Pompous Monogamous Idiots!

[joreth]

I tried to wake up in time to see Jenny Block on Fox this morning.  I missed her actual portion, which, apparently, took up the first half of the show.  I turned it on just in time to go to commercial with a promise to speak with people for whom polyamory did not work after the break.

AARRRGGGHHHHHH!

The woman who wrote "Survivors Of An Open Marriage" was there to explain why it nearly "destroyed her marriage" because .... (drum roll) eventually her husband fell in love with someone else and refused to stop loving her when his wife asked him to!

I wanted to shake her and scream "You're doing it wrong!"

Yes, yes, I realize there is no One True Way, but dammit, there are Wrong Ways!  Trying to "control your emotions" (as the therapist said later) is futile.  You don't "control your emotions", you learn from them, you use them, you work with them, and you control your behaviour. 

Then, the therapist came on to declare that multiple partnerships are just "too complicated".  There is "always" competition and jealousy and that leads to resentment.  Always.

*bang bang bang bang* head on desk.

1) No, there isn't ALWAYS that stuff.  Those are the products of insecurity, and if you are secure in your relationship, whatever the style, competition, jealousy and resentment are low to nonexistent.  If you are insecure, whether you're poly or mono, you will have those. 

2) And, if you DO have those feelings, that doesn't automatically spell doom.  People who are committed to personal growth and to learning how to make their emotions work for them and to working THROUGH a negative emotion to finding the root cause to eliminate its occurance in the future with the same triggers, THOSE people are not doomed to failulre.

The segment concluded by the female host asking how the state of marriage in our society will survive with these attempts at open marriages.  The therapist, who had the last word on the subject, pointed out that the divorce rate is 50% and that's just with two people, so can you imagine how complicated that would be with three people?  It's just too complicated to work.  Jenny just sat there smiling and being polite, for which she gets kudos, but I really wish she had the opportunity to rebutt that comment.  The therapist was asked if it could ever work and she surriptitously looked at Jenny before very hesitantly saying "well, it can work for some people".

Goddamn fucking narrowminded media.  Hmm, polyamory didn't work this one time I tried it, therefore the whole industry is flawed.  But if monogamy doesn't work the first time we try it, just keep trying until you get it right.  Also, it doesn't seem to occur to anyone that the reason therapists see failed relationships is because PEOPLE IN FAILING RELATIONSHIPS SEEK THERAPY!  Yes, I know, there are lots of other reasons, I'm not picking on people who see therapists.  I'm pointing out that their sample population is skewed.

*grumble grumble grumble*

Please keep in mind that I'm angry, so I may be given to hyperbole or sweeping statements that I know perfectly well have exceptions and moderations and are not concrete absolutes.  For instance, I'm not picking on monogamists or people in therapy, nor do I really believe that all monogamous relationships fail, that all polyamorists are good at communication, work on their relationships, or can overcome anything if they just try hard enough.  People are people.  I shouldn't have to make these disclaimers, but I know someone will say "I control my emotions just fine!" or "I'm in therapy and it's not for my relationship".  Please, settle down and let me rant in my journal.

****EDIT**** I sent Mike and Juliet an email.  Here's what I said:

 I am quite appalled at the way Mike and Juliet handled the episode on open marriages.  The format ended on a negative note with no critical thinking applied to "therapist" and no chance for Jenny Block to rebutt her comments.  Did it not occur to anyone that the reason a "therapist" thinks open relationships don't work is because she ONLY sees those people who are having problems?  That people in successful relationships don't seek therapy?  And there are PLENTY of successful relationships out there.  I have been successfully polyamorous for over 10 years.  I have a friends who has been in the open relationships for 20 or 30 years or more.  On and on.

The reason you did not have any of these successful polyamorists on your show is because you requested a type of poly configuration that is very rare and accepted no alternative configurations.  Plus, your wording of the request was, frankly, offensive.  Most of us knew to stay away from your show simply based on the wording of your request and your show proved our fears true.

Next time, do a little research and learn to be a little lessed biased.  You could start with the website http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html and my own website http://www.theinnbetween.net/poly1.html

Your show is getting negative reviews all over the country as word spreads through the blogosphere in the polyamorous community, which, as Jenny said, is much more numerous than you'd think.

~Joreth
www.theinnbetween.net/poly1.html

Comments

[catrinaz.livejournal.com]

i was married for 11 years, was non-mongamous before that marriage and we were polyamorous for the last 9-1/2 years of the marriage. the marriage ended when his other partner decided after a few months that she couldn't handle polyamory. i suppose those sort of folks would say that polyamory failed or that my marriage failed because it was polyamorous.

i don't consider my former marriage a poly failure. i don't consider a relationship ending to be a failure. not all relationships are going to last 'til death do us part'! that doesn't make them failures.

i'm now engaged to be married again. we have dated for the last three years, and we have both had other partners throughout that time. when we decided to commit to marriage, our other relationships had ended for various reasons, and we agreed to be monogamous for an open-ended period of time. we will keep the possibility of polyamory open for discussion, but right now neither of us is interested in having other partners.

[joreth]

Yes, my new "catch phrase" is "that's not a poly problem, that's a relationship problem". In other words, it's not that the relationship style is inherently flawed, it's that the participants were not compatible. As we all know, either personally or by observation, monogamy doesn't prevent people from having multiple partners, just like polyamory does not guarantee someone won't go monogamous on us. It's simpy a matter of one person deciding that what he or she wants for his life is something different than what his partner wants.