (UTC)From: