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I'm an activist, a community leader, and somewhat of a public figure. As such, I am often "in character" or "on stage", meaning that there are some topics it is not advisable to rant about publicly and some behaviours I cannot allow myself to express while in the role of that community leader (or ever, some might say), lest it reflect poorly on the community I am leading or the subject I am fighting for. We are expected to always think about how we reflect upon our cause because outsiders can't seem to wrap their little minds around the fact that a person who is good at fundraising might ALSO like partying on the weekends and one activity does not affect the other, or that sometimes, we get our feelings hurt or get angry or have any other human emotion, sometimes at inopportune times.
This means that, when someone criticizes me for something I'm doing or not doing in the role of community leader, I'm supposed to smile, and thank them for that criticism, and take that criticism to heart, possibly implementing it at the next opportunity, with grace and dignity.
It also means that I can't say things like "dude, your suggestion sucks and you're a moron" or "yeah, already doing that, but thanks for not noticing!" or "great suggestion, now do you want to explain to me how I'm supposed to fund this little scheme of yours?" or "do you have any fucking idea how massive and impractical it would be to implement that?"
So I'm going to say those things here, even at the risk of offending members of my various communities who might think I'm talking about them (even if I'm not). Because, like all other community leaders, I'm still only human and I still lose my temper and need to vent. And, hopefully, seeing me blow my top may make others realize that all community leaders are not supermen, and they have their own limitations too, so that maybe we'll all treat our community leaders with this in mind so that they don't *have* to expose themselves this way and their reputation as the calm, cool, collected leaders remains untarnished.
Fortunately, I have never had that reputation online, so even though I might offend someone, it really shouldn't be unexpected of me.
Something that gets really frustrating to hear as a community leader is "I have a great idea for the community! You should do these 10 things and take on these 8 projects!" Yeah, great, except chances are, if I haven't already done it, there's probably a reason for that, namely I don't have the time, money, or expertise to do it (or it's been tried and failed, is another common reason).
Most of what I do as a community leader is volunteer. Scratch that, ALL of what I do as a community leader is volunteer. I volunteer my own time, and often my own money, to provide things for the community that the community has asked for. I'm happy to do so because I think it's necessary. But when I'm the only one stepping up, it can rub me the wrong way to be told that there is *more* I should be doing.
I dedicate most of my waking hours to working on forms, organizing events, building and maintaining websites, even going so far as to learn complete new sets of skills for the purpose of having a member of the community qualified to teach others those skills. I even steal time while at work to get stuff done. I bought new hardware to record podcasts; I invest in graphic software & learned how to do graphic editing to make the websites I maintain look presentable; I interact with the general public & talk about polyamory & facilitate group discussions & give presentations even though it is physically and mentally exhausting & I have to pass up on personal plans to recover. I do A LOT.
And that's not intended to generate any sympathy, as I said, I'm happy to do what I do. I turn down those things I can't do, and I don't overextend myself, or I try not to. I have a lot of "causes" that I don't organize for because I just don't have the time or energy for it.
But when I *do* put forth all this effort, all this time and energy, only to have people tell me that I'm not doing enough, when those same people haven't done *anything* for the same cause, I get a little bitter. I am a COMMUNITY leader, not a dictator. This is not all about me, this is about everyone. So since it's not all about me, it also shouldn't be all ON me.
I'm also not fishing for praise - I don't need to hear how wonderful everyone thinks I am right now, that's not what I'm complaining about. I'm not feeling underappreciated, I'm feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
I know, I know, I've heard the rants from other community leaders before - this is just what it's like to be a community leader. Everyone wants the benefits but no one wants to do the work. But this is the reason why so many community leaders, and the poly community specifically, suffer from Activist Burnout. So many of us burn out after only a few years because we continue to feel as though there is always more work to be done than we can possibly get done, and we see so few people stepping up to pitch in and help. If we are supposed to be a community, how about we all contribute to its wellbeing?
