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On the way to work this morning at the godawful hour of O-fuck-thirty, while scanning the radio for traffic news, I heard, what sounded like, a parody version of one of my favorite songs. So I listened a little more closely.
Yep, there on my car radio, to the tune of the country version of Summertime Blues, was a guy singing about being married for 20 years, and fucking up Valentine's Day for the 20th time. He forgot the date, didn't buy flowers or candy or make fancy reservations, and now he's spending the night on the porch.
And it seems to me that he's not the only one to blame here. This is going to be really unpopular with the mainstream-female crowd, but I'm going to suggest that the wife is equally to blame here.
Because you can't reasonably expect to get what you want if you don't ask for it.
Even the 20th time.
Now, I fully believe in and support the idea of learning your partners' Love Language. But it works in both directions. See, if something is important to my partner, if a particular method of expressing love is especially meaningful in either showing love or feeling loved, then because I care about my partner, it becomes important to me that my partner feels loved and that he feels as though I appreciate his expressions of love for me.
But that may not be my natural language, and there might be some personality challenges to overcome, no matter how much I *intend* to show love to my partner. If it's not my natural Love Language, he's going to have to meet he halfway. If he wants to feel loved, he's going to have to show me how to love him.
I'm temporally challenged. I don't see time the way many others see it. I cannot tell you what day of the week it is, nor can I tell you the date without looking at my computer. I just have no idea. I am a very organized person. I like schedules and calendars; I like to know when things happened and are going to happen - I don't like surprises in the schedule. My pictures are all ordered on my computer by date and event, and I'm a freelancer - I don't have a regular Monday - Friday schedule, so knowing the date is important. But my mind does not remember the passage of time.
Just recently (and by recently, I mean within the last 2 or 3 months, because that's the best I can narrow it down to), I was shocked to realize I missed my high school's 10-year reunion 5 years ago. I vaguely remember being disappointed at the time that I couldn't go, but even that vague feeling was forgotten until it was brought to my attention how much time had passed.
I forget major holidays and birthdays, including my own. I mean, I remember that my birthday is January 16th, and that Christmas is December 25th, but if I don't know that *today* is February 14th, then I'm unlikely to realize that it's Valentine's Day.
What I *will* remember, is that I have to be at work in 3 days, or that I have a date tonight. I won't remember that I had a date 5 days ago, this only works in one direction for me, and only with effort. On top of all that, holidays don't hold any special meaning for me. The *events* are meaningful, but not the day. Going to Dragoncon is important to me, it doesn't have to happen on Labor Day, because it's the *event*, not the date, that I care about. Christmas is only important because Quality Time is one of my primary Love Languages and the Christmas season is a convenient time because most people get time off from work, so I can schedule a block of time with lots of people I love at once. "Birth of Christ"? Winter solstice? Presents? Tradition? I couldn't care less. Christmas could be moved to August 18th and the name could change to Obligatory National Holiday and it wouldn't make any difference to me as long as I still get to spend time with my loved ones somehow.
So if a particular holiday is important to my partners, I may not care about that day, but I do care about doing those things that mean something to them. However, my best intentions are limited by my abilities. No matter how much I might *want* to please my partners, remembering a date goes against my natural abilities. So we're gonna have to compromise here.
What I need from my partner is to understand that my difficulties do not stem from indifference. First, start out with the assumption that I love you and want to do these things that make you feel loved. Next, I need some assistance in making you feel loved. I need you to *tell* me what you need.
In this context, that means that my partners need to tell me, as the holiday approaches, that a holiday is approaching, that it is important to him, and to give me a list of the ways that I can show him that I love him. The idea that, if I loved him, I'd just know, is bullshit. I am not psychic and even if I guess correctly, we still have the little problem of my temporal challenge to overcome.
If your partner routinely "screws up", you can start with the assumption that he doesn't really like you, and his neglect is a deliberate act of malice. I would suggest that if you believe this, then you have bigger problems than whether or not he bought you roses for Valentine's Day.
