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Let me tell you a little story. I was at a fetish event recently, and I witnessed the following encounter:
A very small, dainty-looking young girl, early twenties at best, approached the head honcho of this event while I was speaking to him. He asked her how she was doing, and she confessed that she came outside to where we were standing to escape a "creepy guy". The head honcho asked her what was wrong, and she told us that there was a guy inside who was being "creepy" towards her and she had had enough.
You see, she was a submissive girl, young, petite, and collared to her Daddy. And, apparently to Mr. Creepy, that meant that she was fair game. He kept approaching her to tell her things like "I'll be your Daddy" and "Daddy says..." He apparently went to strike her at one point (or offered to, I'm unclear which) and she said, flat out, "my Daddy did not give you permission to hit me!" But that didn't stop him. Oh no, he kept intruding on her space and forcing her to defend her boundaries when what she really wanted was to just run around naked and not think about things like personal safety. She wanted to be in her role as a submissive to her Daddy, but that did not mean that she was anyone else's sub.
As she told this story, Honcho got more and more stone-faced. Finally, he cut her off and said "oh, he's not a bad guy, you just have to get used to his sense of humor!" She said "no, he is really bothering me!" So Honcho said "look, you're a sub and you're pretty, you have to expect that Doms are going to want to order you around. Just be a good little girl and do as you're told and there won't be any problems!"
The others standing nearby, all women, nodded their heads in agreement and gave more advice on how to be a proper submissive in The Lifestyle. I could see the subbie was becoming more and more defensive, and more and more withdrawn. She looked cornered, ganged up on, and as if she was ready to bolt. Or cry.
I'm sure many of you reading this right now are probably thinking how horrible this was for the poor subbie. Some of you are probably also remembering witnessing similar events, or even participating in them - either as the subbie, or as those Lifestyle Cops, trying to tell some poor, confused girl that she deserved what she got because she wasn't playing the role properly.
And probably some of you are saying "I don't get it, what's the big deal? He didn't touch her, he just said some things to her. She has her Daddy there to protect her - look, she even said that part about her Daddy not giving the guy permission to hit her, so she's totally safe. Mr. Creepy is probably just socially awkward and now you're just telling us this story to make all us guys feel bad just for being guys. Honcho was right, she just needs to relax and take it as a compliment that this guy wants to play with her. You just want to keep anyone from flirting with anyone ever again and then the whole human race will die out because no one will ever get laid again!"
Except this scene never happened. Well, actually, it has happened ... thousands of time in many different places. But this is not the scene that I witnessed and that I am referencing now. Let me tell you what did really happen.
Everything up to the "oh, he's not such a bad guy" is true. A small girl did come outside and a fetish event organizer did ask her how she was doing and she did tell us the story of a creepy guy who was bothering her. When Honcho said "oh, he's not such a bad guy", she cut him off and said "no, he is, he has been doing this..." and gave examples of things that Mr. Creepy said that were intrusive and presumptive. Mr. Creepy clearly took the position that she was a sub and he was a Dom, therefore she should submit to him.
And this girl was having none of that. So she complained. And Honcho, after one attempt to smooth ruffled feathers, listened to her tell her story. And when subbie was done, he said, "OK, I'll take care of it." And those standing around who overheard all nodded their heads in satisfaction and everyone went about their business as Honcho went inside to deal with Mr. Creepy.
Listen up people in the BDSM community and the skeptics community and the atheists community and the sci-fi geek fandom community. THIS IS HOW YOU DEAL WITH THIS PROBLEM.
A girl felt uncomfortable with a guy taking liberties with her chosen role as a submissive. She complained to the man in charge. The man in charge tried to soothe her & smooth over potential conflict first, but when she repeated that it was a problem, he shut the fuck up and listened to her. And then he took care of it. He gave her, and by extension all of his guests, a safety net. He provided a safe place for her to voice a complaint, with no retribution for bringing a problem to his attention. He understood, if not exactly why this was so bothersome (maybe he did, I don't know), that when the organizers are not proactive in making spaces feel safe to women, that women stop coming to those spaces.
This is the bare minimum of what I expect of any kind of community or event organizer. There was no hushing up of the event, no shaming her for complaining, no instance to excuse his behaviour behind "socially awkward" or the culture of Domism. And, I'll point out, he is a white, middle-aged, dominant male who has spent the majority of his life within the kink community and all the bullshit that goes with it.
But as an event organizer and community leader, his job is to listen to the complaints of his attendees and deal with the problems as they come up. Not to defend the status quo, not to put on a white-washed facade and pretend as though we never have problems like this, but to face them and deal with them. For the safety and comfort of all his attendees, but particularly those who have less power than those seeking to harm them. He recognized that it was in his best interest as an event organizer to handle this issue, not to sweep it under the rug and make this girl go away unsatisfied with his conflict resolution strategies.
Thank you for providing a place where I feel safe to play.
A very small, dainty-looking young girl, early twenties at best, approached the head honcho of this event while I was speaking to him. He asked her how she was doing, and she confessed that she came outside to where we were standing to escape a "creepy guy". The head honcho asked her what was wrong, and she told us that there was a guy inside who was being "creepy" towards her and she had had enough.
