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I contacted him first. Apparently, people haven't figured out how to use the internet. His profile seemed so promising too - like someone who might even fit in with the social group even if he and I weren't a romantic match. *sigh* He's an aerospace engineer who writes code for a living and he seemed to have a wide variet of interests. What he ended up being was totally opposed to even the most superficial of online dialogs before meeting in person, responding to every request for an internet dialog with "I don't want a pen-pal, I want to meet real people" and an accusation for said request of being "paranoid".
Joreth 03/28/2009 - 7:20pm OKC says we're a fairly high match, so I thought I'd message you to say hi. Based on one small comment you said about looking for someone special, I'm going to guess that you're not interested in polyamory, so I assume a romantic match is out, but you indicate you're interested in friendship too.
I'm also not fond of kids in general, although once they reach an age that starts developing personalities, I've been known to like one or two. I adore my nephew, for instance, because he's just a neat kid and I'd like him even if we weren't related. Since I'm not interested in parenthood, I don't find my disinterest in kids to be much of a problem, usually, but, again, I figure it's something that would prevent a possible romantic connection with you. That's one of the benefits to polyamory, though - I can have a partner who has children because I don't *have* to be a co-parent and if he is interested in one, he is free to find one. It seem to work out pretty well for my friends who are also parents, at least.
And now that I've just spent 2 paragraphs telling you why we don't match up, how about I attempt to turn down the negativity some and talk about some of the things we do have in common?
I'm pretty rusty on my own math and science skills, but I tend to get along better with people who are the sciency/engineer types and most of my friends are such, in heart if not in career. In fact, one of my good friends works at NASA and another good friend has a friendly rivalry with my boyfriend where they compete to see which of them will take over the world with robots and nanotechnology ;-)
I also have a wide variety of interests - I like dressing up and going out, I like hanging around the house being lazy, I like getting dirty and working on projects - especially anything mechanical. I used to *love* hiking in the mountains in California, but since I have an aversion to the humity and I'm allergic to mosquitoes, I don't do many outdoor activities here in Florida.
I appreciate people who are not interested in games and who value honesty. It's a far too rare trait in people, even in people who claim they like honesty. I'm quickly discovering that being honest and being open about what's on one's mind is a difficult skill for many people to master - or even just practice.
I also appreciate the combination of rationality and passion. That is also a rare combination and something that I look for in all my friends. I'm not looking for permanent "pen-pals", I am interested in actually meeting real people and developing friendships with them, but I may take a bit of time before I agree to meet someone in person - every time I jump into things, it ends disasterously, so I've learned to be cautious. I do, however, have friends who are long-distance, so I do actually have people I call friends whom I interact with almost entirely online.
Although St. Pete is a bit of a drive, I recently moved to from Orlando from Tampa, so most of my friends are down that direction and I can often be persueded to visit, so if my profile or my email hasn't put you off, an eventual meetup is possible.
Anyway, this is pretty long, so I'll end it here and hope to hear from you. Even if you are completely uninterested in any form of contact, I would appreciate a message to that effect.
~"Joreth"
Well Joreth, thanks for writing since I'm glad you did.
Though I do concider the possibility of meeting my ideal woman who might be able to occupy my time I'm very open to polyamory. In fact my current status on MySpace is even speaking of such things, lol
http://MySpace.com/TonyRawson
Unfortunately I don't have the time this morning to respond to all your points but I like what you have to say about yourself so lets get get to know each other better.
Tony
Well, if you're actually open to the idea of polyamory, then I suppose at some point you ought to visit my website and see what kind of poly I'm into :-) Also, have you been to PolyTampa yet? It's the closest poly group to where you live.
Thanks for messaging me back, I look forward to hearing from you when you have more time to write.
No I haven't, if you wanna give me the addy I'll check it out.
