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Sometimes I'm a bit confused about what makes a person categorize someone as a "friend" (little f"), buddy, acquaintence, etc., or a Friend (big F). Sometimes, the things people do for one category seems counterintuitive, or at least, misleading. I know that a lot of misunderstandings are due to unspoken assumptions. But sometimes there are some contradictions that just make me open my eyes wide in shock.
The cut title seems incongruent, but it really does have a connection.
There's something about stagehands. They seem to value friendship more highly than others. When I talk about stagehands in this entry, I'm talking about a particular mindset of person. They can be actual stagehands, or techs, or roadies, or whatever title in the entertainment industry they prefer to use. I'm also pretty sure that this mindset I'm about to talk about is not created by the job, but rather people with this mindset seem to be attracted to this job, so I find a large concentration of similar people in one industry. So I could be talking about people who are actually stagehands, or I could be talking about people who are not in the industry, but would really enjoy working in it.
Back to the point. There's something about stagehands. I have mixed feelings about stagehands. On the one hand, they're bigoted, offensive, coarse, tactless, narrow-minded people who believe that whatever position they have on any subject is the Right Way. I tend to limit my emotional connection to them pretty extremely. These guys are "buddies".
For my Friends, I prefer to share the more intimate parts of myself (emotionally-speaking) with people who are open-minded, tolerant, understanding, caring and intelligent. Not that stagehands aren't caring or intelligent, mind you. But I noticed something unusual today.
My buddies, my friends, my acquaintences who are stagehands (or stagehand mentality), will bend over backwards to help someone in need, whether that person is a friend, Friend, or stranger. I've known people who don't seem willing to inconvenience themselves for Friends, Lovers, Partners, Significant Others. Doesn't this seem a little backwards?
My buddies (friends - little "f") always let their friends sleep over when someone doesn't have anywhere else to go. It's common for my friends to say "I won't be home, but I'll just call my roommate and let them know you're coming over. Help yourself to my room". My friends will get out of bed at 3 in the morning to pick up a buddy who's too drunk to drive. My stagehand friends will say "I have a lot of things going on right now, but if you need couch space, it's yours, or if you need a ride somewhere, you can borrow my car or I'll come pick you up". Meanwhile, I've known people to tell their significant others "I'm sorry, I have homework (or housework) and it would be inconvenient to have you stay here tonight, even though you won't get here until it's time for bed and you'll leave before I wake up, and even though I have a couch in another room where I won't even see you at all, and even though you are totally content to entertain yourself with a book quietly in a corner all night." OK, so I haven't had someone say those exact words, but the idea is the same.
One would think that your partners, significant others, and Friends would be the first to inconvenience themselves to help you out. But I find I can rely on my friends more often in a pinch, and that's sad.
Before anyone starts getting offended and pointing out all the times they've come to my aid, I want to stress now that I certainly don't think *all* non-stagehands treat their Friends this badly, nor do I think all stagehands are this reliable ... not by a longshot. Of course I have had Friends who travelled 80 miles to spend all day being one of 3 people moving an entire apartment full of stuff in one day across town, and I've had partners who offer me crash space all the time. It just strikes me as odd that the *only* time my "friends" have ever turned me down for aid was when they physically could not accomodate me (like the time my buddy was in Texas and had no way to get me a housekey to let me into his place when I needed a place to stay that night). And I have had to ask some pretty unreasonable requests of my friends.
On the flip side, just about everyone I call Friend has let me down at least once, and some more often than I think a person deserving of the big F should. Of course, people can't accomodate their friends or Friends every single time, and for the most part I totally understand the reason for denying me aid. I just think that sometimes, people have their priorities a little backwards when I can call up someone I just met yesterday and have a couch to sleep on tonight, but someone who professes to care about me asks me to find somewhere else to stay because he has something to do at his house that will occupy his attention. I can't even imagine telling someone I cared about that they couldn't sleep over if they were in town. I could imagine telling them "I have a TON of stuff to do, so I can't spend any time with you, but the bed is all yours, have a good night's sleep!" I guess that's because I'm a stagehand.
