Safe Guideline To First Contact Emails

Based on the flood of First Contact emails I get on OKCupid and other dating sites, and based on the numerous responses from other women to my public responses of these First Contact emails, I'm going to assume that there are hoards of men out there who have absolutely no idea how to approach a woman on an online dating site.  So I've developed this handy little guide to help you all out.

First of all, let me preface this with a disclaimer that should be obvious, but, according to my inbox, is not:  WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME PERSON.  How we each prefer to be treated, what we want, and what we like is all very individual, and you ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT make an assumption that, because we all have similar plumbing,  you can treat us the same way.

With that said, however, there is a "safer" approach - a way to contact a woman that has the fewest pitfalls, least number of opportunities to stick your foot in your mouth, and is least offensive to the most number of women.  After you have gotten to know her on an individual level, you can tailor your approach to her individual likes and dislikes.  For instance, if she likes to be complimented, you can do so AFTER you have discovered that she does, in fact, like to be complimented.  But not before.

So, with that, the Safe Guideline* To First Contact Emails:

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Dear [username],

I came across your profile, and, after reading it, I noticed that we have ____ in common. How long have you been interested in ____? What got you interested in ___? I got into ____ by _____.

I also see that you are opposed to ____. Can you tell me why? I have never heard of that before.

It looks like you enjoy ____. That's great! If you like ____, then you might enjoy ____, have you heard of it/them/him/her?

You indicate on your profile that you would like to learn more about ____. I happen to know a bit about ____. It's _____. Can I answer any questions about it for you?

You seem like a ____, ____, _____ person and I would like talk more with you, if you are interested. I hope to hear from you when you get a chance.

Sincerely,
[name or user name]


Whatever you do, do not do the following:

1) Do not skip reading her profile.
2) Do not compliment her on her looks. At all.
3) Do not skip reading her profile.
4) Do not insult her.
5) Do not attempt "backhanded compliments" like in those pickup artist handbooks.
6) Do not give her advice about how to make her profile better.
7) Do not skip reading her profile.
8) Do not offer any sexual activity.
9) Do not send her pictures of your cock.
10) Do not presume to know how she feels if she hasn't outright said how she feels.
11) Do not skip reading her profile.
12) Do not waste your time contacting her if you do not like what she has to say in her profile. If you don't like her, move on.
13) Do not send her the same letter you've sent anyone else.
14) Do not send her a letter that says "I like movies", "I like music", or "I like hanging out". Tell her WHICH movies, music, or what you do when you hang out.
15) Do not skip reading her profile.
16) Do not write a letter that has only 1 or 2 sentences in it.
17) Do not use "netspeak" like "ur" - this is email, not SMS.
18) Do not request a phone call or in-person meetup until you have RECEIVED at least 3 positive responses from her.
19) Do not skip reading her profile.
20) Do not get pissy if she doesn't respond back, or if she responds with a rejection. You are not entitled to her acceptance. Just be glad you dodged that bullet and move on.

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*This letter is a guideline, not a form. Do not copy it word for word. That's too close to violating #13. READ her profile and adapt the suggestions to fit what she actually says in the profile. If she already explains why she is interested in  ____ then you don't need to ask her why she is interested in  _____.

Cross-posted at http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Joreth/journal/17740670489198668865/Safe-Guideline-To-First-Contact-Emails

Hey Ladies...

Bluegenes doesn't think you're worth the effort! He actually said so - in public! Sounds like a GREAT catch, doesn't he?

Seriously. My most recent journal post was some simple advice for how to write a first contact email. The bottom line was to READ THE PROFILE and then write a unique email that referenced things from the profile to show that you read it. That's it. Nothing more fancy than that. In fact, I had a much longer list of things NOT to do.

Then this jackass came along and said that reading a profile & commenting on things you had in common was too much work.

Yes, he said too much work. That's not a paraphrase, you can see it if you read the comments in the post just below this one in my journal.

So, basically, you are not worth the effort of getting to know. All that time you put into writing your profile to make sure it reflected you accurately but positively, to highlight your areas of interest, to weed out people who are obviously incompatible, none of that was worth ANYTHING. You do not matter, you are not important. You are just a body with tits that Bluegenes feels entitled to. He expects you to put forth all the effort when he can't even be bothered to take a few minutes to read the profile to see if you're even available or interested in the same things he is.

I bet his partners feel all sorts of important and special. Or, wait, I got that mixed up. Neglected, ignored, and UNimportant. Sorry, that's what I meant.

(Now see, if he had read my profile, he would have known this is how I would respond and he could have avoided this whole thing by just walking away. The whole POINT of online dating is the profile. Otherwise, go pick up someone in a bar - it's just as random as hitting on women based on their pictures without reading the profile.)

cross-posted at http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Joreth/journal/8331765305174442110/Hey-Ladies...