I was part of one group of people who all gathered to brainstorm about what to do to help the community grow. Everyone threw out tons of ideas & we all got excited about the bright new future it seemed we'd have with all these projects and possibilities & creative people at the helm. When it came time to sign up for each of those ideas, to volunteer as people to implement them, suddenly everyone started shuffling their feet and explaining how swamped they were with these other Really Important Things. I have, in the past, offered to do the preliminary organization for something, and asked for volunteers to assist with certain details or aspects of the project, only to have 20 people sign up and 2 people contribute 1 thing each, leaving me with the bulk of the work.
At one particular meeting for organizers, the organizer of *that* meeting spelled out, on the invitation, that members of this group should not volunteer for projects if they didn't actually want to help, or if they only thought they could *maybe* help. Only people who were actually committed to helping should actually volunteer. I thought this was a good idea and inwardly raged that it needed to be said at all. But it's incredibly disheartening to head up a project and have none of the people who said they'd help actually help. That's the main source of Activist Burnout - the activist takes on progressively more and more work because the people she was depending on to support her keep dropping out & she begins to feel that if she doesn't do everything herself, nothing will ever get done (sometimes it's a perfectionist ego, but more often, it's because shit really won't get done).
The sad part was that people actually got upset at the request to not volunteer if you don't intend to follow through. I didn't really understand what the objection was, so I won't attempt to repeat it here. But I was surprised to see that anyone would be upset at this. The organizer merely communicated what all of us community leaders and organizers already know - that it really fucking sucks to have most of your team disappear on you when you were counting on them to complete an integral part of the project, so please don't do that.
One project I once volunteered for was actually originally suggested by someone else, who, over time, managed to retreat further and further from the project, leaving me defacto in charge simply because I was the only one left out of the original brainstorming team who was actually doing *anything*. I volunteered because I believed in the goals of the project, and I had a few specialized skills that I thought I could contribute. I have since learned a bunch of other new skills to take up the slack left by the qualified people who found Really Important Things to do & bailed out.
So, that's basically my rant. I'm getting frustrated with people suggesting to me that I ought to do more for my various communities, particularly when those suggestions come from people who have yet to contribute anything to those same communities. So people, if you have a suggestion for your community leaders and organizers, while we really do appreciate feedback and suggestions, what would really please & help your community leaders would be for you to volunteer to (and follow through with) assist or head up whatever it is you're suggesting.
Telling your community leader that what the community needs is a nationwide drive to sell Christmas ornaments with the symbol of your particular community to raise awareness would go over a lot better if, instead of saying "so how about you get on that?", you said "and I will personally hand-paint all the ornaments & distribute them to our sellers across the country". We really do want your feedback, but we really NEED your assistance.
This means that, when someone criticizes me for something I'm doing or not doing in the role of community leader, I'm supposed to smile, and thank them for that criticism, and take that criticism to heart, possibly implementing it at the next opportunity, with grace and dignity.
It also means that I can't say things like "dude, your suggestion sucks and you're a moron" or "yeah, already doing that, but thanks for not noticing!" or "great suggestion, now do you want to explain to me how I'm supposed to fund this little scheme of yours?" or "do you have any fucking idea how massive and impractical it would be to implement that?"
So I'm going to say those things here, even at the risk of offending members of my various communities who might think I'm talking about them (even if I'm not). Because, like all other community leaders, I'm still only human and I still lose my temper and need to vent. And, hopefully, seeing me blow my top may make others realize that all community leaders are not supermen, and they have their own limitations too, so that maybe we'll all treat our community leaders with this in mind so that they don't *have* to expose themselves this way and their reputation as the calm, cool, collected leaders remains untarnished.
Fortunately, I have never had that reputation online, so even though I might offend someone, it really shouldn't be unexpected of me.
Something that gets really frustrating to hear as a community leader is "I have a great idea for the community! You should do these 10 things and take on these 8 projects!" Yeah, great, except chances are, if I haven't already done it, there's probably a reason for that, namely I don't have the time, money, or expertise to do it (or it's been tried and failed, is another common reason).
Most of what I do as a community leader is volunteer. Scratch that, ALL of what I do as a community leader is volunteer. I volunteer my own time, and often my own money, to provide things for the community that the community has asked for. I'm happy to do so because I think it's necessary. But when I'm the only one stepping up, it can rub me the wrong way to be told that there is *more* I should be doing.
I dedicate most of my waking hours to working on forms, organizing events, building and maintaining websites, even going so far as to learn complete new sets of skills for the purpose of having a member of the community qualified to teach others those skills. I even steal time while at work to get stuff done. I bought new hardware to record podcasts; I invest in graphic software & learned how to do graphic editing to make the websites I maintain look presentable; I interact with the general public & talk about polyamory & facilitate group discussions & give presentations even though it is physically and mentally exhausting & I have to pass up on personal plans to recover. I do A LOT.
And that's not intended to generate any sympathy, as I said, I'm happy to do what I do. I turn down those things I can't do, and I don't overextend myself, or I try not to. I have a lot of "causes" that I don't organize for because I just don't have the time or energy for it.
But when I *do* put forth all this effort, all this time and energy, only to have people tell me that I'm not doing enough, when those same people haven't done *anything* for the same cause, I get a little bitter. I am a COMMUNITY leader, not a dictator. This is not all about me, this is about everyone. So since it's not all about me, it also shouldn't be all ON me.
I'm also not fishing for praise - I don't need to hear how wonderful everyone thinks I am right now, that's not what I'm complaining about. I'm not feeling underappreciated, I'm feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
I know, I know, I've heard the rants from other community leaders before - this is just what it's like to be a community leader. Everyone wants the benefits but no one wants to do the work. But this is the reason why so many community leaders, and the poly community specifically, suffer from Activist Burnout. So many of us burn out after only a few years because we continue to feel as though there is always more work to be done than we can possibly get done, and we see so few people stepping up to pitch in and help. If we are supposed to be a community, how about we all contribute to its wellbeing?
I was part of one group of people who all gathered to brainstorm about what to do to help the community grow. Everyone threw out tons of ideas & we all got excited about the bright new future it seemed we'd have with all these projects and possibilities & creative people at the helm. When it came time to sign up for each of those ideas, to volunteer as people to implement them, suddenly everyone started shuffling their feet and explaining how swamped they were with these other Really Important Things. I have, in the past, offered to do the preliminary organization for something, and asked for volunteers to assist with certain details or aspects of the project, only to have 20 people sign up and 2 people contribute 1 thing each, leaving me with the bulk of the work.
At one particular meeting for organizers, the organizer of *that* meeting spelled out, on the invitation, that members of this group should not volunteer for projects if they didn't actually want to help, or if they only thought they could *maybe* help. Only people who were actually committed to helping should actually volunteer. I thought this was a good idea and inwardly raged that it needed to be said at all. But it's incredibly disheartening to head up a project and have none of the people who said they'd help actually help. That's the main source of Activist Burnout - the activist takes on progressively more and more work because the people she was depending on to support her keep dropping out & she begins to feel that if she doesn't do everything herself, nothing will ever get done (sometimes it's a perfectionist ego, but more often, it's because shit really won't get done).
The sad part was that people actually got upset at the request to not volunteer if you don't intend to follow through. I didn't really understand what the objection was, so I won't attempt to repeat it here. But I was surprised to see that anyone would be upset at this. The organizer merely communicated what all of us community leaders and organizers already know - that it really fucking sucks to have most of your team disappear on you when you were counting on them to complete an integral part of the project, so please don't do that.
One project I once volunteered for was actually originally suggested by someone else, who, over time, managed to retreat further and further from the project, leaving me defacto in charge simply because I was the only one left out of the original brainstorming team who was actually doing *anything*. I volunteered because I believed in the goals of the project, and I had a few specialized skills that I thought I could contribute. I have since learned a bunch of other new skills to take up the slack left by the qualified people who found Really Important Things to do & bailed out.
So, that's basically my rant. I'm getting frustrated with people suggesting to me that I ought to do more for my various communities, particularly when those suggestions come from people who have yet to contribute anything to those same communities. So people, if you have a suggestion for your community leaders and organizers, while we really do appreciate feedback and suggestions, what would really please & help your community leaders would be for you to volunteer to (and follow through with) assist or head up whatever it is you're suggesting.
Telling your community leader that what the community needs is a nationwide drive to sell Christmas ornaments with the symbol of your particular community to raise awareness would go over a lot better if, instead of saying "so how about you get on that?", you said "and I will personally hand-paint all the ornaments & distribute them to our sellers across the country". We really do want your feedback, but we really NEED your assistance.
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no subject
Date: 2/8/10 08:20 am (UTC)From:I am relatively(*) active in the Science Fiction Fandom community in the UK and this is perhaps the biggest problem I have seen. Sometimes people say they are going to do something - and then don't. This becomes a nightmare to manage if you were relying on them.
Also - It is very difficult to know how to treat people who volunteer. Many are just plain useless at what they want to do and it is very difficult to tell them "no".
(* Some are more active, many are less active).
> "so how about you get on that?"
Would have been so much nicer if they said "we" instead of "you".
no subject
Date: 2/9/10 12:58 am (UTC)From:That was kinda my point in the next line :-)
Some of the actual words used were "You could do this," and "You could contact these people" and "You could make these things" (emphasis mine).
Yep, I could ... if you can pay my rent so I could quit my job to do it!
Yes, it is difficult when someone wants to volunteer but isn't actually any good at whatever they're volunteering for. It would be easiest if I could say "thanks for the offer, but I already have someone covering that", except, as we just discussed, I probably don't already have someone for that since everyone else promised to do it and then disappeared on me! If you come up with a way to say no that doesn't make someone feel like I just said "sorry, but you totally suck at that and I'm better off with no help than with yours", let me know!
Oh, this old problem...
Date: 2/8/10 02:26 pm (UTC)From:I believe that the crux of this problem is that a vast majority of people were never exposed to volunteer work as children or young adults. They do not understand just how much one gets back from doing it.
I believe another factor is that those people also don't know how to get out of their own way - they are afraid to commit to something that other people might not approve of or that they may just fail at. I know, they should just shut up then, but they're getting that positive feeling volunteering lends, and then realizing what it means, and that's when those people flake out. Now, one of the major reasons I don't like to cook is this very feeling - I get caught on what if it sucks they'll hate me. So I understand this one from the inside, and it is a mental block. These people need to learn to either not volunteer, or to work through what's stopping them from following through.
no subject
Date: 2/8/10 06:58 pm (UTC)From:I also like the "don't volunteer unless you can actually do it" rule, perhaps because last year I definitely over-volunteered myself and then fell down on the job. I think last year's meeting was perhaps structured poorly as well, in that it ended up producing and assigning tasks, rather than responding to what people were really excited about or already doing.
no subject
Date: 2/9/10 01:15 am (UTC)From:I agree with the feelings on last year's meeting. I was getting progressively more frustrated as a project that I had already begun working on kept getting brought up as something the community ought to be doing, as though no one heard me the first dozen times I said I was already doing that.
And then, in spite of the fact that it got suggested several times as something that the community needed, getting people to volunteer for it (and then follow through) was like pulling teeth. I hope this year will be better, but I won't be able to attend :-(
no subject
Date: 2/9/10 03:48 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2/9/10 03:51 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2/10/10 06:25 pm (UTC)From:Fingers crossed, the initial results are good. People have already stepped forward to offer things they think ought to exist, such as assistance for disabled community members, talks, workshops and various gatherings of folk, and I'm really hoping to see something interesting grow out of this soil (and also that it doesn't end all in schisms).
no subject
Date: 2/13/10 10:16 pm (UTC)From:I'm hoping OpenCon is successful, and that we can move in that direction for future events in other areas using that as a model.
no subject
Date: 2/15/10 08:55 pm (UTC)From: