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https://poly.land/2017/06/22/crumple-zone-partners-bear-impact/
This feels like a very surface-level introduction to something that I've been complaining about for some time. I don't have time to go into it more right now, but I think this will become inspiration for a longer post.
The double edge to this sword is that I end up dating men who *like* the fact that I don't make them responsible for my own emotions. But how is that a bad thing? you might ask. Well, it becomes a bad thing because it attracts both emotionally mature people AND people who don't like to do any emotional labor in relationships and expect their partners to do it all for them.
So my partners get complacent that I'll do the work on myself and compensate for their lack of relationship management skill and they coast along in a relatively drama-free relationship. Until I have an actual problem that requires their participation. Suddenly it's all "drama" and "I can't handle this right now" and "I'm overwhelmed, I need to leave" and "you're too much work".
My last major breakup was with someone who ghosted me slowly. After not having seen him in literally months, I asked him to tell me what kind of time commitment he *could* agree to. He insisted that our previous agreement of spending a long weekend every other week at my house was doable.
After another couple of months of still not seeing him, I mentioned one date night per month, where we leave the house and do something that requires focused attention on each other. One date night per month. Another month or two passed by with not only not seeing each other, but he also just stopped responding to my text messages. I finally got to see him when he felt obligated to a favor he had agreed to a long time prior.
In that confrontation, his response was to accidentally admit that his video game time was taking precedence over my request for one date night per month of concentrated attention. You see, I was fine to spend time with, as long as he didn't have to feel any inconvenience from my feelings. As soon as I started expressing unhappiness at his lack of participation in our relationship, he got "overwhelmed".
When we saw each other regularly, he told me how soothing it was to be in my presence. But when he stopped seeing me regularly and I started expressing sadness and disappointment, he pulled back even more to avoid facing my inconvenient emotions.
My most recent "minor" breakup was with someone who I knew would feel challenged by polyamory. So I was as up front with him as possible, telling him that there would be challenges, but that I would work with him every step of the way. After all, he was the one who insisted that he try, and I quote, "all in with an emotional connection or nothing". I would have accepted a quick rebound fuck and moved on, but he insisted that it had to be a "real relationship" and I was dubious at his ability to handle that.
Just as I started to let my guard down and show him my vulnerabilities as part of this intimate relationship he insisted we have, he tells me that "a relationship shouldn't be this much work" (keep in mind we *hadn't yet actually started dating*, we just had 3 dates where we talked about what we were interested in) so he's getting back with his ex-gf because she already knows him and won't put any demands on him to grow or challenge his preconceptions of love. Of course she won't, that's why he dumped her in the first place - he was bored and envisioning a lifetime of beige. But now, faced with potential "challenges" and "growth", suddenly that life without challenge seemed safer. Yes, he actually said all that.
I am always the partner who has to deal with my emotions on my own. I'm the "poly veteran", so obvs I'm an expert and don't need help. As soon as I exhibit any difficulty or ask for someone else's help in managing the relationship, I become "inconvenient", "challenging", and "difficult".
I'm the one people date because it's so "easy" to be in a relationship with me ... until it's not, and then I'm the one that gets dumped because fuck forbid my partner have to take the reins for a while and give me a space to be the mess in the relationship.
This feels like a very surface-level introduction to something that I've been complaining about for some time. I don't have time to go into it more right now, but I think this will become inspiration for a longer post.
"if a person within the web is particularly skilled at doing emotional labor? They’ll often end up as a lightning rod for it."In my case, it plays out that I take responsibility for my own emotions and don't expect other people to "fix" me or do something about a problem that's internal to me.
"Folks who are in emotional crumple zones are the ones others worry the least about upsetting or hurting. Not because they don’t have feelings. And not because they don’t get hurt easily.
Indeed, many folks in the crumple zone are actually quite sensitive — to their own emotions and to the ones of those around them. But the reality is that their own hurt feelings don’t cause inconvenience to others."
The double edge to this sword is that I end up dating men who *like* the fact that I don't make them responsible for my own emotions. But how is that a bad thing? you might ask. Well, it becomes a bad thing because it attracts both emotionally mature people AND people who don't like to do any emotional labor in relationships and expect their partners to do it all for them.
So my partners get complacent that I'll do the work on myself and compensate for their lack of relationship management skill and they coast along in a relatively drama-free relationship. Until I have an actual problem that requires their participation. Suddenly it's all "drama" and "I can't handle this right now" and "I'm overwhelmed, I need to leave" and "you're too much work".
My last major breakup was with someone who ghosted me slowly. After not having seen him in literally months, I asked him to tell me what kind of time commitment he *could* agree to. He insisted that our previous agreement of spending a long weekend every other week at my house was doable.
After another couple of months of still not seeing him, I mentioned one date night per month, where we leave the house and do something that requires focused attention on each other. One date night per month. Another month or two passed by with not only not seeing each other, but he also just stopped responding to my text messages. I finally got to see him when he felt obligated to a favor he had agreed to a long time prior.
In that confrontation, his response was to accidentally admit that his video game time was taking precedence over my request for one date night per month of concentrated attention. You see, I was fine to spend time with, as long as he didn't have to feel any inconvenience from my feelings. As soon as I started expressing unhappiness at his lack of participation in our relationship, he got "overwhelmed".
When we saw each other regularly, he told me how soothing it was to be in my presence. But when he stopped seeing me regularly and I started expressing sadness and disappointment, he pulled back even more to avoid facing my inconvenient emotions.
My most recent "minor" breakup was with someone who I knew would feel challenged by polyamory. So I was as up front with him as possible, telling him that there would be challenges, but that I would work with him every step of the way. After all, he was the one who insisted that he try, and I quote, "all in with an emotional connection or nothing". I would have accepted a quick rebound fuck and moved on, but he insisted that it had to be a "real relationship" and I was dubious at his ability to handle that.
Just as I started to let my guard down and show him my vulnerabilities as part of this intimate relationship he insisted we have, he tells me that "a relationship shouldn't be this much work" (keep in mind we *hadn't yet actually started dating*, we just had 3 dates where we talked about what we were interested in) so he's getting back with his ex-gf because she already knows him and won't put any demands on him to grow or challenge his preconceptions of love. Of course she won't, that's why he dumped her in the first place - he was bored and envisioning a lifetime of beige. But now, faced with potential "challenges" and "growth", suddenly that life without challenge seemed safer. Yes, he actually said all that.
I am always the partner who has to deal with my emotions on my own. I'm the "poly veteran", so obvs I'm an expert and don't need help. As soon as I exhibit any difficulty or ask for someone else's help in managing the relationship, I become "inconvenient", "challenging", and "difficult".
I'm the one people date because it's so "easy" to be in a relationship with me ... until it's not, and then I'm the one that gets dumped because fuck forbid my partner have to take the reins for a while and give me a space to be the mess in the relationship.