Or you can start with the assumption that he loves and cherishes you, but just doesn't know how to speak your language (or vice versa), or he has an internal challenge to overcome, like my temporal challenge. If that's the case, than the loving thing you can do for *him* is to provide him with the proper tools for showing you that he loves you in a manner that is meaningful to you. In the case of the song, the wife could have just reminded her husband that the holiday was approaching and that it would be meaningful for him to celebrate it with her in a specific way.
When two people think of each other as partners, not as adversaries, often the solution to a conflict is really that simple. Especially if the problem is pro-actively addressed, before misunderstanding and resentment has set in.
Based on some stereotypes and some personal observations of how people conduct these relationships, I'm going to guess that the wife in this song (or the women she represents) didn't look her husband in the eye and say "Honey, Valentine's Day is in 5 days. This means a lot to me, and I would like to spend that day with you at our favorite restaurant, and I would like to exchange gifts. We can put a $50 limit on the gifts, but I really need to exchange gifts and share that day with you doing something special. The reason why going to dinner and exchanging gifts is important is because it represents ...". I'm going to bet that she does what every other monogamous, mainstream woman I've ever met or heard of (through her boyfriend/husband at work) did, which is that she dropped hints, like leaving the Sears catalog opened to the jewelry section on the kitchen table, or said "I really love Maggiano's" as they passed it on the way to somewhere else, and expected him to know what the hell she was hinting about.
Sorry, people, but that just isn't good enough. You need to communicate your needs to your partner, *before* you get your feelings hurt from him or her not following through. If you have said, in plain words, what you want from him or her, you have set up a calendar system to help those partners who have extreme temporal challenges like mine (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zaiah and I worked together to set up tacit's Google calendar and sync it to his iPhone so that either of us could set an alert and have his phone buzz at him to remind him to be where he's supposed to be when where he's supposed to be is important to us), and you have done everything possible to meet your partner halfway and work with him to find a compromise that you will both feel happy with, only *then* can he still fall down on the job and I will say that you have done everything you could, and he screwed up. And if your partner really did go through all that effort for you, well, then you ought to have the decency to make the effort to meet her halfway too.
Neither of you should be telepathic, either receiving or sending. Communicate, communicate, communicate. You are responsible for your own happiness, and if you have a partner who wants to contribute to your happiness, then give him the opportunity to do so by telling him how.
Yep, there on my car radio, to the tune of the country version of Summertime Blues, was a guy singing about being married for 20 years, and fucking up Valentine's Day for the 20th time. He forgot the date, didn't buy flowers or candy or make fancy reservations, and now he's spending the night on the porch.
And it seems to me that he's not the only one to blame here. This is going to be really unpopular with the mainstream-female crowd, but I'm going to suggest that the wife is equally to blame here.
Because you can't reasonably expect to get what you want if you don't ask for it.
Even the 20th time.
Now, I fully believe in and support the idea of learning your partners' Love Language. But it works in both directions. See, if something is important to my partner, if a particular method of expressing love is especially meaningful in either showing love or feeling loved, then because I care about my partner, it becomes important to me that my partner feels loved and that he feels as though I appreciate his expressions of love for me.
But that may not be my natural language, and there might be some personality challenges to overcome, no matter how much I *intend* to show love to my partner. If it's not my natural Love Language, he's going to have to meet he halfway. If he wants to feel loved, he's going to have to show me how to love him.
I'm temporally challenged. I don't see time the way many others see it. I cannot tell you what day of the week it is, nor can I tell you the date without looking at my computer. I just have no idea. I am a very organized person. I like schedules and calendars; I like to know when things happened and are going to happen - I don't like surprises in the schedule. My pictures are all ordered on my computer by date and event, and I'm a freelancer - I don't have a regular Monday - Friday schedule, so knowing the date is important. But my mind does not remember the passage of time.
Just recently (and by recently, I mean within the last 2 or 3 months, because that's the best I can narrow it down to), I was shocked to realize I missed my high school's 10-year reunion 5 years ago. I vaguely remember being disappointed at the time that I couldn't go, but even that vague feeling was forgotten until it was brought to my attention how much time had passed.
I forget major holidays and birthdays, including my own. I mean, I remember that my birthday is January 16th, and that Christmas is December 25th, but if I don't know that *today* is February 14th, then I'm unlikely to realize that it's Valentine's Day.
What I *will* remember, is that I have to be at work in 3 days, or that I have a date tonight. I won't remember that I had a date 5 days ago, this only works in one direction for me, and only with effort. On top of all that, holidays don't hold any special meaning for me. The *events* are meaningful, but not the day. Going to Dragoncon is important to me, it doesn't have to happen on Labor Day, because it's the *event*, not the date, that I care about. Christmas is only important because Quality Time is one of my primary Love Languages and the Christmas season is a convenient time because most people get time off from work, so I can schedule a block of time with lots of people I love at once. "Birth of Christ"? Winter solstice? Presents? Tradition? I couldn't care less. Christmas could be moved to August 18th and the name could change to Obligatory National Holiday and it wouldn't make any difference to me as long as I still get to spend time with my loved ones somehow.
So if a particular holiday is important to my partners, I may not care about that day, but I do care about doing those things that mean something to them. However, my best intentions are limited by my abilities. No matter how much I might *want* to please my partners, remembering a date goes against my natural abilities. So we're gonna have to compromise here.
What I need from my partner is to understand that my difficulties do not stem from indifference. First, start out with the assumption that I love you and want to do these things that make you feel loved. Next, I need some assistance in making you feel loved. I need you to *tell* me what you need.
In this context, that means that my partners need to tell me, as the holiday approaches, that a holiday is approaching, that it is important to him, and to give me a list of the ways that I can show him that I love him. The idea that, if I loved him, I'd just know, is bullshit. I am not psychic and even if I guess correctly, we still have the little problem of my temporal challenge to overcome.
If your partner routinely "screws up", you can start with the assumption that he doesn't really like you, and his neglect is a deliberate act of malice. I would suggest that if you believe this, then you have bigger problems than whether or not he bought you roses for Valentine's Day.
Or you can start with the assumption that he loves and cherishes you, but just doesn't know how to speak your language (or vice versa), or he has an internal challenge to overcome, like my temporal challenge. If that's the case, than the loving thing you can do for *him* is to provide him with the proper tools for showing you that he loves you in a manner that is meaningful to you. In the case of the song, the wife could have just reminded her husband that the holiday was approaching and that it would be meaningful for him to celebrate it with her in a specific way.
When two people think of each other as partners, not as adversaries, often the solution to a conflict is really that simple. Especially if the problem is pro-actively addressed, before misunderstanding and resentment has set in.
Based on some stereotypes and some personal observations of how people conduct these relationships, I'm going to guess that the wife in this song (or the women she represents) didn't look her husband in the eye and say "Honey, Valentine's Day is in 5 days. This means a lot to me, and I would like to spend that day with you at our favorite restaurant, and I would like to exchange gifts. We can put a $50 limit on the gifts, but I really need to exchange gifts and share that day with you doing something special. The reason why going to dinner and exchanging gifts is important is because it represents ...". I'm going to bet that she does what every other monogamous, mainstream woman I've ever met or heard of (through her boyfriend/husband at work) did, which is that she dropped hints, like leaving the Sears catalog opened to the jewelry section on the kitchen table, or said "I really love Maggiano's" as they passed it on the way to somewhere else, and expected him to know what the hell she was hinting about.
Sorry, people, but that just isn't good enough. You need to communicate your needs to your partner, *before* you get your feelings hurt from him or her not following through. If you have said, in plain words, what you want from him or her, you have set up a calendar system to help those partners who have extreme temporal challenges like mine (
zaiah and I worked together to set up tacit's Google calendar and sync it to his iPhone so that either of us could set an alert and have his phone buzz at him to remind him to be where he's supposed to be when where he's supposed to be is important to us), and you have done everything possible to meet your partner halfway and work with him to find a compromise that you will both feel happy with, only *then* can he still fall down on the job and I will say that you have done everything you could, and he screwed up. And if your partner really did go through all that effort for you, well, then you ought to have the decency to make the effort to meet her halfway too. Neither of you should be telepathic, either receiving or sending. Communicate, communicate, communicate. You are responsible for your own happiness, and if you have a partner who wants to contribute to your happiness, then give him the opportunity to do so by telling him how.
