I Don't Mean That

[joreth]

Someone on my friends list made a post about being misunderstood, and it sparked a desire to make a similar post.

My intent is often misunderstood, and I attribute it to this social convention (or several) we have that says everything we do or say must have some subtext to it, and that subtext is necessarily insidious or competitive or contrary to what the overt text is.  It happens more often in my writing, because I go to great lengths to consciously adjust my vocal tone, facial expression, and body language to better convey my intent, but it happens in real life too.

So, as in the original post, I'm going to give some examples of things I am often misunderstood about.  Some of them are verbatim of the original post, because they apply to me too and I couldn't think of any way to reword it that would make it more applicable than it already was:

If I say: Why are you doing that?
I mean: Why are you doing that?  I am genuinely curious about your motivations either because I do not like to assume or because no possible motivation is occurring to me as likely.
Not: What is wrong with you, you idiot? Why are you doing something so stupid/wrong/horrible?

If I say: What do I do if X happens?
I mean: What course of action should I take if this sequence of events should occur?
Not: OMG bad things might happen and if they do I will freak out and DIE so you should reassure me 500 times without actually offering any possible courses of action should this sequence of events occur.

If I say: I wonder what causes Y.
I mean: I think Y is interesting, and possibly has some fascinating causes or reasons for being. I wonder what they are? I'd like to explore them!
Not: Y is disgusting and perverse, I cannot understand why anyone would engage in Y, and anyone who does is probably mentally ill and/or evil.

If I say: Why do you think this happened?
I mean: I value your perspective and judgement and I am genuinely curious as to what reasons you may have come up with to explain this situation or scenario.
Not: I am going to trap you in some explanation of events that translates to you being a shitheel so I can hold it over your head for all eternity, and you will not escape.

If I say: Hmm, that's interesting.
I mean: Hmm, that's interesting.
Not: Hmm, that's extremely weird, perverse, or stupid, and I just don't want you to know that, so I've come up with something neutral to fool you into thinking I'm actually interested, but in reality I'm going to store this story in memory to laugh about you behind your back.

If I say: I'm fine with that.
I mean: I'm fine with that.
Not: I hate that idea and I think you're a horrible person for suggesting it, but go ahead and do it anyway so I can bring this up in a future argument as an example of how you don't "get" me.

If I say: I don't really have a preference.
I mean: I don't really have a preference.
Not: I most definitely do have a preference, and if you were a Good Person, you'd know me well enough by now to know which would be my preference.

I plan to add to this list later, as more things come up.  At the moment, I have a headache, and mostly what's in the forefront of my mind is another flamewar online wherein Joreth gets bashed for being "arrogant" and "condescending" for daring to talk about her atheism to the exclusion of all spiritual belief systems in an interview that specifically centered on polyamory and atheism.  So most of what I'm coming up with now are centered on that, and not very general or applicable to the spirit of this list.

Comments

[petite-lambda.livejournal.com]

There are many times in my life when I feel stupid afterwords for not "reading into" what people are saying, for being too naive and simple, and stupidly assuming that people actually mean what they say! So it gave me strange satisfaction to read this post.

That's why I like you, Joreth. I understand you. Even when I don't agree with you, I never felt offended by your posts (and I've been reading you for quite a while now, and from what I've read, never feeling offended by you seems to be some sort of exception :-)) And that's all because of my natural tendency to assume that you mean exactly what you say (and also, I guess, having "good faith" -- I always assume, by default, that you did NOT mean anything bad... don't know how to explain it better). So I'm often surprised to what lengths you go in your posts to make all sorts of disclaimers, and still there wind up people who manage to get offended. For once, I feel superior :-)

But there was one item on your list that stood out. All the others, I was just snickering smugly "But why would someone ever...?"
But this one, "What causes Y?", made me recall all sorts of things. It's a tricky one, and not only because of the misunderstanding that you explained. You probably meant Y as some natural phenomenon, like homosexuality. But problems arise also when Y is a position on some issue -- a religious belief, a political stance, a relationship model. The problem is that the "cause of Y" can still be a legitimate and fascinating quiestion in this case, BUT with some reservations.
Actually, I suspect that you understand by now what I mean.
Example: I was talking to a friend of mine who is a creationist and a monogamist. And when he said something like "When you have children, you will change your mind about poly" (without explaining, of course, why I would do that) I answered with "My dad is poly, and he has two children" (bad answer, but my ability to explain myself considerably worsens when I'm pissed off). So then he asked "Your dad is an atheist, too, right?", and when I affirmed, he nodded in understanding. You see, Joreth, now he finally had all my craziness explained! He discovered the one true cause. It was all because of my dad!
You understand why I got very angry with him?
[Actually, at that point I really envied you. If I were you, I wouldn't let him get away with this. But when I'm angry, people don't usually notice, because my natural reaction is to lose my words.]

[joreth]

Yep, I do know what you're talking about with the possible reservations.

In this specific case, the creationist didn't go far enough. He didn't actually come to the root of "what causes Y" because he has a lot of flawed premises that informed his conclusion.

In cases like these, "what causes Y" is rarely a one-cause answer.

That particular question in my list is one of the ones I took from the other poster & left it mostly verbatim, which is possibly why it stood out a little from the others as not being explained more fully according to my usual patterns of explanation.

I appreciate having readers who understand what I'm trying to say even when they don't agree with me. That's what fosters engaging discussion and exchanges of viewpoint, whether the people ultimately change their positions or keep them. I think this happens more often when the participants do mean what they say and say what they mean, and when they understand this is what they do so that they can apply that understanding towards the other person - who is doing the same thing.

When one person is not, and the other person is assuming he is, that's when we get into the worst of the communication issues, I think. There are plenty of others of course, but I think this is a serious, fundamental communication issue.

Actually, in real life conversations, I am not nearly as good with my words. It takes me time to think, to analyze some bit of conversation, and to come up with exactly what I want to say in response. So I pretty much suck in face-to-face encounters. And when I get angry, my natural reaction is to let out a string of cusswords that contribute nothing helpful :-) One particular poly meeting devolved into shouting on all sides, and the best I could come up with was "bull-fucking shit!"

[petite-lambda.livejournal.com]

And when I get angry, my natural reaction is to let out a string of cusswords that contribute nothing helpful :-)

I'd still trade my natural reaction for yours! :-)
Shouting cusswords is actually helpful, in the sense that at least the other person understands that you are now angry, that something is wrong and needs to be resolved. About the only thing that is even less helpful than that is what I do -- nothing! At that time, he didn't even notice that something was wrong, and it's very bad, because I've been actually holding it in me ever since, and thinking about how could I bring it up again... but I can't come up with anything, it sounds kind of silly and petty ("Remember when we were talking on the bus to Eilat? Well, you really pissed me off!" :-)).

[summer-jackel.livejournal.com]

I find this to be a kickass post about a common communication issue. Thanks for sharing it.