I'm a big believer in a meet and greet once someone grabs my attention to see how the coversation and chemistry goes in the real world. Perhaps sometime when our schedulles allow it you could join me for a tasty beverage. ;)
T
I don't have any set time schedule for when I meet people ... how well we connect online usually sets the timing for when I'm ready to meet someone in person, which can vary from person to person. As a female, I have to be more cautious about it by necessity, but if I wasn't interested in the potential to meet someone, I wouldn't have messaged them in the first place :-) or, at least, I would have said so up front that meeting was unlikely (like someone who lived really far away).
My website is www.theinnbetween.net and the poly pages are at www.theinnbetween.net/poly1.html and PolyTampa's website is www.polytampa.com - I haven't attended in a few years, since the people who used to host it moved away and it didn't get started back up again until I moved to Orlando, but I used to go as often as my work schedule allowed.
There is also a poly group here in Orlando that I am more likely to attend (www.polycentral.com) and if you're willing to make the drive, I'll probably go to the meetup this Sunday (PolyC always meets the first Sunday of every month).
I have a tendency to be more comfortable meeting people for the first time at group events, so if there are any group or public social events happening conveniently around the time I'm ready to meet someone, that is my preference.
Since you suggested a meeting immediately after the statement "once someone grabs my attention", I assume this means that *I* have grabbed your attention, but you haven't said much in response to my initial email. So, any thoughts? Observations? Comments?
Sorry for the long delay, I was out of town for a while.
I am pleased to hear that you might return some interest in meeting me. However, I am disappointed to see your reluctance to even begin getting to know each other online. Because of the distance, should a friendship or a romantic relationship ever develop, there will necessarily be some online communication required. Your profile interested me, but as you may have discovered if you have done any in-person meeting of people online, profiles do not tell the whole story and often tell a story that bears little to no resemblance to reality. I require a little more effort at getting to know me (and vice versa) from people interested in meeting me than a couple of short paragraphs reiterating how much you prefer to meet in person. You have asked me nothing about myself and have not answered any questions I asked about you.
So I think, perhaps, we are not suited for each other, and I thank you for your time. Should your interest in me increase greater than your dislike for written communication, you can always find me here again.
Well, like I said before, I'm not looking for a pen-pal or cyber partner here hun.
If its not possible to manage a meet and greet I figure there is likely to be very little time for additional rendezvous eithers.
For that reason you are probably right, there is not likely going to be a connect between us but good luck on your search anyways hun.
What a shame too, it looks like you could have been lots of fun. ;)
T
I'm not looking for a pen pal either, but you haven't shown even the barest attempt to get to know me at all or assist in me getting to know you, so I conclude you're not really interested.
I'm actually wondering why you're so insistent on meeting in person without even the benefit of a conversation. Perhaps you are not aware, being male, but females are often plagued with requests from guys who insist on meeting right away whose intentions are not honorable. The more you resist even so much as a simple dialog, the more suspicious I become. Your profile is not a connection or a dialog, and it is a connection I am looking for. The dialog is not a lie-detector test, nor is it an interview, it is to see if we have any kind of connection at all.
You are using a written medium to meet people, and those people tend to be fairly comfortable and interested in incorporating said written medium into their relating to each other. It is, at the very least, an additional tool to communicate, especially for those of us for whom writing is easier than verbal communication, or who have odd hours and can write when other people prefer to sleep.
As I've already said several times, my intention with this service is to meet people that I will *eventually* meet in person, providing we find some sort of connection to make the risk of meeting in person worth the effort. I was very interested in getting to know you and eventually meeting, which is why I contacted you in the first place. I am no longer. You do not need to contact me futher.
Well, you seem very overly paranoid and cautious I must say.
As I said, I was eager to meet you since I had just become single again and you were someone I wanted to get to know better. I prefer to do that in person, as previously stated.
We did have a more than simple dialog and here you are still doubting everything and wanting to drag out our on line correspondance.
Good luck with finding someone out here if your filter and selection process is as mucked up as this.
Thank you, but I have "found someone" - several someones, as a matter of fact and several of them I found through OKC, so my filter and selection process seems to be working just fine at weeding out the undesirables and keeping those who are genuinely interested in getting to know me and letting me get to know them. I just thought you seemed interesting enough to get to know on a personal level, as opposed to reading what amounts to a personals ad from a stranger. That is not a connection, it's impersonal data. Our dialog consisted entirely of an argument over whether or not to write to each other before meeting in person - hardly what I'd call interesting.
All it really would have taken was a handful or less of personal, interesting email correspondence that showed some interest in who I was and a desire to share who you were with me. That's not "overly paranoid and cautious" by any stretch of the definition. That's how this whole internet dating thing works - you approach someone, you trade a few emails where you talk about yourselves and each other, then you meet. You want to skip right to the meeting part, where I asked only for a few emails first.
I think a bar might be a little better suited to your methods. You should try meeting girls there.
hun, like you I don't have any problems either and I have my own way of doing things. It appears with you its either your way or the highway.
We were maintaining a dialog before you got all pissy about my wanting to meet you. Just cause you want to put me down since I'm not looking for a bunch of virtual pen pals or wanting to answer a long on line questionair from you instead of having a comfortable dialog doesn't mean I'm some barfly pick up artist or that there is anything wrong with me.
I'm very picky about who I date. Its not like I drag home everyone I meet in person to fuck so your assumption skills could use a major adjustment.
Oh, fuck off
blocked
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no subject
Date: 4/20/09 12:28 am (UTC)From:My usual tactic is to allow someone one chance to adjust an attitude, and failing that he gets a goodbye and is blocked, no more chances. This is because my life is full already and I just don't have time to attempt to educate those who see white hair and seem to loose their minds.
If you don't enter into this online contact idea already grown up, it is not the medium in which to learn what you're doing wrong. We only get about 22% of our information like this. Everything else is nonverbal! It's pretty freaky that it works at all, really. :-)
no subject
Date: 4/20/09 12:44 am (UTC)From:I really didn't like the "hun" either, but I am trying a new method out - being nice before losing my temper. It doesn't seem to be any more effective and, in fact, seems to take even longer.
no subject
Date: 4/20/09 03:37 am (UTC)From:My only real suggestion is to keep your word count down. Clarity is best conveyed with fewer words. I laughed when you had to point out to him that you were not in need of anyone else. He'd apparently totally missed that part of your profile.
(I send a "read my profile!" note and then block any moron who wants to be my one true love. That's happened twice, and both were Italians in Italy. LOL)
no subject
Date: 4/20/09 03:44 am (UTC)From:Not only did he miss that part of my profile, he missed the part in my email where I referenced a boyfriend and the more-than-one-place where I pointed out a romantic relationship between us was unlikely.
Although it irritates me to be called terms of "endearments" by strangers, Florida is technically part of the South and I work with construction-worker-type guys. As with the battle of the Holding Open Doors, if I pitched a fit every time someone did it, I'd never stop yelling. So I learned to ignore it, at least when there were bigger issues to pick at and save it for a less hostile time.
no subject
Date: 4/20/09 07:38 am (UTC)From:Oh, I meant to add... the third bit that made me uncomfortable was the way his response was to try to tear down your self-esteem by saying how you'd never find anyone if you continued doing things in a way he disliked. Not to say that your method made you a bad match for him, but that your method was bad. He also called you paranoid and other things that seemed to be aimed at making you question your judgement and your personality.
The sum total really added up to a very disturbing total for such a short exchange with someone who is basically a stranger.
no subject
Date: 4/21/09 01:01 am (UTC)From:Actually, it wasn't really a case of the pot and kettle because I never said I *wouldn't* meet him, but he adamantly refused to compromise on the correspondence thing. In fact, I *did* suggest a meeting at a poly function way back in like the 2nd response.
