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There is one good thing that seems to come out of most of my bad breakups.
If I have made any kind of connection with some of the women in my exes' lives, and those women aren't also total assholes (or haven't internalized the abuse he has subjected them to, causing them to side with their abuser and turn on his victims), then when the ex turns into a jerk during the breakup, sometimes the women reach out to me and I discover that I wasn't alone in being mistreated, and I end up building some pretty amazing friendships out of the wreckage.
My best friend is a metafore (metamour from before who still feels close enough that we don't want to give up the metamour connection even though we're technically not metamours anymore) whom we both broke up with our mutual partner for the same reason - his mishandling of all our various relationships.
I have another metafore who was smarter than I was and dumped his ass when he started to treat her the same way he treated me right before he dumped me. Neither of us speak to him anymore, but I still consider her a good friend.
I also know a few other women who were friends with various exes of mine who have shitty breakup skills (or, at least, they did with me) who I felt that we got closer after talking about the breakup because they also went through some shit, but as a not-girlfriend while I was a girlfriend, maybe didn't have anyone else to talk to about our similar experiences until I was also not a girlfriend and they extended some compassion over the guy who introduced us.
I have quite a few former metamours with whom I am on good terms with, but whatever breakup that happened to separate us as metamours didn't fall into my "bad breakup" category for me, so it's not a surprise that we're still on good terms.
But there's something that seems to happen among women (probably our socially-required emotional labor skills that facilitate our relationship building even among extended acquaintances like metamours and partner's friend) when the dudes in our lives do shitty dude things and we reach out to each other for understanding, compassion, and healing.
Something that polyamory in particular has brought to my life as a huge bonus is a connection with women. I was a classic Chill Girl, having exclusively male friends and all-male social circles, until I started having poly relationships. Then, dating straight men, I was introduced to some amazing women through my male partners who I would not have gotten to know if we hadn't had that male partner bringing us together, since I didn't seek out women as friends.
Before I was poly, my experience with monogamous culture was that my male partners would tend to separate "girlfriends" from their women friends because monogamy, jealousy, possessiveness, etc. So it had to wait until I started dating people who fundamentally did not compartmentalize or separate out the women in their lives and who had women in their lives that did not compete with each other. Polyamory was the catalyst for me in finding these sorts of people.
Even when those women weren't poly themselves and they were platonic friends or family, it wasn't until I started dating polyamorously that I had the sorts of situations that fostered sisterhood bonds and taught me the value of relationships with women and non-cismen.
So, one thing that I can take away from even bad breakups, is that sometimes I get to build closer connections with women whom I would not otherwise have met if I hadn't dated a man they knew, and those closer connections came out of commiserating and expressing compassion and sympathy for said mutual man behaving poorly. This doesn't give men an excuse to behave poorly, of course, but it does at least give me something to take away from a bad situation that will bring value to my future.
Thank you, "women" in my life, for all your emotional labor and Relationship Management skills. Even though it's ridiculously unfair that we share the brunt of all that work, at least some of us recognize and acknowledge the value of that work and I am grateful for it.
If I have made any kind of connection with some of the women in my exes' lives, and those women aren't also total assholes (or haven't internalized the abuse he has subjected them to, causing them to side with their abuser and turn on his victims), then when the ex turns into a jerk during the breakup, sometimes the women reach out to me and I discover that I wasn't alone in being mistreated, and I end up building some pretty amazing friendships out of the wreckage.
My best friend is a metafore (metamour from before who still feels close enough that we don't want to give up the metamour connection even though we're technically not metamours anymore) whom we both broke up with our mutual partner for the same reason - his mishandling of all our various relationships.
I have another metafore who was smarter than I was and dumped his ass when he started to treat her the same way he treated me right before he dumped me. Neither of us speak to him anymore, but I still consider her a good friend.
I also know a few other women who were friends with various exes of mine who have shitty breakup skills (or, at least, they did with me) who I felt that we got closer after talking about the breakup because they also went through some shit, but as a not-girlfriend while I was a girlfriend, maybe didn't have anyone else to talk to about our similar experiences until I was also not a girlfriend and they extended some compassion over the guy who introduced us.
I have quite a few former metamours with whom I am on good terms with, but whatever breakup that happened to separate us as metamours didn't fall into my "bad breakup" category for me, so it's not a surprise that we're still on good terms.
But there's something that seems to happen among women (probably our socially-required emotional labor skills that facilitate our relationship building even among extended acquaintances like metamours and partner's friend) when the dudes in our lives do shitty dude things and we reach out to each other for understanding, compassion, and healing.
Something that polyamory in particular has brought to my life as a huge bonus is a connection with women. I was a classic Chill Girl, having exclusively male friends and all-male social circles, until I started having poly relationships. Then, dating straight men, I was introduced to some amazing women through my male partners who I would not have gotten to know if we hadn't had that male partner bringing us together, since I didn't seek out women as friends.
Before I was poly, my experience with monogamous culture was that my male partners would tend to separate "girlfriends" from their women friends because monogamy, jealousy, possessiveness, etc. So it had to wait until I started dating people who fundamentally did not compartmentalize or separate out the women in their lives and who had women in their lives that did not compete with each other. Polyamory was the catalyst for me in finding these sorts of people.
Even when those women weren't poly themselves and they were platonic friends or family, it wasn't until I started dating polyamorously that I had the sorts of situations that fostered sisterhood bonds and taught me the value of relationships with women and non-cismen.
So, one thing that I can take away from even bad breakups, is that sometimes I get to build closer connections with women whom I would not otherwise have met if I hadn't dated a man they knew, and those closer connections came out of commiserating and expressing compassion and sympathy for said mutual man behaving poorly. This doesn't give men an excuse to behave poorly, of course, but it does at least give me something to take away from a bad situation that will bring value to my future.
Thank you, "women" in my life, for all your emotional labor and Relationship Management skills. Even though it's ridiculously unfair that we share the brunt of all that work, at least some of us recognize and acknowledge the value of that work and I am grateful for it.
