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Based on the flood of First Contact emails I get on OKCupid and other dating sites, and based on the numerous responses from other women to my public responses of these First Contact emails, I'm going to assume that there are hoards of men out there who have absolutely no idea how to approach a woman on an online dating site. So I've developed this handy little guide to help you all out.
First of all, let me preface this with a disclaimer that should be obvious, but, according to my inbox, is not: WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME PERSON. How we each prefer to be treated, what we want, and what we like is all very individual, and you ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT make an assumption that, because we all have similar plumbing, you can treat us the same way.
With that said, however, there is a "safer" approach - a way to contact a woman that has the fewest pitfalls, least number of opportunities to stick your foot in your mouth, and is least offensive to the most number of women. After you have gotten to know her on an individual level, you can tailor your approach to her individual likes and dislikes. For instance, if she likes to be complimented, you can do so AFTER you have discovered that she does, in fact, like to be complimented. But not before.
So, with that, the Safe Guideline* To First Contact Emails:
Dear [username],
I came across your profile, and, after reading it, I noticed that we have ____ in common. How long have you been interested in ____? What got you interested in ___? I got into ____ by _____.
I also see that you are opposed to ____. Can you tell me why? I have never heard of that before.
It looks like you enjoy ____. That's great! If you like ____, then you might enjoy ____, have you heard of it/them/him/her?
You indicate on your profile that you would like to learn more about ____. I happen to know a bit about ____. It's _____. Can I answer any questions about it for you?
You seem like a ____, ____, _____ person and I would like talk more with you, if you are interested. I hope to hear from you when you get a chance.
Sincerely,
[name or user name]
Whatever you do, do not do the following:
1) Do not skip reading her profile.
2) Do not compliment her on her looks. At all.
3) Do not skip reading her profile.
4) Do not insult her.
5) Do not attempt "backhanded compliments" like in those pickup artist handbooks.
6) Do not give her advice about how to make her profile better.
7) Do not skip reading her profile.
8) Do not offer any sexual activity.
9) Do not send her pictures of your cock.
10) Do not presume to know how she feels if she hasn't outright said how she feels.
11) Do not skip reading her profile.
12) Do not waste your time contacting her if you do not like what she has to say in her profile. If you don't like her, move on.
13) Do not send her the same letter you've sent anyone else.
14) Do not send her a letter that says "I like movies", "I like music", or "I like hanging out". Tell her WHICH movies, music, or what you do when you hang out.
15) Do not skip reading her profile.
16) Do not write a letter that has only 1 or 2 sentences in it.
17) Do not use "netspeak" like "ur" - this is email, not SMS.
18) Do not request a phone call or in-person meetup until you have RECEIVED at least 3 positive responses from her.
19) Do not skip reading her profile.
20) Do not get pissy if she doesn't respond back, or if she responds with a rejection. You are not entitled to her acceptance. Just be glad you dodged that bullet and move on.
*This letter is a guideline, not a form. Do not copy it word for word. That's too close to violating #13. READ her profile and adapt the suggestions to fit what she actually says in the profile. If she already explains why she is interested in ____ then you don't need to ask her why she is interested in _____.
Cross-posted at http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Joreth/journal/17740670489198668865/Safe-Guideline-To-First-Contact-Emails
First of all, let me preface this with a disclaimer that should be obvious, but, according to my inbox, is not: WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME PERSON. How we each prefer to be treated, what we want, and what we like is all very individual, and you ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT make an assumption that, because we all have similar plumbing, you can treat us the same way.
With that said, however, there is a "safer" approach - a way to contact a woman that has the fewest pitfalls, least number of opportunities to stick your foot in your mouth, and is least offensive to the most number of women. After you have gotten to know her on an individual level, you can tailor your approach to her individual likes and dislikes. For instance, if she likes to be complimented, you can do so AFTER you have discovered that she does, in fact, like to be complimented. But not before.
So, with that, the Safe Guideline* To First Contact Emails:
Dear [username],
I came across your profile, and, after reading it, I noticed that we have ____ in common. How long have you been interested in ____? What got you interested in ___? I got into ____ by _____.
I also see that you are opposed to ____. Can you tell me why? I have never heard of that before.
It looks like you enjoy ____. That's great! If you like ____, then you might enjoy ____, have you heard of it/them/him/her?
You indicate on your profile that you would like to learn more about ____. I happen to know a bit about ____. It's _____. Can I answer any questions about it for you?
You seem like a ____, ____, _____ person and I would like talk more with you, if you are interested. I hope to hear from you when you get a chance.
Sincerely,
[name or user name]
Whatever you do, do not do the following:
1) Do not skip reading her profile.
2) Do not compliment her on her looks. At all.
3) Do not skip reading her profile.
4) Do not insult her.
5) Do not attempt "backhanded compliments" like in those pickup artist handbooks.
6) Do not give her advice about how to make her profile better.
7) Do not skip reading her profile.
8) Do not offer any sexual activity.
9) Do not send her pictures of your cock.
10) Do not presume to know how she feels if she hasn't outright said how she feels.
11) Do not skip reading her profile.
12) Do not waste your time contacting her if you do not like what she has to say in her profile. If you don't like her, move on.
13) Do not send her the same letter you've sent anyone else.
14) Do not send her a letter that says "I like movies", "I like music", or "I like hanging out". Tell her WHICH movies, music, or what you do when you hang out.
15) Do not skip reading her profile.
16) Do not write a letter that has only 1 or 2 sentences in it.
17) Do not use "netspeak" like "ur" - this is email, not SMS.
18) Do not request a phone call or in-person meetup until you have RECEIVED at least 3 positive responses from her.
19) Do not skip reading her profile.
20) Do not get pissy if she doesn't respond back, or if she responds with a rejection. You are not entitled to her acceptance. Just be glad you dodged that bullet and move on.
*This letter is a guideline, not a form. Do not copy it word for word. That's too close to violating #13. READ her profile and adapt the suggestions to fit what she actually says in the profile. If she already explains why she is interested in ____ then you don't need to ask her why she is interested in _____.
Cross-posted at http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Joreth/journal/17740670489198668865/Safe-Guideline-To-First-Contact-Emails
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no subject
Date: 4/15/11 08:14 pm (UTC)From:Wait, hang on...
Date: 4/15/11 08:40 pm (UTC)From:(Love it! Especially that repetition)
no subject
Date: 4/15/11 09:35 pm (UTC)From:I used a 'we have some things in common, friend me if you'd like to chat' sort of approach on fetlife and it was like a crawled into a cannon. She fired back 'HOW DARE YOU ASK TO FRIEND ME I AM NOT A FRIEND COLLECTOR OMG WHAT DO WE HAVE IN COMMON OH NO THIS IS TERRIBLE DIDNT YOU READ MY PROFILE' I read it again and saw no mention of what she had talked about.
and I just replied 'okay have a good day'
no subject
Date: 4/16/11 01:11 am (UTC)From:You'd think this would be obvious advice. But I have an entire inbox that says otherwise.
no subject
Date: 4/16/11 01:12 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/16/11 01:17 am (UTC)From:On this same post in my OKC journal, someone responded with:
Bluegenes commented on Today – 4:40pm
Meh....seems like way too much work to just be ignored.
And people wonder why I'm so frequently pissed off at guys on dating sites!
Re: Wait, hang on...
Date: 4/16/11 01:25 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/16/11 02:31 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/16/11 02:51 am (UTC)From:Honestly, aren't these people paper-trained before being allowed out into the world? No? They really should be. Simple yes/no, please/thank you, sorry, no/maybe, lets find out. How hard is this to learn?
*sigh* I expect much of my fellow humans, don't I?
no subject
Date: 4/16/11 02:54 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/16/11 02:55 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/16/11 02:55 am (UTC)From:Of course it applies to anyone, this is basic human interaction as it happens online, particularly in a place designed for making contact with others. That guy who can't be bothered? Barfly, not worthy of consideration as anything really. He's not fully baked yet and perhaps never will be. Some people never get the point of making connections effort. One presumes these people die alone, still a little puzzled.
no subject
Date: 4/16/11 02:58 am (UTC)From:PerilousWorld: No, he's right. The vast majority of emails sent never get responded to. Taking the time to read the entire profile and compose a well-written email that attempts to begin a conversation is a tremendous waste of time in most cases. For a man, you're much better off browsing for keywords and focusing in on a few sections, and then read the whole profile once you get a response. It's a bit unrealistic and narcissistic for you to expect otherwise.
Joreth: I'll tell you a little secret from the World of Women ... the reason the vast majority of your emails never get responded to is because they are not worth responding to. When you write form letters, when you write short letters with nothing of interest about you in them and nothing that shows you give a shit about us, you do not stand out from the crowd and we have no reason to put in any more effort to responding to an email that clearly had no effort in the writing of it.
My inbox is ALSO filled with guys who write considerate, thoughtful, unique emails. And THOSE are the ones that get the response. So it is clearly NOT unrealistic.
As for narcissistic - if you're approaching me, then it's totally reasonable to expect that you want to talk to ME, not some female body that anyone will do. So if you're not getting responses, it's probably because you're not worth responding to.
no subject
Date: 4/16/11 03:01 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/16/11 03:32 am (UTC)From:Talk about an instant turn-off!
no subject
Date: 4/16/11 03:48 am (UTC)From:Uh, dude, I hate to be the one to break it to ya', but that IS entitlement. If you get snippy over not getting a response after you've taken all that time to craft the perfect message, your entitlement is leaking all over the email. I don't want to touch it, let alone give you the time of day for it!
Sending a complimentary email for the sake of letting someone else know that you think the're a cool person should be its own goal & reward. The response should just be icing on the cake (and hopefully the start of a mutual interest & attraction).
no subject
Date: 4/16/11 06:33 am (UTC)From:Yes, I saw that on a FetLife profile.
Of course there were no photos of HER on the profile...
no subject
Date: 4/16/11 06:37 am (UTC)From:I actually thought of putting in that caveat when I wrote this, but then decided not to. I was concerned that would make it too complicated for the people that most need this :-) Leave out the "if-thens" and stick with do-nots & if they can't figure out the exceptions, then they REALLY need to stick with the script!
My tweets
Date: 4/16/11 01:23 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 4/16/11 05:52 pm (UTC)From:I will also probably be linking people to this in the future, just because it's a nice consolidation of those things that everyone should know.
and re: the comment below, pretty much any email is too much work to just be ignored. If that's your attitude, better to save us all the trouble and just not send an e-mail at all.
no subject
Date: 4/16/11 06:03 pm (UTC)From:This!
no subject
Date: 4/18/11 10:25 pm (UTC)From: