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Q. I’m interested in your comment that a person should introspect and possibly speak to a therapist about why polyamory isn’t right for them. I’ve tended to think of mono/poly as an orientation like straight or gay - do you see it differently?
A. Polyamory is both an orientation and a description. It can be the type of *person* someone is, and it can also simply describe the *structure* of the relationship that a person is in. You do not, necessarily, need to be in a relationship that matches, exactly, your orientation. I’m not a swinger, for example, but I am in a relationship with someone who is, and our relationship structure more closely resembles a swinger relationship than a poly one.
There are some people, like me, who cannot be anything other than poly, and some who cannot be anything other than mono - meaning that it doesn’t matter how awesome the people around them are, that person simply does not develop romantic feelings for more than one person at a time. The switch for desiring other people just shuts off.
Most people are somewhere in the middle. They might have a preference, but could, under the right circumstances, be happy in a healthy relationship of either type. But the catch there is “under the right circumstances”. Because of the way that monogamy is perpetuated and revered in this country, most people are monogamous not because they’re “hardwired” that way, but because they have some serious insecurities and biases and assumptions about love and relationships and about themselves. These traits may go so deep that the effort to undo all that programming may simply be too much effort to bother trying to deprogram them, so *effectively* there is no real difference between this person being “naturally” monogamous and being trained to be monogamous.
But sometimes these traits can be unlearned. IF the person wants to unlearn them. It takes effort, and most people just don’t want to put in the effort. You can see it when people say “I couldn’t do that, I’m just a jealous person”. Jealousy is just an emotion, and dealing with jealousy is a skill that anyone can learn. Nobody says “I could never be in a non-monogamous relationship, I’m just an angry person”, even though someone with anger management issues most definitely would have trouble maintaining healthy relationships of any sort.
But jealousy holds an almost magical place in our culture of being an immovable, inevitable, overwhelming force that revolves around insecurity. Insecurities fight for their existence. They will convince you that you can’t live without them, that your very identity depends on having them.
It goes something like this: I don’t like pickles. I don’t want to learn to like pickles. Because then I will want to eat pickles. And I hate pickles. So that would suck.
So the reasons *why* someone does not want to be in a polyamory relationship matters. If the reason is “I simply don’t fall in love with anyone new once I’m in love with someone”, then they’re naturally monogamous. But that sort of monogamous person can actually be in a healthy poly relationship and be happy in it. We even have a term for that - mono/poly relationships. Just because their relationship is open, it doesn’t mean that anyone is *required* to have other partners.
If the only reason why they’re mono is because they don’t fall in love with more than one person, but they have no issues or insecurities or jealousy or anything about their partner, then a mono person of this sort can be happy in an open relationship where they don’t have any other partners, but their partner does.
But if you ask people why they don’t want to be in a poly relationship, you will get a range of answers, some of which include things like “I’m just a jealous person” and “I believe a woman owes her body to her husband” and “I just think you should care about what your partner does with other people” and things that reveal some deeper issues with bodily autonomy, agency, possession, misconceptions about what love is and about the role that sex plays in love, and a variety of other things.
These kinds of issues make for unhealthy monogamous relationships too, btw. So even if the person goes through therapy and ultimately still decides that they would rather have a monogamous relationship, working out these kinds of issues is still an important process.
A. Polyamory is both an orientation and a description. It can be the type of *person* someone is, and it can also simply describe the *structure* of the relationship that a person is in. You do not, necessarily, need to be in a relationship that matches, exactly, your orientation. I’m not a swinger, for example, but I am in a relationship with someone who is, and our relationship structure more closely resembles a swinger relationship than a poly one.
There are some people, like me, who cannot be anything other than poly, and some who cannot be anything other than mono - meaning that it doesn’t matter how awesome the people around them are, that person simply does not develop romantic feelings for more than one person at a time. The switch for desiring other people just shuts off.
Most people are somewhere in the middle. They might have a preference, but could, under the right circumstances, be happy in a healthy relationship of either type. But the catch there is “under the right circumstances”. Because of the way that monogamy is perpetuated and revered in this country, most people are monogamous not because they’re “hardwired” that way, but because they have some serious insecurities and biases and assumptions about love and relationships and about themselves. These traits may go so deep that the effort to undo all that programming may simply be too much effort to bother trying to deprogram them, so *effectively* there is no real difference between this person being “naturally” monogamous and being trained to be monogamous.
But sometimes these traits can be unlearned. IF the person wants to unlearn them. It takes effort, and most people just don’t want to put in the effort. You can see it when people say “I couldn’t do that, I’m just a jealous person”. Jealousy is just an emotion, and dealing with jealousy is a skill that anyone can learn. Nobody says “I could never be in a non-monogamous relationship, I’m just an angry person”, even though someone with anger management issues most definitely would have trouble maintaining healthy relationships of any sort.
But jealousy holds an almost magical place in our culture of being an immovable, inevitable, overwhelming force that revolves around insecurity. Insecurities fight for their existence. They will convince you that you can’t live without them, that your very identity depends on having them.
It goes something like this: I don’t like pickles. I don’t want to learn to like pickles. Because then I will want to eat pickles. And I hate pickles. So that would suck.
So the reasons *why* someone does not want to be in a polyamory relationship matters. If the reason is “I simply don’t fall in love with anyone new once I’m in love with someone”, then they’re naturally monogamous. But that sort of monogamous person can actually be in a healthy poly relationship and be happy in it. We even have a term for that - mono/poly relationships. Just because their relationship is open, it doesn’t mean that anyone is *required* to have other partners.
If the only reason why they’re mono is because they don’t fall in love with more than one person, but they have no issues or insecurities or jealousy or anything about their partner, then a mono person of this sort can be happy in an open relationship where they don’t have any other partners, but their partner does.
But if you ask people why they don’t want to be in a poly relationship, you will get a range of answers, some of which include things like “I’m just a jealous person” and “I believe a woman owes her body to her husband” and “I just think you should care about what your partner does with other people” and things that reveal some deeper issues with bodily autonomy, agency, possession, misconceptions about what love is and about the role that sex plays in love, and a variety of other things.
These kinds of issues make for unhealthy monogamous relationships too, btw. So even if the person goes through therapy and ultimately still decides that they would rather have a monogamous relationship, working out these kinds of issues is still an important process.
