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I am really fucking irritated at people who say "relax, it's not a big deal" when someone complains about something* that bothers them. Either:
1) It is a fucking big deal or they wouldn't have complained, and you just dismissed their concerns as unimportant.
or
2) Of course it's not a big deal, that's why they just bitched about it instead of calling the cops. So let them bitch about it because it's a little deal, but it's still a deal.
or
3) Yeah, maybe this one particular instance isn't a big deal, but a pound of feathers still weighs as much as a pound of rocks and a lot of little deals add up to a big deal over time, or maybe by itself it's not a big deal but it's a symptom of a really big deal like racism or sexism or slut-shaming or persecution, in which case, you're a big jackass for dismissing them.
So the next time someone complains about something that you think isn't a "big deal" and your solution to them is to just not go to that forum or hit the delete key or don't talk to someone or to avoid that bar or any other option that involves ignoring the problem, take your own damn advice and shut the fuck up and let the complainer complain. Maybe what he or she has to say is important and you're just too obtuse to get it, but the more voices we have being raised against whatever the complaint is, the less of a problem it will become. Or maybe it's not important and if you ignore it, it'll go away (can we say Streisand Effect?).
*It shouldn't need to be said, but that, of course, means that it needs to be said: This is a generalization, and there are times when an individual person knows another individual person and knows the specifics of the individual event in question along with the individual reactions necessary for dealing with that other individual person that can all lead to a specific circumstance in which it is appropriate to tell someone to relax, that it's not a big deal. Me telling my mother, for example, that she should practice her computer skills by starting up Excel, creating a fake document, and clicking on buttons to see what they do, and don't worry if she deletes the file because it's a fake one meant for that purpose so it's not a big deal ... that's an example of when it's OK to say something like that. But when a woman complains about a rape joke or a larger person complains about the leg and seat room on an airplane or a poor person complains about the rich getting tax breaks, or any decent person complaining about anti-gay legislation - don't tell that person "it's not a big deal".
**This is a repeat of several other posts, including this one. Apparently it bears repeating.
1) It is a fucking big deal or they wouldn't have complained, and you just dismissed their concerns as unimportant.
or
2) Of course it's not a big deal, that's why they just bitched about it instead of calling the cops. So let them bitch about it because it's a little deal, but it's still a deal.
or
3) Yeah, maybe this one particular instance isn't a big deal, but a pound of feathers still weighs as much as a pound of rocks and a lot of little deals add up to a big deal over time, or maybe by itself it's not a big deal but it's a symptom of a really big deal like racism or sexism or slut-shaming or persecution, in which case, you're a big jackass for dismissing them.
So the next time someone complains about something that you think isn't a "big deal" and your solution to them is to just not go to that forum or hit the delete key or don't talk to someone or to avoid that bar or any other option that involves ignoring the problem, take your own damn advice and shut the fuck up and let the complainer complain. Maybe what he or she has to say is important and you're just too obtuse to get it, but the more voices we have being raised against whatever the complaint is, the less of a problem it will become. Or maybe it's not important and if you ignore it, it'll go away (can we say Streisand Effect?).
*It shouldn't need to be said, but that, of course, means that it needs to be said: This is a generalization, and there are times when an individual person knows another individual person and knows the specifics of the individual event in question along with the individual reactions necessary for dealing with that other individual person that can all lead to a specific circumstance in which it is appropriate to tell someone to relax, that it's not a big deal. Me telling my mother, for example, that she should practice her computer skills by starting up Excel, creating a fake document, and clicking on buttons to see what they do, and don't worry if she deletes the file because it's a fake one meant for that purpose so it's not a big deal ... that's an example of when it's OK to say something like that. But when a woman complains about a rape joke or a larger person complains about the leg and seat room on an airplane or a poor person complains about the rich getting tax breaks, or any decent person complaining about anti-gay legislation - don't tell that person "it's not a big deal".
**This is a repeat of several other posts, including this one. Apparently it bears repeating.
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no subject
Date: 7/14/12 02:59 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 7/15/12 09:26 pm (UTC)From:anytime someone does this to me it smacks of pure insensitivity and laziness (or indifference), and it speaks volumes at their level of commitment and investment in the friendship/relationship. overall, it's a commentary on the state of empathy in our society...something that is profoundly lacking in my opinion. people are so caught up in a "what's in it for me?" mentality that they fail to realize how rewarding it is to simply be there for someone in need by listening wholeheartedly. one of my favorites quotes that speaks to this is:
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
―Henri J.M. Nouwen