no subject
Date: 3/4/10 03:41 am (UTC)From:Don't even mention my birthday being shortly before Christmas -- I get wrapped up in trying to deal with getting the holiday sorted out for everyone, and often forget until the last minute that I need to plan a party for myself -- at which point most people are booked since it's a weekend close to a holiday ;P
Thankfully, Google Calendar and carrying an iPhone help a great deal -- I can send myself e-mails and notes, and I try to rigorously maintain my calendar, so at least I don't always do TOO badly when it comes to making/remembering plans.
But, yeah -- there was a time a few years ago when Convergence (yearly Goth convention that is very important to me) fell on, like, May 23-26 or something -- and I booked tickets to go to Portland for the occasion, and it wasn't until
I think your advice about communication and asking for what you need -- AND being aware of your partners' weaknesses and/or differences in perception, love languages, etc. and being able to work with them instead of just resenting them -- is dead-on :)
-- A <3
no subject
Date: 3/4/10 06:04 am (UTC)From:I don't think people really understand just how challenging my issue with time is until I've failed in something important several times. It's a really confusing issue, because, as you said, I know exactly that This Event is on This Day, but it just fails to register that This Day is today, or between these other dates. I did almost the same thing with someone's birthday - I had known him for something like 17 years and knew exactly the date of his birthday, but totally forgot that I was even in that month yet and so missed calling him on his birthday. You'd think I shot his puppy he was so hurt.
Recently, I had spent a Friday evening with my metamours, and the next Saturday, while in the car, I referenced a conversation from the night before. I remembered where it took place and who was there, but I could not remember, to save my life, that it had taken place the previous evening. My metamours had to tell me when it had happened.
One of them said she didn't realize just how bad I was with time until that moment.
I remember the most absurd details, and I'm ridiculously organized in certain ways, but I just don't see time the way others seem to and it feels perpetually out of my grasp.
And it doesn't help that it's a stereotypically guy-thing. Our society is set up to accommodate men who forget - it's just what men do, apparently. But when those men are counting on me to do the remembering, well, it's not going to happen.
And when those men have an emotional attachment to holidays that I don't, then me forgetting is a HUGE FUCKING DEAL, and I know EXACTLY how all those cliched men feel when their equally cliched women get divorce-threateningly hurt over something the guys just don't understand why its a big deal.
Out of the 5 Love Languages, the one I do not speak at all is Gift Exchange. In fact, I used to be adamant about not exchanging gifts and I'd make a huge deal about not wanting gifts and what a stupid tradition it is. It wasn't until I started trying to see things from my partners' perspectives that I finally got that they were trying to express their love for me in the way that was most meaningful to them. And it was *hurting* them to not be allowed to express their love for me in that manner.
So I still don't speak Gift Exchange, but at least now I understand it when it's spoken to me. So I try to find a compromise - I will let you express your love for me through buying me gifts, not because it's meaningful to me, but because it's meaningful to you and *that* makes it meaningful to me, if you will try to learn to see my Acts of Service as a "gift" to you, which is my way of expressing love, and learn to find it meaningful not because the act is meaningful to you, but because it's meaningful to me and *that* is meaningful to you.
no subject
Date: 3/4/10 06:39 am (UTC)From:He's still a member of our family (not in a romantic/sexual sense, but he's Family and is welcome in our home and is very much a part of our tribe), and I felt awful for forgetting -- especially since he doesn't have very many people close to him who WOULD have remembered (he's estranged from his mother, his father has dementia, he travels for a living and doesn't have a ton of close friends) . . . meh. Needless to say, his birthday is now firmly on my Google Calendar with a POP-UP E-MAIL REMINDER for next year.
I'm not a huge "gifts" person either (I'm very much an Acts of Service person as well -- my two big love languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch, but *giving* Acts of Service is really important to me) . . . but I know that not everyone feels the same, so I enjoy sharing in their joy in having picked out something special, even though I'm pretty unsentimental about gifts most of the time ;)
-- A <3