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I'm watching one of my cop dramas (because I have a weakness for them) and this episode has a scene that very clearly illustrates a point.
A lot of people seem really confused on the whole "privacy vs. secrecy vs. transparency" thing. I've written about it before and even have a recent post with that phrase as the title. But some people don't seem to understand how one can be transparent and still maintain privacy.
I think it's really simple.
The plot involves a mass conspiracy that's been going on for several seasons, and recently the protagonist did a thing to thwart the agents of the conspiracy, and so needed to do it totally secretly, without the knowledge or assistance of the rest of the cop team, because mass conspiracy.
Now the conspiracy is doing its thing, and others on the team are starting to notice weird things are happening. But in order for the good guy plan to work, the silence needs to be maintained.
So, these are *cops* - detectives, no less. They're trained in the art of investigation. Lying to one's own teammate, especially in the course of the teammate doing their job and trying to solve crimes, is ASKING for crossed plot lines. This is how otherwise Good Guys end up suspicious and accidentally sabotaging the protagonist and furthering the schemes of the conspiracy.
So this character* didn't. This character was honest that there was *something* - yes, teammate, your instincts are correct, so please stop digging because you are right but I am keeping secrets for a reason.
That's all that is needed in romantic relationships too. If you trust them, then you let it go right there. If you don't, well, then you have other issues.
I can be honest with my partners and still respect privacy:
And as the person trying to maintain privacy, you can decide if this is the privacy you wish to stake your relationship on. But one can be transparent and maintain privacy at the same time. One can be *honest* about maintaining privacy. These are not mutually exclusive goals.
All too often, "honesty" is put in opposition to some other goal, like "kindness" or "privacy", as if you can only have one or the other. Most of the time, you can have both. But it takes trust going both ways in a relationship, and courage to be vulnerable and to stand one's ground, all of which require a foundation of good communication so that both people in the relationship *know* or feel confident about the trust and the safety of their vulnerability and in themselves to stand their ground.
But a good relationship does not require you to sacrifice something else important in order to be honest. If you feel that you are forced into this dichotomy, you are probably not in a healthy relationship.
*It's probably not a coincident that the teammate / boss who chose to be honest and just ask for trust is a female character. Male characters, especially cops, tend to bluster and bluff and let their egos get in the way. The female character relied on her relationship history. I doubt that was a deliberate feminist critique of emotional labor, but I also don't think it was an accident that this is the dialog chosen for her and had it been one of the male characters or had her character been portrayed by a man, I believe this exchange would have gone differently.
A lot of people seem really confused on the whole "privacy vs. secrecy vs. transparency" thing. I've written about it before and even have a recent post with that phrase as the title. But some people don't seem to understand how one can be transparent and still maintain privacy.
I think it's really simple.
"But boss!"That's it.
"No, I'm asking you to trust me, please. I can't tell you what's going on right now, but I promise I will tell you when I am able to. For now, just drop it."
The plot involves a mass conspiracy that's been going on for several seasons, and recently the protagonist did a thing to thwart the agents of the conspiracy, and so needed to do it totally secretly, without the knowledge or assistance of the rest of the cop team, because mass conspiracy.
Now the conspiracy is doing its thing, and others on the team are starting to notice weird things are happening. But in order for the good guy plan to work, the silence needs to be maintained.
So, these are *cops* - detectives, no less. They're trained in the art of investigation. Lying to one's own teammate, especially in the course of the teammate doing their job and trying to solve crimes, is ASKING for crossed plot lines. This is how otherwise Good Guys end up suspicious and accidentally sabotaging the protagonist and furthering the schemes of the conspiracy.
So this character* didn't. This character was honest that there was *something* - yes, teammate, your instincts are correct, so please stop digging because you are right but I am keeping secrets for a reason.
That's all that is needed in romantic relationships too. If you trust them, then you let it go right there. If you don't, well, then you have other issues.
I can be honest with my partners and still respect privacy:
I'm sorry, sweetie, I love you, but that's not my story to tell.You can decide how much trust you want to give to a partner who requests privacy. You can decide that whatever they don't wish to share with you is a deal-breaker. That's your right. But privacy is *their* right.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you not to pry because this is a personal matter that I don't want to share.
Yes, you are noticing something correctly. I am not telling you everything. There is a reason for that, and I will be able to tell you soon, but not now. Please trust me.
Yes, there is something bothering me but I do not want / cannot go into it right now, please drop the subject. I will let you know when I can talk about it.
And as the person trying to maintain privacy, you can decide if this is the privacy you wish to stake your relationship on. But one can be transparent and maintain privacy at the same time. One can be *honest* about maintaining privacy. These are not mutually exclusive goals.
All too often, "honesty" is put in opposition to some other goal, like "kindness" or "privacy", as if you can only have one or the other. Most of the time, you can have both. But it takes trust going both ways in a relationship, and courage to be vulnerable and to stand one's ground, all of which require a foundation of good communication so that both people in the relationship *know* or feel confident about the trust and the safety of their vulnerability and in themselves to stand their ground.
But a good relationship does not require you to sacrifice something else important in order to be honest. If you feel that you are forced into this dichotomy, you are probably not in a healthy relationship.
*It's probably not a coincident that the teammate / boss who chose to be honest and just ask for trust is a female character. Male characters, especially cops, tend to bluster and bluff and let their egos get in the way. The female character relied on her relationship history. I doubt that was a deliberate feminist critique of emotional labor, but I also don't think it was an accident that this is the dialog chosen for her and had it been one of the male characters or had her character been portrayed by a man, I believe this exchange would have gone differently.
