Dealbreakers And "Easing Them In"
Apr. 7th, 2020 10:43 pm#ProTip: If you're interested in someone but have some kind of deep, dark, secret to tell them first, like you're poly or gay or something, and you don't know how to bring it up in the course of propositioning them, then you shouldn't be propositioning them (or hitting on them, or wooing them, or asking them out, or awkwardly trying to flirt with them).
Reveal the deep dark secret first in a way that has nothing at all to do with how you feel about them.
A) You will find out if they're even worth your time before investing any energy into them;
B ) They won't feel like you pulled a bait and switch on them when they agree to a date and then find out afterwards;
C) You can do your teaching moments separate from your flirting or whatever. Trying to get them to like you while teaching them about whatever scary identity label you have is fucking hard and exhausting. Pick one at a time.
Newbies keep thinking that they should "get someone to like them" first, and then kinda ease them into the poly thing. I've heard it occasionally happens to baby gays and baby bis too, but mixed in with those labels is the fear of being bashed. Same with trans people but the fear of bashing is, I'm told, the biggest motivator.
So don't hit on someone first and then tell them your deep dark secret. Find out how they feel about it in the abstract first, then if you feel safe, come out to them, and only then should you try try to hit on them, assuming they are even open to it, which you would know if you did the first two steps.
And honestly, this should go for pretty much any of your deal breakers and identity labels and strongly held positions. I wouldn't even consider asking someone out until I found out how they feel about polyamory, atheism, feminism, Hair Gropenführer, socialism, BDSM, my dangerous job, and my need to obsessively bingewatch old and new TV shows.
Find out the important shit FIRST. Bring it up in conversation in a way that is not related to "hey baby, wanna have a threesome with me and my spouse?" Like, they should know you're partnered BEFORE you ask them out. Don't say "ever bang a pagan before?" if you're concerned about rejection because of your paganism or having to educate them about it simultaneously to beginning a new relationship. Don't say "I have an extra ticket to Barney on Ice when I take my 17 kids to see the show this Saturday if you want to come?" if you're afraid they won't date someone with kids.
There's something psychological that happens when you go "hey, um, I like you and also I'm poly" vs. just talking about polyamory as a thing that exists. The first way, because you've tied it to the liking them part, subconsciously puts all these expectations onto them. Now they're kinda obligated to not only return your feelings, but also get into this poly thing whether they would have ever considered it or not.
People really suck at revealing their feelings while simultaneously remaining responsible for their own feelings. We sorta do this thing like "now that I've said I love you, you must love me back or I'll just die". We do not know how to just experience our own feelings without making the object of our feelings do something about them.
When we tie that revelation of our feelings to this other mind-blowing revelation of secret identities, that's a double whammy of expectation, and even entitlement, put on that other person.
So don't do that. Trust me, separating the two will also take the pressure off of you too. Once you learn how to come out to people in ways that are not connected to your feelings for them, the whole coming out thing itself starts to become less and less of a big deal in general. You aren't invested in their response, they feel less pressure, and it weeds out unsuitables all at once.
Don't "ease them in". Don't look for some magic "right time". Learn to talk about the subject confidently and without attachments BEFORE indicating interest. Everything else becomes much easier as a consequence.
Reveal the deep dark secret first in a way that has nothing at all to do with how you feel about them.
A) You will find out if they're even worth your time before investing any energy into them;
B ) They won't feel like you pulled a bait and switch on them when they agree to a date and then find out afterwards;
C) You can do your teaching moments separate from your flirting or whatever. Trying to get them to like you while teaching them about whatever scary identity label you have is fucking hard and exhausting. Pick one at a time.
Newbies keep thinking that they should "get someone to like them" first, and then kinda ease them into the poly thing. I've heard it occasionally happens to baby gays and baby bis too, but mixed in with those labels is the fear of being bashed. Same with trans people but the fear of bashing is, I'm told, the biggest motivator.
So don't hit on someone first and then tell them your deep dark secret. Find out how they feel about it in the abstract first, then if you feel safe, come out to them, and only then should you try try to hit on them, assuming they are even open to it, which you would know if you did the first two steps.
And honestly, this should go for pretty much any of your deal breakers and identity labels and strongly held positions. I wouldn't even consider asking someone out until I found out how they feel about polyamory, atheism, feminism, Hair Gropenführer, socialism, BDSM, my dangerous job, and my need to obsessively bingewatch old and new TV shows.
Find out the important shit FIRST. Bring it up in conversation in a way that is not related to "hey baby, wanna have a threesome with me and my spouse?" Like, they should know you're partnered BEFORE you ask them out. Don't say "ever bang a pagan before?" if you're concerned about rejection because of your paganism or having to educate them about it simultaneously to beginning a new relationship. Don't say "I have an extra ticket to Barney on Ice when I take my 17 kids to see the show this Saturday if you want to come?" if you're afraid they won't date someone with kids.
There's something psychological that happens when you go "hey, um, I like you and also I'm poly" vs. just talking about polyamory as a thing that exists. The first way, because you've tied it to the liking them part, subconsciously puts all these expectations onto them. Now they're kinda obligated to not only return your feelings, but also get into this poly thing whether they would have ever considered it or not.
People really suck at revealing their feelings while simultaneously remaining responsible for their own feelings. We sorta do this thing like "now that I've said I love you, you must love me back or I'll just die". We do not know how to just experience our own feelings without making the object of our feelings do something about them.
When we tie that revelation of our feelings to this other mind-blowing revelation of secret identities, that's a double whammy of expectation, and even entitlement, put on that other person.
So don't do that. Trust me, separating the two will also take the pressure off of you too. Once you learn how to come out to people in ways that are not connected to your feelings for them, the whole coming out thing itself starts to become less and less of a big deal in general. You aren't invested in their response, they feel less pressure, and it weeds out unsuitables all at once.
Don't "ease them in". Don't look for some magic "right time". Learn to talk about the subject confidently and without attachments BEFORE indicating interest. Everything else becomes much easier as a consequence.