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This is a post I made on Facebook on January 28, 2019, and it was commentary on a link of some sort that is now deleted so I have no idea what the original content was that prompted me to write this post.
But it's about my experience with suicidal depression, so I'm archiving it here:
I spiraled into a suicidal depression about 4 or 5 years ago and managed to claw my way out, but only barely. The depression was right there behind the wall, waiting for an opportunity to come back. It sometimes sent raiding parties over that I would have to battle for a day or two, and scouts in the form of random anxiety attacks, so although I felt that I was out of the depression, I wasn't quite out of the woods (to mix all my metaphors).
I was suicidal as a bullied child, but I pulled myself out of that one so far that I didn't even recognize that time in my life as "me". I knew that it had happened, but it felt disassociated, like a movie I had seen. I couldn't remember what depression felt like. Until I hit it again a few years ago.
Now, I got kicked back into it thanks to a major breakup, a minor "breakup" that was still intense for all its shortness, and a forced move. That's what my depression is related to these days - loss and instability. I'm not naturally prone to depression, it's situational. I've just had some really shitty situations for a really long time now.
So, because of the depression a few years ago not completely going away, and then getting pushed into another one a few months ago, I'm starting to forget who that non-depressed Joreth was, like *that* was the "situational" version of me, the movie version, and I don't really remember what it feels like anymore to not be depressed.
I'm now remembering times in my life where things kinda sucked as extensions of my depression (because memories are malleable). I'm starting to identify as a person with depression, rather than a person who happens to be going through a depressive episode right now or who happened to have gone through depression before.
This is becoming my new normal. And I have to be careful because that nihilism was one of the stages prior to the suicidal ideation starting to slide towards action. The only reason why I didn't actually attempt suicide the last time was literally because my apathy was too strong to motivate me. But I had started preparing by putting my affairs in order. That "this is just my life now" was the first step off that ledge.
#GetMeOutOfHere
But it's about my experience with suicidal depression, so I'm archiving it here:
I spiraled into a suicidal depression about 4 or 5 years ago and managed to claw my way out, but only barely. The depression was right there behind the wall, waiting for an opportunity to come back. It sometimes sent raiding parties over that I would have to battle for a day or two, and scouts in the form of random anxiety attacks, so although I felt that I was out of the depression, I wasn't quite out of the woods (to mix all my metaphors).
I was suicidal as a bullied child, but I pulled myself out of that one so far that I didn't even recognize that time in my life as "me". I knew that it had happened, but it felt disassociated, like a movie I had seen. I couldn't remember what depression felt like. Until I hit it again a few years ago.
Now, I got kicked back into it thanks to a major breakup, a minor "breakup" that was still intense for all its shortness, and a forced move. That's what my depression is related to these days - loss and instability. I'm not naturally prone to depression, it's situational. I've just had some really shitty situations for a really long time now.
So, because of the depression a few years ago not completely going away, and then getting pushed into another one a few months ago, I'm starting to forget who that non-depressed Joreth was, like *that* was the "situational" version of me, the movie version, and I don't really remember what it feels like anymore to not be depressed.
I'm now remembering times in my life where things kinda sucked as extensions of my depression (because memories are malleable). I'm starting to identify as a person with depression, rather than a person who happens to be going through a depressive episode right now or who happened to have gone through depression before.
This is becoming my new normal. And I have to be careful because that nihilism was one of the stages prior to the suicidal ideation starting to slide towards action. The only reason why I didn't actually attempt suicide the last time was literally because my apathy was too strong to motivate me. But I had started preparing by putting my affairs in order. That "this is just my life now" was the first step off that ledge.
#GetMeOutOfHere
