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Originally written on November 1, 2018
Ah, November 1st, one of two times in the year where I feel body dysphoria.
For all that I dislike about my biology and would like to fix if I could (looking at you, endometriosis, and this whole pesky "fertile by default" thing), I'm actually pretty comfortable in my skin. Just last month, after I gestured towards my nose and made some kind of self-depreciating comment about it, mom said that she asked me as a teen if I wanted to have a nose job, and I told her no, that this is how I am.
I have no memory of that conversation, and today I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to have the nose job, but whatever. I don't want it bad enough to actually save up money to do it. But I don't dye my hair, or even really style it, I don't have tattoos, I don't even wear makeup except for costumes, and even though I identify more masculine than feminine, I don't feel any weirdness about having a female body. So I was surprised to recognize a feeling of dysphoria a few years ago.
One is when I painted my nails for a Bollywood performance. For some reason, when I paint my nails, I keep getting distracted by them, looking down at my hands and wondering whose hands they are and how they got on the end of my arms.
But the other time was during Halloween.
One year I was scheduled to work a strike, which is all heavy manual labor in dangerous, sweaty conditions, and I had no social plans for that evening. So I wanted some kind of "costume" that could be worn while getting dirty and sweaty, not get in my way, not be in danger of being damaged, and also wasn't "girlie".
At the time, realistic-looking "wound" temporary tattoos had just come out. On a whim, I bought some and went as a "mauling victim" that year. The tattoos were a huge success! I had people coming up to me all day at work, asking if I was OK, only to get close enough to see that the blood was not 3D and I was not injured. I loved those tattoos.
Then it came time to take them off. And I found myself avoiding the removal of the tattoos. I wasn't really sure why at first. I mean, even when I go for masculine attire, I still emphasize a feminine face, and gory wounds are definitely not "feminine". I do have my vanities. And I definitely don't want any real tattoos. I can't stand the thought of permanently marking my body. I'm still upset about the 3 scars that I do have - one of which is so small that only I can even see it, another is on my foot so nobody can see it either, and the third is on my back so even *I* can't see it.
So why was it so hard for me to remove the temporary wound tattoos?
It finally occurred to me that the reason why I kept putting it off was because every time I looked in the mirror, I finally saw "me" for the first time. I didn't want to remove the wound tattoos because that's what I felt I was *supposed* to look like.
Shocked by the thought that crossed my mind, I stared at myself in the mirror for a good 10 minutes, thinking. If this is what I was "supposed" to look like, had I finally found a real tattoo design that I could get? Nope, that wasn't it either. As soon as I considered a permanent tattoo, my brain shied away as it always did, even though the design would be the wound that I was looking at right then that felt so right.
Apparently, it's the ephemeral quality of a real wound that is the "real me". I should have known. I mean, I've been taking pictures of my real wounds for years - both actual injuries I've had and BDSM marks I've acquired. Having a gruesome injury or wound makes me feel like "me", but the wound has to be temporary. It has to "heal", so that I can get another wound somewhere else.
And part of it is the stories that go along with the wounds. I like having a visual reminder of a significant event that I experienced. As my old college producer used to say, "whatever you live through and makes a good story was worth it". The temporary wound tattoos are part of a character that I create, so those have stories too. I come up with a *reason* why I have those particular wounds, and the wounds are all consistent with the character's story.
So, for instance, if I have open slash wounds, I don't also have festering pus wounds or stitched up wounds, because they don't go together. Someone with open slash wounds would be a victim of some kind of violence. Festering pus wounds would be some kind of gory creature, probably not alive.
So even though I didn't personally go through some situation to "earn" those temporary tattoo wounds, like I would have with BDSM markings or work injuries, they still have a "story" to go with them. And then they fade away, just like real wounds, but without that whole "has to suffer pain and possible long-term medical complications" thing.
So now, every year that I work on Halloween Day or otherwise can't wear an actual costume, I put on some kind of wound tattoo and I feel like I am finally "me". And every November 1st, when it comes time to take them off, I face the dysphoria again as I take off my makeup and go back to my mask.
#BrainsAreWeird #KeptTheNonFacialOnesOnTodayAnyway #TheDysphoriaDoesNotHappenWhenIHaveTheFreedomToLetTheTempTattoosWearOffNaturally #JustLikeRealWounds #SeeingHowILookedWithGiantHickiesInHighSchoolShouldHaveBeenMyFirstTipOff #LikeTheLookDoNotLikeThePainThatGoesWithRealWoundsSoMuch
Ah, November 1st, one of two times in the year where I feel body dysphoria.
