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I often have people asking me sex advice. Not all from poly people either, but many non-polys ask me sex advice because, as I have been told by these seekers of sex-truth, my willingness to discuss the topic plus the demands that multi-partnering places on me to be self-critical, honest, explicit, and generally knowledgeable about sex equals someone that they feel comfortable discussing deeply personal and intimate subjects with and trusting that they will get a fact-based answer while simultaneously maintaining discretion. Boy, that was a mouthful of a run-on sentence!
Anyway, I get questions about sex. I get a lot of very similar questions from people in wildly different locations, backgrounds, and outlooks. Which leads me to believe that some of these questions and concerns are common, perhaps even endemic of our society. Of course, I don't have a true, scientific, sample population to make an unbiased judgement, but clearly, lots of different kinds of people have very similar kinds of fears.
This email is so incredibly typical in its content, that I feel I should make my answer public. Apparently, many men are still afraid their penis isn't big enough, and many women are still afraid of sex.
I have a new girlfriend and she married her high school sweetheart so she's only been with that one other person, and apparently he was "abnormally large." She is a small girl so she says it was always an issue, and that we "fit together" better. She says she enjoys everything with me and we've had a great time together, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking that since she's used to him being "abnormally large" that I just don't measure up... So, I guess my first question is the stupidest guy question there is: Does size matter?
My second question is actually more important- She also said that she doesn't/can't orgasm from intercourse, and due to other issues is not comfortable being touched/rubbed whatever... I'm not even allowed to go down on her. Is there a position or something that works better, or do you have any other suggestions??? She's against getting toys or anything so really it's all on me.
No, size really isn't important all by itself. It really is more important how you use it than how big or small it is, although how big or small it is might affect how you use it.
There are a few women who really are size queens, but for most women, size doesn't matter. Keep in mind that at some point the larger sizes cease to feel comfortable even if it's physically possible to fit it in. Anyway, the vast majority of women really DON'T like them big, and this whole big-dick thing is all in you guys' heads, and coming from other guys, not the girls. So, really, your size doesn't matter except in the inverse - that bigger is not only not always better, but is often much worse.
As for her orgasm, yes, it's totally normal that she can't orgasm during penetration. Many women can't. Most of the nerve endings are on the outside, not the inside, so many women can't orgasm during penetration alone, although many of us enjoy the feeling of being filled even without the orgasm. If a woman does orgasm during penetration, it's often because there was some friction on her clit too. Some women do have G-spot orgasms, but it's actually relatively rare, in spite of the magazine recommendations that all women should or can have them. It's also really uncomfortable to LEARN how to have a G-spot orgasm, because it involves pressure on the bladder, so even if more women are physically able to have a G-spot orgasm, many can't get past that feeling of needing to pee while being penetrated, so many just avoid G-spot stimulation because it's too much work for too small of a chance that it will pay off.
However, the key to good sex and to more orgasms is being comfortable and familiar with your own body. This means that if she wants to have more orgasms, the work is all on HER, not you. She needs to relax and do some exploration. If you can't give her oral sex, you can't use your hands, and you can't use toys, there's nothing else you can do except find positions that don't actively cause pain (and every woman is different for which positions she likes). The clit is really where the attention needs to be paid, and she isn't letting you give it any attention at all (and I say "the clit is where the attention is needed" because I'm assuming you understand that attention should not be paid *exclusively* to the clit while you forget everything else). Being afraid to let you pay her some attention is something SHE needs to get over. She will never have orgasms with the mindset that it's bad to look at, touch, and taste the genital area, even if you do manage to find the G-spot or some other kink or erogenous zone with her. She has a mental block against it because she views sex as something negative. Even if she tells you she enjoys it, she views it as something negative (people can think of something as bad while still enjoying it, like holiday junk food ... let's thank the Catholic church and the like for that).
Without speaking to her directly, I can't get into specifically what's going on with her or how to fix it, but it really is all in her own head. You can try to encourage her to loosen up and relax and experiment more, but that will be a fine line to walk, because too much nudging may make her feel pressured and may trigger her own insecurities about her performance in bed. But, really, there's nothing much you can do because she doesn't want to enjoy sex, for some reason. Whatever she does enjoy, she enjoys it IN SPITE of her issues, and that may even make her feel more guilty or shameful about it, which could actually be causing a spiral effect.
But women just do not get off on penetration alone, with the very rare exception. It's often painful without the extra pleasure hormones being released by stimulation (and that stimulation includes, in part, the foreplay and other activities, not just clit stimulation alone). Those hormones are what provide the lubrication, and what help the vaginal walls to relax and open up, and what activates all those nerve endings to receive the rubbing sensations as pleasurable instead of annoying friction. She is probably extremely embarrassed about her genitals, maybe she thinks they look weird or smell funny and is trying to keep you from finding that out. Maybe she had something actually traumatic happen to her in the past. Maybe she just buys into the idea that girls are supposed to orgasm from penetration and doing anything else means she's defective in some way.
Does she masturbate? You could encourage more of that, even if you don't participate, even if she does it at home, alone. But her masturbation is what will teach her the types of things that work for her and don't work for her and she should use that knowledge to teach her partners how to pleasure her. Different things work for different people and people's tastes will change over time. That's why we're supposed to keep experimenting.
Sometimes women have a hard time orgasming until they actually do. It's almost as if the body has to be taught that something is supposed to feel good, and once you show it that this feels good, it becomes easier to acheive orgasm that same way the next time. So if she starts masturbating & bringing herself to orgasm, it could make it easier for her to orgasm with a partner, especially if she lets him try what she was doing to herself.
The best lovers and the people who enjoy sex the most have a curious and adventurous outlook to sex. They know their own bodies and they're not afraid or ashamed of them. They're willing to try different things and they're willing to share experiences with their partners. In the end, the only changing that can happen will come from her. If she won't let you learn her body, there isn't any magic trick that you can learn, no special pelvis thrust, no perfect angle, that will give her an orgasm.
Really, the thing is that she needs to be willing to explore, because even if you do attempt other positions and specific techniques, if she's embarrassed or traumatized, it won't work because she'll have a mental block.
Keep in mind while you're searching for the perfect orgasm - sex should not be about the finish line. The harder either of you try to maker her orgasm and the more often you fail, the harder it will be for her to do it the next time. If either of you have a "goal" of orgasm, the pressure to perform makes it more difficult to do so. Sex should be about the experience - for both of you.
You ought to try having sex some time where the goal is for *neither* of you to orgasm. Pick different things to try and just see how they feel without the pressure of trying to make each other come, in fact, with strict orders NOT to come. If you keep trying for orgasm and she keeps not having one, that's gonna add to her issues and make her feel like she's failing you, and you'll start to feel like you're not good enough for her and down the spiral goes.
The goal should be exploration, not orgasm. And, possibly even building intimacy. THAT'S what will get her to orgasm, not technique or positions.
Positions that make the angle of penetration more shallow can reduce or eliminate the pain, but to cause pleasure, that's something only she can allow you to do and no magic position will do it if she's not open to it. Reverse cow-girl can sometimes help women who are embarrassed about being on top, because she can't see you looking at her but she still has all the control. Again, using toys or hands to stimulate prior to and during penetration help to relax the vaginal walls to accommodate penetration, but only her willingness to let go will allow her to orgasm.
Also, don't fall into the trap of blaming the victim - if she is willing to explore but still can't orgasm, don't let her think it's all her "fault" for not being open-minded enough. Good sex is created by openness, honesty, curiosity, and self-knowledge, not by technique or positions. First she needs the openness, then she needs the curiosity about her own body and about yours, and she also needs honesty with herself and her partner to go along with that, which will all lead to self-knowledge, and only then will orgasm be reliably achieved. It can happen without all of those elements, but without them, you'll have trouble repeating the event reliably or consistently.
But what you really need to be doing is talking to her about this. You need to express your concern about hurting her, you need to express your willingness to explore and experiment *for her sake*, and you need to ask her to work WITH you to discover what she likes and doesn't like. Ask for feedback before, during, and after sex. Get her to talk to you and get her to make suggestions. This really requires her full participation. Without that, the best you can hope for is to accidentally stumble upon things that cause less pain. To create pleasure, you need to share it, and that means she needs to share with you. She needs to know herself (which is where masturbation comes in), she needs to be honest with herself about what her body likes even if it embarrasses her, she needs to be honest with you and tell you what her body likes, and she will find all that out only if she approaches sex from a standpoint of curiosity and eagerness, not trepidation or hesitation.
You have to talk to her and get her to talk to you. But she won't have anything of value to tell you if she has all these other issues preventing her from exploring her sexuality.
Anyway, I get questions about sex. I get a lot of very similar questions from people in wildly different locations, backgrounds, and outlooks. Which leads me to believe that some of these questions and concerns are common, perhaps even endemic of our society. Of course, I don't have a true, scientific, sample population to make an unbiased judgement, but clearly, lots of different kinds of people have very similar kinds of fears.
This email is so incredibly typical in its content, that I feel I should make my answer public. Apparently, many men are still afraid their penis isn't big enough, and many women are still afraid of sex.
I have a new girlfriend and she married her high school sweetheart so she's only been with that one other person, and apparently he was "abnormally large." She is a small girl so she says it was always an issue, and that we "fit together" better. She says she enjoys everything with me and we've had a great time together, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking that since she's used to him being "abnormally large" that I just don't measure up... So, I guess my first question is the stupidest guy question there is: Does size matter?
My second question is actually more important- She also said that she doesn't/can't orgasm from intercourse, and due to other issues is not comfortable being touched/rubbed whatever... I'm not even allowed to go down on her. Is there a position or something that works better, or do you have any other suggestions??? She's against getting toys or anything so really it's all on me.
No, size really isn't important all by itself. It really is more important how you use it than how big or small it is, although how big or small it is might affect how you use it.
There are a few women who really are size queens, but for most women, size doesn't matter. Keep in mind that at some point the larger sizes cease to feel comfortable even if it's physically possible to fit it in. Anyway, the vast majority of women really DON'T like them big, and this whole big-dick thing is all in you guys' heads, and coming from other guys, not the girls. So, really, your size doesn't matter except in the inverse - that bigger is not only not always better, but is often much worse.
As for her orgasm, yes, it's totally normal that she can't orgasm during penetration. Many women can't. Most of the nerve endings are on the outside, not the inside, so many women can't orgasm during penetration alone, although many of us enjoy the feeling of being filled even without the orgasm. If a woman does orgasm during penetration, it's often because there was some friction on her clit too. Some women do have G-spot orgasms, but it's actually relatively rare, in spite of the magazine recommendations that all women should or can have them. It's also really uncomfortable to LEARN how to have a G-spot orgasm, because it involves pressure on the bladder, so even if more women are physically able to have a G-spot orgasm, many can't get past that feeling of needing to pee while being penetrated, so many just avoid G-spot stimulation because it's too much work for too small of a chance that it will pay off.
However, the key to good sex and to more orgasms is being comfortable and familiar with your own body. This means that if she wants to have more orgasms, the work is all on HER, not you. She needs to relax and do some exploration. If you can't give her oral sex, you can't use your hands, and you can't use toys, there's nothing else you can do except find positions that don't actively cause pain (and every woman is different for which positions she likes). The clit is really where the attention needs to be paid, and she isn't letting you give it any attention at all (and I say "the clit is where the attention is needed" because I'm assuming you understand that attention should not be paid *exclusively* to the clit while you forget everything else). Being afraid to let you pay her some attention is something SHE needs to get over. She will never have orgasms with the mindset that it's bad to look at, touch, and taste the genital area, even if you do manage to find the G-spot or some other kink or erogenous zone with her. She has a mental block against it because she views sex as something negative. Even if she tells you she enjoys it, she views it as something negative (people can think of something as bad while still enjoying it, like holiday junk food ... let's thank the Catholic church and the like for that).
Without speaking to her directly, I can't get into specifically what's going on with her or how to fix it, but it really is all in her own head. You can try to encourage her to loosen up and relax and experiment more, but that will be a fine line to walk, because too much nudging may make her feel pressured and may trigger her own insecurities about her performance in bed. But, really, there's nothing much you can do because she doesn't want to enjoy sex, for some reason. Whatever she does enjoy, she enjoys it IN SPITE of her issues, and that may even make her feel more guilty or shameful about it, which could actually be causing a spiral effect.
But women just do not get off on penetration alone, with the very rare exception. It's often painful without the extra pleasure hormones being released by stimulation (and that stimulation includes, in part, the foreplay and other activities, not just clit stimulation alone). Those hormones are what provide the lubrication, and what help the vaginal walls to relax and open up, and what activates all those nerve endings to receive the rubbing sensations as pleasurable instead of annoying friction. She is probably extremely embarrassed about her genitals, maybe she thinks they look weird or smell funny and is trying to keep you from finding that out. Maybe she had something actually traumatic happen to her in the past. Maybe she just buys into the idea that girls are supposed to orgasm from penetration and doing anything else means she's defective in some way.
Does she masturbate? You could encourage more of that, even if you don't participate, even if she does it at home, alone. But her masturbation is what will teach her the types of things that work for her and don't work for her and she should use that knowledge to teach her partners how to pleasure her. Different things work for different people and people's tastes will change over time. That's why we're supposed to keep experimenting.
Sometimes women have a hard time orgasming until they actually do. It's almost as if the body has to be taught that something is supposed to feel good, and once you show it that this feels good, it becomes easier to acheive orgasm that same way the next time. So if she starts masturbating & bringing herself to orgasm, it could make it easier for her to orgasm with a partner, especially if she lets him try what she was doing to herself.
The best lovers and the people who enjoy sex the most have a curious and adventurous outlook to sex. They know their own bodies and they're not afraid or ashamed of them. They're willing to try different things and they're willing to share experiences with their partners. In the end, the only changing that can happen will come from her. If she won't let you learn her body, there isn't any magic trick that you can learn, no special pelvis thrust, no perfect angle, that will give her an orgasm.
Really, the thing is that she needs to be willing to explore, because even if you do attempt other positions and specific techniques, if she's embarrassed or traumatized, it won't work because she'll have a mental block.
Keep in mind while you're searching for the perfect orgasm - sex should not be about the finish line. The harder either of you try to maker her orgasm and the more often you fail, the harder it will be for her to do it the next time. If either of you have a "goal" of orgasm, the pressure to perform makes it more difficult to do so. Sex should be about the experience - for both of you.
You ought to try having sex some time where the goal is for *neither* of you to orgasm. Pick different things to try and just see how they feel without the pressure of trying to make each other come, in fact, with strict orders NOT to come. If you keep trying for orgasm and she keeps not having one, that's gonna add to her issues and make her feel like she's failing you, and you'll start to feel like you're not good enough for her and down the spiral goes.
The goal should be exploration, not orgasm. And, possibly even building intimacy. THAT'S what will get her to orgasm, not technique or positions.
Positions that make the angle of penetration more shallow can reduce or eliminate the pain, but to cause pleasure, that's something only she can allow you to do and no magic position will do it if she's not open to it. Reverse cow-girl can sometimes help women who are embarrassed about being on top, because she can't see you looking at her but she still has all the control. Again, using toys or hands to stimulate prior to and during penetration help to relax the vaginal walls to accommodate penetration, but only her willingness to let go will allow her to orgasm.
Also, don't fall into the trap of blaming the victim - if she is willing to explore but still can't orgasm, don't let her think it's all her "fault" for not being open-minded enough. Good sex is created by openness, honesty, curiosity, and self-knowledge, not by technique or positions. First she needs the openness, then she needs the curiosity about her own body and about yours, and she also needs honesty with herself and her partner to go along with that, which will all lead to self-knowledge, and only then will orgasm be reliably achieved. It can happen without all of those elements, but without them, you'll have trouble repeating the event reliably or consistently.
But what you really need to be doing is talking to her about this. You need to express your concern about hurting her, you need to express your willingness to explore and experiment *for her sake*, and you need to ask her to work WITH you to discover what she likes and doesn't like. Ask for feedback before, during, and after sex. Get her to talk to you and get her to make suggestions. This really requires her full participation. Without that, the best you can hope for is to accidentally stumble upon things that cause less pain. To create pleasure, you need to share it, and that means she needs to share with you. She needs to know herself (which is where masturbation comes in), she needs to be honest with herself about what her body likes even if it embarrasses her, she needs to be honest with you and tell you what her body likes, and she will find all that out only if she approaches sex from a standpoint of curiosity and eagerness, not trepidation or hesitation.
You have to talk to her and get her to talk to you. But she won't have anything of value to tell you if she has all these other issues preventing her from exploring her sexuality.
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no subject
Date: 1/4/11 12:14 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 1/4/11 07:45 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 1/4/11 07:55 pm (UTC)From:FWIW, I think your advice was good, and that his advice is usually good, too.
no subject
Date: 1/4/11 08:24 pm (UTC)From:Otherwise I think you were spot on
no subject
Date: 1/4/11 09:30 pm (UTC)From:If that's the case, the work is still on her, not on him (she has to be willing and interesting to get better), but the "work" will be some pretty serious work, possibly even therapy with a qualified counselor, and his job will be to support her.
no subject
Date: 1/5/11 08:12 am (UTC)From: