![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
www.quora.com/What-are-the-advantages-and-disadvantages-of-being-in-open-realationship/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper
Q. What are the pros and cons of an open relationship?
A. Pro: I have people around me who love me and support me. My parents have always loved and encouraged me to be my best self. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, right. My partners love me and encourage me to be my best self.
Con: Other people have their own lives and things that go on in their lives so they’re not always around to be my support structure. My sister is a single mom with 2 kids working on her masters degree in nursing. She doesn’t have a lot of time for me right now, although she wants to support me in any way she can. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, right. My partners live long distance from me and can’t always be here for me even though they want to.
Pro: I can explore different aspects of myself through relating to other people. I have 3 or 4 really good friends who are dancers and can go out dancing with me, a couple of friends who were film students like me and enjoy going to the movies, some friends who like talking about philosophy, some who just like to go out and be silly, some who talk better on the internet and some who like being in person, etc. and I get to explore all these different facets of myself through the activities we share together.
Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, right. I have partners & metamours who like watching movies with me, who like talking philosophy, who like being silly, who have a wide variety of interests with whom I can explore and adventure with.
Con: Sometimes there can be so many interesting things to explore and learn about that there just isn’t enough time to try everything, or try it in depth. And sometimes there can be something you really want to explore with another person and yet still no one in your network is interested in that thing. I only met my dancer friends in the last several months, so for most of my life I had no one to share my love of dance with.
Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, right. I don’t have any partners who dance, so I can’t share that with them, and the few metamours I do have that like to dance live too far away for me to go dancing with them.
Pro: Developing deeply intimate connections with people based on love, trust, compatibility, and respect. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, and that’s also possible in monogamous relationships, right.
Con: Getting hurt when people you love leave or discard you. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory and that’s also possible in monogamous relationships, right.
Pro: All teh secks. Developing relationships with people who share your sexual interests and having sexual experiences with them. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory and that’s also possible in monogamous relationships, right.
Con: None of teh secks. Sometimes there is relationship processing that needs to happen and we’re too busy doing Relationship Maintenance or Relationship Triage to explore our sexuality together. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory and that’s also possible in monogamous relationships, right.
"Wait a minute!" you might be saying. "None of this is any different from monogamy or from non-romantic social groups! I wanted to hear about polyamory specifically!"
Well, very little about polyamory is specific to polyamory. It’s really all the same problems and joys and conflict resolution strategies. Even issues like jealousy come up in monogamous and platonic relationships. My cousin used to be extremely possessive and jealous over my sister (they were the same age and best friends growing up). She threw a huge fit once when my grandfather held a “welcome home BBQ” in my sister’s honor after my sister moved away for a while, and my sister wasn’t the one to invite my cousin. My grandfather invited her directly, as it was at his house and my sister actually had nothing to do with it. But somehow my sister was the bad guy for not inviting my cousin?
Raising kids - my sister was a teenage single mother. On the school forms, she had like 5 other people who were verified to pick the kids up from school - our parents, me, the babysitter, her best friend - which is something that poly parents seem to be worried about. This script is already in place in our society. She also had to deal with when to introduce the kids to the new boyfriend, how to deal with kids who got attached after a breakup, etc. We already have that script in place too.
Even “monogamous” people have scripts for how to have things like group sex or multiple sex partners, so even that isn’t really much different. And metamour relations are basically the same thing as in-law relations. The pros and cons of polyamory relationships are the same pros and cons as *relationships* period. Each relationship is different and unique so the pros and cons will also be specific to that relationship. Something that’s a “pro” with one partner might not be applicable with another partner, whether you have those partners simultaneously or sequentially.
One thing is different, however, about poly relationships from monogamous ones and even some other versions of non-monogamy: In order to have successful poly relationships (successful not necessarily meaning “until death do we part”, but rather meaning “a relationship that makes everyone in it more happy than not), you will have to develop some advanced relationship skills. Monogamy does not require these skills, although monogamous relationships all benefit greatly from having them.
Poly relationships simply can’t exist without advanced communication skills, self-esteem skills, self-care skills, compassion skills, and time management skills. Mono relationships get better when you have them, but because the cultural systems in place support monogamy, a monogamous relationship can basically limp along indefinitely even when the participants don’t have these advanced skills.
I’d say that developing advanced relationship skills is a pro. I know other people who hate doing any kind of emotional labor or relationship work or even personal growth work, so they might say that developing these skills is a con.
Q. What are the pros and cons of an open relationship?
A. Pro: I have people around me who love me and support me. My parents have always loved and encouraged me to be my best self. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, right. My partners love me and encourage me to be my best self.
Con: Other people have their own lives and things that go on in their lives so they’re not always around to be my support structure. My sister is a single mom with 2 kids working on her masters degree in nursing. She doesn’t have a lot of time for me right now, although she wants to support me in any way she can. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, right. My partners live long distance from me and can’t always be here for me even though they want to.
Pro: I can explore different aspects of myself through relating to other people. I have 3 or 4 really good friends who are dancers and can go out dancing with me, a couple of friends who were film students like me and enjoy going to the movies, some friends who like talking about philosophy, some who just like to go out and be silly, some who talk better on the internet and some who like being in person, etc. and I get to explore all these different facets of myself through the activities we share together.
Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, right. I have partners & metamours who like watching movies with me, who like talking philosophy, who like being silly, who have a wide variety of interests with whom I can explore and adventure with.
Con: Sometimes there can be so many interesting things to explore and learn about that there just isn’t enough time to try everything, or try it in depth. And sometimes there can be something you really want to explore with another person and yet still no one in your network is interested in that thing. I only met my dancer friends in the last several months, so for most of my life I had no one to share my love of dance with.
Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, right. I don’t have any partners who dance, so I can’t share that with them, and the few metamours I do have that like to dance live too far away for me to go dancing with them.
Pro: Developing deeply intimate connections with people based on love, trust, compatibility, and respect. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory, and that’s also possible in monogamous relationships, right.
Con: Getting hurt when people you love leave or discard you. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory and that’s also possible in monogamous relationships, right.
Pro: All teh secks. Developing relationships with people who share your sexual interests and having sexual experiences with them. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory and that’s also possible in monogamous relationships, right.
Con: None of teh secks. Sometimes there is relationship processing that needs to happen and we’re too busy doing Relationship Maintenance or Relationship Triage to explore our sexuality together. Oh, wait, we’re talking about polyamory and that’s also possible in monogamous relationships, right.
"Wait a minute!" you might be saying. "None of this is any different from monogamy or from non-romantic social groups! I wanted to hear about polyamory specifically!"
Raising kids - my sister was a teenage single mother. On the school forms, she had like 5 other people who were verified to pick the kids up from school - our parents, me, the babysitter, her best friend - which is something that poly parents seem to be worried about. This script is already in place in our society. She also had to deal with when to introduce the kids to the new boyfriend, how to deal with kids who got attached after a breakup, etc. We already have that script in place too.
Even “monogamous” people have scripts for how to have things like group sex or multiple sex partners, so even that isn’t really much different. And metamour relations are basically the same thing as in-law relations. The pros and cons of polyamory relationships are the same pros and cons as *relationships* period. Each relationship is different and unique so the pros and cons will also be specific to that relationship. Something that’s a “pro” with one partner might not be applicable with another partner, whether you have those partners simultaneously or sequentially.
One thing is different, however, about poly relationships from monogamous ones and even some other versions of non-monogamy: In order to have successful poly relationships (successful not necessarily meaning “until death do we part”, but rather meaning “a relationship that makes everyone in it more happy than not), you will have to develop some advanced relationship skills. Monogamy does not require these skills, although monogamous relationships all benefit greatly from having them.
Poly relationships simply can’t exist without advanced communication skills, self-esteem skills, self-care skills, compassion skills, and time management skills. Mono relationships get better when you have them, but because the cultural systems in place support monogamy, a monogamous relationship can basically limp along indefinitely even when the participants don’t have these advanced skills.
I’d say that developing advanced relationship skills is a pro. I know other people who hate doing any kind of emotional labor or relationship work or even personal growth work, so they might say that developing these skills is a con.