A thread that pops up with disturbing regularity on PMM is a question to do with Friends, and the discrepancies they notice in how they treat their Friends and how their friends treat them. It really has to do with mismatched expecations. Someone puts the big F in the word without really finding out if the "friend" is reciprocating, then feels let down when the Friend turns out to be a friend.
In my case, I seem to find the opposite. My friends come through for me consistantly. I have always tried to do the same. My Friends seem to let me down more often. One could pose the argument that perhaps because someone is a Friend, there is more opportunity to come to my aid, and therefore a higher probability of them letting me down, whereas someone who is a friend, I might not ask of them as often, therefore it's easier for them to come through every time. In other words, if I have a Friend, I might ask them for, say, crash space, 3 days every week, but I might ask a friend once a month. If I'm asking 3 days a week, every week, it's likely (and reasonable) that my friend will need to turn me down to take care of his own needs. Since I'm only asking my friend once a month, it's not as much of a strain.
I would say, if that case were true, then it's a perfectly logical argument. However, it is not always true. Because of the frequency with which I travel to Orlando (or move, for that matter), I actually do request help from my friends at least as often as my Friends. This week, for instance, I needed a place to crash for 3 days in a row. I'm staying with my buddy, Don. He had a chance to have his daughter spend the night this weekend and said he wasn't available that night, but the other nights were cool. Well, the first day I was to stay over, he had not yet heard from his daughter's mother if/when he was getting her, so he had no idea what was going on. The second night was the night he was *trying* to have his daughter come over, so I tried to find another place to stay. I couldn't. I had resolved myself to either sleeping in my car or renting a hotel room. I called him up after work just in case.
He did end up getting a hold of the ex and did have his daughter with him. But he immediately offered me the couch anyway. I protested, reminding him that he wanted to have the night free to be with his daughter. He cut me off and said there was no way I was spending money on a hotel, to come over right away, everything was cool.
Before calling him, though, I tried another buddy of mine. His answer was "I'm working all night so I can't be there to get you in, but if you can't find anywhere else, call me back and I'll call my roommate and let him know you're coming over".
Remember, these are friends ... buddies ... people I see only occasionally and have very little intimate connection to. They do this routinely for their friends. I know ... I work with them all.
In the past, I've had Friends neglect to call me back when they knew I was counting on their return call. I've been told that I was inconvenient. I've been told that the reason they didn't want me to come over was because they had homework or housework or work they brought home. I don't know what that has to do with me since, as I said above, I am totally content to sit in a corner and read all night. Chances are I'd probably just want to fall asleep right away anyway, and I'm not disturbed by light or noise, so *I* think I'm not a disruption to anyone's routine or activities.
Also, keep in mind that I'm a very strong Introvert and I really really really like my "alone time", so I can identify with not *wanting* houseguests. I've also had partners who have stayed at my place so many nights in a row that I felt like they had unofficially moved in, and my house has never been large enough to accomodate a second permanent resident. So I'm not complaining that people would turn me down when I need a hand. I'm commenting on a mindset that allows one set of people to treat non-intimate friends with compassion and another set of people who give less of themselves to people on the innermost level of their monkeysphere than the first set of people give to near-strangers.
Unfortunately, so many of my "friends" share the other less-desirable qualities of stagehand that I listed above, plus a few more that I didn't list, like excessive smoking and drug use. That's the reason I keep myself so emotionally unavailable while offering so much hospitality to these people. It's too bad, because every once in a while, I think maybe *I* need to recategorize my friends.
