"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -- Alice Walker
From what you describe, it sound like you do recognise that you have power (agency: power over yourself) in your relationships -- which makes it much harder for abusive dynamics to take effect. One of the toxic things about abusive dynamics is that it eats away at the belief that you have any power. Which is more immediately harmful if you already aren't sure that you have much power in the situation.
I think you make an interesting point about society fetishising control (at all sorts of levels). It definitely comes out in a variety of ways, including within relationships. Possibly that's part of the "hero of their own story" aspect of abusers genuinely believing they are Good People. (And I think relatively few people are psychopathic sadists about it -- it seems most do actually believe they are Doing The Right Thing (tm). It's just they have a -- problematically -- different view of reality.)
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Recognising abuse
Date: 2/22/15 08:41 am (UTC)From:From what you describe, it sound like you do recognise that you have power (agency: power over yourself) in your relationships -- which makes it much harder for abusive dynamics to take effect. One of the toxic things about abusive dynamics is that it eats away at the belief that you have any power. Which is more immediately harmful if you already aren't sure that you have much power in the situation.
I think you make an interesting point about society fetishising control (at all sorts of levels). It definitely comes out in a variety of ways, including within relationships. Possibly that's part of the "hero of their own story" aspect of abusers genuinely believing they are Good People. (And I think relatively few people are psychopathic sadists about it -- it seems most do actually believe they are Doing The Right Thing (tm). It's just they have a -- problematically -- different view of reality.)
Ewen