![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
www.quora.com/How-old-were-you-when-you-had-your-first-BDSM-experience-and-how-old-was-your-partner/answer/Joreth-Innkeeper
Q. How old were you when you had your first BDSM experience and how old was your partner?
A. I’m not entirely sure, how do you define BDSM? What “counts” as kink? For a good portion of my early sexually active years, I had no idea what kink really was and I had never heard the term “BDSM”. It wasn’t until I started dating Franklin 14 years ago that I started deliberately exploring the term and what it meant to me. In fact, that’s one of the reasons *why* we started dating in the first place - he was quite experienced and knowledgeable in the subject and I wanted to explore it more safely than I had been up until that point. I asked him to guide me and explore with me, and that blossomed into the relationship we have today.
I have always been kinky. My earliest sexual fantasies date from at least age 6 (I fantasized about a particular boy in my first grade class who moved that summer and did not return for second grade, so I had to be at least that young). Only, at age 6, the mechanics of sex was not yet known to me, but I did fantasize about some pretty serious kink, without knowing what *that* was either.
I have always been interested in bondage, rape play, forced exhibitionism, and objectification. As I learned more about what “sex” was, the various sexual activities I became aware of gradually made their way into my kink fantasies. So I’m not sure when, exactly, I started experimenting with bondage and “wrestling”, because I probably incorporated light versions of it in all my sexual relationships, adding more and more recognizably kinky elements as I got older and learned about their existence.
I do have one clear memory, though. I was, oh, maybe 16? I had developed a friendship with a guy that included phone sex but no actual sex. I got off on tormenting him without giving in to him. I think he was my age, maybe a year younger. He introduced me to his cousin, who I think was in his early 20s.
One night, I let them “convince” me to sneak out of the house and meet up with them at the guy’s house. I spent half the night teasing them, to get them aroused enough to be open to my idea. I told them that I liked it rough and I would only have sex with them if they “forced” me to, and that I promised not to report them for it afterwards.
So I had both of them wrestle me and try to take me down together. Neither of them actually succeeded. Sometime around sunrise, they finally decided that they just couldn’t beat me and were too tired to keep trying, so I went home. I don’t think I ever saw either of them again, and I’m not sure if I talked to them again either.
This is why evidence-based sex ed that allows for discussions of pleasure, kink, and orientation and focuses on consent, is so important. If I had access to information about consent culture and kink, I could have explored my desires in much less risky situations, without compromising myself or putting young men into such delicate situations that may have contributed to rape culture and in teaching them the wrong lessons about sex and consent.
If I could go back in time and tell my younger self about BDSM, my younger self could have had more responsible discussions with these young men about consent and fetishes and how to negotiate sexual activity without compromising integrity.
In addition to my more violent fetishes, I also have a fetish for “unusual places”, blasphemy, and the taboo. So much of my early sexual activity took place in places not meant for sex, like my first date with my high school sweetheart where we snuck into his dojo where he worked and made out right there on the mat in the main room, in full view of the big windows, had anyone been walking around at 3 in the morning to see. Or all the parking lots and clothing store dressing rooms. Or the freight elevator in Ghiradelli Square, or the back of moving pickup trucks (several times). Or literally the middle of a NYE party. Or behind the alter during choir practice. Or…
I am also a masochist and I like being marked. It turns out that I have a weird sense of body dysmorphia where I don't feel "complete" unless I have a bruise or visible injury of some kind. So I really like having hickies and wrestling bruises. I remember being in high school, probably around age 16 again, and having both sides of my neck just *black* from my ears to my shoulders from bite marks and my mother finding them underneath my hair and getting so mad that she threatened to call the cops on my boyfriend (who I think was 18 at the time).
Although, to be honest, I'm not sure if that's one memory or two getting blended together, because I seem to remember getting in trouble for something similar with another boy who I was "talking to" but who wasn't officially my "boyfriend", who was closer to my own age. That would have been right before the other occasion, so still probably 16.
Come to think of it, I did an awful lot of exploration between when I was 15 and lost my virginity and when I had my two most significant high school relationships - my first fiance & then my high school sweetheart) - the first of whom I met when I was almost 17 and the other I started dating 3 weeks before my 18th birthday.
So, it depends on how we’re defining our terms here. Depending on the specific definition, my age was probably pretty young, and my partner’s age depended on which partner it was - some of them were as young as I was, but some of them weren’t.
Q. How old were you when you had your first BDSM experience and how old was your partner?
A. I’m not entirely sure, how do you define BDSM? What “counts” as kink? For a good portion of my early sexually active years, I had no idea what kink really was and I had never heard the term “BDSM”. It wasn’t until I started dating Franklin 14 years ago that I started deliberately exploring the term and what it meant to me. In fact, that’s one of the reasons *why* we started dating in the first place - he was quite experienced and knowledgeable in the subject and I wanted to explore it more safely than I had been up until that point. I asked him to guide me and explore with me, and that blossomed into the relationship we have today.
I have always been kinky. My earliest sexual fantasies date from at least age 6 (I fantasized about a particular boy in my first grade class who moved that summer and did not return for second grade, so I had to be at least that young). Only, at age 6, the mechanics of sex was not yet known to me, but I did fantasize about some pretty serious kink, without knowing what *that* was either.
I have always been interested in bondage, rape play, forced exhibitionism, and objectification. As I learned more about what “sex” was, the various sexual activities I became aware of gradually made their way into my kink fantasies. So I’m not sure when, exactly, I started experimenting with bondage and “wrestling”, because I probably incorporated light versions of it in all my sexual relationships, adding more and more recognizably kinky elements as I got older and learned about their existence.
I do have one clear memory, though. I was, oh, maybe 16? I had developed a friendship with a guy that included phone sex but no actual sex. I got off on tormenting him without giving in to him. I think he was my age, maybe a year younger. He introduced me to his cousin, who I think was in his early 20s.
One night, I let them “convince” me to sneak out of the house and meet up with them at the guy’s house. I spent half the night teasing them, to get them aroused enough to be open to my idea. I told them that I liked it rough and I would only have sex with them if they “forced” me to, and that I promised not to report them for it afterwards.
So I had both of them wrestle me and try to take me down together. Neither of them actually succeeded. Sometime around sunrise, they finally decided that they just couldn’t beat me and were too tired to keep trying, so I went home. I don’t think I ever saw either of them again, and I’m not sure if I talked to them again either.
This is why evidence-based sex ed that allows for discussions of pleasure, kink, and orientation and focuses on consent, is so important. If I had access to information about consent culture and kink, I could have explored my desires in much less risky situations, without compromising myself or putting young men into such delicate situations that may have contributed to rape culture and in teaching them the wrong lessons about sex and consent.
If I could go back in time and tell my younger self about BDSM, my younger self could have had more responsible discussions with these young men about consent and fetishes and how to negotiate sexual activity without compromising integrity.
In addition to my more violent fetishes, I also have a fetish for “unusual places”, blasphemy, and the taboo. So much of my early sexual activity took place in places not meant for sex, like my first date with my high school sweetheart where we snuck into his dojo where he worked and made out right there on the mat in the main room, in full view of the big windows, had anyone been walking around at 3 in the morning to see. Or all the parking lots and clothing store dressing rooms. Or the freight elevator in Ghiradelli Square, or the back of moving pickup trucks (several times). Or literally the middle of a NYE party. Or behind the alter during choir practice. Or…
I am also a masochist and I like being marked. It turns out that I have a weird sense of body dysmorphia where I don't feel "complete" unless I have a bruise or visible injury of some kind. So I really like having hickies and wrestling bruises. I remember being in high school, probably around age 16 again, and having both sides of my neck just *black* from my ears to my shoulders from bite marks and my mother finding them underneath my hair and getting so mad that she threatened to call the cops on my boyfriend (who I think was 18 at the time).
Although, to be honest, I'm not sure if that's one memory or two getting blended together, because I seem to remember getting in trouble for something similar with another boy who I was "talking to" but who wasn't officially my "boyfriend", who was closer to my own age. That would have been right before the other occasion, so still probably 16.
Come to think of it, I did an awful lot of exploration between when I was 15 and lost my virginity and when I had my two most significant high school relationships - my first fiance & then my high school sweetheart) - the first of whom I met when I was almost 17 and the other I started dating 3 weeks before my 18th birthday.
So, it depends on how we’re defining our terms here. Depending on the specific definition, my age was probably pretty young, and my partner’s age depended on which partner it was - some of them were as young as I was, but some of them weren’t.
