Happy Poly Quote

[joreth]

I was just talking to someone in the SCA who faces some of the same issues with the media that polyamorists do.  We discussed how to handle the media and I mentioned the advice of making "soundbites" ... short and simple sentences that are not easy to take out of context.  The advice from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom recommends that anyone interested in being a media contact for any particular category have a handful of these soundbites at your disposal and input them into interviews, even if the question doesn't match your answer.  The point is to have your own agenda for the message you want to present and not get caught in a trap of answering irrelevant or offensive questions.

So, with that discussion fresh in my mind, I came across one of the most beautifully written "soundbites" that encompasses a whole rant's worth of words.

Relationships aren't about finding people for the empty places in your life, they're about finding places for the people in your life. ... The person comes first. The type of relationship comes later.

How about enjoying the relationships with the people you know and like, being open to finding new people to relate to in new ways, and including sex when that's appropriate? Maybe you'll find what you think you want. Maybe you'll find a wonderful relationship you would never have thought to look for.

That first line in particular is really the crux of the beauty of this tidbit.  I have a real problem with prescripting relationships.  I can't seem to really make it understood that I think there is a difference between prescripting your relationships and having natural (and reasonable) limitations on the types of people/relationships you're able to be involved in.  For example, I am not open to monogamous relationships, people who are bigots, etc.  I can be considered somewhat narrow in my approach in that I want inclusively network style polyamorist non-smokers as partners.  Some people are completely straight and not open to same-sex relationships.  

But I think that's different from the guy who wants a woman who is equally into him as she is to his wife and either currently unattached or willing to give up everyone in her life to "complete" his family.  I think it's different from the girl who wants exactly two men and one other woman to form a totally closed group who are all equally loving to each other with exactly the same ideas on how to manage a household and raise children.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having that relationship if you happen to find it.  I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment by *looking* for it and considering no others.  And I think that approach is bad because it does not consider the feelings of the as-yet-hypothetical future partner(s).  You might find that absolutely perfect match for you and your wife ... but he's male.  You might find that absolutely perfect couple to form a quad ... but they have a secondary already.  You might totally fall in love with someone who compliments you emotionally and intellectually ... but that doesn't mean she makes a good co-habitor because you have radically different ideas on household management.

When I say I will only date polyamorists, I *am* taking into account my hypothetical future partners.  A monogamist will not be happy with me.  Period.  It will save us both a lot of frustration and heartache if we just don't attempt it.  However, I am not opposed to knowing monogamists.  I find the proper place in my life for them ... and that's the friendship slot.  If a gay woman says she isn't interested in men, both of their feelings are being accomodated because any man who is sexually attracted to her is going to feel frustrated that she is not sexually attracted to him.

Now, see, I'm going off on a rant.  And look how many words I'm using.  My whole position can be summed up with that first line, and clarified by the sentences that follow it.

Relationships aren't about finding people for the empty places in your life, they're about finding places for the people in your life.

Comments

[redheadlass.livejournal.com]

Have I told you lately how awesome you are?

:)

Your friend,
the monogamist. LOL

[summer-jackel.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's a very very good way to put it.

Y'know, when I started this poly path, I was looking for someone to date casually. It turned into a closed, cohabiting triad from there and has now evolved into a network. My feelings on the thing are pretty much what you describe above...I want to be open to whatever comes my way and works, and though I may have ideas of what that might look like, I know that each relationship is likely to bring its own odd little wrinkle. I'm not invested in whatever permutation the network might take so much as making sure everyone is safe and the lines of communication are open.