joreth: (sex)
www.quora.com/I-m-having-casual-sex-with-my-ex-We-only-talk-to-meet-There-s-still-feelings-from-both-sides-and-I-sometimes-want-to-text-just-to-chat-but-I-don-t-do-it-We-are-not-compatible-to-be-togheter-but-I-can-t-doing-this-Is/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper

Q.  I’m having “casual sex” with my ex.We only talk to meet. There’s still feelings from both sides and I sometimes want to text just to chat, but I don’t do it. We are not compatible to be togheter but I can’t doing this. Is this normal? What to do?

A.
  I’m not too worried about what’s “normal”.  I prefer to pay more attention to what makes me happy.  I find that not being concerned with what’s “normal” actually contributes to my happiness in general.  One of the things that makes me happy is finding the right relationship structure for the people involved.  There are plenty of people who are more compatible with me as casual sex partners but who don’t make very good long term romantic partners.  And vice versa.

Sometimes it takes us a couple of different tries at finding out which structure fits us best.  And sometimes certain structures work best for us *at that point in time* but not at others.

If you are not happy with a casual sex relationship with your ex, then this relationship isn’t working for you and that’s OK.  You don’t have to have casual sex, and you don’t have to have it with any particular person.  But there’s nothing “abnormal” or wrong with people who tried a romantic relationship, discovered that they weren’t compatible in that way, and who then try a casual sex relationship with each other afterwards.

A not very popular opinion that I hold is that everyone needs to take some “cool off” time after the end of a relationship before they try to transition to something else.  After ending a romantic relationship with your ex, you ought to go no-contact with them for a period of time.  This gives your brain a chance to “reset” itself regarding your feelings for them and to break old habits.

If, after having the chance to mourn the end of your relationship and start out fresh, you meet up again and discover that you have some sexual chemistry where a casual sex relationship would be appropriate for both of you, then great! Have fun!

But, chances are, if you’re not happy in this casual sex relationship, then you probably jumped into it too soon after the breakup when your brain hasn’t had a chance to grieve and move on.  So now you’re confused and experience mixed emotions and holding onto something that is over because the old habits are conflicting with the new structure.

I’d recommend not talking to your ex for a set time limit.  Don’t ghost them - that’s cruel.  But say that you need time to process your breakup so that your old romantic feelings can stop interfering with your new post-breakup relationship, and that you’ll call them in a few months.  Then take some time and really go through that breakup.  Then you can call them up again with a clear head if you’re still interested in some other kind of relationship with them.
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