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In addition to MySpace and OKC and LJ, not to mention my actual website, I also have a profile on a website designed to match up dancing partners. It's not a very good service, because you can only contact people if one of you is a paid member, and not many of us like to pay for such services. So I get the occasional email in my inbox that I can't read because neither of us is a paid member, and I find the occasional profile I am interested in who I can't contact because neither of us are paid members.
I did get one email I could read and respond to, though, and I thought it was interesting enough to warrant an LJ post. It's a guy asking for advice on how to deal with his wife that believes that DANCING is CHEATING.
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Please forgive me but I am not looking for a dance partner in the email. Any time you could spare would be deeply appreciated. I am seeking your advice on an issue that is current vexing me. I contacted you because you are in a similar situation. You are married or have a live in partner, you love to dance and it seems that your SO (Significant Other) does not dance for some reason.
So here's the issue... I love to dance, ballroom, that is, no slow dancing, just the standard ten dance, dances. Most everyone at the studio I frequent knows I'm married. I dance, mostly with married women, my age, 50 or so, that have SO's that don't dance.. To me, dancing is the best anti-depressant. Like Fred says, "I'm in heaven." Dancing is something I look forward to, it is the highlight of the week and while I'm dancing everything in the world is perfectly OK and I am simply ecstatic. I feel that if you stop dancing you are dying. My wife says dancing cheating on her and disrespectful to our marriage. She believes that dancing is a prelude to sex and one thing leads to another.
I've begged her to dance with me. I've asked her to come to the studio and just watch if she likes. I am an advanced dancer and a pretty good teacher. Dancing with my novice wife would be one of the best things that could happen in our relationship. However, she refuses saying, she's "awkward"; (not really) "Not interested"; etc, etc. Yet she loves watching Dancing with the Stars. I've been very gentle about asking her to dance with me. I've asked her what I could do to get us started. I never pressure her but I do mention it from time to time..
I go out dancing about once a month and every time there is a scene and I pay for it for days afterward. I am understanding and compassionate. I sense her insecurity but I feel that dancing is so important to me that I can not indulge her fears. I am an attractive guy and could pick up a woman anywhere, at the supermarket, bookstore, whatever; I simply love to dance, something she knew long before we got married. I can't believe, after all these years, that she still does want to try it, at least, once. I've offered her private lessons, learning at home, in private, just the two of us,
So, am I cheating on her!!!? Am I a terrible husband going out a couple of times a month on my own and hold other women in my arms? Should I give up this life long passion and the one thing that will turn my day around? Do you have a similar problem with your SO? Are they jealous or are they happy for you that you have this passion for dancing?
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My Response:
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I do not have a husband or live-in partner. I am, however, polyamorous. To answer your question, "cheating" is a betrayal or broken agreement. If you ever made a promise not to dance, that would be "cheating". If you never made that agreement either explicitly or IMPLICITLY, that is not cheating, by definition.
The problem is, however, that whether or not you are "cheating" is irrelevant. Your wife has some deep-seated insecurities and debating the semantics of the word will not help.
The first thing you have to do is decide how important dancing is to you. If you are forced into a choice, are you willing to give up your wife or your dancing. Personally, if it were my choice to make, I would be more willing to give up the wife, but it would NOT be because I love dancing more. The reason would be because someone who would make me choose between two things I love dearly, that give meaning to my life, someone like that has 1) very deep issues that I do not believe I can fix and 2) a fundamentally different worldview from me and I doubt the ability to ever see eye-to-eye.
Once you have decided what your answer will be if you are backed into that corner, then you can choose your strategy for trying to have both. If you are willing to give up dancing, then there is not much you can do other than continue to reassure your wife while honoring your now-explicit agreement to give up dancing while she is uncomfortable. If you do make that decision, though, be very very clear what the limits are and get it on paper. Are you giving it up temporarily? If so, how long? What constitutes "dancing"? Is it acceptable to dance with the boss' wife at the company xmas party or your sister at your cousin's wedding or is all dancing outlawed? Spell it out and be clear what you are giving up. Then honor that.
If you are willing to give up your wife, you can arrange your discussion to include that dancing *will* be a part of your life and that you *hope* your wife will also be a part of your life, but she has to accept that dancing comes with you as a package deal. You can indicate that you are willing to do whatever it takes to reassure her EXCEPT giving up the dancing. You can then work with her to reach compromises that will reassure her. If she is not willing to dance with you, watch you dance, or come anywhere near a dancing establishment, encourage her to spend quality time with her friends or family doing something she enjoys during the same time you are out dancing (always making sure she understands that she can join you at any time and you are not keeping her out). Then engage her in conversation afterwards about what she did in a manner that indicates you are interested in her enjoyment of the occasion, not that you are "checking up" on her while she's out on the town without you.