There's something about stagehands. They seem to value friendship more highly than others. When I talk about stagehands in this entry, I'm talking about a particular mindset of person. They can be actual stagehands, or techs, or roadies, or whatever title in the entertainment industry they prefer to use. I'm also pretty sure that this mindset I'm about to talk about is not created by the job, but rather people with this mindset seem to be attracted to this job, so I find a large concentration of similar people in one industry. So I could be talking about people who are actually stagehands, or I could be talking about people who are not in the industry, but would really enjoy working in it.
Back to the point. There's something about stagehands. I have mixed feelings about stagehands. On the one hand, they're bigoted, offensive, coarse, tactless, narrow-minded people who believe that whatever position they have on any subject is the Right Way. I tend to limit my emotional connection to them pretty extremely. These guys are "buddies".
For my Friends, I prefer to share the more intimate parts of myself (emotionally-speaking) with people who are open-minded, tolerant, understanding, caring and intelligent. Not that stagehands aren't caring or intelligent, mind you. But I noticed something unusual today.
My buddies, my friends, my acquaintences who are stagehands (or stagehand mentality), will bend over backwards to help someone in need, whether that person is a friend, Friend, or stranger. I've known people who don't seem willing to inconvenience themselves for Friends, Lovers, Partners, Significant Others. Doesn't this seem a little backwards?
My buddies (friends - little "f") always let their friends sleep over when someone doesn't have anywhere else to go. It's common for my friends to say "I won't be home, but I'll just call my roommate and let them know you're coming over. Help yourself to my room". My friends will get out of bed at 3 in the morning to pick up a buddy who's too drunk to drive. My stagehand friends will say "I have a lot of things going on right now, but if you need couch space, it's yours, or if you need a ride somewhere, you can borrow my car or I'll come pick you up". Meanwhile, I've known people to tell their significant others "I'm sorry, I have homework (or housework) and it would be inconvenient to have you stay here tonight, even though you won't get here until it's time for bed and you'll leave before I wake up, and even though I have a couch in another room where I won't even see you at all, and even though you are totally content to entertain yourself with a book quietly in a corner all night." OK, so I haven't had someone say those exact words, but the idea is the same.
One would think that your partners, significant others, and Friends would be the first to inconvenience themselves to help you out. But I find I can rely on my friends more often in a pinch, and that's sad.
Before anyone starts getting offended and pointing out all the times they've come to my aid, I want to stress now that I certainly don't think *all* non-stagehands treat their Friends this badly, nor do I think all stagehands are this reliable ... not by a longshot. Of course I have had Friends who travelled 80 miles to spend all day being one of 3 people moving an entire apartment full of stuff in one day across town, and I've had partners who offer me crash space all the time. It just strikes me as odd that the *only* time my "friends" have ever turned me down for aid was when they physically could not accomodate me (like the time my buddy was in Texas and had no way to get me a housekey to let me into his place when I needed a place to stay that night). And I have had to ask some pretty unreasonable requests of my friends.
On the flip side, just about everyone I call Friend has let me down at least once, and some more often than I think a person deserving of the big F should. Of course, people can't accomodate their friends or Friends every single time, and for the most part I totally understand the reason for denying me aid. I just think that sometimes, people have their priorities a little backwards when I can call up someone I just met yesterday and have a couch to sleep on tonight, but someone who professes to care about me asks me to find somewhere else to stay because he has something to do at his house that will occupy his attention. I can't even imagine telling someone I cared about that they couldn't sleep over if they were in town. I could imagine telling them "I have a TON of stuff to do, so I can't spend any time with you, but the bed is all yours, have a good night's sleep!" I guess that's because I'm a stagehand.
A thread that pops up with disturbing regularity on PMM is a question to do with Friends, and the discrepancies they notice in how they treat their Friends and how their friends treat them. It really has to do with mismatched expecations. Someone puts the big F in the word without really finding out if the "friend" is reciprocating, then feels let down when the Friend turns out to be a friend.
