This Is Not A Poly Issue

[joreth]

Man:  Since ya'll insist on acting like children, I'm gonna treat you like children.  Sit down!
Girls:  Excuse me?
Man:  I said sit down!

(they sit)

Man:  This has got to stop.  Now, let's try talking to each other instead of at each other.  Girl A, you first.  Look Girl B in the eye and tell her what you feel.

(What follows is the Girl A explaining how she was happier when Man was dating Ex-GF and the three of them were like the 3 Muskateers until Girl B came along and Ex-GF left.  Man tries to translate in less offensive terms, explaining how it was painful to Girl A to lose that group dynamic.  Girl B then explains how she's pissed off at the Girl A coming in and insulting her in her own home and constantly throwing the Ex-GF around.  Man thinks they have seen each other's point of view, but then they start screaming again.)

Man:  This is ridiculous!  Look, I love both of you.  And the only thing you have in common is that you both love me, right?
Girl A:  Yeah
Man:  Girl B?
Girl B:  yeah, yeah, I love ya (pouting).
Man:  Then can you both please love me enough to stop hating each other?  I'll leave you two alone to ponder that.
Girl B:  Wait, I have a question.  If the two of us were both drowning, which one would you save?
Man:  You two are always trying to make me choose between you!  I CAN'T choose between you!  The truth is I'd probably die myself trying to save both of you.

This is NOT a poly drama.  This is a conversation from a network sitcom where Man is the husband, Girl A is his sister and Girl B is his wife.  The problem I have with all the animosity towards polyamory is that so many people think "Oh, I couldn't do that!" when, in reality, they do exactly that.  Being monogamous doesn't stop jealousy, doesn't prevent tension in group dynamics or group management, doesn't stop resentment, doesn't stop any of the negative aspects that we poly folk have to deal with.  Because they're not poly issues, they're human issues, particularly humans in a social culture that promotes "happiness" as a right.

I absolutely hate the "who would you save" question, and this is the first acceptable answer I've ever seen.  Here is a "traditional" relationship model that includes jealousy, resentment, and the ability to love several people to the point of not being able to choose between them and how adults have to accept that there are more than one person who are important to anyone's life.   Now if we can just get mono people to extrapolate that to multiple *romantic* relationships, not just multiple emotionally loving relationships. 

 

Comments

[slouchinphysics.livejournal.com]

I had a conversation today with someone about how triads are hard in poly well mostly they talked about how it was hard for them. But it got me thinking that triads where folks all feel like they are getting their needs met and are in a relationship together not just in a pair and another slightly different pair are rare. And I'm not talking about romantically or even poly I'm just talking about you don't often see friends in groups of three and I felt really special as I've got two friends I used to do things with and to be honest drunkly exclaim that I loved them as social mores say you shouldn't tell people you aren't fucking or related to that you love them while sober. I suddenly felt like I had been part of something special and I would never have noticed how neat it was to have friends so close if I had never been poly. I'm not quite sure how this pertains to the post above directly its more of a yeah this is not about sex this is about relationships and any poly drama seen written large you can see that same drama in all relationships in life just maybe written smaller as we are all encouraged to lose our respective shit more when we are being dramatic about someone who we share below the waist privilidges with.

Oh and the who would you save question is so annoying I'm so glad to see it answered so handily.

[leora.livejournal.com]

Buffy handled the "who would you save" question too... the answer Xander gave was (from memory) "That's some sort of insane troll logic".

[summer-jackel.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't have much to say to that, other than REALLY, REALLY good point. As for the 'who would you save' question...well, Lucy's high priestess asked Kestrel that one early on in our relationship. (I was surprised by it; this is a woman who I otherwise respect greatly). Kestrel gave more or less that response.