You see, she was a submissive girl, young, petite, and collared to her Daddy. And, apparently to Mr. Creepy, that meant that she was fair game. He kept approaching her to tell her things like "I'll be your Daddy" and "Daddy says..." He apparently went to strike her at one point (or offered to, I'm unclear which) and she said, flat out, "my Daddy did not give you permission to hit me!" But that didn't stop him. Oh no, he kept intruding on her space and forcing her to defend her boundaries when what she really wanted was to just run around naked and not think about things like personal safety. She wanted to be in her role as a submissive to her Daddy, but that did not mean that she was anyone else's sub.
As she told this story, Honcho got more and more stone-faced. Finally, he cut her off and said "oh, he's not a bad guy, you just have to get used to his sense of humor!" She said "no, he is really bothering me!" So Honcho said "look, you're a sub and you're pretty, you have to expect that Doms are going to want to order you around. Just be a good little girl and do as you're told and there won't be any problems!"
The others standing nearby, all women, nodded their heads in agreement and gave more advice on how to be a proper submissive in The Lifestyle. I could see the subbie was becoming more and more defensive, and more and more withdrawn. She looked cornered, ganged up on, and as if she was ready to bolt. Or cry.
I'm sure many of you reading this right now are probably thinking how horrible this was for the poor subbie. Some of you are probably also remembering witnessing similar events, or even participating in them - either as the subbie, or as those Lifestyle Cops, trying to tell some poor, confused girl that she deserved what she got because she wasn't playing the role properly.
And probably some of you are saying "I don't get it, what's the big deal? He didn't touch her, he just said some things to her. She has her Daddy there to protect her - look, she even said that part about her Daddy not giving the guy permission to hit her, so she's totally safe. Mr. Creepy is probably just socially awkward and now you're just telling us this story to make all us guys feel bad just for being guys. Honcho was right, she just needs to relax and take it as a compliment that this guy wants to play with her. You just want to keep anyone from flirting with anyone ever again and then the whole human race will die out because no one will ever get laid again!"
Except this scene never happened. Well, actually, it has happened ... thousands of time in many different places. But this is not the scene that I witnessed and that I am referencing now. Let me tell you what did really happen.
Everything up to the "oh, he's not such a bad guy" is true. A small girl did come outside and a fetish event organizer did ask her how she was doing and she did tell us the story of a creepy guy who was bothering her. When Honcho said "oh, he's not such a bad guy", she cut him off and said "no, he is, he has been doing this..." and gave examples of things that Mr. Creepy said that were intrusive and presumptive. Mr. Creepy clearly took the position that she was a sub and he was a Dom, therefore she should submit to him.
And this girl was having none of that. So she complained. And Honcho, after one attempt to smooth ruffled feathers, listened to her tell her story. And when subbie was done, he said, "OK, I'll take care of it." And those standing around who overheard all nodded their heads in satisfaction and everyone went about their business as Honcho went inside to deal with Mr. Creepy.
Listen up people in the BDSM community and the skeptics community and the atheists community and the sci-fi geek fandom community. THIS IS HOW YOU DEAL WITH THIS PROBLEM.
A girl felt uncomfortable with a guy taking liberties with her chosen role as a submissive. She complained to the man in charge. The man in charge tried to soothe her & smooth over potential conflict first, but when she repeated that it was a problem, he shut the fuck up and listened to her. And then he took care of it. He gave her, and by extension all of his guests, a safety net. He provided a safe place for her to voice a complaint, with no retribution for bringing a problem to his attention. He understood, if not exactly why this was so bothersome (maybe he did, I don't know), that when the organizers are not proactive in making spaces feel safe to women, that women stop coming to those spaces.
This is the bare minimum of what I expect of any kind of community or event organizer. There was no hushing up of the event, no shaming her for complaining, no instance to excuse his behaviour behind "socially awkward" or the culture of Domism. And, I'll point out, he is a white, middle-aged, dominant male who has spent the majority of his life within the kink community and all the bullshit that goes with it.
But as an event organizer and community leader, his job is to listen to the complaints of his attendees and deal with the problems as they come up. Not to defend the status quo, not to put on a white-washed facade and pretend as though we never have problems like this, but to face them and deal with them. For the safety and comfort of all his attendees, but particularly those who have less power than those seeking to harm them. He recognized that it was in his best interest as an event organizer to handle this issue, not to sweep it under the rug and make this girl go away unsatisfied with his conflict resolution strategies.
Thank you for providing a place where I feel safe to play.
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no subject
Date: 7/29/12 04:39 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 8/3/12 11:33 pm (UTC)From:Holding space
Date: 7/29/12 05:37 am (UTC)From:The one thing I'm left wondering in your story is the extent to which in the "official" narrative, there is an expectation that the Dom with which said Sub arrived (or is playing) is supposed to provide protection from others ("don't you touch my Sub without asking me first"). The historical (patriarchal) received wisdom was basically along those lines: the patriarch was supposed to protect those under him (reality... varied). (Which isn't to stay she shouldn't have gone straight to the person looking after the space, or that he shouldn't have been responsible for acting. But I'm left curious whether there's another expected protocol too, or if the "I'm a Dom, you're a Sub, I can Dom all Subs" mindset has... conveniently forgotten that bit of context.)
Ewen
no subject
Date: 7/29/12 01:35 pm (UTC)From:I'm sure it still goes on, but there's an institutional attempt to deal with it.
no subject
Date: 7/29/12 08:34 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 7/30/12 12:20 am (UTC)From:Frazier often describes the difference between a dirty old man and a creepy old man as part of the intro.