Complimentary Etiquette PSA

[joreth]

Everyone knows that I am opposed to complimenting strangers on their appearance as a blanket rule. But some people "just can't help themselves"! Hey, "it's a compliment, you should be flattered!" "But I'm not one of Those Guys!"

So, fine, since you're doing your best to convince me that men are slavering idiots who can't control themselves in public, that you can't intuitively figure out how to be compassionate and considerate human beings without clear guidelines, and that teh poor menz feelings about giving a compliment trumps the recipients feelings about receiving the "compliment", at least learn how to compliment properly.

If you absolutely can not restrain yourself from complimenting someone on their physical appearance, here's how you do it correctly:

1. Choose something that they deliberately did to themselves, like their wardrobe or their hair style (if they have an obvious style - mine is just straight down, that's not a "style", that's "I was too lazy to do anything with it today").
   


2. Tell them that the thing itself is attractive, such as "that's a very pretty dress you have on" or "your necklace is really cool!" or "I love how you did your hair!". DO NOT tell them that their body is attractive in that item of clothing or that the thing they did to themselves makes their body attractive. And for fuck's sake, do not allude, imply, or outright state anything about sexuality. At all. "Hey baby, lookin' good in that dress!" is not appropriate.
   


3. If they overreact (in your opinion) or take it the "wrong way", slightly tilt your head down in an apologetic manner and back away. You have no idea what they have been going through that led them to that reaction, so just give them space and move on. Then let it go. Do not come online and whine about that crazy bitch who couldn't take a compliment, even though you followed all the protocols us manhating feminazis insist on. Accept that it's not about you and let it go.
   


4. Repeat this mantra over and over in your head: "it's not about me, it's not about me". This means that the compliment you give should not be about you - it's about the recipient, and if the recipient doesn't like it, then you did it wrong because it should be about THEM and their values and preferences, not yours. This also means that the reaction is not necessarily about you. The recipient has no way of knowing who you are or what your motivations are, so they have to draw upon experience to evaluate the world around them and make decisions.

There ya go, 4 simple steps that even the complete and bumbling morons some of you keep trying to convince me that men are should be able to handle. Pick something the recipient did deliberately, tell them that it is attractive without referencing their body or sex, back away and give them space, and accept that this whole thing is not about you personally.

Now, I happen to know quite a few man-identified persons who are perfectly capable of grasping this concept on their own, and even more who can understand it once it was explained, so I still refuse to believe those of you who seem hell-bent on maintaining that men are barely more than wild animals who tolerate domestication in exchange for sexy privileges. But this should be simple enough even for those types.

Then again, I could still be over-estimating the capacity of men. It's a flaw I have - assuming that men can be decent human beings, capable of rational thought and compassionate behaviour. It's one of those crazy lessons I learned from feminists (although I didn't know they were feminists at the time, nor did I realize at the time that this lesson was a feminist lesson).

Comments

[robin goodfellow (from livejournal.com)]

Well said. *sighs at mansplainers who still don't get it*

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

Musing a bit here about the overlap between 1 and 2, where the something they did to themselves was specifically to their body. Such as an athletic, detailed physique from long training.

I admire muscles on women, on several levels. It shows self-discipline. It shows a challenge to tradition. It shows dedication and displays practical usefulness and general badassery. To me, it's also hot and sexy.

I used to get bad results, complimenting women on their muscles. Mostly, this was because I was primarily trying to flirt, and it was usually in the gym where the woman would rather be concentrating on working out. So I pretty much stopped doing that. And when I do say anything, I praise her for looking "strong" or "powerful", as opposed to "hot" or "sexy."

The best sign that I may be doing it right is that in recent years, sometimes a woman at the gym sees me looking at her, she no longer looks annoyed, but smiles, occasionally even gives me a little flex. Seems to me, that means she considers me safe. The old truism about banks being willing to lend to those who don't need it comes to mind. I'm married. I'm not looking; therefore I am harmless, and the pleasures of minor non-serious flirting are there when they used not to be.