Dealbreakers And "Easing Them In"

#ProTip: If you're interested in someone but have some kind of deep, dark, secret to tell them first, like you're poly or gay or something, and you don't know how to bring it up in the course of propositioning them, then you shouldn't be propositioning them (or hitting on them, or wooing them, or asking them out, or awkwardly trying to flirt with them).

Reveal the deep dark secret first in a way that has nothing at all to do with how you feel about them.

A) You will find out if they're even worth your time before investing any energy into them;

B ) They won't feel like you pulled a bait and switch on them when they agree to a date and then find out afterwards;

C) You can do your teaching moments separate from your flirting or whatever. Trying to get them to like you while teaching them about whatever scary identity label you have is fucking hard and exhausting. Pick one at a time.

Newbies keep thinking that they should "get someone to like them" first, and then kinda ease them into the poly thing. I've heard it occasionally happens to baby gays and baby bis too, but mixed in with those labels is the fear of being bashed. Same with trans people but the fear of bashing is, I'm told, the biggest motivator.

So don't hit on someone first and then tell them your deep dark secret. Find out how they feel about it in the abstract first, then if you feel safe, come out to them, and only then should you try try to hit on them, assuming they are even open to it, which you would know if you did the first two steps.

And honestly, this should go for pretty much any of your deal breakers and identity labels and strongly held positions. I wouldn't even consider asking someone out until I found out how they feel about polyamory, atheism, feminism, Hair Gropenführer, socialism, BDSM, my dangerous job, and my need to obsessively bingewatch old and new TV shows.

Find out the important shit FIRST. Bring it up in conversation in a way that is not related to "hey baby, wanna have a threesome with me and my spouse?" Like, they should know you're partnered BEFORE you ask them out. Don't say "ever bang a pagan before?" if you're concerned about rejection because of your paganism or having to educate them about it simultaneously to beginning a new relationship. Don't say "I have an extra ticket to Barney on Ice when I take my 17 kids to see the show this Saturday if you want to come?" if you're afraid they won't date someone with kids.

There's something psychological that happens when you go "hey, um, I like you and also I'm poly" vs. just talking about polyamory as a thing that exists. The first way, because you've tied it to the liking them part, subconsciously puts all these expectations onto them. Now they're kinda obligated to not only return your feelings, but also get into this poly thing whether they would have ever considered it or not.

People really suck at revealing their feelings while simultaneously remaining responsible for their own feelings. We sorta do this thing like "now that I've said I love you, you must love me back or I'll just die". We do not know how to just experience our own feelings without making the object of our feelings do something about them.

When we tie that revelation of our feelings to this other mind-blowing revelation of secret identities, that's a double whammy of expectation, and even entitlement, put on that other person.

So don't do that. Trust me, separating the two will also take the pressure off of you too. Once you learn how to come out to people in ways that are not connected to your feelings for them, the whole coming out thing itself starts to become less and less of a big deal in general. You aren't invested in their response, they feel less pressure, and it weeds out unsuitables all at once.

Don't "ease them in". Don't look for some magic "right time". Learn to talk about the subject confidently and without attachments BEFORE indicating interest. Everything else becomes much easier as a consequence.

We Need Nuance Around Concepts Like "Problematic"

I've been saying this for several years now. As a former member of the Scorched Earth Club, we need to recognize nuance. We need to stop labeling everything that we don't like as "abuse" or whatever. We need to stop throwing people out for every single infraction.

You, as an individual, can make your own decisions about who to interact with and in what capacity.

But we, as communities, need to have space for mistakes, space for changing minds, space for learning and growing.

And we as individuals within those communities need to learn some coping mechanisms for dealing with people in our communities with whom we have problems that don't require mass shunning or forcing people to "choose" between us.

Because I guaran-fucking-tee that you're not perfect either, and you're also "problematic" to some people.

Losing community is devastating. It's cruel. And it usually doesn't work as a "punishment". It tends to only push people further into whatever mindset is responsible for the behaviour that got them shunned in the first place.

So make very sure that someone is truly a lost cause before pulling the nuclear option. They will not "learn their lesson" and become better people for the shunning, they will likely polarize against the community's values. Some people really need to be dumped. But others need to be pulled in and taught how to be better.

Again, as an individual, you, personally, are not obligated to be The One who teaches everyone how to be better. But we, as a community, ought to be obligated to working harder to learn nuance and to offer better options for redemption and correction than resorting to every infraction with the banhammer.
 

Relationship Management And Negotiation 101

#ProTip: For the record, when a partner complains that they don't see or hear from you enough to be happy, the correct response is *not* to refrain from contacting them or seeing them even more.

Not if you want to keep that relationship, anyway.

You can't turtle up when there is conflict in your relationships. You have to put in even more effort when a partner shares with you what it is they need to feel loved (learn their Love Language).  Believe me, as a conflict-averse introvert, when I start having a problem with someone, even someone I love, my automatic response is to start avoiding them, rationalizing that I need more spoons first.  Don't do that.

If a partner says they aren't getting enough time with you, the very first thing you ought to be doing, especially if you can't alter your schedule immediately to accommodate, is to increase the amount of contact you have with them, via whatever medium they like (texting, FB messaging, phone calls, Facetiming, MarcoPolo, whatever).

Then, you have to be proactive about making time for them.  Look at your calendar and pick a day, any day, and offer that day to them, no matter how far in the future.  If it's a long way off, explain that you can't change your schedule immediately because you already have commitments, but by This Date you will start making changes, so plan a date on This Date.

When someone complains of not getting enough time with you and asks when they can see you again, the correct response is not "I don't know" and leaving it hanging.  PICK A DATE.  Leaving it open-ended like that and making them do all the work to find some time is the Wrong Answer.

Give them a plan to look forward to, so that they can feel confident that change is coming if they're willing to weather the storm just a little longer.  But open-ended "someday things will be different" doesn't help.  If you have to, say you need to consult your calendar and you will get back to them *by a specific time*. And then get back to them by that specific time.  With a date.

Then you negotiate.  You offer a date.  If they say they can't make it, then the ball is in their court and ask them for their next availability.  If the date they offer doesn't work for you, COUNTER-OFFER WITH ANOTHER DATE.

This is a basic adulting skill.  When you reject someone's suggestion for something (and you aren't trying to blow them off or get out of it or whatever), your response should be a counter-offer.  Then theirs should be a counter-offer, and you go back and forth counter-offering until an agreement is reached.

If they don't know the rules to this game either, then you can tell them "OK, if that option doesn't work for you, which one does, then?" to gently lob it back to them.  It's OK to share the work here, but their request was them starting off, so it's your job to make the first offer.

Offer, counter-offer, counter-offer, counter-offer, agreement.  That's the formula, with as many counter-offers as it takes to reach an agreement.

Don't just say "sorry, I don't know" and throw the ball back in their court.  It's your ball now, take a shot.  Remember, ignoring your partners' Bids for Attention is a sure-fire way to kill a relationship.  Like, with something like a 90% death rate.

When your partners give you a clear Bid For Attention, when they share with you their Love Language, you can't get frightened or overwhelmed and just disappear on someone with a parting shot of "I don't know what to do, someday things will change".  You have to actually do the thing, even though it's hard.

Assuming you want to keep the relationship.

**Edit**

For clarity, I'm not talking about anyone asking for anything unreasonable or unrealistic (which is subjective).  I'm talking about when people ask for *something* and the *response* to that something is to do the opposite, with the given that both people still *want* the relationship.  I deliberately did not set any *amounts* because I don't want the amount to be the issue.  It's not even time, in particular, that's just an easy example of something commonly contested in relationships.

The point is to bring to people's awareness the concept of Bids for Attention and the fact that repeatedly ignoring ongoing Bids has a direct link to the demise of a relationship.  For reference, check out The Gottman Institute.

Also the point is to bring to people's awareness the concept of Love Languages, which is the method that a given person will likely offer a Bid for Attention by either expressing their love for someone in a particular way or asking their partner to do a particular thing so that they feel loved.

If we want to maintain our relationships, we need to learn how to speak our partners' Love Languages, whether we like them for ourselves or not.

Also, the point is to introduce a concept that is, apparently, not very well known, which is the offer-counteroffer-counteroffer method of negotiation.

If you actively want to maintain a relationship (of any sort - could be friendship, could be coworkers, could be romantic, whatever) and they suggest something to you that you can't do, the considerate response where you share the emotional labor is to propose a counter-offer, not just say "I don't know" and then stop.

People need to be doing their share of emotional labor and Relationship Management in relationships.

Sexual Assault Allegations Come Out Of My Old High School

With all the sexual assault cases coming out everywhere, I had the opportunity to talk to my mother this week about my very first assault (details to follow).