For all that I dislike about my biology and would like to fix if I could (looking at you, endometriosis, and this whole pesky "fertile by default" thing), I'm actually pretty comfortable in my skin. Just last month, after I gestured towards my nose and made some kind of self-depreciating comment about it, mom said that she asked me as a teen if I wanted to have a nose job, and I told her no, that this is how I am.
I have no memory of that conversation, and today I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to have the nose job, but whatever. I don't want it bad enough to actually save up money to do it. But I don't dye my hair, or even really style it, I don't have tattoos, I don't even wear makeup except for costumes, and even though I identify more masculine than feminine, I don't feel any weirdness about having a female body. So I was surprised to recognize a feeling of dysphoria a few years ago.
One is when I painted my nails for a Bollywood performance. For some reason, when I paint my nails, I keep getting distracted by them, looking down at my hands and wondering whose hands they are and how they got on the end of my arms.
But the other time was during Halloween.
One year I was scheduled to work a strike, which is all heavy manual labor in dangerous, sweaty conditions, and I had no social plans for that evening. So I wanted some kind of "costume" that could be worn while getting dirty and sweaty, not get in my way, not be in danger of being damaged, and also wasn't "girlie".
At the time, realistic-looking "wound" temporary tattoos had just come out. On a whim, I bought some and went as a "mauling victim" that year. The tattoos were a huge success! I had people coming up to me all day at work, asking if I was OK, only to get close enough to see that the blood was not 3D and I was not injured. I loved those tattoos.Then it came time to take them off. And I found myself avoiding the removal of the tattoos. I wasn't really sure why at first. I mean, even when I go for masculine attire, I still emphasize a feminine face, and gory wounds are definitely not "feminine". I do have my vanities. And I definitely don't want any real tattoos. I can't stand the thought of permanently marking my body. I'm still upset about the 3 scars that I do have - one of which is so small that only I can even see it, another is on my foot so nobody can see it either, and the third is on my back so even *I* can't see it.
So why was it so hard for me to remove the temporary wound tattoos?
It finally occurred to me that the reason why I kept putting it off was because every time I looked in the mirror, I finally saw "me" for the first time. I didn't want to remove the wound tattoos because that's what I felt I was *supposed* to look like.
Shocked by the thought that crossed my mind, I stared at myself in the mirror for a good 10 minutes, thinking. If this is what I was "supposed" to look like, had I finally found a real tattoo design that I could get? Nope, that wasn't it either. As soon as I considered a permanent tattoo, my brain shied away as it always did, even though the design would be the wound that I was looking at right then that felt so right.
Apparently, it's the ephemeral quality of a real wound that is the "real me". I should have known. I mean, I've been taking pictures of my real wounds for years - both actual injuries I've had and BDSM marks I've acquired. Having a gruesome injury or wound makes me feel like "me", but the wound has to be temporary. It has to "heal", so that I can get another wound somewhere else.And part of it is the stories that go along with the wounds. I like having a visual reminder of a significant event that I experienced. As my old college producer used to say, "whatever you live through and makes a good story was worth it". The temporary wound tattoos are part of a character that I create, so those have stories too. I come up with a *reason* why I have those particular wounds, and the wounds are all consistent with the character's story.
So, for instance, if I have open slash wounds, I don't also have festering pus wounds or stitched up wounds, because they don't go together. Someone with open slash wounds would be a victim of some kind of violence. Festering pus wounds would be some kind of gory creature, probably not alive.So even though I didn't personally go through some situation to "earn" those temporary tattoo wounds, like I would have with BDSM markings or work injuries, they still have a "story" to go with them. And then they fade away, just like real wounds, but without that whole "has to suffer pain and possible long-term medical complications" thing.
So now, every year that I work on Halloween Day or otherwise can't wear an actual costume, I put on some kind of wound tattoo and I feel like I am finally "me". And every November 1st, when it comes time to take them off, I face the dysphoria again as I take off my makeup and go back to my mask.
#BrainsAreWeird #KeptTheNonFacialOnesOnTodayAnyway #TheDysphoriaDoesNotHappenWhenIHaveTheFreedomToLetTheTempTattoosWearOffNaturally #JustLikeRealWounds #SeeingHowILookedWithGiantHickiesInHighSchoolShouldHaveBeenMyFirstTipOff #LikeTheLookDoNotLikeThePainThatGoesWithRealWoundsSoMuch
