I think "who wouldn't want free stuff" (gifts, etc) is one of the less frequently examined default premises: people seem to believe it so intrinsicly that they're actually offended when someone refuses to accept something for free without providing a Really Good Reason Why Not (tm).
I run into this outside Christmas Gifts, in a couple of areas: 1. over food: I have food allergies, and am generally careful about what I'm willing to eat and when, but get tired of discussing it in detail with people, and particularly tired of arguing whether I "could" eat something or not (maybe I could, but I've already decided I don't want to, kthx). So often I'll just say "no thank you" and expect that to be sufficient. But some people take it as a either a personal affront ("why are you rejecting my efforts to help you") or a personal failing ("but I tried so hard to get something you could eat"). I'll do the emotional "hand holding" of people I care about, but I've got stricter about refusing to comfort people outside my monkeysphere.
2. conference/workshop giveaways: I have more than enough useless clutter in my life, and don't want more (which is sort of understood), and the conference t-shirts always come in sizes which don't fit me and I never wear t-shirts plastered with logos/sponsors anyway -- so it's just more clutter. But people are very "you have to have a t-shirt", etc, about it. (Often even the signup forms are "you can't sign up to the conference without selecting what T-shirt you want, none is not an option!".) It's an interesting social experiment, and very good practice in maintaining boundaries :-)
I suspect that Christmas Gift Giving trips across some of those same fundamental assumptions: everyone wants something for free, so receiving something would always be welcomed. Most people probably have not even encountered the idea that it could be otherwise.
Fortunately for me, my family has been very much gifts-for-immediate-family-only for a long time, and there's basically only one other pair of people I buy Christmas gifts for (and that's because I know they like to receive them, I know they don't get many other gifts because reasons, and they've been very good to me over the years).
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Gift giving
Date: 12/15/13 11:38 pm (UTC)From:I run into this outside Christmas Gifts, in a couple of areas:
1. over food: I have food allergies, and am generally careful about what I'm willing to eat and when, but get tired of discussing it in detail with people, and particularly tired of arguing whether I "could" eat something or not (maybe I could, but I've already decided I don't want to, kthx). So often I'll just say "no thank you" and expect that to be sufficient. But some people take it as a either a personal affront ("why are you rejecting my efforts to help you") or a personal failing ("but I tried so hard to get something you could eat"). I'll do the emotional "hand holding" of people I care about, but I've got stricter about refusing to comfort people outside my monkeysphere.
2. conference/workshop giveaways: I have more than enough useless clutter in my life, and don't want more (which is sort of understood), and the conference t-shirts always come in sizes which don't fit me and I never wear t-shirts plastered with logos/sponsors anyway -- so it's just more clutter. But people are very "you have to have a t-shirt", etc, about it. (Often even the signup forms are "you can't sign up to the conference without selecting what T-shirt you want, none is not an option!".) It's an interesting social experiment, and very good practice in maintaining boundaries :-)
I suspect that Christmas Gift Giving trips across some of those same fundamental assumptions: everyone wants something for free, so receiving something would always be welcomed. Most people probably have not even encountered the idea that it could be otherwise.
Fortunately for me, my family has been very much gifts-for-immediate-family-only for a long time, and there's basically only one other pair of people I buy Christmas gifts for (and that's because I know they like to receive them, I know they don't get many other gifts because reasons, and they've been very good to me over the years).
Ewen