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I blurted out to a friend that my most successful relationships were with people who found me just a little tiny bit intimidating, but who like that they're intimidated by me. I said that hanging up some of my best targets (from shooting guns) over my bed is a pretty good litmus test for whether or not a guy is A) intimidated and B) likes it. And so I've been thinking about what that means.
I want to be seen as fierce, strong, intelligent, complex, nuanced, capable, passionate, rational, and often right. These are things about myself that I value the most, and so I want people to see them in me. But I want for my partners to not just see these traits in me, I want them to admire, celebrate, and cherish these traits in me.
These sorts of traits are often described as "intimidating", especially when first meeting someone. But when I say "intimidating", I don't mean "forboding" or "forbidding". I mean they feel a sense of admiration that can maybe make me seem a tiny bit larger-than-life. People often feel that way about celebrites or particularly accomplished people. But as they get to know them on a more intimate level, those celebrities become people - they become fully-realized, three-dimensional human beings with depth and nuance and texture. Maybe the "intimidation" goes away once we get to know them, but if the reason for the initial intimidation is admiration for certain traits and not fear of them being scary (the other interpretation of "intimidation"), then I want that admiration to stick around after the larger-than-life shrinks down to complex-human-size.
I'm tired of men who claim to find me "intimidating" and, because of that, think that they are not good enough for me or that they can't measure up to my standards. But I'm also sick of men who claim to desire strong, independent female partners only to get irritated at me when I do exactly those sorts of things that strong, independent women do, like argue my position or refuse to ask for help when I don't actually need it or sometimes take on too much because I think I can do it.
I am also sick of men who think it's "cute" that I'm all "tough chick". Fuck you asshole! And I'm sick of men who just want to protect me. And I'm sick of men who tell me that they love me but don't really seem to like me very much because they ask me to stop doing things that are central to the very core of who I am as a person or, worse yet, who never ask me to change but who dump me for exactly the same reasons they said interested them in me in the first place.
No, I will not give up costuming even though I make a mess of the house when I do it and you hate that. No, I will not wear dresses more often, they're impractical. No, I will not stop asking you to explain why things in movies don't make sense. No, I will not stop ranting about sexism, theism, or monogamy. No, I will not give up my cat. No, I will not give up dancing just because you get jealous when I dance with other men. No I will not refuse to work on the car to save you the embarassment from having a girlfriend fix it when you couldn't. No, I will not stop swearing. Even when there are kids around. And no, I will not calm the fuck down.
I basically want for my partners to recognize those things about me that I value the most, and I want them to acknowledge how amazing and fantastic it is for a person to have these sorts of traits. I want them to agree with me that those parts of me that make me awesome are, indeed, the parts of me that make me awesome. I don't want my core values and personality-defining traits to be "tolerated", I want them to be revered. Doesn't everyone? And shouldn't everyone be able to find that?
**EDIT**
I would like to point out that the traits that I want to be admired for, not tolerated, are not traits that I think everyone should value about themselves the same way I do. If you prefer to think of yourself as someone who is flexible, caring, bubbly, creative, spontaneous, anything else that I didn't say ... as long as you admire those traits about yourself then those traits about you should never just be "tolerated", they should be revered. Maybe "intimidated" is not the right word to describe how people feel about you, but the underlying philosophy is still appropriate - people should find those traits about you admirable and like you because of them, not in spite of them, maybe have just a little bit of "I wish I was better in those areas than I am" and to find exposure to you makes them a better person.
I want to be seen as fierce, strong, intelligent, complex, nuanced, capable, passionate, rational, and often right. These are things about myself that I value the most, and so I want people to see them in me. But I want for my partners to not just see these traits in me, I want them to admire, celebrate, and cherish these traits in me.
These sorts of traits are often described as "intimidating", especially when first meeting someone. But when I say "intimidating", I don't mean "forboding" or "forbidding". I mean they feel a sense of admiration that can maybe make me seem a tiny bit larger-than-life. People often feel that way about celebrites or particularly accomplished people. But as they get to know them on a more intimate level, those celebrities become people - they become fully-realized, three-dimensional human beings with depth and nuance and texture. Maybe the "intimidation" goes away once we get to know them, but if the reason for the initial intimidation is admiration for certain traits and not fear of them being scary (the other interpretation of "intimidation"), then I want that admiration to stick around after the larger-than-life shrinks down to complex-human-size.
I'm tired of men who claim to find me "intimidating" and, because of that, think that they are not good enough for me or that they can't measure up to my standards. But I'm also sick of men who claim to desire strong, independent female partners only to get irritated at me when I do exactly those sorts of things that strong, independent women do, like argue my position or refuse to ask for help when I don't actually need it or sometimes take on too much because I think I can do it.
I am also sick of men who think it's "cute" that I'm all "tough chick". Fuck you asshole! And I'm sick of men who just want to protect me. And I'm sick of men who tell me that they love me but don't really seem to like me very much because they ask me to stop doing things that are central to the very core of who I am as a person or, worse yet, who never ask me to change but who dump me for exactly the same reasons they said interested them in me in the first place.
No, I will not give up costuming even though I make a mess of the house when I do it and you hate that. No, I will not wear dresses more often, they're impractical. No, I will not stop asking you to explain why things in movies don't make sense. No, I will not stop ranting about sexism, theism, or monogamy. No, I will not give up my cat. No, I will not give up dancing just because you get jealous when I dance with other men. No I will not refuse to work on the car to save you the embarassment from having a girlfriend fix it when you couldn't. No, I will not stop swearing. Even when there are kids around. And no, I will not calm the fuck down.
I basically want for my partners to recognize those things about me that I value the most, and I want them to acknowledge how amazing and fantastic it is for a person to have these sorts of traits. I want them to agree with me that those parts of me that make me awesome are, indeed, the parts of me that make me awesome. I don't want my core values and personality-defining traits to be "tolerated", I want them to be revered. Doesn't everyone? And shouldn't everyone be able to find that?
**EDIT**
I would like to point out that the traits that I want to be admired for, not tolerated, are not traits that I think everyone should value about themselves the same way I do. If you prefer to think of yourself as someone who is flexible, caring, bubbly, creative, spontaneous, anything else that I didn't say ... as long as you admire those traits about yourself then those traits about you should never just be "tolerated", they should be revered. Maybe "intimidated" is not the right word to describe how people feel about you, but the underlying philosophy is still appropriate - people should find those traits about you admirable and like you because of them, not in spite of them, maybe have just a little bit of "I wish I was better in those areas than I am" and to find exposure to you makes them a better person.
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on being an "intimidating" woman
Date: 9/8/12 07:25 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 9/8/12 07:28 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 9/8/12 12:41 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 9/8/12 12:43 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 9/8/12 04:04 pm (UTC)From:If I see someone who is competent at something I value, that is attractive. Shiny is one of my favorite terms for that. I see shiny, I want to be near shiny, perhaps to learn from, or simply to bask in the shiny... I feel intimidated sometimes if I compare their shiny to what I see inside of me, and think, "Why are they going to give me the time of day? What do I have to offer them?"
no subject
Date: 9/8/12 04:38 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 9/8/12 05:32 pm (UTC)From:This.
Seems to me, we function best socially when we rub elbows with people who are just that much better or worse than we are, or who are absolutely kickass at something different from our own strengths. Beyond a certain point, the inequality can be so great that it interferes with the ability to even communicate, much less be friends or lovers. The queen of the realm is never going to be buddies with the peasantry...although if the President brews as a hobby, he and the master brewer of the artisan's guild might have some good times together. Seems to me, it's the same way with personal development. We tend to get really frustrated with people who have not put as much effort as we have into just "shining" as people, and to be intimidated by people who have put much more effort into it.
These days, what feelings of intimidation I feel in the presence of kickass people are usually accompanied by stronger feelings of respect and admiration, a desire to try to learn something from their example, sometimes a sexual turn-on, almost always an urge to do something to keep up, to be worthy of their company. I call those feelings "being grown up".
no subject
Date: 9/8/12 05:39 pm (UTC)From:So do I. And I like to have people around me who have those traits.
Found this post due to
no subject
Date: 9/8/12 07:46 pm (UTC)From:I'm OK if someone compares themselves to me and worries that they might fall short as long as they then screw up the courage and get to know me anyway, hoping that maybe I can influence them to become a better version of themselves.
I also don't need to be THE "badass" in the relationship. I don't need to trump them at everything. I want my partners to excel too. My parter
It's not an issue of "ranking", it's a philosophy that we should all try to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be, that proximity to people with those skills we want to improve on makes us better people, and that doing something better than me doesn't make me less than them - it makes them someone worth admiring.
And that's the trait I'm looking for when I casually and unthinkingly blurted out that I wanted someone who was a little bit intimidated by me but who liked it.
no subject
Date: 9/8/12 07:47 pm (UTC)From:I'm OK if someone compares themselves to me and worries that they might fall short as long as they then screw up the courage and get to know me anyway, hoping that maybe I can influence them to become a better version of themselves.
I also don't need to be THE "badass" in the relationship. I don't need to trump them at everything. I want my partners to excel too. My parter tacit, for example ... I started dating him for the purpose of utilizing some of his advanced skills to better improve myself.
It's not an issue of "ranking", it's a philosophy that we should all try to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be, that proximity to people with those skills we want to improve on makes us better people, and that doing something better than me doesn't make me less than them - it makes them someone worth admiring.
And that's the trait I'm looking for when I casually and unthinkingly blurted out that I wanted someone who was a little bit intimidated by me but who liked it.
Thinky-Thoughts: The Necessity of Trigger Warnings (and how Good Intentions aren't enough)
Date: 9/21/12 01:57 am (UTC)From: