And so on. Our conversation was basically a series of small pokes to see if we were compatible on some of these issues, and as we discovered reciprocity at each step, one or the other of us would take another step. Eventually, we had taken enough steps that it was obvious we were interested in each other. I think I was the first one to say something like "I'm totally crushing on you right now, BTW", but he had been flirting with me for some time by then.
He was not intimidated by my online profiles. He finds my aggression and competence attractive. tacit is similar - he isn't intimidated by me even though he likes to joke about being "scary" whenever I do something fierce, like when he sees how well I can shoot a firearm. He's not terribly into guns, but he also finds competence and independence attractive.
I have another partner who, about a decade ago, was interested in me but did find me intimidating at the time. We tried dating, very briefly, and then he freaked out and disappeared. It took many years to get over that and rebuild a friendship. Now that he's more adult and we also took more time just being friends without the romantic attraction leading things, he no longer finds me intimidating. He can see me more clearly now, even though I *do* challenge him and make him uncomfortable every so often. He has reached a point in his maturity and in his life where he embraces the challenges I throw at him and he leans into the discomfort better than he did as a much younger man.
So, the way I look at it, if they are so intimidated that it takes them years before they can confess their interest in me, then all those years of being "intimidated" is time where he is not yet ready for me and the relationship would not be as healthy as it would be once he got over being intimidated. Having a (very) few relationships that I actively regret and would undo if I could, I'm not very likely to see these kinds of situations as "missed opportunities", but more like "dodged bullets" these days. Really internalizing that lesson makes it much easier for me to deal with those times when I'm not feeling very loved or attractive due to lack of partners.
And I'm not really sure how I finally got over my programming that says not to initiate, but I don't really see initiating as being a big thing either, so when I *am* ready to start a relationship with someone, I just do. I think what makes it easier for me was letting go of any attachments to preferred outcomes of my initiating. So, I mean that I've learned to enjoy my crushes on people just as they are, with no expectation of reciprocation. Then, if I feel it's worth mentioning (sometimes I don't, for whatever reason - sometimes I'm attracted to people who I know would make poor partners for me so I stick to fantasizing about them privately), I mention it without really caring about their reaction, except of course to try and not make them feel uncomfortable just for my admission of interest - me being interested in someone is not something people ought to feel uncomfortable about. So, if they say yes, that's cool, but if they say no or they try to politely reject me without having to actually say "no", that's cool too. The point of me saying something isn't to get them to reciprocate, it's just to let them know the opportunity exists if they want it.
That sort of thing makes all this a lot easier on me too - initiating interest, dealing when people don't seem to like me or are intimidated by me, potential missed opportunities, etc. I just feel my feelings and nothing necessarily has to be done about them.
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Date: 4/10/16 03:44 am (UTC)From:And so on. Our conversation was basically a series of small pokes to see if we were compatible on some of these issues, and as we discovered reciprocity at each step, one or the other of us would take another step. Eventually, we had taken enough steps that it was obvious we were interested in each other. I think I was the first one to say something like "I'm totally crushing on you right now, BTW", but he had been flirting with me for some time by then.
He was not intimidated by my online profiles. He finds my aggression and competence attractive.
I have another partner who, about a decade ago, was interested in me but did find me intimidating at the time. We tried dating, very briefly, and then he freaked out and disappeared. It took many years to get over that and rebuild a friendship. Now that he's more adult and we also took more time just being friends without the romantic attraction leading things, he no longer finds me intimidating. He can see me more clearly now, even though I *do* challenge him and make him uncomfortable every so often. He has reached a point in his maturity and in his life where he embraces the challenges I throw at him and he leans into the discomfort better than he did as a much younger man.
So, the way I look at it, if they are so intimidated that it takes them years before they can confess their interest in me, then all those years of being "intimidated" is time where he is not yet ready for me and the relationship would not be as healthy as it would be once he got over being intimidated. Having a (very) few relationships that I actively regret and would undo if I could, I'm not very likely to see these kinds of situations as "missed opportunities", but more like "dodged bullets" these days. Really internalizing that lesson makes it much easier for me to deal with those times when I'm not feeling very loved or attractive due to lack of partners.
And I'm not really sure how I finally got over my programming that says not to initiate, but I don't really see initiating as being a big thing either, so when I *am* ready to start a relationship with someone, I just do. I think what makes it easier for me was letting go of any attachments to preferred outcomes of my initiating. So, I mean that I've learned to enjoy my crushes on people just as they are, with no expectation of reciprocation. Then, if I feel it's worth mentioning (sometimes I don't, for whatever reason - sometimes I'm attracted to people who I know would make poor partners for me so I stick to fantasizing about them privately), I mention it without really caring about their reaction, except of course to try and not make them feel uncomfortable just for my admission of interest - me being interested in someone is not something people ought to feel uncomfortable about. So, if they say yes, that's cool, but if they say no or they try to politely reject me without having to actually say "no", that's cool too. The point of me saying something isn't to get them to reciprocate, it's just to let them know the opportunity exists if they want it.
That sort of thing makes all this a lot easier on me too - initiating interest, dealing when people don't seem to like me or are intimidated by me, potential missed opportunities, etc. I just feel my feelings and nothing necessarily has to be done about them.
I must be tired, I think I'm rambling now.