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I'm intentionally not married. I've been engaged twice, so I can literally say I'm intentionally not married, rather than simply lacking any offers and rationalizing it (which is not an uncommon accusation, believe it or not). People are always asking me why I don't want to get married. I have lots of answers. They think I'm weird. I think they're weird because when I ask them why they *do* want to get married, many people don't have any answer. (If you do have an answer, then clearly, I'm not talking about you).
People who want to marry for religious reasons, I understand that. I don't believe in religion, but I understand that other people do, and part of the belief structure often includes some kind of holy union with another person. OK, strange, but if you accept the first premise of some almighty god, then when he orders you to partner up with someone for life, you kinda have to give it your best shot. I get that. And now that society and god allows marrying for love, it's not even that terrible a deal.
People who want to marry for legal benefits, I understand that. I think they're crazy because the divorce rate is high enough that, statistically speaking, these same people who want financial and legal security through marriage are going to have to go through a shitload of trouble to untangle themselves legally and financially in a few years. I understand the desire to take advantage of governmental benefits and the idea that their love could someday fail is incomprehensible while still caught in the throws of happy brain chemicals and often an already-entangled life together. Getting an automatic permission slip to receive half of another person's medical benefits and lay claim to half his paycheck is a pretty nice perk. And when your brain is busy imprinting with the use of hormones, it's also understandable that people put themselves in the "exception to the rule" category, because, of course, no one who ever got divorced ever felt *this* way about each other! But, I digress. The point is, I get financial benefits.
People who want to make some sort of public affirmation of commitment in front of their friends, family, loved ones, and gods, I even understand that. Again, not something that I need to have, although I wouldn't mind an excuse to have a party where everyone is socially obligated to attend, pay attention to me and give me gifts! But seriously, I realize that some people gain something emotionally securing from making an announcement of commitment and future intentions. But this is a completely separate process from signing a legal document assigning rights and responsibilities to my relationship that can be regulated by law.
So many people don't give these answers, although they might use these as justifications when pressed. No, many people have only one answer to the question. The answer is "because we love each other". *This* answer I don't understand.
I had some TV show playing in the background while I worked on pictures. I have no idea what it was called, I wasn't actually paying attention at first. It was Valentine's Day and the girl was told by her sister that the girl's boyfriend was going to propose. She acted excited, but was caught consuming massive quantities of alcohol throughout the episode under a thinly-veiled excuse of being so excited that the wine helped her relax. At dinner, she makes herself a nervous wreck looking for hidden rings in drinks and food. Finally, he says he has something important to say, pulls out a jewelry box, and she jumps up and runs to the bathroom. The sister, hiding nearby, jumps on the boyfriend, learns that he's not going to propose and that he only has earrings. So she goes to the bathroom to calm the girl down and break the news, which should have been a relief since the girl reveals that she's not ready to get married. But, after dinner and stuck in traffic on their way out of town for a romantic ski weekend, the girl sulks because the boyfriend did not propose to her, even though she clearly didn't want to get married. They begin to argue. Here's the part that really caught my attention and sparked a journal entry:
Guy: I've seen my friends get divorced, my brother get divorced, even my parents are calling it quits after 30 years. Babe, I love you, but I just don't think marriage is for me.
Girl: Were you ever gonna tell me?
Guy: We've been going out a year, you never brought it up, I figured we were on the same page.
Girl: Evidently not.
Guy: Wait a minute, tonight when you thought I was gonna propose, you threw up! That doesn't exactly scream "be my Valentine".
Girl: That was when I thought about getting married *right now*. I still want to get married some day, to share my life with someone.
Guy: That's what we're doing right now! We love each other, we spend time together. Why change that?
Girl: I can't go on like this forever!
I stop here for a reason. That was the end of the discussion. She turns her head and stares out the window. He sighs and looks out the other window. There was no explanation about what the institute of marriage would bring to the relationship that would improve their relationship and what was wrong with their relationship currently that she couldn't "go on" in that vein.
We have a couple here, or anywhere, who has a "good" relationship (although one could debate "good relationship" if they could date a year before discovering that they had different opinions on marriage - that's a whole OTHER post!). I give you a hypothetical couple. They enjoy each others' company. They spend regular time together. Presumably they have an enjoyable sex life (if they're abstaining until marriage, that tends to go along with having a religious reason for marriage which I've ruled out, so let's assume they have sex). They have plans for the future. They take trips together. They support each other emotionally. There is only one thing wrong with their relationship. One of them is enjoying themselves immensely. The other thinks their relationship is unfulfilling because they haven't gotten married yet.
If I ask them, what will change when they get married, the answer is always nothing. Especially now that so many people live together first and often have kids out of wedlock (or from prior relationships). When you already live together, love together, and plan for the future together, what does a marriage change? Remember, we have already ruled out financial benefits and religious reasons. Most states have domestic partnership laws now, so many couples can even receive health benefits without getting married. I've had a joint checking account with someone before, so I don't need to get married to entangle my finances. I don't want kids, but most non-poly people I know had kids before getting married, so clearly that's not a requirement either. You want to make some sort of public affirmation about your love for your partner? That can be done without the license too, as every homosexual couple and poly third+ lifemate can attest.
So, if nothing is wrong with your existing relationship, and nothing will change after a wedding, then what's the point? As I've said above, I get money, I get god (well, I get that other people do, anyway), and I even get making public announcements of love.
What I don't get is getting all tangled up in a legal arrangement so complex and complicated that most people don't ever even learn what all the responsibilities and benefits *are* when a person can't even give a reason to do so. I do not believe in doing anything just because "you're s'posed to" or "it's the way it's always been done". If a person chooses to follow a traditional path, but does so because they've evaluated the options and believe that the traditional path is the right one for them, then I stand behind that decision all the way, even if I would not make that choice. The problem I have with people who choose the "traditional" path is when they do it without even understanding why they do it. Then they wonder why it all goes wrong. It's because they never knew what was right for them in the first place.
There's something interesting about our society. We get punished for inaction. Although there are some exceptions, many women who seek permanent sterilization before age 30 or before having at least one child get met with strong resistance. It seems kind of backwards to me. We are not expected to have plans or even a reason for having children, a decision that will alter the path of life for at least 2 people - most likely a whole bunch more, but choosing *not* to requires a list of reasons long enough to rival Santa's good/bad list. Getting married, a decision that permanently alters two people's futures in ways they never even fully comprehend and even has an impact on the greater society around them, only requires the reason "because I love them". Yet choosing to maintain one's current financial and legal status that one already understands and has had to make intentional choices about for the duration of one's adult life, while still allowing for sharing one's life romantically with another human being, however, needs explanation and justification and *still* is met with disapproval.
There's something wrong here.
This should be another post, but this one is titled "Thoughts on Marriage" and my television seems intent upon continuing this discussion.
So, the next show includes an argument between an engaged couple. The girl finds out that her parents squandered away her "marriage fund". She's broke and his parents are broke. In the middle of her breakdown as she realizes that she might have to buy a wedding dress - *gasp* - "off the rack", the guy reveals that he has some money set aside and they can use some of that. When she finds out the total, she is jubilant because it's the exact amount needed for Wedding Plan A. He says "Now, hold on here, we can't spend ALL the money". Here's where the argument ensues. She (and her friends who are within earshot) want to spend his entire savings on the wedding. He refuses to spend all his savings on "a party". He'd rather have a smaller wedding and have something left over for their future ... y'know, house down payments, kids college funds, that kind of stuff. She is completely aghast at the idea of not having the wedding of her dreams, even though it means bankrupting them. As she puts it, "we can always make more money, but we're only going to get married once". He puts his foot down and refuses to spend the full amount on the wedding, and leaves the room.
I have to agree with the guy here. This is pretty fucked up. Yet I see this all the time. Men are supposed to spend, what is it now? 3 months salary on a ring? A year? The cost of a wedding can quickly add up to more than my entire college career! That sounds like a GREAT way to start a life together with someone ... in hock up to their eyeballs with no money for housing or transportation. Silly me, I thought the point of a wedding was to make a pledge before your god and your family that two people are now pledged to living a shared life. But apparently it's to start that life as ass-poor as possible. I suppose that's one way to ensure the couple experiences the worse of "for better or worse" and the poor of "richer or poorer" lines in the vows.
This show ended on a less offensive note than the last one, at least. He recants and says she can have all his money. They can make do with only 2 kids and they'll flip a coin which one goes to college. Instead of the nice house with a yard and a mother-in-law suite above the garage, they can live in their current 2-bedroom apartment. When she discovers that he actually thought of their future together and was making actual plans by saving money for this future, she understands the true meaning of romance. She immediately softens and gives in, believing that he loves her and that planning for the future is a better start to their marriage than a big "party".
I'm just cranky today and I had to vent it somehow. I guess the marriage topic got it this time.
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Date: 10/23/07 04:23 pm (UTC)From:If someone's answer is "I want to make a solemn vow", well, that's an answer. That either falls under the religious reasons or the public declaration part. What I'm complaining about is when there *is* no answer. That's an awful lot of trouble to get into for "no reason".
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Date: 10/23/07 04:47 pm (UTC)From:Refinancing the house to get rid of the joint mortgage, dividing up joint property, separating out our accounts, deciding who got custody of the cat, etc. - that's where the work to disentangle came in. And you don't need marriage to get those entanglements. Heck, I'm going through all that right now with a partner who I lived with for 6 years.. and we even consciously kept our entanglements to a minimum *knowing* up front that we weren't a lifetime partnership.