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Originally written January 10, 2019. Archiving here for a record of my depression.
Dancing produces endorphins that, if they don't make the depression go away, at least keep it in a stalemate.
Dancing is also a social activity where I could possibly meet more people, since part of my depression is not having any connections to other people in real life.
But I can't go dancing because I am way past my time for moving out, so I can't justify leaving the house for social events until I move out.
But I can't finish packing because my depression is giving me executive dysfunction.
Not being moved out yet is contributing to my anxiety, which is what made my depression close enough to trigger.
Going dancing and not making those connections because connections take time and I've forgotten how to relate to "regular people" so suddenly I'm socially awkward again like middle school, which is, probably not coincidentally, another time I had major depression, so going dancing and not making the connections I'm looking for make me feel worse when I come home, alone.
Making connections only reminds me that I'm trying to leave the state and I'll have to leave these connections someday soon, which makes me resist making new connections.
Thinking of leaving the state and how my ability to do so is pretty much out of my control, so I might be stuck here for a long time, and that's a long time to not have any real connections so I'm just alone for a long time, which makes the depression worse.
So I should go dancing to try and make some connections.
But I can't go dancing because I have to pack.
OTG I have to pack, there's so much to do, I just can't get started.
But I'm losing my place to live and things are only going to get worse if I don't get out ahead of this problem.
I wish I had someone to go through this with me.
Maybe if I go out dancing, I'll meet some people.
But I'm not good at making connections, as evidenced by the last several social settings where I actively tried.
So I'm just doomed to be alone.
And besides, if I *do* make some connections, I'll just have to leave them behind.
Fuck I'm fucking stuck here and I can't get out.
I should go out and meet people to make it more bearable.
But I can't take the time because I have to pack...
#depression
Dancing produces endorphins that, if they don't make the depression go away, at least keep it in a stalemate.
Dancing is also a social activity where I could possibly meet more people, since part of my depression is not having any connections to other people in real life.
But I can't go dancing because I am way past my time for moving out, so I can't justify leaving the house for social events until I move out.
But I can't finish packing because my depression is giving me executive dysfunction.
Not being moved out yet is contributing to my anxiety, which is what made my depression close enough to trigger.
Going dancing and not making those connections because connections take time and I've forgotten how to relate to "regular people" so suddenly I'm socially awkward again like middle school, which is, probably not coincidentally, another time I had major depression, so going dancing and not making the connections I'm looking for make me feel worse when I come home, alone.
Making connections only reminds me that I'm trying to leave the state and I'll have to leave these connections someday soon, which makes me resist making new connections.
Thinking of leaving the state and how my ability to do so is pretty much out of my control, so I might be stuck here for a long time, and that's a long time to not have any real connections so I'm just alone for a long time, which makes the depression worse.
So I should go dancing to try and make some connections.
But I can't go dancing because I have to pack.
OTG I have to pack, there's so much to do, I just can't get started.
But I'm losing my place to live and things are only going to get worse if I don't get out ahead of this problem.
I wish I had someone to go through this with me.
Maybe if I go out dancing, I'll meet some people.
But I'm not good at making connections, as evidenced by the last several social settings where I actively tried.
So I'm just doomed to be alone.
And besides, if I *do* make some connections, I'll just have to leave them behind.
Fuck I'm fucking stuck here and I can't get out.
I should go out and meet people to make it more bearable.
But I can't take the time because I have to pack...
#depression
