My Advice: Just Settle!

[joreth]

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

The basic premise is that women should just settle for a guy who is "good enough" even though he doesn't hit her romantic triggers because otherwise, she'll find herself at 40 with a petri-dish kid and still all "alone".

Is this a satire?  Because I have trouble understanding how ANYONE could say these things with a straight face.

She left out the possibility that life might contain happiness if we accept it for what it is, instead of hoping for what it's not.  And she's extremely egotistical to make the claim that I (as one of those unmarried women over 30 who claim to not be worried), am in denial and that *she* knows better how I feel about my life and the institution of marriage.

Yes, by all means, latch on to a legal contract that forces two people to be joined financially and now romantically together for life, when the contract was written back when "life" was only for the next 30 years (instead of potentially 60 years now) and not intended to accomodate love in the first place, with another person that you only feel lukewarm about because that's MUCH better than facing your fears of being alone and your sense of worthlessness.  We wouldn't want you to actually DEAL with your fears and yourself and build a life that makes you happy just because it might not fit a stereotype that the majority of the population is incapable of achieving anyway because it's based on lies and fantasies.  Yep, settling sounds like a great idea!

I absolutely hate the line "By 40, if you get a cold shiver down your spine at the thought of embracing a certain guy, but you enjoy his company more than anyone else’s, is that settling or making an adult compromise?"  Excuse me?  Are those the only options?  Here's this guy you like hanging out with, but the mere thought of touching him makes you shudder, and not in a good way, and *that's* the guy you're supposed to marry?  Isn't it possible that you don't have to compromise passion for partnership, as long as you don't idealize it for a life-long, 40-year honeymoon?  That you can actually have bill payments and shared grocery-shopping trips and pleasurable sex and stimulating conversation all at once?  

And goodness forbid you actually enjoy a relationship for its natural lifetime and find another one later down the line that is more compatible with the future you than this one is!  I may not be with my current partners when I die (hopefully many many years from now) even though at this time I hope they will be part of my future for a long time to come, but that doesn't mean I'm guaranteed to be alone in my old age!  I could very well be with other people at that point - people who, had I met today, wouldn't compliment me the way they will in 30 years.  There's even a rise in nursing-home romances, precisely because people are living to older ages and are in better health during their twilight years, and therefore can continue to express their romance and loving feelings along with companionship of those they meet in later years.

Yes, I do agree with this author that women need to stop idealizing marriage, they need to stop expecting fireworks to last for 40 years and to stop thinking that an argument means the romance is gone.  I agree that the fantasy of the One True Love is one of our most cruel myths that we continue to foster in the face of all evidence.  But it's not an either/or dichotomy.  There are other options!  There is passion and love and consideration with the guy who just can't manage his finances and is a terrible housekeeper, so the relationship best survives if you don't live together.  There's the comfortable companionship with the "gay" friend (or simply the friend who just shares no chemistry) who might make the perfect roommate.  There are all sorts of permutations of relationships that can enrich our lives and contribute to our happiness.  No, it's not Prince Charming coming to sweep us off our feet and provide a fairytale life of castles and dragonslaying.  That never existed - it's called a "fantasy" for a reason.  But neither is it "settling", if one enjoys the relationship for what it is rather than being disappointed for what it's not.

Marriage is not the only option, and Ward and June Cleaver is not the only marriage option.  I agree that we should not be grasping for this fictional, non-attainable Mr. Right.  But I definately do NOT agree that we should settle for whatever guy is willing to marry us just to avoid the fear of being alone.  We do deserve to be happy, and I see nothing wrong with ending a relationship that does not contribute to our happiness.  It's when we expect our partner to PROVIDE that happiness, to be the sole source of every emotional desire, that we run into trouble.  We shouldn't hope for a magical partner that will make life roses and candy every day for the next 50 years, but we also shouldn't latch onto the first partner that is equally willing to "settle" for us because the alternative is to be alone for eternity.  Both are myths.

I'm having one of those beats-head-on-desk days with morons on the internet.

Argh

**Had to add this image from a feminist blogger who created it based on this article:
 

Comments

[joreth]

Last year at Necronomicon, I was already dressed up in my Latex Baroness outfit when we decided we should do a variation on the karata in chain instead of rope. So we ran down to a nearby Home Depot to get a length of chain. Outside in the parking lot, we stretched it out to find the middle link and mark it (we assumed we wouldn't have the room instide the hotel room and it's necessary to find the middle before you start a karata).

So there we are, me in a black latex cat suit and knee-high leather boots, tacit in an ankle-length black vinyl trench coat, stretching out 25 feet of silver chain in the parking lot. Someone walking from their car to the entrance joked "going to a fetish party?". We looked at each other and smiled and both said "Yep!" in unison. The guy faltered in his step, gave a puzzled look, then picked up his pace into the store.

We laughed and continued measuring for the middle.