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The following was inspired by a post on my Facebook friends' list that said "If she says 'I don't believe in or celebrate Valentine's Day', don't believe her"
I'm so sick of the belief that women do, or should, say one thing when they mean another, and the accomodation of those individual women who do actually do this.
First of all, we are not all the same person, so we do not all think the same things. I most certainly do not say one thing and think another, like saying "I don't celebrate v-day" but mean "if you don't buy me something, you're in trouble".
Second, if she says "I don't believe in or celebrate v-day", tell her that you will take her exactly at her word because you trust her to tell you the truth, and that if she ever changes her mind, to let you know because you'll be happy to celebrate with her if it is meaningful to her, since her happiness is integral to your own. And then let her either stick to her story or change her mind. If she sticks to her story but doesn't mean it, then it's her own damn fault for lying when you give her a warning & an out like that.
Third - a "white lie" is never harmless. All lies block paths to intimacy. You can be tactful without lying, even by omission.
To have a truly secure relationship based in love and trust, such a relationship can withstand some harsh truths, especially if said with kindness and compassion. If the issue really was "not a big deal", as the phrase "white lie" implies, then the lie is worthless and only undermines your credibility for no good reason. If the lie is covering up something big, then it is even more important that the truth be spoken.
Our partners are not mind readers, and they should not be punished for failing to do that which is impossible. If we tell them something, they should have every reason to believe we are telling them the truth. What kind of relationship is it, when the automatic, default assumption is that one person is always lying?
I don't know about you, but the last time some guy treated me according to how some other woman used to behave, I got pretty pissed off. This seems to me like one of those things that it might be safe to make a generalization about - if you act as though your new girlfriend was exactly the same as your old girlfriend, the odds are that she is likely to not respond well. If many women were to get upset at knowing that their boyfriends were treating them as if they were exactly the same person as their old girlfriend, i.e. interchangeable commodities, then wouldn't you think these same women would not be pushing the idea that all men should treat all women as if all women are lying, deceitful people? But no, both men and women seem to like to tell men "this is what all women value, so treat all of your partners exactly the same way, even though you are no longer with your former partners, so clearly your methods didn't work in the last relationship".
You know how you just can't seem to "figure women out"? I'll give you the secret answer: WE'RE NOT THE SAME FUCKING PERSON. That's why you can't "figure women out" - as soon as you think you figure one out, you meet another who does it different. As soon as someone else tells you What Women Want, your wife or girlfriend goes and does something unexpected. If you try to find the grand, unifying formula to all women, you are doomed to not understand us for the rest of your life. Your better option is to work at understanding the one whom you are with right now, and get to know her well. If there are several, you'll just have to get to know each one of them. Oh no! You actually have to put in the effort to TALK to each of them (either all your partners now, or the several you will have in your lifetime) and get to know them, and you have to do it over and over again! Horror of horrors! Sorry honey, but there is no cheat-sheet to women, we are unique works in progress, and not only are we not exactly like any other woman you've ever known, but we won't be exactly the same as ourselves over time. You'll just have to suck it up and pay attention.*
I have a revolutionary idea: how about we tell our loved ones what we *really* want out of our relationships - so they can better offer us the kind of relationship we want? We can't reasonably expect to get what we don't ask for.
*This whole thing also applies in reverse - but the example that set off this rant was a specific gender situation, so I'm keeping the pronouns the same for simplicity.
I'm so sick of the belief that women do, or should, say one thing when they mean another, and the accomodation of those individual women who do actually do this.
First of all, we are not all the same person, so we do not all think the same things. I most certainly do not say one thing and think another, like saying "I don't celebrate v-day" but mean "if you don't buy me something, you're in trouble".
Second, if she says "I don't believe in or celebrate v-day", tell her that you will take her exactly at her word because you trust her to tell you the truth, and that if she ever changes her mind, to let you know because you'll be happy to celebrate with her if it is meaningful to her, since her happiness is integral to your own. And then let her either stick to her story or change her mind. If she sticks to her story but doesn't mean it, then it's her own damn fault for lying when you give her a warning & an out like that.
Third - a "white lie" is never harmless. All lies block paths to intimacy. You can be tactful without lying, even by omission.
To have a truly secure relationship based in love and trust, such a relationship can withstand some harsh truths, especially if said with kindness and compassion. If the issue really was "not a big deal", as the phrase "white lie" implies, then the lie is worthless and only undermines your credibility for no good reason. If the lie is covering up something big, then it is even more important that the truth be spoken.
Our partners are not mind readers, and they should not be punished for failing to do that which is impossible. If we tell them something, they should have every reason to believe we are telling them the truth. What kind of relationship is it, when the automatic, default assumption is that one person is always lying?
I don't know about you, but the last time some guy treated me according to how some other woman used to behave, I got pretty pissed off. This seems to me like one of those things that it might be safe to make a generalization about - if you act as though your new girlfriend was exactly the same as your old girlfriend, the odds are that she is likely to not respond well. If many women were to get upset at knowing that their boyfriends were treating them as if they were exactly the same person as their old girlfriend, i.e. interchangeable commodities, then wouldn't you think these same women would not be pushing the idea that all men should treat all women as if all women are lying, deceitful people? But no, both men and women seem to like to tell men "this is what all women value, so treat all of your partners exactly the same way, even though you are no longer with your former partners, so clearly your methods didn't work in the last relationship".
You know how you just can't seem to "figure women out"? I'll give you the secret answer: WE'RE NOT THE SAME FUCKING PERSON. That's why you can't "figure women out" - as soon as you think you figure one out, you meet another who does it different. As soon as someone else tells you What Women Want, your wife or girlfriend goes and does something unexpected. If you try to find the grand, unifying formula to all women, you are doomed to not understand us for the rest of your life. Your better option is to work at understanding the one whom you are with right now, and get to know her well. If there are several, you'll just have to get to know each one of them. Oh no! You actually have to put in the effort to TALK to each of them (either all your partners now, or the several you will have in your lifetime) and get to know them, and you have to do it over and over again! Horror of horrors! Sorry honey, but there is no cheat-sheet to women, we are unique works in progress, and not only are we not exactly like any other woman you've ever known, but we won't be exactly the same as ourselves over time. You'll just have to suck it up and pay attention.*
I have a revolutionary idea: how about we tell our loved ones what we *really* want out of our relationships - so they can better offer us the kind of relationship we want? We can't reasonably expect to get what we don't ask for.
*This whole thing also applies in reverse - but the example that set off this rant was a specific gender situation, so I'm keeping the pronouns the same for simplicity.
Update
Date: 2/15/11 03:28 am (UTC)From:Perhaps, just perhaps, if she had asked for what she had wanted, she might have gotten it. Or, maybe not, maybe the relationship had deeper problems other than lack of communication and willful deceit, but you can almost guarantee that not asking for it probably ensured that she did not get it.
no subject
Date: 2/15/11 12:36 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Did I mention thank you?!