It's these kinds of bizarre extreme reactions that I get from guys even when I'm trying to be nice that have given me the huge chip on my shoulder that I have today. Since most women don't seem to respond to emails at all, especially when they've decided to rule the guy out, I thought it was nicer to explain what it was that turned me off, and I tried to do so in a way that simply suggested we didn't click, not that it was a flaw or something in him (although I think my comment about meeting girls in bars could reasonably be taken as a cheap shot too, but that was later).
no subject
Date: 4/20/09 02:44 pm (UTC)From:Hey, you tried. He failed. 'nuff said IMHO. He came across pretty clearly as a pinhead, and it is too bad but you know, better in print than in person.
no subject
Date: 4/20/09 01:25 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/20/09 03:31 am (UTC)From:Any "endearment" which is just a habit and means nothing at all, or is in fact a sign of disdain, is grounds for snarling. Okay, sometimes you have to be polite to the great-aunt, but from strangers or new acquaintances? No. It is a level of familiarity they have not yet (never will) earn. It crosses the line of politeness and enters into that big gray area of potentially getting shot. :-)
no subject
Date: 4/20/09 07:33 am (UTC)From:As soon as he did that, it looked like he wasn't being respectful.
I'm not opposed to terms like "hun" or "love" or "dear" even from people I'm not in a romantic relationship with. However, they are often done in a way that is very offensive. I basically consider them to be tricky. Basically, if you can get away with it without offending the person you're saying them too, great. But if you don't know enough to know when they will be well received you should avoid them.
This is a lot like guys who are very physically affectionate in ways that make other people think they're likely to be crossing lines. Some guys can do that but actually know where those lines are and the women they do it too are okay with it. If you're clever enough to know those lines, you can do things that appear bad but aren't. But if you're not that skilled (I'm certainly not and I actually find it quite impressive when someone is) then play it safe and don't do those things and make sure you have clear explicit consent.
Those huns struck me as massively offensive. Even while some people say "hun" and it strikes me as truly caring and kind and friendly.
no subject
Date: 4/21/09 01:11 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/22/09 06:51 am (UTC)From:About "mischevious_one": many things were off-putting, of course, but one in particular, for me: this guy doesn't understand what dialog is. Really, he just doesn't get it! It seems like he calls an exchange of letters "a dialog" without any regard to the *content* of these letters. It even seems, at times, like he doesn't actually read them in full (like your profile!). I strongly suspect that he's the same in person -- he probably thinks that people are having "a connection" any time when there are words being exchanged... It's all "going through the motions" of communication, not real communication.
no subject
Date: 4/22/09 11:50 pm (UTC)From:But, it's not just that. These things are little tests, to weed out people early on that are just not compatible. My existing partners and social network are of very high importance to me and I will not, for example, divide my time between them and a new partner. I cannot date someone who will not "share" me with my friends in social settings. So, one of the first things I do is invite someone to a party or gathering very early on to see how they handle being thrust among my wacky friends. it's intimidating, but if you're intimidated by meeting the friends of a woman you are hoping to date, then you're not a good match for me, since my friends and partners are so important to me and I have limited time, and therefore have to multi-task by having some of my "quality time" also be "shared time". Plus, I just enjoy social events and I hate having partners who refuse to spend time socially. It makes me feel too compartmentalized and sometimes like someone's "secret". Friends are also good sounding boards, to help give us an outside perspective about our relationships, and they can't do that if they never see them.
Another test is this dialog issue. As you pointed out, he clearly does not understand what a "dialog" is. I spent a great deal of my time composing long and thoughtful emails, explaining about myself and inviting him to talk about himself. His half of the exchange was "that's neat, let's meet!" This is just not acceptable. Conversation, in particular, the exchange of ideas on an extremely wide and varied range of topics, is something I need to feel satisfied in a fulfilling relationship, whether it's platonic or romantic. I want someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know me and hearing what's on my mind, and someone who is genuinely interested in sharing his life and his thoughts back with me. This guy, clearly, doesn't fit the bill.
I understand people have different mediums that are easier or more difficult for them, so as I tried to explain, I have no problem with the idea of meeting in person. But text is *my* easiest medium and the distance between us necessarily makes a comfort with emails a requirement for any kind of relationship, so any potential partner or friend absolutely has to be willing to accomodate this medium just as I was willing to accomodate him by meeting in person. If you notice, I actually *did* suggest a meetup by my second email, it's just that he was unable to attend and then strongly resisted any attempt to communicate in the interim until the next possible meetup. So I totally agree with your assessment here.