In my case, I seem to find the opposite. My friends come through for me consistantly. I have always tried to do the same. My Friends seem to let me down more often. One could pose the argument that perhaps because someone is a Friend, there is more opportunity to come to my aid, and therefore a higher probability of them letting me down, whereas someone who is a friend, I might not ask of them as often, therefore it's easier for them to come through every time. In other words, if I have a Friend, I might ask them for, say, crash space, 3 days every week, but I might ask a friend once a month. If I'm asking 3 days a week, every week, it's likely (and reasonable) that my friend will need to turn me down to take care of his own needs. Since I'm only asking my friend once a month, it's not as much of a strain.
I would say, if that case were true, then it's a perfectly logical argument. However, it is not always true. Because of the frequency with which I travel to Orlando (or move, for that matter), I actually do request help from my friends at least as often as my Friends. This week, for instance, I needed a place to crash for 3 days in a row. I'm staying with my buddy, Don. He had a chance to have his daughter spend the night this weekend and said he wasn't available that night, but the other nights were cool. Well, the first day I was to stay over, he had not yet heard from his daughter's mother if/when he was getting her, so he had no idea what was going on. The second night was the night he was *trying* to have his daughter come over, so I tried to find another place to stay. I couldn't. I had resolved myself to either sleeping in my car or renting a hotel room. I called him up after work just in case.
He did end up getting a hold of the ex and did have his daughter with him. But he immediately offered me the couch anyway. I protested, reminding him that he wanted to have the night free to be with his daughter. He cut me off and said there was no way I was spending money on a hotel, to come over right away, everything was cool.
Before calling him, though, I tried another buddy of mine. His answer was "I'm working all night so I can't be there to get you in, but if you can't find anywhere else, call me back and I'll call my roommate and let him know you're coming over".
Remember, these are friends ... buddies ... people I see only occasionally and have very little intimate connection to. They do this routinely for their friends. I know ... I work with them all.
In the past, I've had Friends neglect to call me back when they knew I was counting on their return call. I've been told that I was inconvenient. I've been told that the reason they didn't want me to come over was because they had homework or housework or work they brought home. I don't know what that has to do with me since, as I said above, I am totally content to sit in a corner and read all night. Chances are I'd probably just want to fall asleep right away anyway, and I'm not disturbed by light or noise, so *I* think I'm not a disruption to anyone's routine or activities.
Also, keep in mind that I'm a very strong Introvert and I really really really like my "alone time", so I can identify with not *wanting* houseguests. I've also had partners who have stayed at my place so many nights in a row that I felt like they had unofficially moved in, and my house has never been large enough to accomodate a second permanent resident. So I'm not complaining that people would turn me down when I need a hand. I'm commenting on a mindset that allows one set of people to treat non-intimate friends with compassion and another set of people who give less of themselves to people on the innermost level of their monkeysphere than the first set of people give to near-strangers.
Unfortunately, so many of my "friends" share the other less-desirable qualities of stagehand that I listed above, plus a few more that I didn't list, like excessive smoking and drug use. That's the reason I keep myself so emotionally unavailable while offering so much hospitality to these people. It's too bad, because every once in a while, I think maybe *I* need to recategorize my friends.
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no subject
Date: 2/12/07 05:40 am (UTC)From:That's actually sort of interesting to think about.
One quality I really prize in a lover is the ability to be nearby without me feeling that I have to paying attention. For people who have this quality, I don't have a lot of limits about how much time I'm near them or how much time they spend in my space.
But yes, that's interesting to think about.
I wonder if a lot of poly people have a lot of prickly boundaries they put up for some reason. Hmmm....
no subject
Date: 2/15/07 07:37 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2/12/07 10:46 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2/12/07 11:18 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2/14/07 09:01 pm (UTC)From:The situation that sparked this wasn't actually anything serious. I just had a minor incident that reminded me of this other time, which reminded me of this other time, and on and on until I got overwhelmed by the number of times I've had "minor incidents" and had to blow off some steam.
no subject
Date: 2/15/07 11:44 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2/16/07 12:07 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2/16/07 01:23 am (UTC)From: