I've also been told that people were interested but intimidated and didn't find out until years later. So far, every time where that has been the case (admittedly, only a small number) and I eventually found out and gave them a try was a disaster. It turns out, at least in my situation, that if they're too intimidated by the profiles, then they don't really have the skills necessary to accept me even if they are also interested.
I used to have to do most of the initiating but over the years, my most successful relationships have been pretty mutual. One or the other of us has to make the "first" move perhaps, but there's some sense that the other is interested before that move is made. Those people don't find my profiles "intimidating", they understand why I come across so aggressive and antagonistic in those mediums and know how to make allowances for the fact that these mediums are only a small slice of who I am. Even if there is some aspect of me that they don't think is one of my better qualities (like my anger), they don't find it *intimidating*. Not in the sense that people feel small or inadequate in comparison to me, anyway. They might not wish to rouse my anger, for example, but only because conflict is uncomfortable and not because they think I'm "scary" or "intimidating" or "larger than life" or they feel frightened by me, just a normal desire to avoid conflict in general.
But, there have been times in my life when I didn't have very many prospects (at least none that made their interest in me known) and I just had to experience that time either single or with a very small pool of intimates and friends, many of whom are long distance. I spent some time deliberately solitary, and when *I* was ready, I started reaching out to people again and initiating more. The more "me" I am, and the more effort I make to be social (whether online or IRL), the more likely I am to find other people who appreciate me and who are not likely to feel this kind of discomfort from me because they're not doing things that I need to challenge them on. When I meet people like that who don't need for me to make them uncomfortable because they're not doing anything to cause cognitive dissonance, they tend to like me and that mutual interest leads to no real clear initiator.
So, for instance, I met my newest partner at a sci-fi convention where he was speaking about atheism. Being a rather outspoken atheist, this was something I knew I wouldn't have to challenge him about. I liked what he had to say and mentioned it in passing to someone else who also heard his lecture.
That person mentioned that the speaker had recently come out as poly on his blog, so I looked him up. In the blog, I found poly, atheism, feminism, and a general awareness of all the social justice issues that are important to me. There didn't seem to be much reason to need to make him uncomfortable very often, so I introduced myself and thanked him for being openly poly, on behalf of the community.
He recently told me that he had already noticed me at that point and heard some things about me that peaked his own interest and had been trying to think of a way to meet me without hitting on me (being considerate of how women are treated at conventions and all). So - mutual interest. Technically, I made the first move in introducing myself, but I did so in a platonic way and he would have come up with a way to do it if I hadn't. So, he took the next step and invited me to talk later (again, platonically) outside of the con setting. I had been trying to figure a way to steer our conversation in that direction myself, so if he hadn't asked me for drinks after the con, I would have.
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Date: 4/10/16 03:43 am (UTC)From:I've also been told that people were interested but intimidated and didn't find out until years later. So far, every time where that has been the case (admittedly, only a small number) and I eventually found out and gave them a try was a disaster. It turns out, at least in my situation, that if they're too intimidated by the profiles, then they don't really have the skills necessary to accept me even if they are also interested.
I used to have to do most of the initiating but over the years, my most successful relationships have been pretty mutual. One or the other of us has to make the "first" move perhaps, but there's some sense that the other is interested before that move is made. Those people don't find my profiles "intimidating", they understand why I come across so aggressive and antagonistic in those mediums and know how to make allowances for the fact that these mediums are only a small slice of who I am. Even if there is some aspect of me that they don't think is one of my better qualities (like my anger), they don't find it *intimidating*. Not in the sense that people feel small or inadequate in comparison to me, anyway. They might not wish to rouse my anger, for example, but only because conflict is uncomfortable and not because they think I'm "scary" or "intimidating" or "larger than life" or they feel frightened by me, just a normal desire to avoid conflict in general.
But, there have been times in my life when I didn't have very many prospects (at least none that made their interest in me known) and I just had to experience that time either single or with a very small pool of intimates and friends, many of whom are long distance. I spent some time deliberately solitary, and when *I* was ready, I started reaching out to people again and initiating more. The more "me" I am, and the more effort I make to be social (whether online or IRL), the more likely I am to find other people who appreciate me and who are not likely to feel this kind of discomfort from me because they're not doing things that I need to challenge them on. When I meet people like that who don't need for me to make them uncomfortable because they're not doing anything to cause cognitive dissonance, they tend to like me and that mutual interest leads to no real clear initiator.
So, for instance, I met my newest partner at a sci-fi convention where he was speaking about atheism. Being a rather outspoken atheist, this was something I knew I wouldn't have to challenge him about. I liked what he had to say and mentioned it in passing to someone else who also heard his lecture.
That person mentioned that the speaker had recently come out as poly on his blog, so I looked him up. In the blog, I found poly, atheism, feminism, and a general awareness of all the social justice issues that are important to me. There didn't seem to be much reason to need to make him uncomfortable very often, so I introduced myself and thanked him for being openly poly, on behalf of the community.
He recently told me that he had already noticed me at that point and heard some things about me that peaked his own interest and had been trying to think of a way to meet me without hitting on me (being considerate of how women are treated at conventions and all). So - mutual interest. Technically, I made the first move in introducing myself, but I did so in a platonic way and he would have come up with a way to do it if I hadn't. So, he took the next step and invited me to talk later (again, platonically) outside of the con setting. I had been trying to figure a way to steer our conversation in that direction myself, so if he hadn't asked me for drinks after the con, I would have.
continued...