Honestly, it happened so long ago and was taken care of so thoroughly, that I was starting to doubt it had ever happened.  But then my mother casually mentioned it, so I know it did.  When I was about 5 or so, my godparents' son-in-law tongue-kissed me.  It was at my godfather's retirement party and I was the only kid there and bored out of my mind.  So I went around trying to find an adult to toss the ball around with me in the yard.

Dale said he would.  So we left the front, more formal, room where the party was happening, and walked through the back family room on the way to the back door.  He stopped me before we reached the door and made me sit on the couch.  I was annoyed, because I wanted to go outside and play.  He said some things that I don't really remember, weird pedo type things about how much he liked me and wanted me to respond in kind.  He had me sit on his knee, he rubbed my stomach and chest in a circular motion, and he asked for a kiss.

Groomed by the Baby Boomers to always give "family" a kiss and be affectionate, I complied, but with a quick peck on the cheek as I was getting really annoyed at not making it outside.  He said "no, I mean a real kiss" and put his wet, mustachioed mouth over mine and pushed his tongue inside my mouth (to this day, I do not like kissing men with facial hair).

It didn't last very long, but I thought it was gross and I knew it was wrong somehow without really knowing why it was wrong just that it was gross, but I also didn't want to cause a scene (another thing my proper, middle-class, Boomer family trained in me), so I merely hopped off his knee as soon as he let me and insisted on going outside to play.

I no longer wanted to play with him, but, not knowing what else to do that wouldn't interrupt the party, I just pretended that nothing out of the ordinary had happened and we played ball for a little while.  I have no further memories of that party until the car ride home that night.

It was dark by the time we left.  Mom asked me if I had a good time from the front seat of the car, and I immediately told her what happened.  She and dad stayed calm and they asked why I waited so long to say anything.  I said that I didn't want to interrupt the party.  Mom asked me questions to make sure she had all the details, still remaining calm, and when I was done, told me that I had done the right thing in telling them and that they would take care of everything.

Sometime later, mom said that we would never be seeing Dale again and that he was being punished for being inappropriate with me.

I eventually learned the story of what happened, but I'm not sure how.  I have the feeling that my parents never spoke directly of it to me after that day, but it was spoken with me present to the relevant family members who needed to know what happened, and it was spoken of with, in my opinion, the right degree of disgust, horror, and also "it's not really such a big deal that the child should feel bad about herself".  I don't really know how better to explain it than that.

My parents went to my godparents' daughter (Dale's wife) and told her what happened.  She was pregnant with their only child at the time.  She confronted him, and somewhere in the confrontation (I have no idea if this was all one argument or over a period of time) she learned that he had molested other children besides me.

She decided that he would never set eyes on their child and threw him out, going through a divorce while still pregnant.  I'm told he visited the hospital when the baby was born, but as far as I know, that's the last time anyone ever had contact with him.  I have the feeling that she also pressed charges, but I don't feel confident in that feeling and have no details in my memory about that happening.

My family (those who know the story) seemed to have always responded with exactly the right mix of emotional reactions.  I came away from that encounter with the following lessons:

1) My parents were a safe place to go when a grown-up didn't treat me right.

2) If you report bad grown-ups, the good ones around you will protect you.

3) What happened to me was awful, but

4) it was not so awful that I have to feel bad about myself in any capacity.  It was a big deal that he should be harshly punished for it, but it also wasn't a big deal that I needed to worry about it or feel sullied or dirty or tarnished or broken or at fault or anything else that people typically feel after an assault.

5) I am worthy of love and respect no matter what.

6) There is something Very Wrong with men who like significantly younger women / girls, with men who have urges or attractions for young women / girls / children, and with the culture of men in general that excuse, dismiss, and/or promote these kinds of thoughts and behaviours including entitlement to other people's bodies and emotions, but there is nothing wrong with the women / girls / children who are the recipients of the attention.

While my parents certainly have their faults, and we definitely do not see eye to eye on a lot of things, and like most people, a lot of my issues stem from my parents and my childhood, my parents are *also* very good parents and responsible for most of the good things in my life as well.

This came about because, apparently, more than 20 women who are alumni of my private, all-girls' religious high school have come forward with accusations of sexual assault from teachers at that school and the President (who was the principal when I was a student) just resigned amid the allegations that she dismissed and covered up all the accusations over the years.

The accusations range from more than 30 years ago (before I was a student) to just over 10 years ago, meaning that some of those assaults probably took place while I was attending.  Mom wanted to know if I had ever heard of any such incidents.

I had not.  In my 4 years at that school, I had not once heard any rumors or stories or accusations.  I can't even think of more than 2 male teachers in the entire school at the time I attended.  I even had a friend who was being assaulted by her father, and because of my own lessons in this subject, I turned to the nearest authority figures, my parents and my guidance counselor, and they immediately put things in motion to help protect and rescue my friend.  But that was the only thing I knew of while I was attending that school.

However, I still believe my alumni sisters.

And not just because of some blanket "always believe any and all accusations against men" generic philosophy.  The President stepped down from her post because she thought all the accusations were a "distraction" from all the good work that the school did.  She maintains that she did not ignore, dismiss, or cover up anything, that no assaults ever took place, but since there is now some witch hunt (she did not use that phrase) against her, her presence and the accusations associated with her, are a "distraction" from the school's overall reputation and good deeds.

She thinks the past needs to stay in the past, and that everyone needs to focus on the present and the future of the school and all the good it has done.

That alone confirms her guilt, in my mind.  A truly honest, innocent authority figure who cares about the well-being of the girls in her care would not be afraid of opening up the past to scrutiny if there was nothing to hide.  As the conservatives are so fond of shouting, if she did nothing wrong then a look into her past should exonerate her, shouldn't it?  A look into an innocent past should only showcase the exemplary history of the school and all its good work.  A stellar history only provides a robust foundation for an equally stellar present and future.

The only people *these days* trying to downplay "the past" seem to be people with a past they want to hide.  One would think that one with nothing to hide would instead be proud of one's past.

I have no real point.  I'm not really trying to impart some Pro Tip or advice, I'm not trying to tell a moral fable, and I'm also not really making some current events op-ed, although this post does have a little bit of all the above.  I guess I'm just processing the feelings I have from that conversation with my mother.  I'm kinda relieved to have my memories of that early assault confirmed, right about when I started to doubt my own fallible memories (yay aging and self-gaslighting?).

I'm very proud and grateful for my parents.  I got to express my gratitude to my mom for how they dealt with that situation, and I don't think I had ever done that before.  I'm pleased that we have a moment in our culture where accusations are finally seeing some daylight.  We still have a long way to go before there is any real justice, but we are at the precipice right now where things could be making a turn that we, hopefully, can't go back on.

And I'm a little bit uneasy at hearing the news of such long-term sexual assault happening right under my nose at my high school.  I have only skimmed one article about it, so I'm going to go look up some more to see if any of the accused teachers were publicly named, to see if I knew any of them.  One, in particular, is actually an extended family friend, so I'm a little trepidatious to find out about him.

I think I'm about out of words on this subject right now.

**Update**  Yep, one of the teachers accused was my Spanish teacher, Mr. Fernandez.  He was also a distant friend-of-the-family.  I had not met him until he became my teacher, but he was known to my parents.  I have very strong ties to the world of soccer.  My cousin is a world-famous college soccer coach and his wife is a professional soccer player and 2-time Olympic gold medalist.  This Spanish teacher is also a former Olympian, playing soccer for Spain before I was born.  He was friends with another Spanish soccer player who was friends with that college coach cousin of mine, and that's how our worlds intersected.

So my parents were actually excited to hear that he was going to be my Spanish teacher.  I have no inappropriate associations with him, personally, nor had I been told of anything involving him while attending the school.  The entire sum of my memory of him is sleeping through his class because it was the first period after lunch, and between the heat of the afternoon in the un-air-conditioned building and my sleep disorder that says daytime is sleep time, I never once made it through a class in the 2 years I took Spanish from him without nodding off.

My one clear memory of him was crossing the stage at my graduation ceremony, where he was one of the teachers to shake our hands as we crossed.  He shook my hand and whispered some joke about making sure I stay awake in my college Spanish classes.  That's it.  That's my strongest memory of him.

However, I still believe my alumni sisters.  It's just weird to think of all that history with him and never catching a whiff of the trouble.  And I also wonder how my family reacted to the news, those of them in the soccer circles who knew him personally.  It must be difficult to learn about a trusted family friend being accused of sexual misconduct with minors.

I hope they reacted appropriately.  But since all of this is only being made public after his death, it's also a lot easier to react "appropriately", because nobody has to actually terminate a friendship over it.

This teacher was not the only teacher accused, just the only one whose name I have learned whom I knew.  I'm still processing it.  I will also continue to attempt to learn the identities of the other teachers being accused.  The only other name I have found out was definitely not a teacher during my time there.