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Dealing With The Exes
May. 21st, 2008 12:30 pmOK, this has come up several times recently by several people regarding several different exes, so I'm going to make a public announcement because this is one of my pet peeves.
I DO NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEMS ATTENDING SOCIAL FUNCTIONS WITH ANY OF MY EXES OR THEIR CURRENT PARTNERS.
I am friends with or friendly with almost all of my ex-partners, including that asshole who couldn't figure out how to quit the Freaks list a couple years ago. Anyone not actively in my life is only not there because we lost touch over the years, but I would be friendly or polite towards if I ran into them again.
At the very worst, I mean absolutely the most disliked ex-partner ever, I am still capable of remaining politely civil and treating such a person as merely a stranger I haven't met yet and have no interest in outside of polite social conversation within the context of that event.
I've never really understood the inability to get along with exes after a breakup (in fact, I have a whole journal entry planned on this topic, I just haven't gotten around to posting it yet). I do understand having emotional upset immediately after a change in status, but it has never affected my ability to be polite or enjoy a social function at which they just happen to be present. The fact that someone else is breathing the same air somewhere near me doesn't affect my enjoyment of the event in the least. And my goal with all my relationships is to become a friendly ex, so it's pretty rare that I'm just "polite". I want to be genuinely warm and affectionate towards my exes and I work on my issues as quickly as possible to reach that level of friendship. Two of my exes involved me sharing sleeping space that night after our breakup, so, really, I'm good with the exes! Metamours, ex-metamours, and the ex's new girlfriends fall under the same treatment.
It has always driven me nuts to see people breakup and then fight custody battles over the mutual friends, dragging them into the fight, forcing them to choose which one to invite to which gathering or to take sides in the breakup. I absolutely hate that and I think it's totally unfair to the mutual friends.
So it is particularly irritating to me when friends self-regulate their guest list out of imagined fear of awkwardness or drama or, worse, self-censor their discussion out of fear of even mentioning the other person that might cause some angst. Because *I* certainly didn't put them in that position, so it must mean that it's happen enough times with other people that my friends now do this automatically, as the default position and I have to suffer for it, because it hurts my feelings to find that one of us was not invited to a social gathering when the other was. I hate feeling left out and I actively enjoy spending time with many of my exes, particularly in social gatherings with all our mutual friends around.
So, for the record, if anyone happens to have any of my exes in their social circle, I am more than just comfortable with my exes being present, I actively enjoy social gatherings that happen to have my exes present because I am still FRIENDS with them. The few people in my past that I am not friends with do not have overlapping social circles which would cause them to be invited to the same gatherings as I am, but should that happen, I am perfectly capable of being polite, of avoiding drama or big scenes, and of minimizing any awkward tension others might feel with having both of us in the same room.
And while we're at it, I will not play this game either. I do not have the memory or the attention span to remember who is not talking to whom. I make my guest lists public and it is up to each of you to decide if your attendance is dependent upon the presence of any other guest. If you're unsure because you can't see the guest list for any reason, ask me. I do not consider that rude, I understand some people are *not* friendly exes. Also, unless specifically stated, all "partners" (for whatever definition of "partner" you use) are automatically invited to my events when you are.
And no, this post was not sparked by *you* (if any of you think it was), this was sparked by a pattern I've seen emerge and a recent rash of social engagements where various hosts made mention or question of some ex who might or might not be there affecting my desire to attend. Several people, several events, several exes.
*EDIT* - See? This really is a pattern. I totally forgot that I already posted about this very subject a few months ago: http://joreth.livejournal.com/62161.html. That one was a little more generic about me being friendly exes and this one is a little more of a Public Service Announcement that people don't have to be careful about inviting me and my exes or talking about them to me, but I was serious when I said this was not because of *you* - that this keeps coming up over and over again and it's pissing me off.
I DO NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEMS ATTENDING SOCIAL FUNCTIONS WITH ANY OF MY EXES OR THEIR CURRENT PARTNERS.
I am friends with or friendly with almost all of my ex-partners, including that asshole who couldn't figure out how to quit the Freaks list a couple years ago. Anyone not actively in my life is only not there because we lost touch over the years, but I would be friendly or polite towards if I ran into them again.
At the very worst, I mean absolutely the most disliked ex-partner ever, I am still capable of remaining politely civil and treating such a person as merely a stranger I haven't met yet and have no interest in outside of polite social conversation within the context of that event.
I've never really understood the inability to get along with exes after a breakup (in fact, I have a whole journal entry planned on this topic, I just haven't gotten around to posting it yet). I do understand having emotional upset immediately after a change in status, but it has never affected my ability to be polite or enjoy a social function at which they just happen to be present. The fact that someone else is breathing the same air somewhere near me doesn't affect my enjoyment of the event in the least. And my goal with all my relationships is to become a friendly ex, so it's pretty rare that I'm just "polite". I want to be genuinely warm and affectionate towards my exes and I work on my issues as quickly as possible to reach that level of friendship. Two of my exes involved me sharing sleeping space that night after our breakup, so, really, I'm good with the exes! Metamours, ex-metamours, and the ex's new girlfriends fall under the same treatment.
It has always driven me nuts to see people breakup and then fight custody battles over the mutual friends, dragging them into the fight, forcing them to choose which one to invite to which gathering or to take sides in the breakup. I absolutely hate that and I think it's totally unfair to the mutual friends.
So it is particularly irritating to me when friends self-regulate their guest list out of imagined fear of awkwardness or drama or, worse, self-censor their discussion out of fear of even mentioning the other person that might cause some angst. Because *I* certainly didn't put them in that position, so it must mean that it's happen enough times with other people that my friends now do this automatically, as the default position and I have to suffer for it, because it hurts my feelings to find that one of us was not invited to a social gathering when the other was. I hate feeling left out and I actively enjoy spending time with many of my exes, particularly in social gatherings with all our mutual friends around.
So, for the record, if anyone happens to have any of my exes in their social circle, I am more than just comfortable with my exes being present, I actively enjoy social gatherings that happen to have my exes present because I am still FRIENDS with them. The few people in my past that I am not friends with do not have overlapping social circles which would cause them to be invited to the same gatherings as I am, but should that happen, I am perfectly capable of being polite, of avoiding drama or big scenes, and of minimizing any awkward tension others might feel with having both of us in the same room.
And while we're at it, I will not play this game either. I do not have the memory or the attention span to remember who is not talking to whom. I make my guest lists public and it is up to each of you to decide if your attendance is dependent upon the presence of any other guest. If you're unsure because you can't see the guest list for any reason, ask me. I do not consider that rude, I understand some people are *not* friendly exes. Also, unless specifically stated, all "partners" (for whatever definition of "partner" you use) are automatically invited to my events when you are.
And no, this post was not sparked by *you* (if any of you think it was), this was sparked by a pattern I've seen emerge and a recent rash of social engagements where various hosts made mention or question of some ex who might or might not be there affecting my desire to attend. Several people, several events, several exes.
*EDIT* - See? This really is a pattern. I totally forgot that I already posted about this very subject a few months ago: http://joreth.livejournal.com/62161.html. That one was a little more generic about me being friendly exes and this one is a little more of a Public Service Announcement that people don't have to be careful about inviting me and my exes or talking about them to me, but I was serious when I said this was not because of *you* - that this keeps coming up over and over again and it's pissing me off.
