Is It Me?

[joreth]

My point here, Alan, is that there IS a good way to breakup with someone, and it DOESN'T include a POST-IT!
~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex And The City

Phone Conversation:

Brian Smelt: (paraphrasing) I'm sorry, I have to cancel our 3-day vacation together that starts tomorrow.  My grandfather died and I'm leaving right now for St. Pete to be with the family.
Me:  Oh no!  I'm sorry, I know how much he meant to you.  Is there anything I can do?
Brian Smelt: (paraphrasing) No, I don't know how long I'll be there or when I'm coming back home, but I'll call you when I get there so you know I arrived safely
Me: Thank you.  I'm really sorry.  Call or text me anytime for any reason.  I'll be here if you need me.  And let me know when you know what the plan is so I can reschedule our trip.
Brian Smelt: (quoting) OK baby, I love you.  I miss you and I can't wait to see you again.  Goodbye.

***2 weeks pass***

Yes, you read that right, 14 fucking days go by without a single phone call, text message, IM, or email of any sort.  The last thing I heard from him was "I love you, I miss you, and I can't wait to see you again".  The only way I knew he wasn't hit by a bus on the way to St. Pete was because I saw his fucking login stamp on his OKC and his MySpace page several days later.

Normally I don't play the "he said, she said" game online.  I prefer not to drag my exes through the public mud in the sort of catfighting that happens in LJ.  But then again, most of the time my exes are decent people who just happen to not be compatible with me.  In this case, however, he deserves the rank of Online Skeezball for his asshatery.  And, once again, I have only myself to blame as I approached him online first.  We had not been dating very long at all, and the distance made our in-person dates only about a handful of times.  But he had already said he loved me and things seemed to be going perfectly.  He said all the right things and was exactly what I was hoping for.

Then, with no warning, he disappears.

After 2 weeks, I finally drive the 3 hours north to his house to wait for him and find out what happened.  Long story short, he gave me plausible, although unsatisfactory, excuses about his phone getting turned off, his satellite internet dish getting blown away in a storm, etc.  I'm pissed at him for disappearing, he's pissed at me for something I said online ... when he finally checked his email.  I left there with an answer, incomplete though it may have been, and a promise to contact me in 1-2 days with an answer about whether or not to continue the relationship and a promise to return my email if I haven't heard from him by then and I want to prod him to find out what's up. 

I gave him 4 days.  He never returned my email.  I sent him one final email telling him he's an asshole for not breaking up with me properly.

Seriously, do I have a sign over my head that says "Assholes Wanted, Apply Within" or something?

**EDIT**  This guy also made it very clear that he had no interest in a casual relationship and proclaimed many times he felt "seriously" about me.  He went to great lengths to assure me, even when I wasn't asking for it, that this was something long-term and "real".  I actually thought it was kinda early to be making those kinds of statements, but I felt that the things he claimed to want and the person he claimed to be were very much in alignment with what I wanted in a partner. 

His lack of contact was very out of character for the person I thought he was.  He habitually called and texted me several times a day, to the point that my phone bill was nearly 3x my usual amount that month.  He actually freaked out when it took me 2 hours to respond to a text from him once.  Regular and instant contact was the norm here ... until his little disappearing act.

When he did disappear, I did give him a few days before I started to freak out.  After all, I knew his grandfather had just died and things were likely chaotic.  But when I saw the login timestamp on his profiles several times and no responses to my emails at all, that was just unacceptable.  He had time to check his MySpace but not to email me with "sorry, things are fucked up, I'll call you in a couple of weeks"?  There was absolutely no one with a cell phone he could borrow to call me and say "quit emailing me, I'm breaking up with you"?

Comments

[aclaro.livejournal.com]

It's my observation that in casual dating, even if there's love, it's not uncommon for great stretches of time to pass without communication. Also, I've noticed that it's not uncommon for dating to kind of taper off instead of ending officially.
He said he would contact you, and then he didn't, and that's not cool. But I don't know if his behavior is really that unusual in a casual dating context.

[joreth]

This is a guy who got upset when it took me 2 hours to return one of his text messages, and routinely texted and called me so often that he trippled my phone bill that month. So it was really out of character for him, which is what got me so upset.

[joreth]

Oh, also, we had the "is this casual or serious" conversation, and he insisted several times that he was absolutely not interested in a casual relationship with me. He was telling me that he was making long-term actual plans, like Christmas vacations and introductions to the family. As I said in my final email, that had he wanted a casual relationship, that would have changed my expectations of how he should behave, and all he needed to do was say so and I'd stop freaking out about the lack of contact.

[aclaro.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my first boyfriend did this to me. It's the "emotionally disarm the other person and then become a sociopath," technique. Of course, he was 14; one expects a bit more from adults.

[joreth]

Yeah, I've had this done to me several times. The most frustrating part of all is that it's so unnecessary. I'm not opposed to casual sex, so I don't *need* to be "emotionally disarmed" first. In fact, doing it that way causes more drama as the person who is emotionally hurt reacts and does all kinds of things to cause trouble, like obsessively calling, emailing, and MySpace stalking ... not to mention driving 3 hours north and parking in the driveway to wait for someone to come home.

If people were just honest about what they wanted, there are plenty of ways to get casual sex ... some of them even from me specifically. But I've come to realize that expecting honesty is apparently asking too much.

I told tacit recently that I used to think I was a "low-maintenance" partner, but I've decided that I must be "high-maintenance" because of all the communication and honesty I require. He said "you're not high-maintenance at all, you just have very high expectations".

It's very depressing to me that "honesty, communication and respect" are considered "high expectations", to the point that most people think it's excessive and are unwilling to even attempt to comply (see the most recent Online Skeezball post just prior to this one). It's like looking for the simple, basic, "black dress" we were talking about at Frolicon. Apparently the basics are too much to ask for, but we can get tassles and sequins and bright colors (i.e. drama and game playing). It seems to me the amount of effort that goes into avoiding the "work" involved with the basics far outweighs whatever work is required for those basics. But maybe that's just me?

[aclaro.livejournal.com]

If we were local I would totally ask you to be my hetero life mate.
just sayin.

[joreth]

is it possible to have long distance hetero life mates?

I'm just askin ;-)

Cuz I'd totally say yes.

You're actually the example of a "metamour that works" that I use most frequently when explaining anything in polyamory ... particularly how it's possible to have difficulties and misunderstandings and differences and *still* be totally accepting of that metamour as a metamour and trusting that any difficulties will be worked out one way or another because of the two people involved being committed to honesty, communication, and relationships in general.

Your dedication to honesty and communication is the most reassuring quality in a relationship partner of any kind that I never worry about any temporary negative situations we get into. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate all your efforts in the past and future, even when we disagree :-)

[aclaro.livejournal.com]

I feel like enough time has passed and we've seen each other behave in a variety of situations - some better than others, that I can say I trust you absolutely. I feel I can trust you to be accepting, forgiving and honest. And of my female friends, you have been one of the most willing and able to let some of my sharper edges roll off of you.
So, yeah, at minimum, we can be anchors for each other. Just know that I'm a 3am when things go to hell kind of friend. (err, meaning I'm someone you can call, hopefully I won't ever cause things to go to hell :) )

[joreth]

I feel exactly the same way about you :-)