I am polyamorous. That means that I believe in the ETHICAL and RESPONSIBLE practice of non-monogamy. I choose to only have relationships with people who do not view me as their property, they do not believe I *owe* them my time (but rather believe my time is my gift to them, given free of obligation because I want to), and they do not believe that the other people and hobbies in my life are competition.
Something that comes along with being polyamorous is a sense of security in myself and a view of my partnerships that includes respect and individuality. Your wife sounds incredibly insecure and she is making some assumptions about your relationship. She assumes that she has the right to dictate your behaviour. She assumes that certain actions that you do with other people (dancing, sex, going to the movies, whatever) affect her relationship with you and she assumes that her specialness comes from outside. When you believe that you are special because of something you do, that specialness can be taken away by someone else who can also do that same thing. When you understand that you are special because of who you are, it doesn't matter who else can do that with you. She also assumes that all dancing is sexual.
I might recommend you show her some YouTube videos of Benji Schwimmer & Heidi Groskreutz dancing. They are cousins and mormons, a rather conservative christian religion. While it's true that dancing involves physical contact with another person, the idea that the contact is sexual is not a universal idea. The mormon religion has a precedence of encouraging their youth to develop dancing skills, even those skills used in swing, salsa, rhumba, and others that are very contact-oriented. Benji and Heidi's entire family is involved in dancing because they understand that dancing is *not* a sexual act if the participants do not intend for it to be a sexual act. Certainly it can be, that's what popular night clubs are there for ... to hook up with people. But dancing, as you know, means a lot of different things. Dancing is the oldest form of worship, for example, an expression of communicating with the gods (or God, depending upon the religion). It is only sexual under certain circumstances. Clearly, in Benji and Heidi's case, it is most certainly not sexual, superficial resemblances to the contrary. If you are a religious man, maybe you can explain your passion for dancing in those kinds of terms ... it feels as though you are being exactly what God intended, reveling in His creation of being Human, and you think it would be the epitome of your comittment and honor to your wife if she could attempt to share that with you. If you're not religious, this is probably not the best approach.
Many a romance began after a candelight dinner. Women have been told for years that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Is she concerned every time you eat in a restaurant, you will fall in love with the chef? Or the waitress who brought the food? There are hundreds of books dedicated to winning a romantic partner with cooking the "right" meal. Right now she is placing the entire specialness of her relationship with you (and on herself personally) on this act of dancing ... an act that you are willing to share with her. The act itself isn't important, it's that she decided somewhere that this act would represent all her insecurities and her personal identity as the special person in your life. I suspect that if you do cut dancing out of your life, this would not address the underlying insecurity and she will react this same way when she sees you talking with another woman, having lunch with female co-workers, chatting with the sales girl, etc. Placing limits on your dancing does not address the actual insecurity and it *will* resurface and manifest in some other manner even if you do give in and give up dancing.
Many of the skills we learn by being polyamorous are the kinds of skills that all relationships can benefit from. Because it's not about who is having sex with whom, it's about being a secure person and being in relationships that are emotionally fulfilling.
I suggest you read some of the websites that I will include at the bottom of this email. They are intended to be for relationships that include open sexual relationships, but the concepts are not limited to sexual openness. Read the websites NOT with the idea of having sex with other women, but with the idea of strengthening your own marriage so that dancing can be included in your life. You may contact me by regular email if you wish to continue correspondence.
And just in case your wife learns of our correspondence and feels threatened or afraid that this is a sign that you are thinking of cheating, I recommend that, after you read the information, you do NOT try to hide this and do convince her that neither you nor I are corresponding for the purpose of a relationship or even a dance partnership. I am NOT trying to convert you to polyamory. I am suggesting only that you take some of the relationship skills into your own marriage to strengthen it and make it more enjoyable for you both, since I'm sure this is equally as stressful for her as it is for you. Anytime the website refers to "your other partner" or "your husband's other girlfriend" or anything similiar, or even "polyamory", substitute "other partner" for "dancing hobby". For example in the line from the first essay, "One way to break your lover's heart is to force your lover to withdraw from a person he or she loves" - re-write in your head it to say "One way for my wife to break my heart is to force me to withdraw from a hobby I love".
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolymistakes.html - Common Poly Mistakes
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolypiano.html - How To Be A Secure Person
http://tacit.livejournal.com/148633.html - Some Thoughts On Being Special
http://tacit.livejournal.com/171501.html - Some Thoughts On Specialness
Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Joreth
