joreth: (Default)
so when do the bombs start falling?

I'm very happy right now.  I'm bouncy.  I had to say it because I'm so happy and I can't keep it silent but no one that I talk to about stuff like this is online right now so I'm effusing all over LJ.  This scares me.  It can't possibly remain this good for very long.


Today, my sweetie [livejournal.com profile] zen_shooter and I had a wonderful chat with my other sweetie  [livejournal.com profile] tacit via webcam (since  [livejournal.com profile] tacit lives in Atlanta and we're stuck here in Orlando).  I would have preferred to all be in person, but hey, we make do with what we have.  

[info]zen_shooter and  [personal profile] tacithave known each other for years, both being involved with the local poly groups, and they are on friendly terms, but I wouldn't necessarily call them "friends" as they've never exchanged phone numbers or emails or bothered to keep in touch with each other outside of the poly meetings and overlapping social circles.  But they're friendly with each other and don't seem to have any issue or problem with each other.  They have some differing opinions on things and some similar opinions on things, and they're both incredibly intelligent people who are capable of discussing a number of topics from mundane, to political, to just plain geeky.  I'm thrilled, and the conversation today was humorous and comfortable.

I'm very nervous.

The last time I thought my partner and I had similar ideas on how to relate in a relationship, it took nearly 2 years before I extricated myself from someone who, in practice, had very different ideas on relationships than I.  We talked ... a lot.  Somewhere in those talks, surely something would have caught my attention, said "nope, I don't want a relationship that looks like that".  But even while we were talking the same talk, we were definately not walking the same walk.  I started out very happy - I even let myself begin to think of "us" in a future tense.  I spent many months being not so very happy.

I'm very happy, I'm wanting to spend all my free time with [info]zen_shooter and I get all excited at the sound of [livejournal.com profile] tacit's voice or his sweet little Yahoo! kiss.  It just brightens up my day to see "Hi sweetie" pop up on my screen or hear "hey you!" in my ear when [livejournal.com profile] tacit contacts me, or to see that *look* that [info]zen_shooter gives me that just warms his blue eyes and says he's thinking warm thoughts about me.

I'm terrifed it's not all what it seems.  I'm walking a tightrope, constantly evaluating my feelings, trying to make sure they're based on reality and not some flightly hopefulness that is clouding my judgement.

Life is good.

I have two sweeties who seem to genuinely adore me (as I do them) while still remaining concerned and considerate of their other partners (thank god I'm not anyone's obsession for once!), I have a FWB who offers absolutely no complications and no intrusions into my life or my space, but who clearly is turned on by the very thought of me (as I do him), another FWB who is, in addition to being attracted to me actually seems to enjoy my friendship (again, reciprocated by me towards him), another sweetie who is about as low-maintenance as one can get, I have two sweet, fluffy cats to make me laugh and give me cuddles when I'm alone, and I have the job I've always dreamed of that is finally paying me enough money that I'm no longer "starving for my art".

Life is frightening.

How much longer before all my various sweeties and partners decide I'm more trouble than I'm worth, or they discover some quirk about me they overlooked before that they just can't stand?  How much longer before my kitties start showing signs of age and/or poor health?  How much longer can my streak of high-paying gigs run before I hit a dry spell or piss someone off who has the power to hurt my career?

I'm so very pleased with life right now that even those questions aren't dampening my spirits.  I just spent the last 2 days with [info]zen_shooter mostly at his house and I'm still not sick of him, I still want to be with him.  I feel comfortable reading my book or working on my laptop or generally going about my business with him still near, and I like him still near.  I miss  [personal profile] tacitand want to see him more often but I'm finding myself growing closer to him and being less and less afraid of our developing relationship, even while the distance keeps us the furthest apart physically that we've ever been.  

I've had more than a week off of work and I'm not worried because I have more money in the bank than I've had since I quit my office job and steady salary.  Which is not to say that I have a lot of money, but I've had some years where I had to search my carseat for quarters to buy ramen.  I have several gigs booked for this week, and they're not as high-paying as some of my gigs, but it's work and I love my work.  I love the combination of physical activity and mental stimulation, of working with old friends and meeting someone new on every show, of having work booked and on the schedule for a couple of weeks in advance but knowing that the schedule can and will change at any given moment, often without notice.  I'm a study in contradictions.

My sister, who is 2 years younger than I am, had a conversation with me and one of her old high school friends last time I went home to visit.  She and her friend are both single mothers and they're starting to notice the passage of time the way that children, teenagers, and even the young adults don't seem to notice.  They're watching their children get taller and develop into themselves when it feels like only yesterday they were changing their diapers.  The conversation included many comments revolving around fear of aging.  They're in their late 20s and they see the Big 3-0 looming ever nearer.  I kept mostly silent until they both surreptiously looked over at me, as it occurred to them that my 30th birthday was in a few days after this conversation took place.  Here was my response:

I don't fear turning 30.  I look forward to it.  27 was a pretty good year.  28 was better and 29 was even better than that.  I can't wait to see what 30 has in store for me.  My life just keeps getting better as I understand myself more and I make more conscious choices to make my life look the way I want it to look.  I have designed my life to look a certain way and everything I do is with the intention of making my life look that way.  The end result is that I love my life. 

Now, clearly I have had downs along with the ups.  I've journaled about most of them.  In fact, I recall a particular post that had no details, just an expression of sadness and loss.  But my overall feeling about how I've lived my life so far is one of enjoyment and satisfaction that just happens to include some downsides that are merely part of the experience of being human.  The pain sucks, but it only serves to remind me that I'm still alive, and that everything else is that much better by comparison.   Suffering is horrible when you're going through it, but I've always understood that eventually it will fade or end, and so far it always has.  And in between the moments of suffering are progressively longer and longer periods of happiness.

[info]zen_shooter just left.  I have to work for tomorrow, so I can't spend the day with him.  But I love my job so I look forward to that.  And he wants to see me after work.  Even after 2 and a half straight days together, he still wants to see me again as soon as it can be arranged.  Yet, even with all the time spent together, he still takes time out to have his regular phone calls with [profile] may_dryad, his other gf, and is concerned for her feelings and wants to reassure her that he still loves her.  This makes me happy.  He is concerned for me when he takes time out to talk to her.  That's sweet, yet he doesn't compromise his time with her.  I like that.  I hope I have made myself clear that I'm glad he wants to talk to her and I don't feel slighted when he tries to give her his attention even though I'm over at his house.  It really does make me feel better about choosing him as a partner and about my relationship with him that he cares so much about [profile] may_dryad and is so concerned for how this budding relationship is affecting her.

I will be seeing  [personal profile] tacitat the end of the month for Dragoncon.  I am so eagerly awaiting the end of the month when I can see him again.  I can hardly sit still at the thought of the next time I can be with him.  I've changed so much over the course of our relationship, and I attribute a lot of those changes to him.  I feel they are positive changes and are directly responsible for my growing enjoyment with life.  I can't even imagine life without him in it anymore.

Life is good.
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