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Him: "Can love be split?"
Her: "It's not that it's cut in half. It doubles."
~My Wife Got Married
Her: "It's not that it's cut in half. It doubles."
~My Wife Got Married
One of the biggest fears, it seems, from monogamous people faced with the possibility of polyamory is the scarcity model of love. The idea is that love is a finite quantity that we have to give to another person. Therefore, when someone new comes along, there will be less love for the pre-existing partner. Oh, it's often couched in more reasonable concerns, like finite time, but when you really unpack the idea and get down to the root, it usually has to do with the idea that your partner doesn't love you enough, or as much, if they love someone else.
Here's the thing: let's say you and I are in a relationship and that I love you. My love for you is my gift to you. It's something I feel and it's something I do, but most of all, it's for you. Now let's say that a new guy comes along and I love him too. You know that gift I gave you, my love? It's still my gift to you. I'm not taking any of it back. That love belongs to you. I'm a human person, so I do not belong to you. But my love for you is a gift I freely give to you. That love is comprised of all the things I like and admire about you, all our common interests, and, most importantly, all our shared history. It is a one-of-a-kind, completely-unique-in-all-the-world gift, tailor-made just for you.
This new guy, he gets my love too. But he doesn't get the love I gave to you. That is yours, and yours alone. No, he gets his own gift of my love that I will give to him. It is made up of all the things I like and admire about him, all our common interests, and, most importantly, all our newly-shared experiences that will one day become our shared history. The love that I give to the new guy is a one-of-a-kind, completely-unique-in-all-the-world gift, tailor-made just for him. It did not require taking any love back from your gift to make his because it is made only of those things that are a part of him, and a part of he and I together.
The love that I give to you comes from a wellspring of emotion that only exists because you exist. Without you, that love does not exist. It arose into being, building from a trickle to a deep reservoir, only because of you. The love that I give to the new guy comes from a SECOND wellspring of emotion that only exists because he exists. Without him, that love does not exist. That love that I give to him did not exist before him, and if someday, I cease to love him, that love will not go back into a communal pool of love that was deficient without his share and that now you can draw upon. If I cease to love him, that love will cease to exist. Your love, the love I have gifted to you, remains yours, and yours alone, as does the love I have gifted to him.
Our shared history, and all those things about you that make you who you are, can never be duplicated. No matter how smart, how funny, how good looking he might be, no matter what restaurants we go to, no matter what sexual positions we get into, no matter how much time I spend with him, he will never be you and my time with him will never be my time with you. My love for you is made for you. Even if you and I were to ever part, that history still exists, and that history is irreplicable with anyone else.
When I fell in love with you, I gave you all the love I had to give. My love is partly what I feel, and partly what I do, and it comes from who you are and who we are together. When he comes along, my love for you is not split in half to give him some. My love for you remains my love for you. Instead, my love doubles - the love I give to you, and the new love I have created for him. And, if we're open to it, possibly a tripling of love, that is the love that gets created for the three of us together.
Here's the thing: let's say you and I are in a relationship and that I love you. My love for you is my gift to you. It's something I feel and it's something I do, but most of all, it's for you. Now let's say that a new guy comes along and I love him too. You know that gift I gave you, my love? It's still my gift to you. I'm not taking any of it back. That love belongs to you. I'm a human person, so I do not belong to you. But my love for you is a gift I freely give to you. That love is comprised of all the things I like and admire about you, all our common interests, and, most importantly, all our shared history. It is a one-of-a-kind, completely-unique-in-all-the-world gift, tailor-made just for you.
This new guy, he gets my love too. But he doesn't get the love I gave to you. That is yours, and yours alone. No, he gets his own gift of my love that I will give to him. It is made up of all the things I like and admire about him, all our common interests, and, most importantly, all our newly-shared experiences that will one day become our shared history. The love that I give to the new guy is a one-of-a-kind, completely-unique-in-all-the-world gift, tailor-made just for him. It did not require taking any love back from your gift to make his because it is made only of those things that are a part of him, and a part of he and I together.
The love that I give to you comes from a wellspring of emotion that only exists because you exist. Without you, that love does not exist. It arose into being, building from a trickle to a deep reservoir, only because of you. The love that I give to the new guy comes from a SECOND wellspring of emotion that only exists because he exists. Without him, that love does not exist. That love that I give to him did not exist before him, and if someday, I cease to love him, that love will not go back into a communal pool of love that was deficient without his share and that now you can draw upon. If I cease to love him, that love will cease to exist. Your love, the love I have gifted to you, remains yours, and yours alone, as does the love I have gifted to him.
Our shared history, and all those things about you that make you who you are, can never be duplicated. No matter how smart, how funny, how good looking he might be, no matter what restaurants we go to, no matter what sexual positions we get into, no matter how much time I spend with him, he will never be you and my time with him will never be my time with you. My love for you is made for you. Even if you and I were to ever part, that history still exists, and that history is irreplicable with anyone else.
When I fell in love with you, I gave you all the love I had to give. My love is partly what I feel, and partly what I do, and it comes from who you are and who we are together. When he comes along, my love for you is not split in half to give him some. My love for you remains my love for you. Instead, my love doubles - the love I give to you, and the new love I have created for him. And, if we're open to it, possibly a tripling of love, that is the love that gets created for the three of us together.
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no subject
Date: 2/27/11 01:10 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)no subject
Date: 2/27/11 04:48 pm (UTC)From:I also will not get into a relationship with a guy who isn't poly, regardless of how I feel about him, so that simply isn't ever going to happen for me. I understand how it is possible to really, truly, and deeply love someone and not make a good partner for him, so your whole premise falls apart.
no subject
Date: 3/1/11 05:42 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 3/3/11 12:18 am (UTC)From:However, to paraphrase the immortal words of
no subject
Date: 3/1/11 05:43 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 3/3/11 12:18 am (UTC)From: